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Old August 26 2012, 04:36 PM   #1
PopBoy
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Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

Brothers and families.


The point of them is what? Seriously



EDIT: This has actually ended up being a full on boring rant. Never intended. I just typed and typed and typed. Soz.


SOOO REWIND

In my family setting there were two boys. We’d keep each other smiling in our very strict upbringing (Catholic). Even our holidays were underpinned by religious dogma with __ to places like Lourdes. It was not fun but with the addition of the brother looking back it was a lot easier. For instance, we stayed over at some monastery on our trip to Morocco and after midnight mass we’d sneak out to find out where the nearest gay discos were in Casablanca. I was 15 and he was 17 and we wanted a passionate boogie on the dancefloor – afterall it was our summer holiday!

So I suppose you could say we were thick as thieves for a time. He’d defend me in school, get me Kylie and Janet cassettes and hide them whenever our mother decided to “cleanse” our bedrooms. Initially it was a relief to have a gay brother as I could confide in him my secrets and feelings which naturally I was deeply ashamed about thanks to our good ole Catholic upbringing. Everything I was experiencing growing up, he’d already been there and done that. Even down to the incredibly fundamental rite of passage of getting your first gay magazine and sex toy. This was the sort of advice I could never ask the parents.

So after some time I decided to come out to my family. I was out at university and was living a pretty damn fabulous gay life surrounded by incredibly good friends. Financially I was supported by my family. I knew my parents would immediately withdraw this funding but I thought I’d have the love and support of my brother. I didn't expect him to come out but I thought perhaps especially as the parents had begun subtlety arranging and co-coordinating a future marriage for him (like it was 17th Century!). Not surprisingly as my mother turned the furnace up on my brothers engagement, we decided to go it alone, leave em and made an agreement that we would come out together and move into a nice humble flatshare in central London. Do a runner essentially. Dramatic to be sure but I think we were both incredibly scared of getting married to people we didn't love, were attracted to remotely knew.

Soooooo I came out. Over dinner. I recall potatoes and fish were served. And, a whole lot of silence from my brother. I was removed from the house in less than three hours. I stayed with friends – an immense pillar of support for me from then on. I was called randomly a week later by the family lawyer thinking maybe an olive branch was being planted by my brother who, I’d hoped, soothed my parents anger. Instead, I was given a stipend to live on the condition that took a different surname, relinquished my right to any family assets and wills and was not allowed to make any contact with them. The co-creator of this “contract” was my brother. Ha!

Where is this going? This little message has become a full-on rant/therapy post. Initially it was just a side-bar comment on family. Bleurgh. Sorry. I’ve had far too much vodka and its his birthday today. I miss his embrace and the laughs we used to have. I don't understand brothers and family.
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Old August 26 2012, 06:48 PM   #2
RoJoHen
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

I'm sorry, but I can't even fathom a family as strict and unsupportive as yours. Your brother likely acted out of fear. It's not an excuse, but that would be my guess.
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Old August 26 2012, 06:51 PM   #3
1001001
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

That is a terrible, terrible story. I'm very sorry you had to go through that.

I cannot fathom a situation where I would turn my back on my children like that. I love them no matter what.

Every time I hear a story like this, it breaks my heart.
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Old August 26 2012, 07:41 PM   #4
shivkala
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

I'm really sorry to hear that [b]Popboy[/i]. I agree that your brother is most likely acting out of fear. I hope he'll eventually come around, but it'll be up to you at that point to decide if you want him in your life after what he was a part of.
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Old August 26 2012, 07:50 PM   #5
iguana_tonante
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

PopBoy wrote: View Post
Instead, I was given a stipend to live on the condition that took a different surname, relinquished my right to any family assets and wills and was not allowed to make any contact with them.
I hope you didn't accept.
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Old August 26 2012, 08:28 PM   #6
Avon
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

if your bro is going be a douche, be one back and out him. not cool i know but fuck em.
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Old August 26 2012, 08:49 PM   #7
ryan123450
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

I'm Catholic and can't possibly imagine acting the way your family has. Don't blame their religion, just blame their incredibly horrible personal choices. It's not as if there is a line in the Catechism which says..."If thou Son comest out, makest him change hist name and never speakest to him forthwith."
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Old August 26 2012, 09:04 PM   #8
PopBoy
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

1001001 wrote: View Post
That is a terrible, terrible story. I'm very sorry you had to go through that.

