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Old April 12 2013, 11:40 PM   #1
Miss Chicken
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Funny product reviews

There are some really funny reviews for this product on Amazon such as

I can't find a switch to turn it on, and it didn't come with batteries. This is not the "for her" product I was expecting. At all.
I am a man of some importance, and after years of writing important documents in my study with the quintessential Bic pen, I grew tired of the labour and decided to task my woman with taking dictation from me. I eagerly anticipated hours of luxurious fiddling with complicated puzzles in my now free hands, or gently rolling my thumbs as my wife dutifully took down my wisdom, but I was in for a surprise when I discovered her complete inability to use my mighty Bic!! "Be it here for know..." I would begin, only to watch her falter, dropping my stylus and nearly collapsing from the effort it took her to wield it! I took pity on the poor creature and searched for a suitable implement with which she could fulfill the work I had set before her and after some search came across the BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen. At first I was overjoyed! Finally I could achieve my dream of hands free writing and relax while my wife kept herself busy with recording my stream of brilliance. I ordered the pens and watched with a boyish glee as she opened them on our wedding anniversary (along with the dust pan and oven mitts I got her). At first all went well. At evening in my study, I would sit back and recount amazing thoughts I had had while she worked diligently in the corner filling notepad after notepad with my wisdom......................(another couple of paragraphs)
There are over 1000 reviews for this set of pens.

So do you know of any other products that have got reviewers creating juices flowing?
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Old April 13 2013, 12:25 AM   #2
Zulu Romeo
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Re: Funny product reviews

The legendary Paul Ross box canvas print, of course:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Box-Canvas-P.../dp/B001N6W8U0

This is the icon of our age. It needs to (nay, must) be displayed in community centres and other places where people gather so that as many as possible might benefit. For my own part, I drape my personal canvas print over a WW2 searchlight and beam Paul skywards such that he fills the night sky. As a result, the Police report that crime in my home town is down and the local doctor estimates that the number of people coming to him with conditions such as athletes foot and haemorrhoids has halved. I think we all know why. My hope is that in 5 years time, the Paul beams will have reached deep into space to strange new worlds, will have sought out new life and new civilizations, and will have boldly inspired where no man has inspired before.
For years I have been a silent sufferer from the embarassing condition that is piles. I have tried everything to remove it permanantly, walrus urine, bats droppings, eye of toad and tounge of newt until one day this arrived as a gift from my wife Marjorie. Imagine my pleasure when I unwrapped this gift to set my eyes on the all knowing and beatific Paul Ross. His majestic eyes looking out at me seemed to show understanding. I immediately placed it above our marital bed so we could both take pleasure from his magical presence. The next morning I awoke with more vigour than normal and no irritation in the anal area, I was surprised and upon inspection Marjorie found that the condition that had been the bane of my life had completely cleared up. A true miracle and I can only attribute this to the power of this portrait. I shal be contacting the Vatican shortly to have this miracle verified and to have this man made into a saint.
I bought one of these to compliment the box canvas print of Nick Knowles which hangs over the fireplace in my sitting room, it replaced a print of Stuart Maconie which just wasn't generating the right degree of smugness in the room. Paul Ross has done the trick and the the Knowles/Ross combination creates such a warm, smug glow, that my heating bills have been halved - a great investment.
Don't buy this picture. It looks fine on the website, but the one they send you is upside-down. My wife hasn't stopped crying for a week.

Shoddy, Amazon. C-.
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Old April 13 2013, 12:50 AM   #3
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Re: Funny product reviews

Yesterday I was a bed ridden, drug addled alcoholic with no hope, no future.
Then I bought this.
Now I'm a bed ridden, drug addled alcoholic with no hope, no future, but with a 20" Canvas of Paul Ross.
You just never know what lies around the corner.
And I thought TBBSers tended to have too much free time...
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Old April 13 2013, 12:56 AM   #4
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Re: Funny product reviews

I think my personal favorite of the Bic For Her pen reviews was the woman who was so happy to finally have something other than "a stick and [her] feminine blood" with which to write.

