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Go Back   The Trek BBS > Star Trek Movies > Star Trek Movies XI+

Star Trek Movies XI+ Discuss J.J. Abrams' rebooted Star Trek here.

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Old May 30 2013, 11:24 PM   #1
Candlelight
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The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

http://www.the-editing-room.com/star...-darkness.html

My favourite bits:

CHRIS’S SHUTTLE is chased by KLINGON SHIPS, unless you’re watching this in 3D, in which case a bunch of BLURRY BLOBS chase a bunch of SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BLURRY BLOBS.
ZACHARY QUINTO
In the meantime I'll call up my older self for some future spoilers. What can you tell me about Benedict, Leonard?

LEONARD NIMOY
Why the hell are you wasting your time talking to me on Skype instead of calling Starfleet for backup or warning them about Peter Weller's plan?

ZACHARY QUINTO
Uh...

LEONARD NIMOY
Are you going to do this EVERY time you get into trouble? I thought this was a reboot? Shouldn't you be having new and different experiences that would render the future knowledge from my time-line completely useless?

ZACHARY QUINTO
Well...

LEONARD NIMOY
Go swallow a knife jackass.
(cashes cheque)
(leaves)
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Old May 31 2013, 12:24 AM   #2
beamMe
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

Candlelight wrote: View Post
http://www.the-editing-room.com/star...-darkness.html

My favourite bits:

CHRIS’S SHUTTLE is chased by KLINGON SHIPS, unless you’re watching this in 3D, in which case a bunch of BLURRY BLOBS chase a bunch of SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BLURRY BLOBS.
Well, have your eye-sight checked.
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Old May 31 2013, 01:18 AM   #3
M'Sharak
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

beamMe wrote: View Post
Candlelight wrote: View Post
http://www.the-editing-room.com/star...-darkness.html

My favourite bits:

CHRIS’S SHUTTLE is chased by KLINGON SHIPS, unless you’re watching this in 3D, in which case a bunch of BLURRY BLOBS chase a bunch of SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BLURRY BLOBS.
Well, have your eye-sight checked.
Perhaps you want to address that to the writer by submitting a comment at the bottom of the parody/review page? It's sort of a pointless drive-by, when posted here.
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Old May 31 2013, 01:23 AM   #4
beamMe
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

M'Sharak wrote: View Post
beamMe wrote: View Post
Candlelight wrote: View Post
Well, have your eye-sight checked.
Perhaps you want to address that to the writer by submitting a comment at the bottom of the parody/review page? It's sort of a pointless drive-by, when posted here.
Yes, so?
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Old May 31 2013, 01:47 AM   #5
Candlelight
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

beamMe wrote: View Post
Candlelight wrote: View Post
http://www.the-editing-room.com/star...-darkness.html

My favourite bits:

CHRIS’S SHUTTLE is chased by KLINGON SHIPS, unless you’re watching this in 3D, in which case a bunch of BLURRY BLOBS chase a bunch of SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BLURRY BLOBS.
Well, have your eye-sight checked.
Having worked in a lot of 3D television production I find this comment amusing.
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Old May 31 2013, 03:09 AM   #6
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

Well, if those are the best bits it's not very clever.
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Old May 31 2013, 04:25 AM   #7
OpenMaw
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

Come on guys. Lighten up and have a good chuckle. There's no need for the new school, or the old school, to be so wound up and serious business all the time.
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Old May 31 2013, 04:30 AM   #8
Admiral Buzzkill
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

There's no need to pretend that stupid and unfunny is funny just to be sporting, either.
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Old May 31 2013, 04:35 AM   #9
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

Admiral Buzzkill wrote: View Post
There's no need to pretend that stupid and unfunny is funny just to be sporting, either.
Certainly, but I don't think one needs to be unduly hostile about it, either.
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Old May 31 2013, 04:37 AM   #10
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

OpenMaw wrote: View Post
Admiral Buzzkill wrote: View Post
There's no need to pretend that stupid and unfunny is funny just to be sporting, either.
Certainly, but I don't think one needs to be unduly hostile about it, either.
Calling something unfunny "unfunny" isn't unduly hostile. It's accurate.
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Old May 31 2013, 04:41 AM   #11
BillJ
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

