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Old October 26 2011, 10:11 PM   #1
HighteeHeller
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My Best Friends Ex-husband

So, I started dating my best friends ex-husband about 6 weeks ago. They've been divorced for two years, she's on her second bf, the first one she left her husband for. They were highschool sweethearts, together for 20 yrs. No love left, though they get along very well.

The ex flirted with me a bit last year, during our sons hockey season, and when she noticed suggested i go for it, but at the time i was unavailable, so didn't think anything of it.

I was the one that suggested the first date, and even before we went out i told her about it. I asked how she would feel if i dated him, and at the time she was ok with it. After our second date she said she had become uncomfortable with it, but we had hit it off so well that i didn't really want to stop seeing him. We had our third date, and it was, again, amazing, but she had started to become unglued about the situation, so i told him that i could no longer keep seeing him.

He was very understanding(though didn't understand) and we backed off for a few days. Unfortunately we had, by this time, already created a bond, had started co-coaching our sons hockey team, and there was no way to avoid each other. Nor did we really want to.

Again, i was upfront with her. Let her know that i didn't feel like we were doing anything wrong, and that anything she was feeling was something she was going to have to learn to deal with. That i'd give her space, and that i was there for her when she was ready to talk.

She has come around somewhat. Shared more over the last couple weeks, invited me out, that sort of thing. And that's great, but...

We've decided to move in together. Before you say we are moving too fast, i will say it for you. We are moving very fast. The thing is, we haven't actually spent a night apart in over a month. And we love it. It has been so amazing. We are compatible in every way. Blah blah blah.

My kids already know hes moving in. They are on board. My ex knows(its been 4 yrs since we split up). He's had some strange belief that we would get back together, so he's not too happy about this, but whatev. He'll get over it(we are very close still).

He isn't moving in until the end of November. So my question is(if you've read this far), how and when should we tell her?
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Old October 26 2011, 10:17 PM   #2
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

I think she lost the right to an opinion on his love life when she left him so it doesn't matter how you tell her.

Maybe tell her the same way she told him she was leaving him for another man. If it was over dinner, do it over dinner. If it was in a fight, start a fight. Ok, so maybe I'm being a little unfeeling.
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Old October 26 2011, 10:27 PM   #3
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

^^ This... While the subject of moving along too quickly is, itself, a completely different issue, the fact that his and your ex spouses are having trouble dealing with this is THEIR problem.. You and your BF cannot be held accountible for how your exs react. Their behavior is their issue.

You were initially encouraged by your friend to persue her ex.. The fact that she now has issues isn't your fault.. The bigger problem is your ex.. Yes, it's been four years, but by your own admission, you're still close, which has probably perpetuated his belief that there was a chance you'll get back together. Hopefully he'll get the 411 once your BF moves in..

Now to the actual question... Do NOT tell her together.. One or the other needs to do this, one on one... She is your best friend, and guys can be wishy-washy about this kind of crap (being one, I know first hand), it will probably be left to you... If you do this together, she is going to feel horribly vulnerable and ganged up upon.

I would also suggest that drinks not be a part of this and this should be in person, if you truely care about not creating a ruckus over this.. Email/phone call or (god forbid) a text would be incredibly insensitive. Yes, they split up, and yes, she encouraged you two to date, initially, but this is going to hurt her, no matter what.. If you value keeping her as a friend, be sensitive to that.
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Old October 27 2011, 12:33 AM   #4
auntiehill
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

I agree. She gave the initial OK, so even though she's had a change of heart, it's really still HER problem. If you want to keep her as your friend, you should tell alone, just the two of you (leave him out of it) and the sooner, the better. The longer she has to get used to it, the easier it will be when it happens.

