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Old July 10 2010, 09:02 PM   #1
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One Lousy Ship - VOY - R

The history: ten years ago (holy fuck) I made a fanfic about Voyager, which was very well received. A year or two later, I tried a sequel but it just didn't work. Come 2009 I just hit upon a sequel, and sort of finsihed it off now. I can't believe it's been a decade... it's only a fanfic after all!

Anyway, I want to post the sequel, but feel I should post the original first!!

Title: One Lousy Ship: a Voyager parody (1/1)
Author: AntonyF
Disclaimer: the story isn't in any way meant to related to the characters, actors, writers or show itself... yeah right.
Rating: R for adult language and situations
Distribution: just let me know if you want to use it
Summary: A parody of Voyager with no real value apart from to make fun of everything concerned. It is meant to be mad, don't expect a proper story... just chaos.
Dedications: just to all my friends... especially those who don't like Janeway.

The first thing Janeway became aware of was someone touching her shoulder, nudging her to awaken. The nudging stopped and was followed by a soft voice. "Kathryn. Kathryn," it coaxed gently. She felt a burning sensation on her face, as if it were stuck to something. She slowly lifted her head, her skin gradually peeling away from what it was suctioned to. She felt a peculiar sensation as feeling returned to her face.

"What?" she shouted back incoherently as she came to her senses.

Janeway sat upright in her captain's chair. She looked around the bridge, all crewmembers at their stations. She tried to focus, saw Chakotay's blurred image in front of her. Her head was thumping, she held her hand to her forehead. Her face felt strange, having been stuck to her display panel after she passed out... how long ago?

"How long?" she grumbled.

"5 hours" replied Chakotay softly. "Do you mind if I cancel red alert now?"

Janeway waited for a moment, coming to her senses. "Why are we at red alert again?" Janeway enquired, a questioning look on her face.

"You said the lights were to bright captain."

Janeway didn't respond, and just sat there with her head in her hand, trying to focus her thoughts.

"You know, you really need to get some sleep. You look awful," Chakotay informed her. "Not that that's a change at all," he then mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?" Janeway screamed, getting to her feet, but barely standing up. The crew tittered around her. Her hair was dishevelled, and half her face was red where it had been stuck to the display. She still had her bottle of blood wine tucked under her arm. Oblivious to their laughter, she carried on with her tirade, staring Chakotay in the eyes. "I" she stated, poking him in the chest, "am the captain. And don't you ever forget that." A few seconds later she dissolved into laughter, almost falling over in the process..

"How could I forget, captain" he said accentuating her title sarcastically.

"You Ma... Ma... Mack..." Janeway scratched her head. "Whatever... those tents. You need to be taught respect," she finished, holding her head high.

"Maquis captain, and we named ourselves after ancient freedom fighters, not tents."

"Boooooooring" she shouted loudly in his face.

"You need to go to bed captain, go off to bed now," Chakotay said, trying to persuade her.

"You can't order me around. I'm the--"

"Yes, I know, the captain. I'm not ordering you around, and I'm not telling you what to do." he said cutting her off, having heard it all before.

"You know, I haven't had a man for ages... ages I tell you" she said, waving her hand around in the air in the pathetically stupid fashion she was renowned for. "No love, no sex... I'm like a NUN" she said, staggering about.

The rest of the crew just watched on, observing Janeway and Chakotay's discussion with amusement.

"You spent three nights with that alien delegate just last week. And Ensign Murphy the day before that, and Ensign Kim two days before that."

"Fat lot of good he was."

"Hey" shouted Kim from his corner.

Janeway just stuck her finger up at him in response.

"I'm going to bed" mumbled Janeway. She started to walk off, and was approaching the tactical post when she fell flat on her face. The bottle of blood wine slipped from her grasp and sprayed its contents up Tuvok's station and across the bridge carpet. Tuvok just leaned over, looked at the chaos and raised an eyebrow. She tried to get up, finally get back on her feet. She twisted her clothes around in public display, trying to make them more comfortable, and headed towards the turbolift. The doors opened, she entered, and they closed behind her.

"Take me to my room" she ordered the computer.

It didn't understand her, and it didn't matter as she passed out on the turbolift floor.

"Thank god she's gone" said Kim.

