Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by Kommander, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. Timby

    Timby LIKE LIGHTNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING Administrator

    Joined:
    May 28, 2001
    Between the ill-fitted shirt collar and the jacket that's clearly too big, plus the fact that, well, you're a young guy living in America in the Year of Our Lord 2013 wearing a fedora ... no, you don't.
     
  2. Robert Maxwell

    Robert Maxwell Comfortably Numb Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2001
    Location:
    where it hurts
    I'm inclined to agree with Timby. Looks like something I'd wear for Halloween, not as a normal getup for actually going in public.

    Sorry, dude.

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2013
  3. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2005
    Location:
    Detroit
    Facebook stalking is not a real thing. Even if it was, reading shit that comes up in my feed and occasionally looking at her page if something in my feed prompts me to pull it up wouldn't constitute it. Also, I haven't even logged into Facebook in like three or four days.

    I was fatter when I bought the suit, and the shirt. Also, you forgot to point out that I don't know how to tie a half-windsor knot properly. That's actually a pratt knot but I still can't tie it worth shit.

    Also, when I said I totally pull it off, I meant compared to people like this guy:

    [​IMG]

    I have worn that same outfit on Halloween, and I wore it to an ICP concert because I didn't want to be there but my friend Katie asked me to go with her and I have difficulty saying no to strippers, and I wore it to the last day at the collection company I worked at because it was Downsizing Day and I knew I was getting fired. The day the picture was taken I was going to a wedding.
     
  4. Melakon

    Melakon Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2012
    Location:
    Melakon's grave
    Well, if you insist on a fedora, you might as well also get a trenchcoat and old-fashioned Zippo flip-up lighter so you can emulate this guy. It's a lot of fun posing under a streetlamp to light a cigarette.
    [​IMG]
     
  5. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2005
    Location:
    Detroit
    ^ I have a trench coat. It's a black leather one because of course it is, but is still a trench coat. I have a Zippo too but I haven't really used it since I bought a Colibri, because Colibris are the best lighters ever.
     
  6. teacake

    teacake Fleet Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Location:
    inside teacake
    You say this is not "assumption" but "inductive reasoning" and elsewhere you say other things are not assumptions but speculation.

    Speculation this may be, but it is negative hyperbolic speculation. It is over analysis. I'm going to assume you see your over analysis tendencies as a personality trait based on other posts you've made but honestly it is not doing you any favors. It is not some kind of neutral thing because it has affected your emotions, gotten you all worked up AND has allowed you to feel free to label some guy you do not know a "douche" all because you have inductively reasoned him to be via a convoluted story you have constructed from some photos. I bet if you were secretly in love with the guy you could have constructed a story from those photos that was completely different.

    I know you are most likely to answer defensively and tell me why this is all wrong as you told most people why they were all wrong in your replies. But I hope you will think about how over analysis works. Though it can be a fun game to play once you are actually worked up about it and judging others based on it you are losing your grip on your brain wheels spinning too fast. It's clear you have very little information about the woman, her past relationship or the ex boyfriend and your mind is trying to fill in all the blanks. You may well think this is fine because you intend to replace your "inductive reasoning" facts with any new facts that come along and disprove them. And as I said, if this was all a 'what if' game it wouldn't matter but the fact is it's made you angry and worked up and caused you to dislike someone and label them a douche and maybe abuser.

    It can be very peaceful and freeing to say "I don't know anything. I will just ask." You are worried about how that comes across, well if any woman had a glimpse of this whole thought process you reveal here believe me that would come across a whole lot worse. If someone else is freaked out by you simply saying, "hey I like you, what's the deal with the ex? and can we go out sometime?" then obviously it's not going to work out anyway.

    As to anxiety asking women out, I would say to anyone always understand that there is no way to tweak the setting and situation for asking someone out so that it is within your comfort zone. Accept that it is going to take you outside of your comfort zone and it's going to cause some stress and possible hurt and then just walk forward and do it.
     
  7. sttngfan1701d

    sttngfan1701d Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2003
    I will say one more thing on the matter. In college, any woman that's halfway attractive or social is going to be surrounded by men as part of her everyday social/interactive group, be it in class, after class, going out, whatever. You may assume that 50% of these guys have romantic designs on her in one way or another. That's generally the way it works.

    You can't assume they're all douchebags bent on taking her away from you. You can't assume they post photos on Facebook to mark their territory. If you assume that, it makes YOU look like a douchebag. They aren't your problem, man. They're just in her sphere of influence. Cut them out of your picture. Focus on her. Accept that they're there, but just do your thing. Even if one is her ex, if he's still in her life, as YOU said yourself, that's her problem.

