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Fan Productions Creating our own Trek canon!

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Old March 24 2012, 06:26 AM   #46
Ryan Thomas Riddle
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

GSchnitzer wrote: View Post
We posted the opening teaser for "Kitumba" (until we capriciously remove it again):

While it's good to see that this episode doesn't open with yet another space battle as the hook, there's not enough dramatic tension to reel the audience in. Which isn't just a flaw with this teaser but also a huge flaw in John Meredyth Lucas' writer's work draft (not the same as a story draft) of the Part One script.

Lucas' script suffers from a prolonged dialogue exchange in the transporter room that lasts nearly 15 pages! Mostly, the scene is one extended exposition drop. In fact, Lucas' script doesn't open with the standard teaser open and just jumps right into act one.

So I can see where the PHASE II folks had a difficult time trying to truncate the material into a hook that would snare the audience's attention. I have to applaud them their effort. That being said, they missed an opportunity to create a much more dynamic and exciting teaser that would leave the audience guessing all the way to the reveal of Ksia.

A friend and I, both of us having read Lucas' Part One script, were taking about what would've made it much more dynamic. We came up keeping the ruse of a medical emergency that was in Lucas' script. Rather than dissecting both the original script opening and PHASE II's teaser, I thought I would post what we came up with as an example of creating a more tense, dramatic opening that doesn't need a captain's log or a transporter room filled with too many characters.

Note: BBS code doesn't easily allow for the precise translation of proper script format. I have done my best to approximate what you would find in say Final Draft.

Star Trek: Phase II
"Kitumba"
Teaser

FADE IN:

EXT. SPACE — ENTERPRISE (VFX)

as the great starship hurtles by, its speed enormous, closing in on an older STAR FLEET MEDICAL FRIGATE.

REVERSE ANGLE

as the two ships met, neither one slowing its pace. CAMERA PUSHES in as we …

HARD CUT TO:

INT. ENTERPRISE — CORRIDOR — TIGHT ANGLE

as McCOY rushes down the hall in a MEDICAL PROTECTIVE SUIT, helmet in his hands. OVER THIS:

UHURA'S COM VOICE (filtered)
This is the bridge. Clear all corridors on decks 6 and 7, sections 12 to 17. Sick Bay, stand by with radiation gear.

ANOTHER ANGLE

tracking McCoy, putting on his helmet, as he nears the doors to the TRANSPORTER ROOM, which snap open and a STAR FLEET DOCTOR (female) in the same protective suit as McCoy rushes out. Her helmet firmly in place. Two orderlies, also in protective gear, push a COFFIN-LIKE STASIS BOX, big enough to hold a man, with ANTIGRAV HANDLES.

They all don't stop and continue hurriedly down the corridor.

CLOSE — McCOY and the DOCTOR

DOCTOR

Is the isolation ward ready, Dr. McCoy?

MCCOY

As per your specifications. But it's a damned fool that risks a high-warp beam over … doctor?

DOCTOR
No time for formalities. You sure everything's set … full isolation? This means only you, your top nurse, and the Captain may be allowed in that section.

MCCOY
I get the seriousness of the patient's condition and the risk of contamination. But even with these precautions, it'll be a struggle to keep him alive long enough to get him home.

DOCTOR
That's why we need a starship. The Salk's a good ship, but she's not as fast as the Enterprise.

With that they reach a TURBO-LIFT … as the doors open, they all begin to pile in. The orderlies carefully lifting the stasis box without effort so that it fits into the lift. As the doors close, we hear …

UHURA'S COM VOICE (filtered)

Repeat. This is the bridge. Clear all corridors on decks 6 and 7, sections 12 to 17 … Clear all corridors on decks 6 and 7, sections 12 to 17.

Off Uhura's voice, we go to ...

EXT. SPACE — ENTERPRISE AND SALK (VFX)

Transition shot, showing the two ships still speeding through space ...

INT. ENTERPRISE — CORRIDOR

ANGLE — FAVORING TURBO-LIFT DOORS

as they snap open and KIRK bolts out, shoving through a throng of crewmen clearing out the corridor.

KIRK
Make a hole! Coming through!