"Indeed" said Tuvok. "Her auditory symptoms of her sleep were most distracting, even with my level of Vulcan self control. With severe mental discipline, it is second nature to be to effectively ignore annoying..." he stopped, frowned and started to mutter as he saw Neelix enter the bridge. "Get off the bridge fur face!" he shouted. "Or I'll stuff a leola root somewhere you won't be cooking with it."

Neelix ignored his comments and went and sat down in the first officer's chair... now vacant as Chakotay had taken the captain's chair.

"So what next commander?" Kim asked Chakotay.


"Err... yes!" replied Kim sarcastically. "You tattooed twat," he muttered.

"Oh" said Chakotay quietly.

Neelix stepped into save the floundering commander. "Don't worry about him Mr Kim, he's not used to speaking much," he informed the naive ensign. "I believe our next stop is to find something for the warp core."

"AGAIN?" shouted Paris from the front of the bridge, thumping his terminal in disgust. "She always needs something for the warp core."

"I heard that my little man" B'Elanna's voice said, piping over the communications system.

"B'Elanna?" asked Tom.

"Yes, I'm listening to you bad mouth me. And if you bad mouth me, tiny Tommy won't be seeing my bad mouth." Tom blushed profusely.

"And how's my Harry?" B'Elanna's voice continued.

He didn't get a chance to reply, as Chakotay had found his voice again. "What have I told you about listening in on bridge conversations, and your gossiping?" he asked her.

"I forget" came B'Elanna's petulantly.

"You told her enough times commander. Go down there and tell her again" Seven of Nine piped up from her station to the side of the bridge. Her latest attempt at becoming more human had gone down well. She sat there with a cigarette in her mouth, a mouth with black lips. She wore a low cut leather outfit, with a variety of tattoos and piercings. One earring stretched from her ear to her Borg eyepiece, which she had added some gems too. Seven's other attempts at 'integrating' with the crew were at a more basic level, as was evident by her pregnancy. The doctor was currently trying to match the baby's DNA with those records of the ship's crew, and by also cross-referencing with all the planets they'd been visiting. It was a long and arduous task.

"Shut up you Borg bitch!" B'Elanna shouted over the comm system.

"No, you shut up you half breed mongrel!" laughed Seven. She smiled, there was no reply and she thought she'd won. Suddenly her panel exploded throwing her from her seat and shredding her skin.

"You cow!" screamed Seven.

"Assimilate that!" laughed B'Elanna cutting off the channel.

"Respectfully request," Seven said, "that we surgically detach B'Elanna's auditory organs. That would stop her listening on in ship's communications... permanently." Seven grinned evilly at Chakotay.

"That is a ridiculous idea. She's our ship's engineer... she needs to hear to do her job. She's an essential part of this crew, everyone is on this ship," Chakotay stated. "Well, almost everyone" he said continuing to look at Seven.

Seven just stuck her finger up to Chakotay, another human trait she had picked up from her drunken mentor.

"Plotting a course to the nearest generic planet that takes us as far off course as possible," said Tom.

"Good," said Chakotay. "This should be a straight forward mission."

"Yeah right," said Seven.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Let's see," Seven replied sarcastically. "In the past month we've had two ships of Ferengi, a Romulan infiltrator, a stranded Cardassian vessel, Starfleet holograms, the appearance of the planet Earth as it was temporarily transported to the Delta Quadrant and 3 appearances by the being known as Q. If it gets any more ridiculous we'll be having ships of ancient Klingons heading our way."

"I must admit commander, that I have seen more aliens from the alpha quadrant than I have of the indigenous lifeforms of this region," Neelix chimed in.

"That's because we've assimilated everyone in this region. Or Janeway has scared them off. Oh, I could do with a good assimilation right now..." said Seven, starting to rub herself suggestively.

"Commander, I'm receiving an incoming signal... from the holodeck" Tuvok said surprised. "It is the Fairhaven holodeck program.

"Oh no," said Harry.

"What's wrong Har?" asked Paris. "Fed up with kissing cows?"

"I can't, your mom ain't here. And least I don't shag them."

"You bastard," said Tom going over to give Harry a beating, and not before grabbing a knife from underneath his terminal.

"Listen," shouted Chakotay to the bridge crew. "They are sentient now, we must treat them with respect and listen to their requests. Regardless of what everyone else may think, the spirit guides that control our destinies on this ship must be trusted, even if I do hate them all."