    Anger isn't attractive to women. Lashing out at guys you don't know just makes you look possessive and crazy, which will send most of them running for the hills.
     
  8. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2005
    Location:
    Detroit
    Splitting hairs is a hobby of mine.

    No one disputes this.

    I see it as an extremely annoying personal trait that I wish didn't exist within me, but it is just how my brain works, is unavoidable, and I just try to live with it.

    I could probably construct the same story not being secretly in love with him, I just don't want to. I don't think he's a complete douche with zero redeeming qualities, but I do think he is a douche. When I receive new evidence, like, if I actually talk to him or meet him, I may change my assessment. It's possible that, despite being a douche, I might actually like the guy. I find a lot of douchey people to be also likable.

    Even if he is a douche and becomes a problem, I've dealt with violent, controlling, abusive, stopped taking his Seroquel, seriously considering killing me, once put a gun to my head douchy asshole exes before. And this guy is my friend now. (He's on medication and has been for yeas and have made a lot of improvements and progress.) I can probably handle anything this guy can throw at me.

    Aside from some hair splitting, I've pretty much agreed with you.

    Mostly true, based on the evidence I've provided you with in this thread. In reality, I was only angry about this situation for maybe a minute and a half. My over-analyzation tends to override anger. Really, the core of the issue is that I doubt my own judgment. I've demonstrated bad judgment as to who I become romantically involved with in the past, I realize it, try to correct my mistakes, get involved with someone else, and then discover that I fucked up again. Once again, I'm thinking that I finally got it right. Then, at the slightest hint that there may be a minor problem, I over-react. I start thinking of all the other times when I realized I fucked up and would have backed away from the situation if I was smart, but I don't back away because I've become attached. In reality, my judgement is pretty good. The problem is, I don't trust my own judgment, but I do trust my ability to over-analyze. What I should start doing is trust my judgment and doubt my over-analyzation.

    Thank you, that was helpful. Probably not in the way you meant it to be, but it is what it is.

    I can do that and over-analyze at the same time.

    True. However, if it weren't for my excessive analysis tendency, my tendency to be a cocky bastard probably would have been a problem and I would have been all like "what's up with the douchey ex who is a douche?" to her. That would be worse still. Better I vent to Internet strangers than at her. As I said before, my original post was full of exaggerations and me trying to be entertaining. And, well, you've seen other threads about women I'm interested in and how people respond. It's possible I'm subconsciously trolling at this point.

    This has happened to me before. But, well, I guess it's to be expected when one is attracted to batshit insanity. Although, really the worst reaction I've gotten in the past few years is non-committal responses and a constant canceling and rescheduling of dates. It's really just frustrating more than anything else and I end up thinking "Dammit, just tell me you're not fucking interested already!" It's really nothing to be afraid of.

    The anxiety thing is really only with this girl. I generally hesitate, but I don't feel particularly anxious about it. Stress and being outside my comfort zone are things I'm used to.

    This doesn't bother me. In fact, it's a good thing sometimes, especially with polyamory. At first, I get into friendly competition/collaboration thing with the girl's boyfriend or other guys she's dating and it pushes everyone to be better. I have fun with it. Then the other guys get all pissy and starts accusing me of trying to make them look bad, and then i find out they do nothing but talk shit about me behind my back, and I'm like "what the fuck just happened?" Some poly people act like polyamory is some enlightened way of doing things, but the reality is that we suck at relationshipping just as much as everyone else.

    I generally don't, and I'm mostly calling this guy a douche because I like calling people names. Also, no one said I'm not a douchebag. It's possible that I am. I mean, there is a can of Axe Body Spray sitting on the shelf next to me. That's enough evidence for a conviction by my standards. I'm probably not the best person to judge this kind of thing. We should do a poll. Some will say "yes," some will say "no," and an overwhelming majority will say "TEH BABA."

    True, but some people are really persistent and difficult to ignore.

    This is not universally true. A great many women are attracted to this kind of alpha male bullshit. Generally those women aren't my type, so it's probably best that I not do those things.
     
  9. Collingwood Nick

    Collingwood Nick Vice Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2002
    I'm not sure that getting angry and lashing out at other guys is characteristic of an alpha male.
     
  10. sttngfan1701d

    sttngfan1701d Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2003
    Women are attracted to confident men, not always the alpha male. The alpha male characteristics they DO like include: going after what he wants, taking charge, and showing her that he can handle her as well as himself and she's not going to be his mother. I don't know any woman that finds possessiveness to the point of anger and lashing out attractive.
     
  11. mickmike

    mickmike Commander Red Shirt

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2009
    Location:
    far beyond the stars
    Okay so i've read through this thread about three times and done enough face palming to win the captain picard facepalm medal of valour.

