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Old December 31 2012, 03:56 AM   #1
sarahtreker
Cadet
 
Location: Gardner, MA
Jim's New Family Part I

James T. Kirk and Anna O’Shay were in the hologram area where Kirk had programmed a lake and mountain in the background. Anna, who was five feet tall with long brown hair and hazel eyes, entered and saw Jim trying to lie a blanket down on the ground. She went over to help him. This was when Kirk cupped his hands around her face and pulled it gently toward his.

“Jim, how long have we been coming here?” Anna asked him.

Jim, who was lying on a blanket that he had brought along with a picnic basket, answered Anna’s question. “Well you started to work on the Enterprise in Sick bay two years ago as a nurse. It was just after your husband, and twin daughters died due to a Romulan attack at the last Starbase that you worked on. It took me six months to be able to ask you out, so we have been seeing each other like this for a year and a half.”

“Well, I want more, Captain.” Then she snuggled up against him. “I want to be by your side for the rest of my life,” Anna said as she turned her head to face him.

“I don’t know if I can give you that,” Jim told Anna in a soft voice. “I do not want to put you in danger; I lost a son and his mother once. I don’t need to have another family die because of me,” Jim told her.

Anna then got up and strolled along the beach.

Jim watched her for a moment while he got out the sandwiches. After he had the picnic set up he joined her on the beach before slipping his arms around her waist, Anna turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck and then she pulled his lips to hers for a long slow kiss.

After that she pulled away a little and looked in his eyes and said, “Look at it this way, you will have four days to decide where we are going in this relationship. You can think about this while you are away on the scientific journey that you and the crew are going on, while I am at the conference which Dr. McCoy told me to attend.

“Right, I forgot about that,” Jim told her as he still held her in his arms. “Well then, why don’t we enjoy these sandwiches.” Then he walked Anna down to the blanket, and they both sat down on the blanket and ate their sandwiches.
______________

The next morning Anna was at the shuttle waiting for the lieutenant to take her down to Starbase 17. Then Anna turned and saw Dr. McCoy.

“Miss Anna, these are for you from the Captain,” McCoy said. He then handed her some red roses.

“Thank you, doctor,” Anna said.

McCoy then asked her, “Nurse Anna, are you and the Captain dating?”

“Well, look at the time; I better get on board before I'm too late...” Anna told her boss.
_____________

Back on the Enterprise Kirk sat down in the captain’s seat and folded the arm rests in. “Sulu, let’s stretch this girl’s wings. Warp six to the Talin system.”

“Warp six, sir,” Sulu replied back.

“Engage,” Kirk said, soon the view screen displayed nothing but the stars streaking by.

The turbo lift doors opened behind and Dr. McCoy walked on to the bridge.

“Jim, Nurse Anna loved her roses,” McCoy said to his friend with a huge grin on his face.

“Put a sock in it Doctor,” Jim said to his friend and then turned his chair back to the view screen.
____________________


Meanwhile at star base 17 there was a party in the lost ships area so they could see models of the Federation of Planets’ starships of the past hanging from the ceiling.

One of Anna’s oldest and closest friends named Jackie came along during intermission for the Conference which helped children to better relate to doctors and nurses. Jackie had asked if Anna can help her with an exhibit Jackie was also a doctor, but did some artifact digging in her spare time. She and Anna were in the middle of helping set up a new room for the children of the star base.
When all of a sudden there was a massive explosion and then lots of smoke filled the room. Then Anna saw them, Klingons, and they were here on Starbase 17. She thought they must have transported here and then used some kind of weapon to blow a hole through the wall.
__________________

“Captain, we have an incoming hail from Vice Admiral Hammersmith on Rigellian system,” Uhura stated.

“Onscreen screen, Commander,” Jim replied.

“Captain, Starbase 17 has been invaded by Klingons. We need the Enterprise to go there and stop them, by any means necessary.”

“Yes, sir understood.” Then the view screen went blank.

“Sulu, set a course for Starbase 17. Warp six and engage,” Kirk said to him.

“Captain, may I have a word with you?” Spock said.

“Of course Mr. Spock. Bones would you like to join us?” Jim asked him.