"Even if they're brainless cretins who are so stuck up their own asses that they listen to no one? Fuck that shit!" shouted Seven. She tapped buttons on her control panel.

"The holograms have been deleted" Tuvok informed them. "In excruciating pain I might add. All apart from one hologram... curious."

Chakotay was going to question Seven on why she did such an act, but he decided not to bother. She was busy using one of her detached assimilation tubials to sniff up a line of white powder which had been neatly laid out on her computer terminal. He turned to Tuvok who was maniacally staring at Neelix. He then turned to see how the fight between Tom and Harry was getting on. Actually there was no fight, they always tend to make up quickly he thought. Harry just sat in his chair, smiling. He couldn't see where Tom had gone or why Harry was so happy... perhaps he didn't want to know. He stared into space, doing nothing. Something he knew lots about.

Janeway stumbled towards the holodeck. She needed comfort from her man in the holodeck. There had been lots of discussion about Janeway having a relationship with a holodeck character. Holodeck characters are false, hollow and generally unstable. It was with this analysis by Seven that the crew came to realize it was a match made in heaven.

"Computer, run my program. And make some adjustments to the character of Michael Sullivan. I want bondage, whips, and the setting to be changed to a medieval torture chamber. Make him tougher, longer..."

"Unable to comply. You have been locked out of further modifications to Michael Sullivan character upon your own command" replied the computer.

Janeway sighed. "Who's the silly bitch..."

"Captain Kathryn Janeway" the computer responded obediently.

"It was a rhetorical question computer! Just let me in."

It was quiet as she entered the quaint Irish bar, with no one in sight. However only one character mattered to her, Michael Sullivan. As if by command, he appeared from behind the bar.

"Kathryn," he said warmly.

"Fuck me," she said.

"Okay," he replied, quickly coming over, grabbing her and throwing her over a table.

"Yes Michael, yes," she commanded as he started to undress her, ripping off her top.

For her part she grabbed his pants and pulled them down. Grabbing his underwear and tearing that down until she stopped. Blinked. Cried.

"Wha..." was all she could mumble.

Michael looked down and shock crossed his face. "Where's it gone?" he screamed, looking down at a blank area that should have contained very much more. He turned to Kathryn just lay on the table, sobbing uncontrollably. "Why, why.... why" was all she mumble continually over and over, another emotional scar forever to be burned into her mind.

The bridge crew sat laughing hysterically as they watched Janeway's encounter with Michael on the viewscreen.

"I've gotta give it to you Seven," said Tom Paris, now back at his station.

"Oh yes please," said Seven licking her lips.

Tom started to get up but was stopped by the first officer. "Not now," interrupted Chakotay. "We have to concentrate on our mission. Tom, how close are we to this planet?"

"We'll be there soon, don't sweat."

All of a sudden the ship rocked--hard. Sparks flew from all terminals, the bridge went dark as the red alert lights came online. "Report" shouted Chakotay as he ran around to Tuvok's tactical terminal.

"Errr... as you can see Commander, I just fragged someone in engineering," he said, pointing down to the characters in a computer game he was playing.

"It's called Force of the Elite. The characters are strangely familiar."

"Not now Tuvok! We've been attacked," he said, the ship rocking for good measure to back him up.

"I'm getting an incoming hail," said Harry Kim. Moments later the viewscreen changed to an alien's image.

"My god," said Kim. "He's so alien." It was true. His nose was ridged in a completely different way to other aliens, and there were bumps on his forehead. He even had a strange badge, accentuating his alienness.

"Why are you firing on us?" asked Chakotay.

"Because I must. I have no reason apart from that I want to attack you." The viewscreen went blank.

"These aliens get sneakier by the day commander," said Kim. "What are we going to do??"

"Harder. Harder. That's it, just there. More... that's it."

The Doctor looked down at Naomi Wildman who was on her knees in front of him.

Naomi stopped what she was doing for a moment. "I'm trying as hard as I can doctor."

Neelix's plan to put the annoying child to good use had been an excellent one. The Doctor had her cleaning his sickbay for days, making every bit of it clean to his standards. Her next stop after today was to clean the warp manifolds, so she had to get it finished today.

"Not hard enough. I want this finished you little bitch."

"Can you loosen the chain around my ankle now?"

