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Old January 4 2014, 11:15 AM   #1
Naira
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How to break up after 8 years

I am in need for some advice.

I have been in a relationship with a great guy for the past 8+ years. I love him dearly but it has come to the point where I see there is no future since we want different things from our lives. I know that letting the relationship go on can only make me miserable in the long run and, no matter how much I do not want to admit it, I know deep inside that I should end it.

This has been my only relationship and I have no experience in such things. Being honest and open and making clear the reasons why I cannot go on seems right. However, I do not know how to do it. I am afraid that it will be easy for me to get pulled back into the relationship because we truly love wach other very much.

Do you have any past experience in similar situations? Did you find a way to make things a bit easier emotionally?
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Old January 4 2014, 12:21 PM   #2
Timelord Victorious
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

Well, for what it's worth, my credentials are a 7 year relationship that reach it's expiration date some time ago.
I didn't initialize the break up, but when she did, it felt right to me, too.
So we didn't break up on bad terms precisely because we ended it when we should have.
These days we don't have much contact outside of the odd facebook message which is regretable a bit, but I guess the natural conclusion of things.
It just shows that we don't really have much to say to each other because of different life styles and interests.


So my advice would be, don't hold it back too long and don't try to sugar coat the truth too much.
Be honest and tell him, you didn't want it this way, but with the way you feel, you wouldn't do both of you a favour by pretending that all's well in the future.
Living an illusion just produces resentment in at least one of you.
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Old January 4 2014, 01:45 PM   #3
Deckerd
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

I think TL is right. You might well find that he's been trying to pluck up the courage too.
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Old January 4 2014, 02:26 PM   #4
Collingwood Nick
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

Or if that's too hard, do it by SMS.
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Old January 4 2014, 02:39 PM   #5
Timelord Victorious
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

Collingwood Nick wrote: View Post
Or if that's too hard, do it by SMS.
No.
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Old January 4 2014, 03:08 PM   #6
2takesfrakes
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

When the bottom line is, "I don't want you," there is pain associated with that rejection and it cannot be avoided. Offer to try finding him dates ... hooking him up with a girlfriend, or whatever else, like that. Be there for him in that sense, but always at arm's length, lest he will always foster the false-hope that you two can reconsile. If it is over, it is over. There is no need to be a bitch about it, of course there isn't ... but don't soft-pedal the truth, if you truly mean it.
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Old January 4 2014, 03:46 PM   #7
Bumbles861
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

2takesfrakes wrote: View Post
Offer to try finding him dates ... hooking him up with a girlfriend, or whatever else, like that.
That is the funniest thing I have read all day.

Just be honest and be quick about it and if he starts whining, don't let it sway you on your decision.
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Old January 4 2014, 03:47 PM   #8
Collingwood Nick
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

You're informing him of a decision, not opening negotiations.
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Old January 4 2014, 03:49 PM   #9
Yuletide Caroler
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

2takesfrakes wrote: View Post
Offer to try finding him dates ... hooking him up with a girlfriend, or whatever else, like that.
I'd recommend against this. Breaking up means moving on from one another and that cannot happen if you're immediately helping him forge his new romantic life.

Best just to be honest and firm in what you know is the truth: Your lives are headed on separate paths and you know that your future is not with him. It's not a commentary on either of you as individual people - it's a matter of fact. It's sad and unfortunate. But it's best to move on than find yourself living a life you are unsatisfied with. People rarely, if ever, fundamentally change who they are. So regardless of what he says, the chances are incredibly slim that he suddenly becomes the person you really will find that future with.

If you're calm, understanding, honest and firm ... then you'll be okay, even if he reacts emotionally.
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Old January 4 2014, 06:51 PM   #10
FPAlpha
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

If you've reached this point the only way to do it right is like ripping off a band aid.

Make it quick, it will be much pain at first but in the long run it's better. There is no sugarcoating it or dancing around the topic.

Be honest to him about the reasons, try to be calm (easier said than done) and start moving on with your life, i.e. either one of you start finding a new place to live if you have lived together etc.

Good luck.
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Old January 4 2014, 11:02 PM   #11
Santaman
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

Been, there, no its not easy, yes it will hurt, seems in your case there are no bad feelings, no hurt or anger, that will make it easier, not less painful though.

Talk, be honest, those are the keywords, my gf and I parted because of similar things and we've become good friend again like we were before we got involved romantically.
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Old January 4 2014, 11:16 PM   #12
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

Also you could tell him that you do feel it is inevitable and you think it would be a disservice to him to drag it out it for more years just to avoid the pain.
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Old January 4 2014, 11:43 PM   #13
Naira
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

You are all right. Well, as you have probably guessed, I do agree with you. It just feels so sad and really hurts to let go of my dreams for growing old with him and our future children.

Thanks for listening and offering your thoughts.
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Old January 4 2014, 11:44 PM   #14
teacake
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

You have my sympathies Naira, I know letting go of a future you hoped for is very painful.
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Old January 5 2014, 12:02 AM   #15
Santaman
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Re: How to break up after 8 years

Wished I could make it easier for you or less painful.

Take care.
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