When all three of them got into Jim’s quarters, Spock asked the question weighing on both his and McCoy’s minds.

“Captain, is there something going on between yourself and Nurse Anna?” Spock asked.

“Yes, we have been courting each other for the last year and a half. I did not think it was serious between us, until a few minutes ago. I won’t lose Anna, not the same way that I lost Carol or David. Yes, Spock, I will be able to maintain a grip on this mission. If I don’t you will take over for me and I will have no complaint about it. So now then let’s do this mission by any means necessary.” Then Jim went back on the bridge.
______________________

Back on Starbase 17, Krell, who was a Klingon, pulled Nurse Anna up from her place next to the children who were visiting the museum were on the floor. And then he said, “Hail the starship that just came into the system.”

“Yes, sir.”
__________________

“Sir, we are getting a hail from Starbase 17,” Uhura said.

“On the screen Commander”

When the inside of the star base came up, Kirk noticed that all of the displays of the starships models were on the ground except for the first U.S.S. Enterprise . Krell then stepped into view holding a knife firmly against Anna's neck. “Hello Kirk am I glad that the Federation sent you,” Krell said.

Kirk, then saw Anna’s face, he saw the fear and tears in her eyes. He felt the anger rise in him, and almost let it come to a boil. It was then that he realized that he wanted to be with her forever.

“Krell release the women and children,” Kirk told him in a firm tone.

“Not until I have the security codes for the data bases here.” Then the screen went black. Kirk turned to Mr. Spock and Commander Uhura and told them, “Find out why the Klingons what the security codes for the data bases on Starbase 17. Scotty I need those transporters up and running now.”

Scotty came up on the com. “I am sorry captain, but the transporter coils are still broken, I am working on them as quickly as I can. I also want to remind you that the shields are still up we won’t be able to transport anyone off the base”

“I am aware of that Scotty, but if I am right Krell is still angry about that punch that I threw at him.” Jim had just finished saying that when the bridge just shook from a photon torpedo blast that came from the Klingon war ship.

“Sulu, fire photon torpedoes back and only target their weapon systems and life support systems.”

“Yes sir firing now,” Sulu said. “Direct impact captain! Their weapons and life support have been disabled,”

“Good, now disable shields, Scotty how are we doing on those transporters?”

“All set Captain, beaming them to our ship right now.”

“Captain, I found out what the Klingons are after,” Spock said from his science station. “It seems that on star base 17, they have some data chips of the Genesis Device; it seems that their female Klingons and children are dying. So I would think that they want the data chips for the Genesis Device to prevent any more Klingons from dying.”

“Very good Spock and you too Commander Uhura.”

All of a sudden McCoy came up to the bridge.

“Jim of all the gall, having all those children, women and Nurse Anna brought down to sick bay. They all have minor injuries and Nurse Anna has a small cut to her neck.” Bones said to Jim. “Well then what are you doing here? Go and treat them. I will be over as soon as I finish up here.”


“Captain the Klingon war ship is going away. It is leaving our system,” Chekov said.

“Good; Spock, Uhura upload the data chips on the Genesis Device.”

“Yes, Captain.” Uhura said.

“Mr. Spock you have the bridge,” Jim said. Then he walked toward his quarters.
______________________

Kirk, entered his quarters, and said, “lights” just then the lights turned on, illuminating the object which had been on his mind for some time. Approaching his dresser, Kirk opened a draw and removed from it a small black box. He opened it up and gazed fondly at his mother’s engagement ring.

“You would have liked Anna Mom.” He thought to himself.

With his mind made up, he sealed up the box. Taking it with him, Kirk left his quarters wanting nothing more than to speak to Anna who was currently being treated in the Sickbay.


________________

When Kirk walked into sick bay, a round of applause was given. The kids that were in the museum came and attached themselves to his legs.

Nurse Anna approached the captain with a face full of admiration. “Captain, I just wanted to say…”

All of a sudden Jim took her in his arms and kissed her.

Her friend Jackie replied, “Why don’t you two just get a room.”

“You will have someone someday too Jackie,” Miss Anna told her.

“Not at this rate,” she replied to Miss Anna.