"No," he said kicking her in the side. As she lay writhing he smiled proudly, and walked off to his terminal to continue the search for the father of Seven's baby.

"Suggestions," asked Chakotay.

"Get the Doctor to sing to them," said Tuvok.

"Send over Naomi," said Kim.

"Ask him to be nice," said Paris.

"Blow the fucker away," commanded Seven.

On board the alien ship a crewman was startled by what his sensors were reading.

"Captain... sensors indicate that they are arming weapons!"

"What!? They never do that," replied the stunned captain. "They won't fire."

As an insult to the captain, the ship shook under the impact of phaser fire.

"REPORT!" he shouted to his crew.

"One moment captain... sensor information coming in. I believe the phaser has destroyed a few small pieces of space debris in front of the ship, and it has grazed our shields. Shields are standing at 99.98785%. They threw everything they had us captain," the crewman said solemnly.

"Then.... I suppose we're lucky to be alive," said the captain, breaking up with laughter.

"I'll send our surrender," laughed the crewman.

"Fire back," ordered the captain, his mood turning from joviality to seriousness.

As the crewman acted on his orders, he waited a few moments to report on the success. "I am reading massive damage throughout the Voyager. Multiple consoles have exploded. Sparks have come out of a number of bridge terminals. Displays are flickering throughout the ship, and the lights are going off and on."

"Those bastards," shouted Seven. "We need to get revenge."

"Negative. There are sparks and flickering lights throughout the ship, we can't take any more of that."

The turbolift doors sprung open, and Janeway stumbled out albeit in a more coherent manner. However uniform code wasn't top on her mind as she was just in pants and a bra.

"Hail them," ordered Janeway.

"Is that wise captain?" questioned Chakotay. Janeway just glared at Chakotay in response.

"Okay, okay. Hail them ensign," the first officer commanded.

The alien came on screen. "You must be captain Janeway," said the alien politely.

"Yeah. What of it?"

"Your reputation precedes you. Maniacal stare, insanity and a voice like a malfunctioning plasma manifold. But no one ever commented on your wonderful dress sense."

Quiet laughs erupted around the Voyager bridge. Janeway ignored them, and continued.

"What will it take to let us pass?" she asked.

The alien pondered for a moment, evaluating his options. "That Borg you have, we want her."

"Like fuck you'll have me" said Seven storming out of her chair and in front of the captain. "You," she said pointing at the alien captain, "are having nothing. If this silly bitch," she said pointing to Janeway, "gives you anything then you won't live long to enjoy it."

"She's rather... fat. On second thoughts, we won't have her."

"FAT?" she screamed. "I'm pregnant."

"Whatever. We'll take some of that technology of yours."

"Absolutely not. The prime directive strictly prohibits it, and I will die before I give any part of this ship to you." Janeway said and pondered for a moment. "Okay, what do you want. Torpedoes? We don't have quantum torpedoes yet, but we get the plans for them soon. They were effective in the war in the Alpha Quadrant, or so we hear. We were busy in the Captain Proton program while the Federation nearly fell," she said shrugging. "But the normal torpedoes are still pretty good stuff."

The viewscreen went blank.

"What the..."

"I did that Captain," said Harry. Before he knew it Seven was over beating him around the head.

"Seven, let him finish and explain," said Janeway. "Then you can beat him," she added as an afterthought.

Kim gave Seven of Nine a scolding look, and turned to Janeway. "I had an idea. We need to reroute our subspace oscillator matrix through the inverse tachyon manifold of the duofold deutrierum layer. When this passes through the subspace continuum interfold layer, it'll go through the other ship's warp core and destroy them."

"But won't their shields protect them from that?" questioned Janeway.

"No captain... besides, that's boring," replied Kim.

"Do it," commanded Janeway.

Moments later the ship exploded on the viewscreen, space debris flying everywhere.

"Excellent Mr Kim. There's nothing as satisfying as saying the day with some science. I'm sure everyone agrees."

Seven of Nine sniffed. "Didn't you just drop the warp containment field to get the power do that Ensign?" she asked.

"Err... your point being?"

"This should be poignant," said Janeway.

"Oh shit" were the last words Seven uttered.
"I'll, uh, consume this in a room without detonating crockery, thank you very much."

