Do you believe there is someone for every person?

[Emher]

Turned out I had a little more time: I don't personally even like coffee, so if she doesn't either that would be awesome. I'm a tea drinker.

Actually here in Sweden we have the famous "fika" which is basically just meeting somewhere out and having, typically, a bit of coffee and some kind of pastry and talking a bit. A fika can be between friends or as a date. I feel it's the proper level in any case, dinner is way more serious stuff.


EDIT: Forgot to add, she's a nurse at the sleep apnea clinic. I only met her last time and I thought we got a bit of a connection. At least I found her mesmerizing. So there's the ethical bit of her being my nurse, but it's not like she done a complete physical on me. She's helped with the programming of my CPAP machine. I'm going in tomorrow to have it reprogrammed a bit.

[J. Allen]

Emher wrote:

---

Turned out I had a little more time: I don't personally even like coffee, so if she doesn't either that would be awesome. I'm a tea drinker.

Actually here in Sweden we have the famous "fika" which is basically just meeting somewhere out and having, typically, a bit of coffee and some kind of pastry and talking a bit. A fika can be between friends or as a date. I feel it's the proper level in any case, dinner is way more serious stuff.


EDIT: Forgot to add, she's a nurse at the sleep apnea clinic. I only met her last time and I thought we got a bit of a connection. At least I found her mesmerizing. So there's the ethical bit of her being my nurse, but it's not like she done a complete physical on me. She's helped with the programming of my CPAP machine. I'm going in tomorrow to have it reprogrammed a bit.

She sounds intelligent, which is sexy as hell. I say go for it.
Also, one of my friends fell in love with a nurse who had been an old friend from high school. They met when he was in the hospital. They're getting married in 3 months. I'm officiating the wedding. Once more, I say go for it, because you never know, and even if it doesn't go anywhere romantically, can you honestly find a better way to spend your time, than in the pleasant company of an intelligent, "mesmerizing" person?

[teacake]

^ good point, it's still a good use of time to socialize even if it doesn't go anywhere romantic

[Kestra]

Yeah, I'm a big fan of encouraging people to just socialize more in general when they're looking for someone to date. It can help your social skills, you can practice flirting, you're widening your social circle which can help introduce more possible matches to your social life, etc. Personally, I think it's just great to meet new people.

[Kirkman1987]

Go for it and don't let any "ethical" concerns stop you. I slept with and then dated one of my college professors for three years. We have no real regrets about it. People can be a bit uptight about these things imo.

As you say, the worst case scenario is that you'll get some healthy socialization in.

[Rhubarbodendron]

RoJoHen wrote:

---

Unless you're some kind of psychopathic murderer rapist, there is someone out there for you.

Even then, I daresay. There are plenty of masochists.

Not my cup of tea, though. I prefer an equal partnership. That very much limits my choice as far as age and geographical range are concerned (it's not even 25 years that raping your wife became illegal in my country!).
I'm not going to give up, though I've found a few candidates that look promising. My favourite one is currently married but who knows - his wife might get hit by lightening, eaten by killer ants or abducted by aliens any day

[Mr Awe]

Gary Mitchell wrote:

---

I believe it but my someone is now married to someone else.

Well, remember what I said. There's more than one person who would make for a meaningful long-term relationship for everyone. It's not like there's one soul mate for you and that's it. There's actually a number of people who qualify even if you're reasonably choosy! You just have to get out and meet people.

Gary7 wrote:

---

He got to her ahead of me.

I was so bitter with fate for quite a long time after that...

Hopefully instead of just being bitter with fate you actually learned something from this? You actually had the upper hand in this because you met her first! Strike while the kettle is hot!

Mr Awe

[Mr Awe]

teacake wrote:

---

^ good point, it's still a good use of time to socialize even if it doesn't go anywhere romantic

Yeah, that's something I often recommend to someone who is having trouble finding that someone special. They often get worked up over it, so much so that it's a turn off. Just going out, being social without particularly looking for a romantic connection allows them to be more relaxed and fun. That'll in turn attract potential mates!

That's often why you'll hear stories about it happening when you least expect it, because you're just relaxed and having fun and voila nature takes its course!

Overthinking and stressing over it is a sure fire way to kill any budding romance!

Mr Awe

[Warp Coil]

I don't believe in "soul mates" in the sense that there is one specific person out there who we are destined to be with. I do think, however, that there are multiple potential matches out there. You just have to put yourself out there, be open, be honest and be willing to take a chance. Also, you shouldn't feel pressured to rush out and find someone because these things can take time. You may experience a number of unsuccessful/awkward/bad first dates before you finally find someone who you're compatible with, and even that is no guarantee that you'll be able to establish and maintain a relationship long-term.

I can understand why people get jaded about relationships/dating. Sometimes you feel like you're just wasting your time because you haven't found that special someone. Unfortunately, that's just the way it works. You just have to be open and keep chugging along until you find the right match. And often times it comes when you least suspect it. (I recently met someone quite randomly... I don't know where it's going yet... and it may just be a flash in the pan... but I'm going to follow through because who knows, maybe it could turn into something good.... I'll never know unless I try).

