Break The Bully

[Rhubarbodendron]

in an asian country it's rather important, though. I had 3 chinese roommates as a student and my sister in law is Philippine. They all would propably still smile after they'd been run over by a car. Smiling is part of their culture and tradition.

Btw, is bullying a problem in Hong Kong schools as well?

[Gul Re'jal]

I'm not sure. I don't teach in a "normal" school, but in a small centre. But I know that the kids are under great pressure from early childhood, so it is possible bullying is not such a big problem here, because they simple don't have the time for such things. They spend their time at school, then on after-school activities (piano lessons, English lessons, Mandarin lessons, violin lessons, drawing lessons, whatever lessons) plus huge amounts of homework, so their energy and attention is being eaten by their parents' expectations and school-related matters. Discipline above all. Fun? What's fun?

I had a discussion about bullying with my older students and all of them said no one ever bullied them. Still, I think it happens.

[Owain Taggart]

I love how everyone's so supportive of each other in this thread. Group hug, anyone?

[MacLeod]

teacake wrote:

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The thing with not smiling (and I'm not a natural smiler, I've learned this and applied it, YMMV) is that people see you not smiling and they fill in the blanks. It's like being quiet around very extroverted people, they fill in the blank (your silence) with assumptions that you don't like them, or think you're too good for the conversation, or that something is wrong. When you don't smile in situations that society expects it people assume something is wrong or you are cold or uninterested in them.

Well introverts don't tend to be initiators of conversation, those that lean towards extroversion tend to have to initiate things.

Once again it's not the introvert that has the problem but the rather the extrovert who believes everyone should be like them. Initate conversations etc... That's not to say introverts won't initate things from time to time.

But there is a subtle difference between being an introvert and being shy. Now it is likely there are far more shy introverts than shy extroverts.

But once again there is nothing wrong with being shy. Shy people tend not to open themselves to many people and should you win a shy persons confidence you could have a friend for life.

[Rhubarbodendron]

Owain Taggart wrote:

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I love how everyone's so supportive of each other in this thread. Group hug, anyone?

definitely! A hug a day keeps the psychatrist away

[Nerys Ghemor]

I told my parents. I couldn't help it; I didn't (and often still don't) have that much of a filter when it came to what I told them. That, and home was a lot safer than school. I needed somewhere to feel safe. Even to this day I hear from some (either said about others or said to me) that it's a huge flaw that I'm very sensitive. I feel things deeply and cry easily, both when something bad happens to me, or if someone else is hurting. That, and being academically advanced, made me a huge target.

People perceived weakness. And the response was to either hurt me, or ask me to change my essential nature to be more like what they perceive to be "correct."

Still is, to this day, sometimes.

My mom tried to help. It didn't do much good because either well-meaning teachers made it worse, or the school administration joined in with the bullies in blaming me for it.

To this day, I still have a very, very hard time receiving a compliment for others. Part of my mind reacts to it like Admiral Ackbar: "IT'S A TRAP!" And usually in school, it was...bullies used to sometimes say something nice and then rip the rug right out from under me, absolutely humiliating me in front of everybody. I have a hard time trusting people--either trusting that others are being honest with me, or trusting that I am capable of holding up my end of a friendship.

[Captrek]

I live with four cats and they bully me constantly.

If I can be bullied by a bunch of pussies, what does that say about me?

[teacake]

Harry?

[Captrek]

Yes, Ma'am. I mean, Captain.

[teacake]

It's not crunch time yet Mr. captrek.

[Owain Taggart]

I know what you mean, Nerys. Being bullied has made me more sensitive as well, and also I guess, more aware. For the longest time, I used to be a very shy unsociable person because of this, but have slowly worked my way out of my shell. And like you, I've tended to question even friendly approaches from people because I feared it would be another prank. I did have a prank happen that way too once, going so far as someone calling the house and making disparaging comments or asking something unacceptable, which only made me more uncomfortable. That adds to a long line of reasons for getting frustrated easily.

[Rhubarbodendron]

yet the both of you have registered at this board, made friends and even found the courage to talk openly about what has happened to you and how it still influences your life.
I think that takes a lot of strength (which the bullies wouldn't have, I bet). It seems to me that in spite of everything, or maybe because of everything, you are much stronger than you believe.



To a certain extent I am in a similar situation. I was a member here, under a different name, 10 years ago. At that time there was a huge war between a group of trolls and the board management here. As I had friends on both boards and used to defend my buddies, I got between the fronts. It ended with me being bullied by an Admin here and many board members joining the "fun". Among them were quite a lot I had up to that point considered friends. It was rather a shock. When I tried to fight back against the bullying Admin, she perma-banned me, regardless of the fact that I had a perfectly clean record. (At that time the board was led in a rather undemocratic and unfair fashion; I guess nowadays it would be harder to perform such a stunt)
Now that Admin has left the board, Bonzie has taken over (she defended me back then, risking to get banned herself), and some RL friends of me who post here asked me to return, so I reluctantly joined, keeping my old name secret.
At first I felt extremely uncomfortable since quite a few of the bullies still post here, but after a few months now I am beginning to feel safer again and almost comfortable.
I am, in fact, considering to reveal my old name at the risk of getting bullied again.
For this time, I think, there would be quite a few people standing up against the bullies.