A true classic for reviews, of course, is the infamous Three Wolf Moon Tee Shirt.
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Old April 13 2013, 01:18 AM   #5
The Festivus Awakens
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Re: Funny product reviews

http://www.amazon.com/2009-2014-Outl...f=cm_lmf_tit_5

The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China [Paperback]

List Price: $495.00
Price: $470.25
& FREE Shipping.

Book Description
Publication Date: January 8, 2009

This econometric study covers the latent demand outlook for wood toilet seats across the regions of Greater China, including provinces, autonomous regions (Guangxi, Nei Mongol, Ningxia, Xinjiang, Xizang - Tibet), municipalities (Beijing, Chongqing, Shanghai, and Tianjin), special administrative regions (Hong Kong and Macau), and Taiwan (all hereafter referred to as "regions"). Latent demand (in millions of U.S. dollars), or potential industry earnings (P.I.E.) estimates are given across some 1,100 cities in Greater China. For each major city in question, the percent share the city is of the region and of Greater China is reported. Each major city is defined as an area of "economic population", as opposed to the demographic population within a legal geographic boundary. For many cities, the economic population is much larger that the population within the city limits; this is especially true for the cities of the Western regions. For the coastal regions, cities which are close to other major cities or which represent, by themselves, a high percent of the regional population, actual city-level population is closer to the economic population (e.g. in Beijing). Based on this "economic" definition of population, comparative benchmarks allow the reader to quickly gauge a city's marketing and distribution value vis-a-vis others. This report does not discuss the specific players in the market serving the latent demand, nor specific details at the product level. The study also does not consider short-term cyclicalities that might affect realized sales. The study, therefore, is strategic in nature, taking an aggregate and long-run view, irrespective of the players or products involved.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews


WARNING - **NOT** a MicroSoft product!!!!

I was thinking, "Sweet! Finally a version of Outlook that will run on my wooden Chinese toilet seats!!" Little did I know this has **NOTHING** to do with Outlook for Windows or any other MicroSoft product. It is NOT a five-year wooden-toilet email/calendar software product, but is in fact some kind of WELL-DONE REPORT ON TOILET SEATS!! By coincidence still entirely useful to me in my line of business but now I will have to find some other way to coordinate my inter-seat schedules and emails!! Buyer beware!!


This is weird

This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China the other day. Now today, here I am surfing Amazon and wouldn't you know it? The 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China. I am so happy the price seems reasonable. I'm thinking Amazing Anniversary Present!!!!!!


As Thrilling as Tai Pan! As Compelling as The Joy Luck Club! And as hypnotic as the I Ching!
This extraordinary analysis, panoramic in scale and of far reaching magnitude, is now finally available to the reader in two significantly useful and highly desirable formats: PDF e-download and paperback, 141 pages (Both $495.00,in stock and available with one click ordering).

A current blockbuster best seller and a classic in the making, this analysis is beloved by children as well as adults, scholars as well as arm chair travelers, the constipated as well as those who are decidedly not, and even those who can move their bowels regularly.

In fact, like many great writings, "The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China" can be appreciated on multiple levels....cultural, political, historic, dramatic, poetic, educational, satiric, humorous and even just plain goofy fun.

Starting with the eternal premise that "The concept of latent demand is rather subtle" the hypnotic story line evolves outward, captivating and fascinating the reader. Soon an overlay of the Eastern philosophical tenet "The average propensity to consume is constant" is introduced and as you can well imagine, all hell breaks loose!

In the end, despite coming to the ultimate and often life altering knowledge that "Product and service offerings, and the actual identity of the players involved, while important for certain issues, are relatively unimportant for estimates of latent demand", and "....in the long run, households with no income eventually have no consumption", the reader comes to fundamentally understand that the true nature, the very essence of humankind will, whatever the circumstance, choose a toilet seat over a hole in the ground nine times out of ten.