Just be prepared for the possibility that she many freak the f**k out and not talk to you for awhile---or ever again, as the case may be.
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Old October 27 2011, 12:38 AM   #5
Robert Maxwell
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

I agree with the others. Tell her whenever you want, but it's really none of her concern and her opinion of it is irrelevant.
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Old October 27 2011, 12:54 AM   #6
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

If you're telling your other good friends you may as well tell her. If not, not.
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Old October 27 2011, 01:59 AM   #7
Kestra
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

Tell her right now. Don't expect her to be okay with it. Be kind when you tell her, but move in with him and don't feel guilty about being happy about it.
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Old October 27 2011, 06:48 AM   #8
Danoz
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

Kreepy Kes wrote: View Post
Tell her right now. Don't expect her to be okay with it. Be kind when you tell her, but move in with him and don't feel guilty about being happy about it.
This exactly. Some people here are taking the "who cares what she thinks" advice, but clearly you do, and you want to tread carefully; there's nothing wrong with that. She did give her blessing, you've chatted about it-- and if anything she's been mature about it to this point. She may respond negatively, but I recommend being patient with her and just telling her how strongly you feel about it-- but that you'd also hate for anything to come between you as friends. It sounds like she's a good friend, so I think she'll come around.

And yes, way too fast for moving in. I always tell friends they should be out of the honeymoon phase (and have actually had serious arguments) before they move-in. That's not to say it can't work out for you guys. If I were your friend, I'd be less concerned about my feelings on the issue and more concerned about that! Good luck!
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Old October 27 2011, 12:06 PM   #9
Sean Aaron
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

Guartho wrote: View Post
I think she lost the right to an opinion on his love life when she left him so it doesn't matter how you tell her.
Pretty much my feeling. I think love outweighs friendship in this case and it would be unfair of her to object in any way since both you and he are people living separate lives from her.

I do agree with Kestra that you can be polite about it, but be prepared to lose the friendship; even if only temporarily.

Danoz wrote: View Post
And yes, way too fast for moving in. I always tell friends they should be out of the honeymoon phase (and have actually had serious arguments) before they move-in. That's not to say it can't work out for you guys. If I were your friend, I'd be less concerned about my feelings on the issue and more concerned about that! Good luck!
I've done faster move-ins and yeah, it wasn't a good idea, but I don't think it's impossible for it to work. I'd think it would be more fair for both parties to abandon their present dwellings to have a new home together, though that might not be financially viable. Having the person doing the moving feel like the place is also theirs would be the biggest issue; money will be the other one.

In my present relationship it's an option, but not one I'm willing to undertake due to the possible effect it could have on my relationship with my daughter - not that she would be opposed, but I would be too far away to spend as much time with her as I do right now. It's not been an issue so far and I'm prepared to have the odd holiday and a couple of nights a week for years if she is. If not, it's just one for the memories.
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Old October 27 2011, 02:48 PM   #10
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

Danoz wrote: View Post

And yes, way too fast for moving in. I always tell friends they should be out of the honeymoon phase (and have actually had serious arguments) before they move-in. That's not to say it can't work out for you guys. If I were your friend, I'd be less concerned about my feelings on the issue and more concerned about that! Good luck!
Not to say that the OP isn't moving too fast, but I never got over the 'honeymoon' phase with my fiancee and we moved in a year after we started dating. I still don't think that the honeymoon phase has ended as we haven't had a 'serious argument' yet. We've had arguments, but we have resolved them all and haven't gotten angry at each other.
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Old October 27 2011, 03:35 PM   #11
SmoothieX
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

This is exactly the sort of juicy love triangle (or is it a hexagon here?) that winds up in a murder-suicide.
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Old October 27 2011, 03:40 PM   #12
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

Voice of God wrote: View Post
I agree with the others. Tell her whenever you want, but it's really none of her concern and her opinion of it is irrelevant.
Exactly.

Other than that, let me be the first one to suggest a healthy threesome.
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Old October 27 2011, 03:44 PM   #13
Satyrquaze
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

I agree with Guartho and marillon; I could not have expressed it better.
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Old October 27 2011, 03:57 PM   #14
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

I'm sure no bad will come of this.
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Old October 27 2011, 04:22 PM   #15
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Re: My Best Friends Ex-husband

Be up front with her, and make sure she's the first of your friends who knows about it. If you tell her now, a month before the move, she'll have some time to adjust to the idea. But if she learns it from someone other than you, I expect you'd have to kiss the friendship goodbye.
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