[Kestra]

Nerys Ghemor wrote:

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I told my parents. I couldn't help it; I didn't (and often still don't) have that much of a filter when it came to what I told them. That, and home was a lot safer than school. I needed somewhere to feel safe. Even to this day I hear from some (either said about others or said to me) that it's a huge flaw that I'm very sensitive. I feel things deeply and cry easily, both when something bad happens to me, or if someone else is hurting. That, and being academically advanced, made me a huge target.

People perceived weakness. And the response was to either hurt me, or ask me to change my essential nature to be more like what they perceive to be "correct."

Still is, to this day, sometimes.

My mom tried to help. It didn't do much good because either well-meaning teachers made it worse, or the school administration joined in with the bullies in blaming me for it.

To this day, I still have a very, very hard time receiving a compliment for others. Part of my mind reacts to it like Admiral Ackbar: "IT'S A TRAP!" And usually in school, it was...bullies used to sometimes say something nice and then rip the rug right out from under me, absolutely humiliating me in front of everybody. I have a hard time trusting people--either trusting that others are being honest with me, or trusting that I am capable of holding up my end of a friendship.

Owain Taggart wrote:

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I know what you mean, Nerys. Being bullied has made me more sensitive as well, and also I guess, more aware. For the longest time, I used to be a very shy unsociable person because of this, but have slowly worked my way out of my shell. And like you, I've tended to question even friendly approaches from people because I feared it would be another prank. I did have a prank happen that way too once, going so far as someone calling the house and making disparaging comments or asking something unacceptable, which only made me more uncomfortable. That adds to a long line of reasons for getting frustrated easily.

I haven't been bullied, so I hope I'm not just coming across as extremely insensitive. But I think at a certain point it becomes something you just can't hold onto. I wasn't bullied in school but I have been treated badly by people and had trust betrayed and I absolutely get why it's difficult to trust again. Even without bullying I have so many self-esteem issues. But saying "These people did this to me," is also like giving them continued power in your life.

I think that human interaction leaves us vulnerable, no matter who you are. There's always that risk in order to achieve that reward. At some point you've got to say okay, these ten people were really shitty to me but that's such a small segment of the population. Everyone is not that way. Or if everyone is that way in your life, examine why. Is it because you live in a small town where you stand out too much? Is it because of something you can't control and that really isn't your fault?

I don't know what I'm trying to say exactly, just I think it's a little dangerous or unproductive to linger on this sort of pain too much. I think you'll also find trust can be difficult for anyone, bullied or not. We've all been burned by someone.

[RJDiogenes]

SmoothieX wrote:

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How about we keep it simple and just do what people have done to bullies for years, pop them in the jaw. (I say this from personal experience.)

I hate this mamby pamby PC crap.

Yeah, let's rule out the civilized approach. We should probably arm the kids. An armed society is a polite society.

There were certainly bullies around when I was a kid, and bullies love skinny, four-eyed intellectuals. I dealt with them with a combination of sarcasm, yawning and obliviousness. Also, I had some friends, or at least allies, among the jocks and thugs. For one thing, my sarcasm frequently got me in trouble with teachers, which gave me street cred. For another, I was a compulsive helper, so I would do favors for people no matter who they were or what they had done. I remember one time some guy was harassing me at my locker and a long-haired knuckle-dragger came along and smacked him in the back of the head and told him to leave me alone. I had done the guy a favor one time, though I didn't, and still don't, remember what it was.

But, while coping skills should definitely be taught to kids, because life is going to be throwing hardballs at them no matter what, bullying, and other aggressive, insensitive behavior, is a social problem that needs to be cured. Social norms have to change. Ultimately, the only cure for bullying is civilization.

Owain Taggart wrote:

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I love how everyone's so supportive of each other in this thread. Group hug, anyone?

There you go. That's the answer.

As for those of you who consider yourselves ugly, it is really possible to love and appreciate yourself whether you match current standards of beauty or not. I'm certainly no handsome devil (except for my mesmerizing blue eyes ), but I think of myself as one of those really cool character actors from old movies or TV shows-- they weren't professional model material, but they were quirky and distinctive and likeable and admirable in their individuality. So you just have to learn to think of yourself as a classic character actor in the movie of life.

[JayOwl]

Deranged Nasat wrote:

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One of the most harmful long-term effects of bullying, in my experience, is that it causes you to lay down thinking patterns that lead you to accept helplessness and apathy. In my case, I soon realized that there was nothing I could do to stop the other children mocking me and holding me up as an object of fun. When they harrassed me, all my options led to the same result. If I ignored them, I was hilarious and so mocked further. If I answered them politely, I was hilarious and so mocked further. If I answered them angrily, I was hilarious and so mocked further. If I danced around and clucked like a chicken...well, that would be no more hilarious and mock-worthy than anything else I did.

Exactly my (admittedly limited) experience. I used to have mild versions of this, just continuing for a long while, usually by individuals and their 'lackeys' who seemed to be ok on their own but completely changed when in a group. The main problem I found was it never got bad enough that I felt that I could take action, but it was bad enough to aggitate me and I still think I've got a lot of surpressed anger (not just from this, but it's certainly a factor).

I did however, tear one apart publicly on facebook a few years back when he commented on one of my posts there and I just snapped. He was pretty damn stupid. It felt really good, mostly because I find it so much easier to communicate by text than by speech. My peer group actually backed me up. It stopped after that and I haven't had any more experiences of (successful) bullying since. It probably wasn't such as good way to handle it though, and I should've really been more assertive in real life but unfortunately although I've gotten much better, I still struggle with that.