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Old November 19 2011, 12:30 AM   #1
Deranged Nasat
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My Life Is Worth Living!

Yes, this is somehow a revelation for me. I apologise for this speech, because itís ridiculously simplistic at its core, but I finally understand where I didnít previously, and I wanted to share it.

A good friend of mine once told me that in order to forgive others you first have to forgive yourself. I acknowledged her wisdom, but as is typical with me I failed to accept emotionally what I accepted intellectually. So Iíve been focusing on others and neglecting the damage Iíve been inflicting on myself. For some time, I had a sense that I'd wasted my life; that I was worthless for not achieving or creating anything (Iím only 21, but that apparently wasnít an excuse. And the potential Iíd shown throughout my youth meant nothing either. I ignored potential for the future and focused only on impossible goals, which obviously I fell short of. I suppose I wanted to be worthless). I wasnít just failing to take care of myself, I was actively attacking myself. For instance, I would get ďflashesĒ of memory, or impressions of memory, of those times when Iíd hurt people or assumed Iíd done so, and these would cause me an almost physical pain (psychosomatic, I assume). I became afraid of my own memories, my own life. I refused to see my own capacity for humour, for insight or creativity, or that there could be value in my company, simply because they didnít match my self-concept. And I dismissed the perspective of everyone else if and when they did see these things. Then, blindly, I wondered why, despite my respect for them and desire to be with them, I kept feeling like I was mistreating other people. Evidently Iíd forgotten that ďWherever you go, there you areĒ. No wonder I felt like I was detrimental to others, because I was neglecting to respect or care for the common link that allowed me to interact with and understand these people; myself. The dark humour in all this is that I had great respect and understanding for the idea that to hurt others is to hurt yourself...but I wasnít smart enough to see that it worked the other way as well. Truly respecting others depends upon respecting yourself. Intellectually I suppose I understood all this, but, again, emotionally I couldnít.

Itís very much the case that for much of my childhood and early adolescence I was treated poorly by the people around me, but for some reason I let them define how I saw myself, and not all the people I later met who Iíve gotten along so well with. Who is mistreating me today? Nobody, other than myself. The only person out to destroy me is me. And heís wrong to do it. Iíve been preying on myself for years. For some time now, I believe Iíve been taking steps to emerge from this strange self-loathing. Some of the side-effects have been difficult for me, like learning how to be angry with other people (rather than internalizing it) and how to do so appropriately, rather than lashing out randomly. Or learning first to stop depending on praise from others, earned through my talents or aid, and then to keep pursuing those talents and helpful actions even though their original ďuseĒ was no longer in evidence. But since I was always striving to be polite and friendly (though naturally I donít always succeed), and Iíve never had any desire to hurt others, all I needed to do was be myself and be sensitive to othersí needs, which I usually am. And I realized that I was inevitably going to hurt others if I defined myself as the sort of person who did that; because sooner or later Iíd feel the need on some level to do something to justify the self-image.

I feel like I finally understand something Iíve been failing to see Ė or avoiding Ė for years. Iím still a little unsteady, so Iím taking it slowly, but Iím conscious that Iím young and most likely have a long time in which to pursue whatever I want to do. And I acknowledge that Iíve managed to achieve some reasonably admirable things already (a degree from a top university, for instance). Iíll try and take things a step at a time, rather than berating myself for not being somehow further along than I am. It doesnít change how I was treated as a boy, but I feel less and less like it defines me. I can be what I want. And what I want first of all is to live, and to be myself. And embrace the people around me.

Iím sure all of this has seemed strangely childish; after all, Iím explaining things that most people understand as self-evident. But as my signature says: ďI was blind, and I cannot say that I had eyes to see the truth. I was a fool, and I cannot say that I had sense to know the truth. I was lost, and I cannot say that I could have found the truth. In the darkness, truth found meĒ. And thatís not me attacking myself again, thatís a simple acknowledgment of my error. Yes, Iíve been very foolish.
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Old November 19 2011, 01:11 AM   #2
Professor McGonagall
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

Deranged Nasat wrote: View Post
It doesn’t change how I was treated as a boy, but I feel less and less like it defines me. I can be what I want. And what I want first of all is to live, and to be myself. And embrace the people around me.