    Seriously Kommander, you are making all of these ridiculous assumptions about a guy you don't even know and contemplating even more ridiculous scenarios like him potentially getting violent over a girl from what i can gather you haven't even asked on a date yet.

    Just grow a pair of balls, be a mature adult and ask her out.

    By the way i got lost some where between all the nonsense about odin stealing stuff out of your fridge and the photo of you with fedora and the massive walls of text you were posting. so if you have asked her out i apologise.

    Regardless, you come across to me as a possessive, insecure and over-analytical. All these attributes are going to push this girl away. Also all that noise about being attracted to women who are severely damaged emotionally makes you sound predatory and creepy. Again not attractive.


    Also that fedora of yours needs be burnt, stamped on and put in a steel box. You need to then get on the first boat heading over either the mariana trench or laurentian abyss (i forget which is deeper) and drop that fucker so it can be crushed to smithereens by the pressure. You do not pull it off dude, no body does.
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2013
  12. Mr Awe

    Mr Awe Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2002
    I see that Kommander projects a lot. Much of what he see's in other is actually coming from within himself.

    Mr Awe
     
  13. Kestra

    Kestra Vice Admiral Premium Member

    Joined:
    Jul 6, 2005
    There's a lot of verbosity for someone that seems like an acquaintance. Advice on dealing with it would be to focus on developing a relationship with her if that's what you want, and then later worry about setting boundaries if that seems necessary.

    It also feels like you're downplaying the uniqueness of individuals. Sure, there are going to be recurring patterns and traits in your life, but each woman is different. To talk about them all as some generic broken mentally unstable prone to abusive relationships stereotype does no one any favors. I'd hate for a guy to define me the way you do here.
     
  14. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2005
    Location:
    Detroit
    Women are attracted to what they're attracted to, and women differ in what they're attracted to. Confidence is generally an attractive trait, but not everyone is attracted to confidence, and not everyone knows what confidence looks like even if they are, and not everyone actively pursues what they are attracted to. In every situation I've been in where a guy gets angry and possessive and starts lashing out at me, the woman usually responds by distancing themselves from me. I guess it's understandable. In these situations, between me and the other guy, one of us is going to be happy and the other pissed off. Keeping the other guy happy and pissing me off is the easier option because my anger isn't explosive.

    Several people have pointed out that I appear angry, possessive, and insecure in this thread. And they're right, I am. What they're wrong about is that the solution is to simply not be these things. That isn't possible. All people feel anger, possessiveness and insecurity. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves. The solution isn't to wish them away and pretend they don't exist, the solution is to redirect those negative feelings into constructive, or at the least, non-destructive actions. Negative emotions are not bad things, but how they prompt one to act can be. Venting on a message board probably isn't the best solution, but it's better than many alternatives. It helped me to organize my thoughts, and a few people had some good things to say. Overall, what I did was somewhat constructive.

    Awesome! I like winning medals.

    I guess that's an apt summary.

    I believe I've thoroughly demonstrated that I plan to make this as complicated as possible. Sorry, but your suggestion is not compatible with this outlook.

    You come across to me as dismissive and condescending. Is there a point to this or are we just name calling? The first two apply to everyone and the third is subjective. Most of the time when people berate me for over-analysis it's because they either want me to overlook something, because they think I'm being a pain in the ass about something they don't care about, or because I'm better at it than they are (see the "pain in the ass" thing I said). I'm not analyzing you so you probably don't want me to overlook something, and you're reading this thread of your own free will without prompting from me. So, are you threatened by my intelligence? There's really no reason to be. Intelligence is pretty meaningless, and I'm pretty stupid about most things, like this entire fucking thread.

    Maybe, maybe not.

    Not really. If I had said "I purposefully go after damaged women because they're easy" you may have a point. I said, pretty much the opposite of that.

    No more than anyone else in this thread.

    I'm like this about everything.

    My primary concern is whether or not I'm entering yet another toxic situation. The best way to determine this is by doing what you just said. However, if I later determine that the situation is toxic, it'll be more difficult to back out if I become attached to her. Right now, I'm not really attached to her, so it seems like this would be the best time to determine if it would be a toxic situation. I haven't really found any evidence of toxicity, but I'm concerned that, because that's the conclusion I'd like to reach, that maybe I'm purposefully overlooking something. I've done it before, and I have difficulty backing away from toxic situations once I become attached. This is why I'm always hesitant when I want to ask someone out. This is not going to change until I manage to find some non-toxic situations.

