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Voyager There's coffee in this forum!

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Old September 9 2008, 10:33 AM   #1
Fleet Captain
Location: Brisbane, Australia
What SHOULD the Efficiency Report have said?

In the episode 'Good Shepherd' Seven of Nine does an 'efficiency analysis' on the crew of Voyager, much to their annoyance. Much to our annoyance the analysis fails to cover things that are REALLY wrong with Voyager and instead focuses on irrelevant gripes like inefficient use of personnel and phaser rifles not being stacked according to size.

Let's come up with our own Efficiency Analysis of the crew of Voyager.

Engineering – Inefficient. Subject to frequent warp core breaches. After seven years surge suppressors still have not been fitted to consoles, leading to fatal explosions during battle.

Tactical – Hopeless. Requires aiming and firing to be manually entered via the console, causing fatal microsecond delays in a time when alien ships could easily be equipped with automated combat systems.

Security – Again hopeless. Alien infiltrators, deserting crewmembers, escaping prisoners, sabotage, mass mind control happen at weekly intervals. Recommend Tuvok be investigated to see if he is actually the terrorist infiltrator confronted by Captain Picard in 'Starship Mine'.

Medical – Recommend recruitment and training of assistant nurses and an Emergency Paramedic Team, instead of a reluctant pilot/medic who would be busy during a crisis anyway.

Astrometrics – Failure to utilize expertise. Although two luscious twin stellar cartographers have been on board for seven years, their only appearance has been as villains in Captain Proton holonovels.

Seven of Nine: Her skintight catsuit distracts male crewmembers from their tasks and is a waste of resources, requiring excessive amounts of talcum powder to squeeze into. Her high heels are unsuitable for crossing rough terrain on away missions.

Doctor: Memory allocation would double if ego subroutine was deleted.

Chakotay: Facial use is highly efficient, with two expressions used for all possible occasions.

Harry Kim: Shows failure to mature as an officer – recommend demotion to anonymous extra.

Tal Celes: Hopeless - recommend transfer to Security for use as a towed phaser target.

The Cylons were created by spam. They evolved. They annoyed. There are many, many, many, many, many copies. And they're all selling you a plan.
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Old September 9 2008, 01:35 PM   #2
Fleet Captain
jongredic's Avatar
Location: England
Re: What SHOULD the Efficiency Report have said?

LOL I'd say that pretty much covers it.

I'd call into question Janeway's efficiency though. In "Jetrel" she practically orders Neelix to stop whining and be friendly with the guy who vaporised his moon, and this is after he was very gracious about her letting that Vidiian keep his lungs. By season 5 she's swinging between depression (Night) and torture (Equinox), by season 7 she's plotted the decimation of an entire species, the Borg, on more than one occasion (Unimatrix Zero, Endgame), but has no problem waking up a species like the Vaadwaur despite Chakotay's protests ("No... stop... what are you doing?")

Such inconsistency is the reason so much goes wrong on Voyager. One week she wants to eject the core, the next she's planning to blow it up. She demotes Paris, she promotes Paris. Kim probably lost the will to live, Torres can't keep engineering together because she doesn't know if she's going to have to blow some of it out into space, Tom's being doctor and helmsman, and the worst thing is, no-one really knows how many crew are on board, given that the Maquis crew can fluctuate from 7 people to 40 between scenes.

If you're lost and lonely with little chance of getting home, you need a bit more stability. Sisko would've brought out the best in the crew, with weekly beatings.
Let's bluesify it by, like, twenty percent...
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Old September 9 2008, 04:31 PM   #3
Re: What SHOULD the Efficiency Report have said?

Odon wrote: View Post
Medical – Recommend recruitment and training of assistant nurses and an Emergency Paramedic Team, instead of a reluctant pilot/medic who would be busy during a crisis anyway.
THANK YOU! I've been saying for YEARS this exact same thing! WHY is the ship's sole nurse (after Kes left) the ship's best pilot, who, at a time when he'd be needed to assist with the wounded, would be busy keeping the ship from being destroyed?
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Old September 9 2008, 08:24 PM   #4
Johnhead99's Avatar
Location: Wisconsin
Re: What SHOULD the Efficiency Report have said?

The best part of this post was the Chakotay comment. I never liked him. He was only good in Spirit Walk 1 and 2 -- and those were novels for the re-launch.

Then again, people don't take my opinion seriously sometimes, because I am big Neelix fan and wish they would have developed him more.
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Old September 14 2008, 12:47 AM   #5
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Re: What SHOULD the Efficiency Report have said?

Janeway would make a good SVU/CI villain. Gordon's new nightmare?
Scientology made of fail and aids.
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