This report makes an excellent compendium to the recently published, and 44 years in the making, Historical Thesaurus of the Oxford English Dictionary (Historical Thesaurus of the Oxford English Dictionary: With Additional Material from A Thesaurus of Old English). Combined, the two tomes provide hours of wholesome fun especially for those who love to incorporate words such as "cyclicalities" and "exogenous" into everyday conversation or even just while texting BFFs.

Although not inexpensive, this report is extremely economical if downloaded in PDF format and printed on a continuous roll of toilet paper. It would then be "pay as you go" and quite affordable.

A minor complaint is that the report is not yet offered in Kindle format (Are you listening Amazon?). One can always look forward to that happy day!

NEWS FLASH!!!!! Just made available to Amazon customers, is the ultimate Toilet Seat Report experience: The 2007-2012 World Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats. Detailed research results is given for over 200 countries!!!! At $795 its worth every penny! A must for the world traveler!

NEWS FLASH FLASH!!!!! If you have been mesmerized by the character development in the two previously published works, be sure to read the just released prequel, The 2007-2012 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China. It is here that Philip Parker unrolls the dramatic events of the early life of the little humble peasant boy WingSit, the noble but driven hero of the series. What motivated WinSit to overcome the brutal hardships of his early years to become the world's greatest wood toilet seat carver? Surely the suffering imposed by his brutal wet nurse GoGoMe caused WingSit's stuttering and facial ticks but it is not until the mid point in this work does the reader learn of the scars to his chest and back and deep psychic damage suffered during enforced dodge ball tournaments in kindergarten. One of the most loved and memorable characters in the two previous works is WongBo the aged and sage Master Teacher of toilet seat carving who WingSit loves yet competes with and ultimately surpasses. In heart rending detail, Parker describes how little, stuttering WingSit is found wandering the narrow streets and lifted out of the squalor by the 25 year old WongBo then just setting out on his own as a journeyman toilet seat carver. I don't want to give away too much of the plot line. It is mesmerizing! One complaint is that the characters of Arabella the sexy statistician and Jeremiah the ardent social scientist are not introduced here. Perhaps there is another prequel in the works?
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Old April 13 2013, 02:10 AM   #6
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Re: Funny product reviews

There are quite a few really funny product reviews on Amazon. I don't think anything really tops the Three Wolves Moon T-Shirt. I also like the Hutzler Banana Slicer, A Million Random Digits, and for anybody into audio the Denon Dedicated Link Cable.
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Old April 13 2013, 02:21 AM   #7
The Festivus Awakens
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Re: Funny product reviews

Gary, I keep expecting Sinistar to pop out of your avatar and say "Run, coward! I hunger!"

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Old April 13 2013, 02:23 AM   #8
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Re: Funny product reviews

Best. Product. Reviews. EVER.
The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee



Just a sampling from the 242 pages of reviews for this item:
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
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Old April 13 2013, 03:50 AM   #9
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Re: Funny product reviews

Gary7 wrote: View Post
... and for anybody into audio the Denon Dedicated Link Cable.
I knew my day was going to improve when the truck pulled up at my home with this cable deep within. No ordinary truck, this one was Holy White, and the gold Delivery logo sparkled like a thousand suns reflected through shards of the purest ice formed with unadulterated water collected at the beginning of the universe. The driver, clad in a robe colored the softest of white, floated towards me on the cool fog of a hundred fire extinguishers. He smiled benevolently, like a father looking down upon his only child, and handed me a package wrapped in gold beaten thin to the point where you could see through it. I didn't have to sign, because the driver could see within my heart, and knew that I was pure. Upon opening the package, an angelic choir started to sing, and reached a crescendo as I laid this cable on my stereo system. Instantly, my antiquated equipment transformed into components made from the clearest diamond-semiconductor. The cable knew where to go, and hooked itself into the correct ports without help from me - all the while, the choir sang praises to the almighty digital god. With trepidation, I pushed "play," and was instantly enveloped in a sound that echoed the creation of all matter, a sound that vibrated every cell in my body to perfection. I was instantly taken to the next plane, where I saw the all-father. I knew with my entire soul, that all was good in the world.