[Rhubarbodendron]

I wish I had 20 thumbs to thumb-up that post, Warp Coil!
Never give up and always try again because the perfect SO might be just around the corner

[Holdfast]

I think most people have literally millions of potential, vaguely compatible mates with whom they could live more or less satisfied lives, provided only that they are willing to compromise of some aspects of their life, out of a greater desire to settle down with one person (and potentially raise a family). I don't think there are any exceptions to that. Who they actually pick ends up being more about the perceived degree of closeness of the potential match versus the degree of compromise required versus their perceived desire to be in a(ny) relationship. Consider it a three-way, dynamic & interdependent, balancing act. If there's an equilibrium, it's considered love. Sometimes it's a stable equilibrium, sometimes an unstable one (in which case separation, and "falling out of love" occurs). Obviously, I appreciate that people don't perceive it that way, but those are nonetheless the factors at play.

The idea of a single soulmate is, I think, faintly ridiculous at best, though I can certainly grasp why it's a pervasive & emotionally appealing construct. I also think that most people intensely overvalue the concept of romantic love, to the detriment of their overall potential maximum net happiness over the course of their lives. That's not a criticism; people are free to choose to prioritise whatever they want and good luck to them. I hope they will be happy, and rejoice if they are. I just happen to think they're somewhat unwise.

A lot of the practical history of the family and its structures is down to economic/resource pressures that we - as an increasingly wealthy & complex society - are slowly finding ways of working around (note the vast expansions of healthcare, social care, welfare safety nets, transportation networks, employment options, luxury consumption, etc, etc, etc). I think that's a fairly irreversible process. What remains to bind couples together on a vaguely permanent basis is increasingly only the residual ideal of love. It will be interesting to see whether that remains enough as the generations continue to pass. It will for a long time I think, at least in theory (in practice, people will marry increasingly late, and even so, divorce rates will remain high), but at some point, a new concept that fills the same human need to have a manifest destiny, will probably overtake it in the popular imagination.

Interesting question, for sure.

[RAMA]

Kestra wrote:

---

I guess I just see it differently. I definitely miss the companionship of being with someone, although there are nice things about being single! But while my life may have a missing piece in it, I don't believe I do as a person.

Part of psychopathy is that they don't closely relate with other people.

Have you seen how many serial killers have wives or girlfriends that they don't kill or hurt in any way? Quite a few.

RAMA

[Timelord_Victorious]

Holdfast wrote:

---

A lot of the practical history of the family and its structures is down to economic/resource pressures that we - as an increasingly wealthy & complex society - are slowly finding ways of working around (note the vast expansions of healthcare, social care, welfare safety nets, transportation networks, employment options, luxury consumption, etc, etc, etc). I think that's a fairly irreversible process. What remains to bind couples together on a vaguely permanent basis is increasingly only the residual ideal of love. It will be interesting to see whether that remains enough as the generations continue to pass. It will for a long time I think, at least in theory (in practice, people will marry increasingly late, and even so, divorce rates will remain high), but at some point, a new concept that fills the same human need to have a manifest destiny, will probably overtake it in the popular imagination.

Interesting question, for sure.

This ties into my view on relationships, marriage and love.
It is a view that most people probably critic as un-romantic.

I have long since accepted that relationships have an expiration date. Life long love and romantic commitment is possible but in the minority.
Taking into account that most people have multiple relationships in their life, and no one plans to only stay together for x number of years (if it even gets to years).

The notion that you are supposed to meet your partner for life, 60-80 years, during or shortly after school is ridiculous.

That doesn't mean that any relationship that doesn't last until we die was a waste of time.
The opposite in fact.
having multiple relationships and loving different people during different stages of our life is an integral part of making us happy.

The art of recognizing the natural end of a relationship and discontinuing it without ill feelings toward the other is what makes a relationship ultimately successful in my opinion.
of course, it doesn't mean, that one of the partners won't get hurt in the process, but everyone should realize that ending a relationship is just as much a part of love as beginning one and it's not a terrible tragedy.

[Ood Sigma]

^ I was just thinking about this. People change and so do relationships. I know that at one time I considered my wife to be my "soul mate" and I couldn't have imagined being happy with anyone else. However not only has our relationship changed in the last few years, but both of us have changed in terms of personality and interests. I no longer feel as close to her as I once did.

I have no idea how things will work out in the future, but I am sure I would never regret being with her or have ill feelings.

[Kestra]

I see marriage as not really a promise to be passionately in love the rest of your life, but rather to be committed to the other person. A dedicated companion and partner for the rest of your life. It doesn't mean that you will never be attracted to or feel for anyone else. It doesn't mean that you will always feel exactly the same way you did at the beginning. People change over time. It does mean that you will put the relationship first, though.

With my situation, I'm not so much hurt that he found someone else attractive. I'm hurt that he gave up on me, because there are a hundred times I could have given up on him and didn't. I think being with someone for decades requires an unusual amount of dedication above anything else.