Last edited by AntonyF; July 16 2012 at 10:45 PM.
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Old July 10 2010, 09:02 PM   #2
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Re: One Lousy Ship - VOY - R

Kira Nerys stood at the terminal in ops, studying the information of incoming ships.

"Colonel," Nog said, approaching her with a smile on his face.

"What is it ensign, you look cheerful?" ask Kira.

"The Federation has declared a national day of celebration."

"Why is that? To celebrate the end of the Dominion War?" asked Kira.

"Better. The USS Voyager has been destroyed."

Kira grabbed Nog and kissed him on his head. "Let's get partying big ears!!"

"I'm feeling something," said Deanna Troi, "but I'm not sure what."

"Thanks," said Riker, who stopped having sex with Deanna and rolled over to the other side of the bed. "Is that your way of being nasty to me? Talk about how to put a man down."

"No, not that," replied Deanna. All of a sudden red alert sounded.

"We better go see what's going on," said Riker.

Riker and Deanna walked onto the bridge of the Enterprise and into a scene of chaos.

Picard was dancing in the middle of the bridge, with a party hat and bottle of Romulan Ale in his hand. Beverly had stripped and was dancing against him erotically. Even Data was riotous, dancing on top of the ops terminal. He had his arms spinning in opposite directions and his eyes flashing red and yellow.

"What's going on," asked Riker.

"The Voyager, it isn't coming home."

"You mean our latest attempt at delaying them has worked?" asked Riker.

"I can't believe that," said Deanna. "The incorrect maps we've given them... emailing the Borg their location and shield codes... none of that worked. What was it?"

"A mistake by their operations officer," laughed Picard, who then went on to sing Livin' La Vida Loca.

"Pity Janeway never found out that Starfleet sent her into the Badlands to get rid of her in the first place," said Riker. "But who cares, let's party." And Riker and Deanna did just that.

some where

some when

"Hmmm," he said to his mate, "will you look at that."

"Partying, quadrant wide," she said. "Pitiful."

"Pitiful," he concurred.

They looked upon the madness.

"Oh, I know. Jean Luc will love this. The whole quadrant will love me for this in fact."


"Yes," He flicked his finger, and Voyager was intact and in the Alpha Quadrant... Janeway and all.

"You are evil Q," she said.

"I know. I am, aren't I?"
"I'll, uh, consume this in a room without detonating crockery, thank you very much."
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Old July 11 2010, 09:16 PM   #3
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Re: One Lousy Ship - VOY - R

Okay, I like it, but for me, the adult nature isn't required. I appreciate the warning rating, but Star Trek isn't actually like that, with the swearing.etc. Just some CC

Some good humor played out between Seven and Harry.
"You spent the whole budget on your hair? Why, Vince, it's just hair. Look at mine."
"The Klingons do your hair."
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Old July 12 2010, 08:42 PM   #4
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Re: One Lousy Ship - VOY - R

Anthony, we're going to turn you in to the board mods for that foul language!

re:Story-I got it, and loved it. Freakin' funny stuff!
...sf fandom is only a personality disorder if you do it right.-Klaus - archive stories! for honest gaming

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Old July 13 2010, 01:13 PM   #5
Re: One Lousy Ship - VOY - R

Cool! Read to me like an odd take on the mirror universe.
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Old July 14 2010, 09:05 PM   #6
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Re: One Lousy Ship - VOY - R

Maxillius wrote: View Post
Cool! Read to me like an odd take on the mirror universe.
Yeah, I think that was a semi-influence. It was meant to be our characters yet complete unrealistic.

di_mar wrote: View Post
Okay, I like it, but for me, the adult nature isn't required. I appreciate the warning rating, but Star Trek isn't actually like that, with the swearing.etc. Just some CC

Some good humor played out between Seven and Harry.
No, Star Trek isn't but this is a parody. It was meant to be outrageous, and a total opposite of Voyager. Voyager took itself so serious and the characters were often paper thin... so the parody was the opposite, they were meant to be outrageous, fun and flawed. I didn't find DS9 as paradoyable (spl) as they could already be a bit out there.

Also I wrote this ten years ago... it is what is now. The sequel is equally foul languaged...

Mistral wrote: View Post
Anthony, we're going to turn you in to the board mods for that foul language!

re:Story-I got it, and loved it. Freakin' funny stuff!
"I'll, uh, consume this in a room without detonating crockery, thank you very much."
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