    Did I give the impression that I was defining all women this way? I'm sorry if I did. I'm attracted to this type. I don't want to be, but I am. Luckily, it's not the only type I'm attracted to, so it should be avoidable. No, I don't assume that all women I'm attracted to are emotionally unstable, let alone all women in general. But when I'm attracted to someone, it is a question I ask myself, and something I look for. If I don't notice anything, I worry that I'm purposefully overlooking it. It's more about doubting my own perception than doubting the mental stability of those I'm attracted to.
     
  15. Melakon

    Melakon Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2012
    Location:
    Melakon's grave
    Is fantasizing about other people's relationships also a hobby?
    Ask yourself what the common element is in these toxic situations.
     
  16. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2005
    Location:
    Detroit
    Apparently.

    I have asked myself that, and answered it: It's me.

    I've identified why: I'm attracted to toxic relationships.

    I even have at least some idea as to why I'm attracted to them: If I'm dating someone who has a bunch of bullshit to deal with, I'm hoping my flaws won't seem as bad by comparison and will go unnoticed, dating these people gets really emotionally intense and, after spending my childhood and teenage years suppressing my emotions, feeling something that intense feel great, and, on some level, I believe I'm fundamentally unlovable and the best I can do is be used by someone who loves me only because I'm the least shitty thing in their fucked up life.

    I then realized why this should change: Everyone has flaws, and a lot of people actually like mine, or at least find them tolerable, and because of this, I'm not fundamentally unlovable. So, two of those problems were based on false premises. The addiction to intense emotions, however, is a very real problem and something I should keep an eye on. Also, being in these situations really sucks and does not end well for anyone.

    I've somewhat figured out how to change it: Learn to identify these situations and avoid them. I've had some success with this. Unfortunately, one woman I've decided I should avoid works at my school and I have to sneak past her some times.

    And finally, I've figured out how to move on: Enter into relationships that are not toxic. This I have not managed yet. Hopefully i will.

    I'm sorry, was the "you're the common element" thing supposed to be some big reveal? One of the advantages of over-analyzing fucking everything is that I have become very self-aware.
     
  17. Deckerd

    Deckerd Fleet Arse Premium Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2005
    Location:
    the Frozen Wastes
    Kommander have you lost a lot of weight? If so, well done that man.
     
  18. Melakon

    Melakon Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2012
    Location:
    Melakon's grave
    No, I wouldn't have made such a sweeping statement. But if you want to congratulate yourself for your perceptiveness, that's fine. Usually though, once a person recognizes a problem within themselves, they do what they can to change that problem, instead of finding reasons why they can't change.

    eta: It sort of sounds like you intentionally seek out these emotionally messed up women (as you perceive them anyway) in order to make yourself feel superior to them.
     
  19. Mr Awe

    Mr Awe Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2002
    This is insightful and I applaud your self-honesty in this assessment. And, it really shows your way forward. The most important thing is to learn to be comfortable in your own skin and fix any flaws that are worthy of fixing. And, not all may not actualy be flaws. So, a bit of wisdom is required to determine which ones are flaws and then to address them.

    If you can do that, I think the problem of being attracted to toxic relationships will go away. But, you need to address the underlying problems. I mean, avoiding toxic relationships is good but, without addressing the true problems rather than the symptoms, you'll continually be drawn to them.

    And, congratulations on losing weight!

    Mr Awe
     
  20. Scout101

    Scout101 Admiral Admiral

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2003
    Location:
    Rhode Island, USA
    That's what I'm getting. Compared to these trainwrecks, (perceived or otherwise), he comes off nicely. And gets to play the hero. Except he imagines a lot of these faults, and seems to be trying to barrel into situations that aren't as he perceives them.

    Plus, you know, trying to be possessive towards women he doesn't have any particular stake in. If you want to act like a jealous boyfriend, you at least have to go through the motions of asking the girl out first. Creating these imaginary relationships in your head without really talking to them doesn't work. And you let it go on so long that you've been dating for 6 months in your head, and in her head, you're just the guy that's said hi in class once or twice. Shocker that you're not on the same page.

    Gotta look through this thread, and the last few: Do you really see anyone agreeing with you? You get argumentative, violent, and arrogant very quickly, and just turn on the people you're sharing with. You're convicnced you're right, but looking around, not seeing anyone agreeing with you. The Fedora is a nice example; you're NOT pulling it off. Especially in the photo you used as proof, where not only the hat doesn't really work, it's not working with the poorly fitting suit and odd facial hair. Maybe in a tiny geek subset that's a real thing (but so are capes and foam swords), but not if you're attempting more mainstream appeal. Like talking to women you don't know.

    Sure I'm up next to be ripped by you, but if you are half as insightful as you continually claim, you'll see the pattern here, and realize that maybe since everyone is saying the same thing roughly, that you've misread things...