I think some of these folks need to try and make their own $200 million dollar films before talking poorly about others work.
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Old May 31 2013, 04:46 AM   #12
OpenMaw
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

Squiggy wrote: View Post
Calling something unfunny "unfunny" isn't unduly hostile. It's accurate.
Well, accuracy implies that it's something that can be objectively measured. It's certainly an honest and valid opinion, though. I was speaking in a more general sense. It was a mistake to quote Admiral Buzzkill on my second reply, as it wasn't specifically addressed at countering his opinion specifically. I've simply noticed that there are some who refuse to take even the slightest hint of criticism against Trek (new or old) and become overtly defensive, even when said criticism is done solely for humor's sake. (Whether it is of quality or not, is another matter entirely.) I sensed a mood forming over the thread already. My mistake.
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Old May 31 2013, 04:49 AM   #13
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

BillJ wrote: View Post
I think some of these folks need to try and make their own $200 million dollar films before talking poorly about others work.
That's not exactly what criticism is about, however. Take the late Roger Ebert, for example -- regarded as the world's greatest film critic, but when he took a stab at screenwriting, he sucked, and he owned up to this shortcoming. It didn't take away from his critical thinking or writing skills, but it just goes to show that the critics and creators aren't quite interchangeable.
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Old June 2 2013, 03:43 PM   #14
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

Another great dissection from The Editing Room; or, er, abridgement.

One of the best parts of new, big-budget movies coming out is that you know it means one of these puppies is soon to follow.

These efforts may be largely tongue-in-cheek, or not, but a lot of the criticisms hit home, for me.

And I also think one can pick up a few decent insults from some of the screenplays/parodies, including this one.

Anyway, some of my favourite bits (which, I'll admit, is basically half the screenplay -- but whatever ):

KARL URBAN

Great, you just shot our getaway vehicle, genius.

CHRIS PINE

Since we presumably rode here on it you’d think I’d know not to shoot it. Maybe we should just explain to the aliens that we’re trying to save them from that huge volcano that’s about to vomit lava all over everything?

KARL URBAN

No way. The Prime Directive states we can’t interfere with a primitive culture. Unless they have something we want. The fountain of youth, for instance. The aliens didn’t see your face, did they?

CHRIS PINE

No.

(uncovers face)

There, that’s better. Oh look, a cliff. I’d love to hang off of that.

KARL URBAN

Maybe next time. Jump!
Glad they got in a reference to Kirk hanging off ledges in the first movie. His constant scrapes with death in contrived action scenarios are exceeded only by the number of times the laws of physics (or biology) are needlessly -- lazily -- violated.

PETER WELLER

(opens blinds)

Ah, that’s better. We can’t possibly conduct this meeting in a fortified room that isn’t completely exposed to an outside attack. Now as you all know, a library on planet London was bombed by one of our own officers, Benedict Cumberbatch.

CHRIS PINE

My keen douche-sense tells me the bombing was just a ploy to get us all in the same room!
Again, as in the last movie, Kirk playing the preternatural hero/supreme intellect -- by having everyone else be dumber than a bag of bricks. And what amazing, split-second timing!

ZACHARY QUINTO

Hey Bruce, mind if I mind-rape you before you croak? Beep one time for yes and two times for no.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

(beep)

(beep)

ZACHARY QUINTO

Yes yes? All-right!

(does mind-meld)

BRUCE GREENWOOD

(croaks)
Nice how the writer picked up on the barbarous shallowness of this one -- mind melds (and personal freedoms) now mean nothing. A person is about to cark it (what happened to 23rd Century medicine, BTW?) and Spock can just suck their soul.

The ENTERPRISE suddenly breaks down within SHUTTLE RANGE of KRONOS, meaning they were roughly ONE POINT THREE SECONDS away from PASTING THE ENTIRE SHIP ACROSS THE PLANET'S SURFACE when they stopped.
ANTON YELCHIN

Keptin! We’ve been knocked out of warp and have stopped near Earth!

