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Old November 30 2013, 04:20 AM   #1
Tribble puncher
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I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

We weren't best friends or anything, but we did hang out on occasion...I knew he had money problems, was struggling, had heard from someone else that he was about to be jailed because he had fallen behind on his child support payments, I never asked him, so I can't confirm it. I've never had one of my friends die so it feels kinda surreal. Obviously I feel bad for him and his family/close friends, but this is my first taste, I guess you could say, of an unexpected death. I had hung out with him a couple of weeks ago, just playing xbox and stuff...he didn't seem any different...man, this is so wierd.
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Old November 30 2013, 05:35 AM   #2
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

I'm sorry about your friend.
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Old November 30 2013, 09:07 AM   #3
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

I still think about the people I knew who committed suicide years later. Two I knew only briefly, another was the partner of a long term friend. It is a sadness different to other deaths and brings all kinds of feelings of responsibility even as your brain tells you that you don't have them.
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Old November 30 2013, 12:23 PM   #4
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

I'm very sorry for your loss.
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Old November 30 2013, 04:56 PM   #5
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

Things do get better, and teacake is on the money. Wishing you good days ahead.
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Old November 30 2013, 07:37 PM   #6
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

Tribble puncher wrote: View Post
We weren't best friends or anything, but we did hang out on occasion...I knew he had money problems, was struggling, had heard from someone else that he was about to be jailed because he had fallen behind on his child support payments, I never asked him, so I can't confirm it. I've never had one of my friends die so it feels kinda surreal. Obviously I feel bad for him and his family/close friends, but this is my first taste, I guess you could say, of an unexpected death. I had hung out with him a couple of weeks ago, just playing xbox and stuff...he didn't seem any different...man, this is so wierd.
That is terrible.

Just do yourself a favor and never try to understand his decision, or ask yourself what you could have done differently. I lost a friend as well. And at the moment of suicide, it makes only sense to that one person. And there is nothing you could have done differently. Most of the time, the warning signs are extremely subtle, if any. You can have a guy who complains all the time about his life but never ever thinks about suicide, and you can have a guy who is absolutely cheery and hanging out with you, and an hour later, jumps off a building.
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Old November 30 2013, 07:50 PM   #7
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

teacake wrote: View Post
I still think about the people I knew who committed suicide years later. Two I knew only briefly, another was the partner of a long term friend. It is a sadness different to other deaths and brings all kinds of feelings of responsibility even as your brain tells you that you don't have them.
Yeah, I keep thinking about the last couple of times I saw him, like maybe I should have noticed something, and at least could have talked to one of his closer friends about it, (or him), I also keep thinking or try to Imagine what he must have been feeling right at the end, He managed to get to the top of a parking garage at night and Jump off, what was going through his head as he stood on the edge?
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Old November 30 2013, 07:57 PM   #8
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

Tribble puncher wrote: View Post
teacake wrote: View Post
I still think about the people I knew who committed suicide years later. Two I knew only briefly, another was the partner of a long term friend. It is a sadness different to other deaths and brings all kinds of feelings of responsibility even as your brain tells you that you don't have them.
Yeah, I keep thinking about the last couple of times I saw him, like maybe I should have noticed something, and at least could have talked to one of his closer friends about it, (or him), I also keep thinking or try to Imagine what he must have been feeling right at the end, He managed to get to the top of a parking garage at night and Jump off, what was going through his head as he stood on the edge?
As I said, do not do that, please, for your own sake.
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Old November 30 2013, 10:11 PM   #9
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

I've gotten some good out of doing that though, thinking about what I could have done. It's a regret I have of not speaking to the last person I knew who suicided, a teenager. I wanted to say something positive to her but I was in a hurry and didn't and that has really upset me over the years. Not that the positive thing was in any way related to her being vulnerable, I had no idea she was suicidal or depressed or anything like that, it's just that my last impulse towards a person (who I barely knew) was a positive one and would have been nice to hear, I didn't go through with it, and then the death.