I cannot fathom a situation where I would turn my back on my children like that. I love them no matter what.

Every time I hear a story like this, it breaks my heart.
I am okay now. Still get dodgy when i touch the drink. First of all, sorry people of trekbbs. Gosh. Not feeling great today. Anyway. You are a great parent. Your kids. They're lucky.

iguana_tonante wrote: View Post
PopBoy wrote: View Post
Instead, I was given a stipend to live on the condition that took a different surname, relinquished my right to any family assets and wills and was not allowed to make any contact with them.
I hope you didn't accept.
I had to sign it. It wasn't really about accepting. Rather just doing what they told me to do. I dont regret signing. Though i must admit i do wish i'd walked out there and then. And never looked back. I actually was in shock when the solicitor read out the terms.

junxon wrote: View Post
if your bro is going be a douche, be one back and out him. not cool i know but fuck em.
Well....we do have mutual friends/acquaintances and i am aware he's still going with guys...cos he is gay. Despite having children which i heard on the grapevine. He is a major douche as you say. I'd use another word but its too red. I just wanna hug him and tell him I love him so much and there is nothing to be ashamed about. I am doing okay. I'd also love to hug my dad. I miss him so much.
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Old August 27 2012, 12:20 AM   #9
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

I grieve with you, PopBoy. Estrangement is painful under any circumstances, all the more so when it's one-sided and undeserved. So much of our identity builds on where we stand in regards to others; in imposing such restrictive controls, then cutting you off as they have, your parents have twice tried to deny you that which is natural to us - the pursuit of self-identity. To grow into the individual you are drawn to becoming, and making a place for yourself in relation to others. It's hard to find one's place in the world when others are playing a zero-sum game, but I have faith that you'll find the way.

In trying to say something useful regarding your brother, or at least supportive, I can only suggest that whatever his actions (or lack of) have sundered or seemed to destroy, he might not be as far from you in spirit as it seems. As the others have said, fear makes people do shameful things, and fear of disappointing family, of losing the protection and love of one's parents, is near-overpowering. I couldn't truly comprehend the position your brother has found himself in, nor what he meant to you and in turn what his current silence does to you. But from your evident concern for your mutual bond, however it now stands, I do believe there is hope, for eventual understanding if nothing more.

And please, never apologise for sharing your honest feelings with us. It's gratifying that you'd choose to do so.
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Old August 27 2012, 09:46 AM   #10
RJDiogenes
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

Some days I wonder what decade it is. Other days I wonder what century it is. I'm very sorry to hear all this, PopBoy. I hope your brother grows a backbone before it is too late for all concerned. As Don Henley would say, there are only so many Springs and so many Summers.
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Old August 27 2012, 10:05 AM   #11
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

I just want to say your topic title makes no sense.
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Old August 27 2012, 11:43 AM   #12
Scout101
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

So, your gay brother had you sign something giving up all your rights to family assets (AND change your name?) because you're gay?

Nice that he didn't out himself, AND he now has sole claim on everything.

TIme to out him to your parents, and then either you get your half back, or he loses his. That's BS.
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Old August 27 2012, 12:01 PM   #13
teacake
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

I don't get why you signed it.
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Old August 27 2012, 12:18 PM   #14
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

I'm very sorry that you had to go through this, Popboy. I wish I had some kernel of life-experience wisdom to offer on the situation, but fortunately for me I never had to live through anything like that. (And I do realise I'm fortunate in that regard - I'm fully aware i had it a lot easier than a lot of people, and I'm grateful for that.)

Aside - I hope that didn't come off as smug, it wasn't meant to. It was meant to be me admitting that I can't empathise with what you've been through, so I'm not going to lie and pretend I can. I can certainly sympathise though.

I would agree with the others that your brother acted out of fear. When you came out, it terrified him to the extent that he felt he had to cover his tracks all the more fiercely. And I dare say there might even be some punishment for you in his motivations - that you dared to do that which he didn't, well I imagine he simply couldn't handle that.

(Insert standard anti-religion rant here.)

The best I can offer is that you should know that you did nothing wrong. This bad situation is all on your family and your brother. They are at fault, and you are not responsible for their decisions or their choices. They have chosen to cut you free from their shackles. Think of that as a good thing. You can now live a life free of their expectations and inhibitions.

.
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Old August 27 2012, 04:46 PM   #15
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Re: Brothers...actually families. The point is? What is the point?

I'm sorry you had to go through this.I wish you all the best.
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