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Old August 21 2014, 10:00 PM   #1
Spot's Meow
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The Pace of a Relationship

About how long have you or would you want to be in a relationship with someone before you start considering the major things like moving in together, getting engaged, married, etc.?

I could say I'm not asking for any particular reason, just wondering.

I have always thought that people who eloped after two weeks or moved in together right away were absolutely crazy. I mean, I was in a past relationship for seven years and although we talked about and planned our future together, we never got married or even engaged. We moved in together after about two years of dating.

I always had the attitude that, well, could you ever really be sure about someone so soon? Or ever? I probably would have said that you should wait at least a year before moving in together, and at least two years before getting engaged.

My attitude has changed on this recently, not unrelated to a certain someone entering my life. I feel 100% sure about him and have since the day I met him. Now things that seemed absolutely crazy to me before suddenly seem to make sense...however, to other people, those things still seem crazy.

I do think that age plays a factor in this as well, as those who are younger should probably wait longer before moving in together or getting married, but the older I get the more confident I have become in what I like, who I am, and what I want, so I feel that I could do with shorter waiting periods now. I assume that this trend would continue as I continue to age.

So what would you consider a reasonable period of time before jumping into these things? Have you ever done something crazy like run off and get married to someone you just met? Did it end in terrible disaster? Do tell me your experiences.
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Old August 21 2014, 10:13 PM   #2
Pingfah
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Moving in, 15 years, and must have my own lounge & bedroom.

Marriage, never.
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Old August 21 2014, 10:28 PM   #3
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Spot's Meow wrote: View Post
About how long have you or would you want to be in a relationship with someone before you start considering the major things like moving in together, getting engaged, married, etc.?

I could say I'm not asking for any particular reason, just wondering.

I have always thought that people who eloped after two weeks or moved in together right away were absolutely crazy. I mean, I was in a past relationship for seven years and although we talked about and planned our future together, we never got married or even engaged. We moved in together after about two years of dating.

I always had the attitude that, well, could you ever really be sure about someone so soon? Or ever? I probably would have said that you should wait at least a year before moving in together, and at least two years before getting engaged.

My attitude has changed on this recently, not unrelated to a certain someone entering my life. I feel 100% sure about him and have since the day I met him. Now things that seemed absolutely crazy to me before suddenly seem to make sense...however, to other people, those things still seem crazy.

I do think that age plays a factor in this as well, as those who are younger should probably wait longer before moving in together or getting married, but the older I get the more confident I have become in what I like, who I am, and what I want, so I feel that I could do with shorter waiting periods now. I assume that this trend would continue as I continue to age.

So what would you consider a reasonable period of time before jumping into these things? Have you ever done something crazy like run off and get married to someone you just met? Did it end in terrible disaster? Do tell me your experiences.
I don't think there's a set timeline for something like this. You make the best decisions that you can with the information that you have. I believe in verifying certain things, like the person is at a basic level who they say they are. I'd want to meet other people in their lives. But at the end of the day, you can be with someone for seven months or seven years and still not know everything about them. You and I have both learned this the hard way!

If you're going to do something like move in together or get married, you need to be aware of the possible consequences. A breakup when you're living together is messy, and divorce is awful. But if these are risks that you are willing to take and can afford the possible negative consequences, why not?

I also agree that in general these timelines are often shorter as you age. If both parties know who they are, what they want, and what they're willing to give, then there's no reason to draw things out.
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Old August 21 2014, 10:32 PM   #4
J. Allen
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

I'm a firm believer in letting things move however they need to move. If my partner likes me so much that he or she wants me to move in with him or her, and I feel comfortable with it, I don't see an issue. My parents knew each other two weeks before getting married, and they've been together 35 years.
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Old August 22 2014, 04:01 AM   #5
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

This happened to me.

I was with the same person for 8 years and we were engaged, but something always felt off. When I realized that no amount of time going by would change my mind, I broke it off. He also did some crazy things like curse out my sick mother and he had some mental issues. Even though 99% of the time we were fine, I couldn't deal with the 1% crazy side. And I really just could never marry him despite loving him and being with him for so long.

The guy I am with now I would have no trouble moving in with because it feels much more right. My previous boyfriend was a bit controlling. I feel much freer now with my new boyfriend and it makes me feel less pressured to move in / get married and more that I just...want to.

I don't know, but I can definitely relate.
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Old August 22 2014, 04:08 AM   #6
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

I agree J. Allen. As long as you discuss things openly and are honest with each other things can go smoothly. I also think it is important to see how your significant other acts around their friends and family, and if you like/get along with them.

When I met my husband was a friend of a friend. I liked most of his friends and I loved his family. We moved in together very quickly and within 8 months we packed up his car and moved to the other side of the country together. We have been together 19 years, married for 16.

Talk honestly to each other, meet the important people in each other's lives, and hope!
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Old August 22 2014, 04:23 AM   #7
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

I'm not a fan of setting artificial timetables for things. As J. Allen and Shanndee so astutely point out, it all depends on the circumstances and the level honest communication. If both are open and honest, the pace will move as quickly (or slowly) as it should. So as long as that is happening, I'd say ... enjoy the ride (and may that enjoyment last for a long, long time)!
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Old August 22 2014, 04:24 AM   #8
Nerys Myk
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

My wife and I dated for about a year. Got engaged and married a year later.

YMMV.
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Old August 22 2014, 04:45 AM   #9
Robert Maxwell
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Timelines for these things are 100% relative and individual. I've known of people who moved in after a few months and were happily married for decades, and then people who waited years to move in together. Everything happens in its own time.
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Old August 22 2014, 07:36 AM   #10
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Timelines for these things are 100% relative and individual.
Essentially this. I'd also suggest that for a specific individual, it may also differ from one relationship to the next (much like the OP describes).
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Old August 22 2014, 02:48 PM   #11
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

SPCTRE wrote: View Post
Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Timelines for these things are 100% relative and individual.
Essentially this. I'd also suggest that for a specific individual, it may also differ from one relationship to the next (much like the OP describes).
That's been the case for me, as well. Every situation is different.
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Old August 23 2014, 09:02 PM   #12
Naira
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

I am not sure. It depends on the couple. However, I have noticed that people seem to move in together sooner as they get older. Most of my friends who met their partner when we were 20-something are still together but haven't moved in together. On the contrary, many of my friends who met in their 30s are already married with children.
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Old August 24 2014, 03:34 AM   #13
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Pingfah wrote: View Post
Moving in, 15 years, and must have my own lounge & bedroom.

Marriage, never.
Bingo! He must also be incredibly wealthy and terminally ill... and have me in his will.
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Old August 24 2014, 04:03 AM   #14
TayLaLaLa
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

We met on a Monday
Fell in love on a Tuesday
Married on a Wednesday
Fought on a Thursday
Grew worse on a Friday
Broke up on a Saturday
Divorced on a Sunday
That was the end
Will find a new love someday.

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Old August 24 2014, 11:13 PM   #15
Pondwater
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Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Pingfah wrote: View Post
Moving in, 15 years, and must have my own lounge & bedroom.

Marriage, never.
Right on!

Every case is different.


I hope for the best for you Spot's Meow.
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