But then I realized the cable was blue, so I only gave it one star. I hate blue.
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Old April 13 2013, 04:14 AM   #10
thestrangequark
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Re: Funny product reviews

I didn't have to sign, because the driver could see within my heart, and knew that I was pure.
That line was the best!
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Old April 13 2013, 04:30 AM   #11
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Re: Funny product reviews

thestrangequark wrote: View Post
I think my personal favorite of the Bic For Her pen reviews was the woman who was so happy to finally have something other than "a stick and [her] feminine blood" with which to write.

A true classic for reviews, of course, is the infamous Three Wolf Moon Tee Shirt.
Dammit, beat me to it.
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Old April 13 2013, 05:10 AM   #12
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Re: Funny product reviews

I first became aware of Amazon and other online shopping sites as a forum for creative writing during the presidential campaign. After Romney made his "binders full of women" comment, hundreds of women wrote fun reviews of Avery binders. I can't find any now; I guess the sites eventually deleted them.
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Old April 13 2013, 05:42 AM   #13
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Re: Funny product reviews

I don't think they delete reviews, I found quite a few binder reviews on this page

It's not that this isn't a good binder--it is--but it is waaaay overpriced, since anyone who actually still uses these can get piles of them from any local thrift store or garage sale for about 25 cents--or free, at our local university re-use center. But economizing is not something Mitt needs to know...

It is such an outmoded technology! OK, I do still use binders myself, being sort of an incorrigible 1970s gal, they are great for slides, my fantasy football notes, weird clippings... But for women??

It's really only Betty Crocker/Mirabel Morgan, pre-Gloria Steinem era women who fit in these binders.
Perhaps what Romney is looking for.

But if I'm looking for women in 2012, it's a lot easier to hook up online.

Or if he wants a direct line to really smart, funny, ethical, energetic women he could just drop in on any dinner party of Minnesota women. He should come meet some!
Shoot, I often hear more good, no-bullshit, incisive, AND TRUTHFUL political conversation before breakfast than I heard in all those hours of Mitt "debating."
Yes it is a nice white, but when I opened it up, all the women were crushed, twisted up and wrinkled. Some to the point of looking like the pretzels sold at the bridge entrance by the guy who you know doesn't wash his hands.
The binder itself is sturdy and durable. The women, however seemed quite malnourished from the shipping. I should have gotten one-day shipping.

But luckily they all survived by eating the packing peanuts in the box.
But it left me wondering two things . . .
1. What kind of compression machine do they use to get those women in there, and how do they lure them into it?
2. How bad is Avery really hating a certain person right now?

Last edited by Miss Chicken; April 13 2013 at 05:54 AM.
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Old April 13 2013, 07:48 AM   #14
Lumos Ziyal
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Re: Funny product reviews

^ Good job. You must've tried a little harder than I did.
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Old April 13 2013, 08:45 AM   #15
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Re: Funny product reviews

Unicron wrote: View Post
Yesterday I was a bed ridden, drug addled alcoholic with no hope, no future.
Then I bought this.
Now I'm a bed ridden, drug addled alcoholic with no hope, no future, but with a 20" Canvas of Paul Ross.
You just never know what lies around the corner.
And I thought TBBSers tended to have too much free time...
It's the gift that keeps on giving.

The first thing I thought when I saw this, is that sometimes 20 inches just isn't enough. A phrase I'm sure Paul hears all too often
After hanging this on my wall, I noticed red marks on his face. Turns out this picture cries the blood of Jesus Christ.

It's been a nightmare. Priests banging on my door day and night, nuns phoning at all hours. The Pope even sent me a letter on headed Vatican paper.

I don't need all of this.
Poor reproduction in all fairness, dont think its real, theres no brush marks or nuffing. Still looks good after all these years though, aged much better than his sister Diana.
I recently purchased this poster, and while it's lifelike, well made and had a certain, portly charm to it, I have since found out that it's actually *cheaper* to hire Paul Ross to come over and stand against a wall, whenever you feel the need to look at him.
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