I’m sure all of this has seemed strangely childish....
Not childish at all. You're recognizing profound things that took many of us long past twenty-one to figure out. Give yourself a pat on the back -- or a toast -- for that.
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Old November 19 2011, 07:19 AM   #3
Paradon
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

I actually felt the same way you did. I was severely emotionally abuse by my mother and molested by some guy, and I'm biopolar. When you were mistreated as a child, I think you don't really see the good side of you...the good in you. Everybody wants to be heard and matter, but it's hard when you feel iike you're garbage. There's no such thing as a bad person and you just have to wake up and see the miracle in the common everyday little thing because it is a miracle that we are here! Every thing in this universe has a purpose and reasons for being here. Without water there would no life and life couldn't exist without the sun. Without electorns, protons and nutrons there would be no atoms and no us.

Sometimes I like to deal with my unhappiness with humor. I Try not take what others say to me way too seriously and always face the truth. Sometimes the truth is kindda funny and weird, but that's the way it is, so it can't be that bad, and no matter where I am there I am. There's nothing wrong with me or how I feel. A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval and the truth is nothing to be afraid of... And With a little ignorance, I can deal with anything if i use humor. Try not to let so many worthless informations get to you. Act like kid and just laugh it off and not take it way too seriously.
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Last edited by Paradon; November 19 2011 at 07:47 AM.
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Old November 19 2011, 11:14 AM   #4
RJDementia13
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

Well, this is an anomalously positive topic for Misc.

Congrats, DN. I'm glad you're finding yourself in a better place. You deserve it-- you're a smart, funny and compassionate guy.
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Old November 19 2011, 01:10 PM   #5
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

Good. Glad you got there long before I did.
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Old November 19 2011, 02:23 PM   #6
Professor McGonagall
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

RJDiogenes wrote: View Post
Well, this is an anomalously positive topic for Misc.
Isn't that the truth?!
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Old November 19 2011, 03:20 PM   #7
Gul Re'jal
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

Be good to yourself, DN That's a good step to become happy. Being comfortable with and good to oneself can bring peace nothing else can offer. I know it made me calmer and happier.

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Old November 19 2011, 06:49 PM   #8
Yeoman Randi
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

What they said and more. Dude, you're awesome. {{{squish}}}
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Old November 20 2011, 12:54 PM   #9
Deranged Nasat
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

Thank you, all of you.
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Old November 20 2011, 01:03 PM   #10
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

You're welcome! And you're a great person! You never harm anyone or do drugs, or anything like that. You're strong that way!
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Old November 29 2011, 09:15 PM   #11
George Steinbrenner
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

Nasat, I'm glad you're happy.

I have decided that my life is also worth living. Indeed, ALL life is.

There is terrible pain in the world, I'm not denying that. Some people very close to me are in pain. I have no easy answers to help them. But there is no shame in not having the answers. All I can do - all any one of us can do - is let them know they are loved and they are not alone.

It may not seem this way, but no one is ever truly alone. There is always someone willing to help. Reminds me of an old Peanuts cartoon where Charlie Brown says that we are all put on this world to make others happy. I agree with that very much.
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Old November 30 2011, 12:15 AM   #12
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

Deranged Nasat wrote: View Post
Iím explaining things that most people understand as self-evident.
Actually, many people do not understand what you have discovered as self-evident at all. Being honest with oneself and assessing how one can improve one's life is a difficult thing to do, and it's awesome that you've managed to do this. Keep on being awesome!
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Old December 1 2011, 12:56 AM   #13
jayrath
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

This is my new all-time favorite thread.
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Old December 2 2011, 08:49 PM   #14
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

I've recently come to a similar realization . . . I have finally gotten over the bullying and teasing I endured in middleschool, and I finally feel comfortable talking to people I don't know, and I don't worry about what others think of me as much as I used to . . . it was so bad at one point in highschool that I couldn't get up the courage to go into a store to apply for a job. Now I enjoy talking to people of all sorts.
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Old December 4 2011, 01:27 AM   #15
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Re: My Life Is Worth Living!

This is sooo not childish. I took until my forties to realize that ... maybe, just maybe ... I wasn't worthless after all. I so hated myself, it's amazing I'm still alive.

I am so happy for you that you didn't take those extra decades. You've accomplished something that not everyone does. I truly admire you for your being able to do this so young.
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