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Fan Fiction Other forums talk about Trek. We make it.

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Old September 6 2008, 09:24 AM   #1
Mistral
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Location: Between the candle and the flame
Not Exactly Fan Fiction

I am posting this because I would very much like honest feedback from people who write. I tried posting it in MISC but it got buried under "Why does my cat keep scratching his own balls until they bleed?" and other interesting topics.
I wrote this one night after yelling at my kid(he was about 1 1/2 yrs) and thinking later that he couldn't help it-he was just a little boy. I want you guys to give me honest feedback-don't pull punches-is it a good poem? I personally think that it is one of the best things I've ever written - but I am prejudiced by the subject matter. I have tried to post it elsewhere to get reactions but the sites weren't that active. R'evd Kathy-if you feel the need to move it I understand.

UNDESERVED LOVE

I tell you, “Don’t spill your milk on the carpet!”

I say, “Damnit! Hold still! Stop kicking me!” as I change your diaper.

I hold you in exasperation, screaming, “What! What is it you want!”

Then you run to me when I come home, wrap your arms round my legs and say,

“Daddy! Daddy!” and the joy on your face leaves me gasping for breath.

I say, “No!” “Don’t do that!” Leave the dog alone!” and a thousand other things-

“Stop crying, god damnit!” “Would you please leave me be for a moment?!”

“Daddy’s tired, son, I’m sorry, we’ll play tomorrow.” The guilt is there when I say this.

You squirm your way onto the couch and casually place

Your tiny hand on my shoulder and pat me like you want to comfort me.

When I cry, you think you’ve done something wrong,

But you’ve actually been so right I can’t forgive myself.

Love you, m’boy!

“W’uv.”
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Old September 6 2008, 05:48 PM   #2
CeJay
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Re: Not Exactly Fan Fiction

A very nice poem about fatherhood. It is an especially interesting effort considering your reason for writing it.

I hope you keep this in a safe place. This might be something you would like to show your son when he gets older. Gotta pick your moment though, don't wanna come across as too much of a softy.

Good stuff.
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Old September 6 2008, 05:59 PM   #3
TheLoneRedshirt
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Re: Not Exactly Fan Fiction

Yeah, I can certainly relate (which means, to me at least, it's a good poem!). My kids are mostly grown, but I recall those times of frustration and fatigue, yet the sheer joy children can exhibit at that age. You're obviously writing from the heart.

Enjoy them while they're young! They grow up much too fast. I agree with CeJay - hang on to this! I'm not sure when (if?) you might ever give it to your son - might be one of those things you give him when he has a son of his own one day!
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Old September 6 2008, 07:55 PM   #4
trampledamage
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Re: Not Exactly Fan Fiction

I'm pretty certain I did see this when you posted it before (hope I remembered to reply!)

It is almost more of a prayer than a poem. The images are beautiful (and so true - my two kids are 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 and I go through the same thing all the time) and the rhythm of the lines fits with gentle memorial feeling of the poem. For me, it feels like something you'd say while your son is sleeping - (we don't have a hugs smilie - imagine one here please).
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Old September 7 2008, 02:17 AM   #5
Nerys Ghemor
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Re: Not Exactly Fan Fiction

I have to ask...why is everyone so averse to actually sharing this with his son?
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Old September 8 2008, 10:04 AM   #6
Mistral
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Re: Not Exactly Fan Fiction

I have a copy in his Baby Book that the wife and I have been compiling.

And TD-your answer made the wife cry a little-(and me, thanx).
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Old September 8 2008, 02:50 PM   #7
Starkers
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Re: Not Exactly Fan Fiction

Aw that was sweet!
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