CHRIS PINE

The hell? We were just in the Klingon’s backyard like 30 seconds ago. How did we get back to Earth so fast?
Yes, what the hell is up with distances/flight time in this film? It was bad enough warping to Vulcan in six minutes in the last movie, but these bizarre developments run roughshod over the fabric of credibility. Even leaving aside transwarp beaming, the characters might as well wear ruby slippers or click their fingers when they want to get somewhere ... by fiat of the writers, anything is possible, no matter how incoherent or stupid.

CHRIS PINE

Like anybody gives a shit what you neckbeards think. I’m going down to the planet with Zachary and some redshirts. Oh and you too, Zoe.

ZOE SALDANA

Yes! I actually get to go on a mission and do something useful like all the other boys for a change!

CHRIS PINE

Not really. You’ll basically spend the whole trip whining about how much you think your boyfriend doesn’t love you, completely ignoring the fact Zachary's an alien whose entire culture is based on suppressing emotion. I mean were you really that surprised?

ZOE SALDANA

Still, it beats sitting on my ass with a D cell battery jammed in my ear.
Yup, I hate this reboot's Uhura -- she's petulant, whiny, abrupt, abrasive, and plain contemptible. I despised the way she condescended to her roommate and bossed Spock around ("No, I'm assigned to the Enteprise") in the last movie; and here, if anything, she's worse.

JOHN CHO

And I'll give away our position to the Klingons by broadcasting a hollow threat to Benedict. Yay me!
Zero thought was apparently exerted on the matter of quite how the Enterprise might actually evade detection by a militaristic space-faring race when parked inches from its homeworld -- and with Sulu blatantly giving away their presence with a transmission, this whole story aspect is simply ludicrous, IMO. But then, so much of the film is similarly inept, in my view, that one piece of idiocy blurs into another.

CHRIS PINE

Welp, looks like my cocky douchebaggery finally got my entire crew killed. It’s been an honor boning you. My hot female alien crewmembers, I mean. If only we were saved by a Deus Ex Machina with a Scottish accent.

SIMON PEGG

Aye captain! I sneaked aboard Peter’s ship and shut it down!

CHRIS PINE

And you couldn't have done that like 5 minutes ago? You would have saved at least 50 people from being sucked into outer space.
The timing of everything in these J.J. Abrams films is the epitome of contrived -- the plotting is so frequently ridiculous that they're impossible to buy into on virtually any level, IMO.

CHRIS and BENEDICT dive over to PETER’S SHIP in a redo of the SKYDIVING SCENE from the previous movie, except HORIZONTALLY.
A perfect demonstration of how creatively bankrupt Abrams and his team really are. Of course, some tension is injected into this scene, and I use that word advisedly, when Kirk's helmet begins to crack, because even marginally-advanced materials don't exist in Abrams' universe, except when they do. I don't know which action sequence is the more lame or pointless.

ZACHARY QUINTO

In the meantime I'll call up my older self for some future spoilers. What can you tell me about Benedict, Leonard?

LEONARD NIMOY

Why the hell are you wasting your time talking to me on Skype instead of calling Starfleet for backup or warning them about Peter Weller's plan?

ZACHARY QUINTO

Uh...

LEONARD NIMOY

Are you going to do this EVERY time you get into trouble? I thought this was a reboot? Shouldn't you be having new and different experiences that would render the future knowledge from my time-line completely useless?

ZACHARY QUINTO

Well...

LEONARD NIMOY

Go swallow a knife jackass.

(cashes check)

(leaves)
I love this evisceration, too.

Last edited by Cryogenic; June 2 2013 at 03:56 PM.
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Old June 2 2013, 07:04 PM   #15
M'Sharak
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Re: The Editing Room does Star Trek Into Darkness (spoilers)

Cryogenic wrote: View Post
[...]

Anyway, some of my favourite bits (which, I'll admit, is basically half the screenplay -- but whatever ):

<snip>

CHRIS PINE

No.

(uncovers face)

There, that’s better. Oh look, a cliff. I’d love to hang off of that.

<snip>
Glad they got in a reference to Kirk hanging off ledges in the first movie.

[...]
The Editing Room worked a couple of references to it into their parody script for that movie, too. I thought shyaporn's take on the "Kirk hanging by his fingertips" trope had the advantage of being more succinct (and perhaps funnier, for not having taken itself at all seriously.)
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