Then the captain got down on one knee and asked, “Miss Anna O’Shay will you marry me?”

“Yes, Captain I will.” Then he got up and put the ring on her hand and kissed her again.


_______________________________________________

I hoped you enjoy this story this is the first Star Track fan fiction that I have written. So I am hoping for an honest review.
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Old January 1 2013, 11:28 PM   #2
Sandoval
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Re: Jim's New Family Part I

It should have as many more chapters as you, the author, feels it requires.
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Old January 6 2013, 07:16 PM   #3
Count Zero
Yeah, I know...
 
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Location: Land of Awesome
Re: Jim's New Family Part I

Well, you said you wanted an honest review, so please don't take what I'm about to say personally and above all, don't be discouraged. Most of us here started out modestly. I'm still somewhat embarassed by my first fan fic story.

While not a particularly original story, the Captain falling in love with a subordinate and the consequences this might lead to can make for interesting storytelling. Certainly, there's a lot of dramatic potential in your story. But, unfortunately, the way it is written prevents it from reaching that potential.

You try to squeeze info dumps about people into parts of the story and into dialogue where they seriously hamper the flow of the story. The worst example in my opinion is this (emphasis mine):

Jim, who was lying on a blanket that he had brought along with a picnic basket, answered Anna’s question. “Well you started to work on the Enterprise in Sick bay two years ago as a nurse. It was just after your husband, and twin daughters died due to a Romulan attack at the last Starbase that you worked on. It took me six months to be able to ask you out, so we have been seeing each other like this for a year and a half.”
So, Kirk and Anna are having a romantic picnic at the beach and he chooses that moment to remind her of a huge personal tragedy? That comes across as very unsensitive. I don't think anyone would talk that way. And why does she need reminding about the length of their relationship anyway? If I had been Kirk in that situation I would have seen it an a rhetorical question.
I understand that you want to tell us all about your characters but it makes for much better reading if you work those infos into the story in a more organic way. If you wanted to inform us about Anna's tragic background at this point (where it wasn't really necessary, but that's your choice) it could have been done by them talking about it or Anna thinking about it, for example.

Another example of this is this passage:

After that she pulled away a little and looked in his eyes and said, “Look at it this way, you will have four days to decide where we are going in this relationship. You can think about this while you are away on the scientific journey that you and the crew are going on, while I am at the conference which Dr. McCoy told me to attend.
The most important thing about dialogue is to make it sound authentic. I don't believe for a minute that anyone would speak like that. Anna would assume that Kirk knew about the conference and the scientific journey (what is that, anyway?) and would use shorthand for it like this maybe: "You can think about this while I'm away at the conference." Then, in a later passage, e.g. when Anna goes to the conference you can add in info about it and why she's there.

Another thing I found weird about the dialogues in the story was that Anna called Kirk Captain and he called her Miss Anna a couple of times. But maybe that was intended to be playful?

There are some very tense or dramatic scenes in your story but you don't make them sound dramatic at all. Prime example:

When all of a sudden there was a massive explosion and then lots of smoke filled the room. Then Anna saw them, Klingons, and they were here on Starbase 17. She thought they must have transported here and then used some kind of weapon to blow a hole through the wall.
I would suggest adding in more detail and more atmosphere, so to speak. There's a massive explosion - How does Anna react? How do the people around her react? What might they say to each other? Wouldn't they try to take some protective measures, especially with the children? How would they react if they suddenly saw a Klingon in front of them?

I suppose all these things can be subsumed under the general rule of taking your time with the narrative. The readers don't need to know everything about your characters right from the start. In fact, it's more fun to learn more about them as the story unfolds. Try to describe what's happening and possibly also what they're thinking in some detail. Otherwise, it won't be very interesting or gripping to the readers.

There are also some things in the plot that are unclear, e.g. how did Krell figure out that Anne was important to Kirk or was that coincidence? And how did McCoy find out about the Klingons dying?

Well, I hope I didn't come off as harshly or anything. I think if you work on the issues I've mentioned you can improve your writing greatly and I hope you keep trying.

As for the question on the number of chapters, the length of the story is really your call as an author. It should be as long as you think it needs to be to tell your story.
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