What I have gotten out of that is to act on positive impulses. It's painful to have this failure on my part come to mind which it does regularly but it's a prodding to just go ahead, say that positive thing even if you don't know someone well. Or make that phone call, or buy someone a cookie to take back to the office or.. really anything that your brain goes "I should/could do that" but shyness or laziness or apathy just stops you from doing. So though I do not think rationally that my actions would have prevented this suicide I do think I can take away from my experience a commitment to be nicer to people and act on my thoughts and impulses to do that.
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Old December 1 2013, 02:29 AM   #10
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

thanks for the advice/thoughts everyone...JarodRussell...I get what you are saying, it's a slippery slope and for some I could see it become obsessive, possibly in the most extreme circumstances...event an attempt at emulation...but you are right, I can never know exactly how he was seeing the world, and what he felt at the end. Teacake, thanks for the story...it made me think a little too...life is of indeterminate length, why not do those little extra courtesies for others? why not do things here and there and complain a little less? maybe on a societal scale it will make no difference, but at least you did what you could to make the world a little more pleasant.
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Old December 1 2013, 07:38 AM   #11
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

God.. this afternoon I found out that a woman I had been friendly with on and off over the years has recently suicided, leaving two very young children. It is so shocking and sad and angering.. I got angry hearing about it because I remembered another woman I knew in the same area who spent 10 years fighting cancer before she died and suddenly I was so angry that someone else could just give up but then I thought No. No. You don't know what she was fighting, you have no idea.

Weirdly she passed through my mind this morning because the last time I had coffee with her there was one element she was talking about in her life that I was quite jealous of and it just came up again in my head this morning, literally "she was certainly lucky with that, I wish I had that".. and of course I'm totally humbled now and determined to be grateful and appreciate and enjoy every single thing I do have.

What's hard to is your memories of a person are often vital and alive, I remember this woman as just FULL of energy and vivaciousness and it's hard to reconcile it with what has happened.
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Old December 2 2013, 09:35 AM   #12
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

{{{{{Tribble puncher}}}}} I'm very sorry.
Quite teh same happened to me some 5 years ago when a colleague/friend shot himself dead after he lost the major-elections and his wife had an affair with the neighbour (both his own fault, though! He treated his wife like a slave and was an annoying know-it-all who affronted everyone).
When I heard it first, I thought it a very bad joke. But when I had learned that it was true, and I started to think about it I found it was indeed completely in character. He was the kind of person who never lookes for an alternative. If they come to a mountain they don't search for a way around it but run headfirst against it until they have made a tunnel.

I think that your friend was in a similar frame of mind. The idea of talking to his friends didn't even occur to him. All he could see was his huge problems as he was too close to look around them. He was too overwhelmed to look for an alternative route (He could for example have done social service work or community work instead of going to prison).


With all these suicides I wonder - could it be that people nowadays have difficulties to handle problems? I mean, just look at the divorce rates: the minute couples encounter difficulties, they file a divorce. At my time a divorce was not as easy to get and people were forced to stay together and work their problems out.
All these suicides seem to me to be of a similar nature: people don't have the ability anymore to tackle problems and they run away.
Maybe it's our fault and the fault of our parents: we have always made life easy for the younger generation, we wanted them to have a better life than we had and so they never got the proper fighting training that's so essential in life.
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Old December 2 2013, 09:44 AM   #13
Gov Kodos
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

That would depend on whether the rate of suicide is any higher than the past. This article focuses on baby boomers and the sharp increase among them. I don;t know if there are increasing trends in other groups, though. Perhaps, another issue beyond economic factors would be an increasingly isolated existence in the first world and over reliance on the internet as a substitute for physical contact which our primate ancestors and ourselves require?

Silly me, forgot to link the article http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/03/he...n-us.html?_r=0
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Old December 2 2013, 10:03 AM   #14
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

The bit about the isolation is an excellent point. I'm in a very similar situation: I have contacts to colleagues and to the staff at the shops I frequent but my close friends (in the sense of soul mates) are distributed over the whole globe. Life nowadays involves following the jobs. We all have to be nomadic but contrary to real nomades, our tribes get scattered all the time.
The internet is both a chance to stay in contact with faraway people and a risk to lose contact to the immediate surroundings, I think.
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Old December 2 2013, 10:26 AM   #15
teacake
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Re: I just found out a Friend of mine commited suicide...

Rhubarbodendron wrote: View Post
All these suicides seem to me to be of a similar nature: people don't have the ability anymore to tackle problems and they run away.
Maybe it's our fault and the fault of our parents: we have always made life easy for the younger generation, we wanted them to have a better life than we had and so they never got the proper fighting training that's so essential in life.
This is really a horrible thing to say. People have mental health issues, the whole point of my last post was that we don't know what people are up against. Run away? You think people just off themselves because they are lazy? People struggle with mental health issues for years, decades.. sometimes it gets too much for whatever reason.

Unless you are close to a person you probably aren't going to know just how hard they struggled, how many times they almost did it but came through, how many ways they tried to cope better whether through medication or self medicatin or faith or support groups.. YOU DON'T KNOW.

FFS reading your post it's like you never heard of depression.
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