The crew parts like the Red Sea as Kirk turns the corner …

ANOTHER ANGLE — CORRIDOR — OUTSIDE ISOLATION WARD

Kirk running through a cleared section. He comes to a stop before the closed doors of the isolation ward. An orderly (one of the two that carried the stasis box) at the door, holding a protective suit in his hands.

KIRK

Radiation suit …

As the orderly hands it to Kirk, the doors part …

DOCTOR (o.c.)
That won't be necessary, Captain. Come in, please.

Kirk waits a BEAT. Then, leaves the suit with the orderly and enters the …

INT. ENTERPRISE — ISOLATION WARD

(Redress of Sick Bay set) The stasis box is in the middle of the room with McCoy bent over taking readings with his tricorder. He shoots up from what he's doing as the doors shut behind Kirk.

McCOY
(to the doctor)
Not necessary?! Are you mad?
(to Kirk)
Jim, you're putting your life in danger.

CLOSE — DOCTOR

DOCTOR
(starts removing helmet)
He's not. Open it.

With her helmet off, we can finally see that the Doctor is in her forties, strikingly attractive without being pretty. Kirk recognizes her immediately.

ANGLE — FAVORING KIRK AND McCOY

KIRK
(to the Doctor)
Good to see you again, "doctor".
(to McCoy)
Do it, Bones.

McCOY
(firmly)
Jim, the radiation … we open that thing and we're all at risk.

KIRK
The "doctor" knows what she's doing. Do it.

With a heavy sigh, McCoy does as Kirk orders. He fiddles with a panel at the foot of the box, and it begins to pop open. We hear a HISS and see a release of GAS.

CAMERA PANS alongside the box as the lid lifts open, like a coffin lid, slowly revealing a figure in some sort of military uniform that we can't fully make out, but is somewhat familiar. However, we can see that he is fully armed.

As the lid fully opens, the figure sits up, revealing a KLINGON smiling ruefully. And with that we …

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER
18 words of script description came from Lucas. The rest is mostly based on the set up that Lucas had in his script, which I thought was a wonderful opportunity to create an opening that moved and kept the audience guessing with not one but two reveals at the end. A mysterious "doctor" and a Klingon that would have the audience guessing, "who are they?" and "why are they on the ENTERPRISE?"

Also, having the McCoy and Kirk rushing through the corridor gives movement to the teaser, keeps things in motion. It also matches the ships racing to meet each other then keeping pace with one another.

While I know that PHASE II has a limited corridor set, they've done some good camera work to make it seem like they have endless corridors, such as in "Blood and Fire" and WEaT. So I think they'd be up for the challenge of shooting a scene with characters rushing through the corridors.

Act one would then open with a brief Captain's Log explaining the Enterprise speeding near the Klingon Boarder, start as we left off in the teaser with the "doctor" being introduced as Admiral Li (from Lucas' original). Keep the scene limited to Kirk, Li, Ksia and McCoy at the top of act one. I'd probably trim the dialogue as well to keep the pace, but still give the viewer enough information that war is imminent, and that the ship has to take a risky mission deep to Qo'noS (or the Sacred Planet as in the original script).

This way everything is more cloak and dagger than the PHASE II teaser where Kirk, Spock and McCoy discuss the "urgent, cryptic orders have mysterious diverted the ENTERPRISE" in the corridor, then walk into an exposition scene in the transporter room before the reveal of Ksia beaming aboard.


I know that the audio in the teaser is a temp, but there is a redundancy quirk in the dialogue that can be easily fixed in another edit. Before the triumvirate walks into the transporter room, Kirk says, "Gentleman, let's get some answers." Then before he order Scotty to beam the Admiral and his party aboard, he says, "Let's get some answers, gentleman."
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Last edited by Ryan Thomas Riddle; March 24 2012 at 07:34 AM.
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Old March 24 2012, 02:30 PM   #47
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

Barbreader wrote: View Post
Danlav05, I'll be delighted if Phase II makes 22-26 episodes, that is, ONE season. The only real way I can see more happening would be if CBS decides this would be a better thing to run on Saturday or Friday nights than reruns or game shows. (I refuse to dignify reality shows with being 'better' than Phase II on ANY level).
I believe that's the plan - the final episode with Kirk and crew arriving at spacedock to see their new uniforms - and not liking them!

To me this is canon, I banged on earlier about the 'fill the gap' stuff, and possibly my favourite series - yes we have to wait one maybe two years for each episode, but when we get it it is absolutely brilliant!
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Old March 25 2012, 05:23 AM   #48
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

[QUOTE=GSchnitzer;6053707]
nightwind1;6052978You could have at least named him Admiral Buck Sheehan. :lol:[/QUOTE wrote:

Yes--if we wanted to look like fanboy wankers.

(Gil selected the name; he's a big fan of Marine Corps General Jack Sheehan.)
I am sorry, Greg: you are dead-on wrong here.

Admiral "John 'Jack' Sheehan" was named by me after a Marine corps Private 1st Class that quit high school to serve in Okinowa during WWII, then went on to run a building of the Monsanto chemical company for many, many years. He was so respected by his former Marine comrades that the man's funeral needed to be held over a day to accomodate them all flying in from across the country. (which was a surprise to his family.)

Gil didn't "give a crap" what the character's name was, but signed my script "I hope I did him justice".
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Old March 25 2012, 05:31 AM   #49
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

What's with the earlier stardate in this episode?
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Old March 25 2012, 03:57 PM   #50
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

[QUOTE=andriech;6067081]
GSchnitzer wrote: View Post
nightwind1;6052978You could have at least named him Admiral Buck Sheehan. :lol:[/QUOTE wrote:

Yes--if we wanted to look like fanboy wankers.

(Gil selected the name; he's a big fan of Marine Corps General Jack Sheehan.)
I am sorry, Greg: you are dead-on wrong here.

Admiral "John 'Jack' Sheehan" was named by me after a Marine corps Private 1st Class that quit high school to serve in Okinowa during WWII, then went on to run a building of the Monsanto chemical company for many, many years. He was so respected by his former Marine comrades that the man's funeral needed to be held over a day to accomodate them all flying in from across the country. (which was a surprise to his family.)

Gil didn't "give a crap" what the character's name was, but signed my script "I hope I did him justice".
Crap! I'm sorry Patty; I thought the name was Gil's call.

So your John "Jack" Sheehan is not Marine Corps General John "Jack" Sheehan (who is still currently alive)? You are talking about another respected Marine (who is now deceased)?
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Last edited by GSchnitzer; March 25 2012 at 04:13 PM.
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Old March 25 2012, 04:03 PM   #51
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

USS Excelsior wrote: View Post
What's with the earlier stardate in this episode?
It's sort of like the animated Star Trek episode--"The Magicks of Megas-Tu"--which took place on Stardate 1254.4. Stardates jump around--depending upon where you are in the galaxy.
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Old March 26 2012, 04:07 AM   #52
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

[QUOTE=GSchnitzer;6068410]
andriech wrote: View Post

Crap! I'm sorry Patty; I thought the name was Gil's call.

So your John "Jack" Sheehan is not Marine Corps General John "Jack" Sheehan (who is still currently alive)? You are talking about another respected Marine (who is now deceased)?
'tis alright, Greg: you weren't on set for the discussion and it's an easily made mistake. Yes, Greg. John J. Sheehan, Jr was born March 28, 1926 and died April 23, 1989. (Oddly enough, he was also from MA). I believe "Jack" came from his Marine buddies calling him "Blackjack"... but it also could be they called him that after another WWII "Blackjack" - I don't remember exactly. He was my father.


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Old March 30 2012, 10:19 PM   #53
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

What Connie was orbiting the station? I was curious and never got a response on the fb page.
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Old March 30 2012, 10:31 PM   #54
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

fleetcaptain wrote: View Post
What Connie was orbiting the station? I was curious and never got a response on the fb page.
It's not scripted and it's below the level of resolution on screen. So there's no way to know; it's anyone's conjecture.
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Old March 31 2012, 03:13 AM   #55
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

I wonder if the VFX guys would know?
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Old March 31 2012, 11:37 AM   #56
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Re: STAR TREK: PHASE II "Kitumba" Sneak Peek

Sure - we did a lot of shots of the three ships circling K7, some where you can very clearly see those ships - but not all will probably end up in the final cut, nevertheless it was just fun to set them up.

The other connie is the NCC-1700 Constitution and the destrover is the NCC-500 Saladin.
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