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Old May 25 2011, 07:47 AM   #1
HAL.9000
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Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

OK, so we get these good looking women in the TV/Film series portraying Vulcans, and we also have humans in personal relationships with them. But if we were to take the Star Trek world and move it into our reality this is what you have:

1. Emotionless
As humans we like to interact with each other's emotions. Guys like to make their girls laugh, smile, get aroused...so on. With a Vulcan chicks no such thing would happen. The only thing that gets her off is "logic" and even then, she wont get off the way you would like her to. Having a "good time" with your Vulcan girlfriend would take on a whole new meaning...and I doubt you would enjoy it. Porn for her would be watching a chess game. Think about that.

2. Physical
Yes the movies have Vulcan women with red lipstick on, and rosy cheeks, but such is not the case. With green blood what you would have is a yellowish green hue to your skin. The inside of your eyelids would be green. The inside of your mouth would be green. The whites of your eyes would be slightly green. Bloodshot eyes for a Vulcan would be green. In fact, all parts "pink" in human anatomy will be green in a Vulcan's anatomy. Think about that fellas especially when you ponder certain "pink" parts of the female human anatomy which we tend to enjoy.

3. Sex
OK Vulcans have Pon Farr. Which means female Vulcans have evolved to provide very little sex since the Vulcan male libido seems to fire off every 7 years. Get ready for that "it is not logical" argument every time you want to have sex with her simply because (7 years) versus (every day or week) just wont work with her. Besides, I've heard rumors that Vulcan females have sideways vaginas.
(I kid...I kid)

4. Marriage
Dont even try to man-handle her because she will kick your ass due to her superior strength. Forget about lying as well. She will be mind-melding with you while you sleep and learn the password to your email, facebook and bank account...and if you have another woman on the side, your goose is cooked as well when she learns why you came home late the other night. Also consider this: Vulcan mother-in-law.

5. Lifespan
Eventually you will get tired of her ass and wonder when this bitch will die. She wont...not in your lifetime anyway. Vulcans live for a very loooong time. She will most definitely outlive you and collect on your life insurance when you die of sheer boredom and a severe case of blue-balls from living with this woman.

So tell me again why you would want a Vulcan girlfriend?

--------------------------

In my next essay I will discuss why Klingons make terrible mates for humans. I will start off with:

1. They smell funny and have bad teeth.

...to be continued.

(well, not really continued...I'm just having some fun with you guys.)
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Old May 25 2011, 08:08 AM   #2
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

Good stuff.

But you forgot the most important one - they usually have bowl cuts. I don't like my womangs looking like Ringo Star.

But here's an advantage - They age slower. No need to worry about your woman looking like a hag. Wasn't T'Pol like 60 or something? Don't you wish your wife would still look like that at 60?

And emotionless? That could be a plus too! No need to worry about PMS, except for once every 7 years when she turns into a loon, in which case she just wants some rough lovin'! A fair tradeoff to me.

And the colour wouldn't be so bad. There's plenty of colour variation in humans, and I would expect the green tinge would only be minor, just as the pink tinge is in humans. And we know their hygiene is much better than ours, so it's not like the green is fungus or anything.
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Old May 25 2011, 09:02 AM   #3
Admiral Shran
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

Why I would want a Vulcan girlfriend....

1.) Emotionless

I wouldn't have to deal with all of the bullshit.

2.) Physical

I don't have to worry about "protecting" her. If a mugger tries to jump us, I'll just hide behind her and watch his ass get kicked six ways from Sunday.

3.) Sex
They can have sex more than once every seven years; it's just that they HAVE to have it then. And I bet that once-every-seven-years sex is one wild ride.

4.) Marriage
Think about this.... When I'm 70, she'll still look like she's in her late 20s. SCORE!

5.) Lifespan
I can wait until I'm at death's door to spread my seed, die and she'll be stuck doing the hard work of actually raising the kids.
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Old May 25 2011, 09:52 AM   #4
HAL.9000
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.


Great replies!!!

Thanks, I needed that.
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Old May 25 2011, 09:58 AM   #5
Paradon
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

I wouldn't have sex with aliens, ever! [laugh]
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Old May 25 2011, 01:00 PM   #6
Forbin
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

Sounds like a Vulcan woman would be right up Branon Braga's alley!
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Old May 25 2011, 01:07 PM   #7
Gov Kodos
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

Admiral Shran wrote: View Post
Why I would want a Vulcan girlfriend....

1.) Emotionless

I wouldn't have to deal with all of the bullshit.

2.) Physical

I don't have to worry about "protecting" her. If a mugger tries to jump us, I'll just hide behind her and watch his ass get kicked six ways from Sunday.

3.) Sex
They can have sex more than once every seven years; it's just that they HAVE to have it then. And I bet that once-every-seven-years sex is one wild ride.

4.) Marriage
Think about this.... When I'm 70, she'll still look like she's in her late 20s. SCORE!

5.) Lifespan
I can wait until I'm at death's door to spread my seed, die and she'll be stuck doing the hard work of actually raising the kids.
Brilliant I would have loved for Amok Time to have ended with Kirk getting in a lucky hit and knocking Spock out. That followed by Kirk calling for beam up with his new Vulcan bride. The look on little miss only 3 possibilities face would have been precious. Like Kirk would turn up a chance at a hot alien babe. Heck, this just might be the narration in Kirk's mind.
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Old May 25 2011, 02:42 PM   #8
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

Admiral Shran wrote: View Post
Why I would want a Vulcan girlfriend....

1.) Emotionless

I wouldn't have to deal with all of the bullshit.

2.) Physical

I don't have to worry about "protecting" her. If a mugger tries to jump us, I'll just hide behind her and watch his ass get kicked six ways from Sunday.

3.) Sex
They can have sex more than once every seven years; it's just that they HAVE to have it then. And I bet that once-every-seven-years sex is one wild ride.

4.) Marriage
Think about this.... When I'm 70, she'll still look like she's in her late 20s. SCORE!

5.) Lifespan
I can wait until I'm at death's door to spread my seed, die and she'll be stuck doing the hard work of actually raising the kids.
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Old May 25 2011, 02:45 PM   #9
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

You know, I feel as though when an bond like that is formed between someone and a Vulcan, the Vulcan becomes a little bit more vulnerable. I mean... I think that's what happened with Trip and T'Pol. PS> Loved that pairing. I don't know why people don't.
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Old May 25 2011, 03:55 PM   #10
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

I think it would be very easy to make a logical argument for having sex based on the physiology of the human male.
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Old May 25 2011, 04:00 PM   #11
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

sojourner wrote: View Post
I think it would be very easy to make a logical argument for having sex based on the physiology of the human male.
Now getting her to go down on you will really make you hone those logic skills.
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Old May 25 2011, 04:04 PM   #12
The_Baron
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

Yep, very easy.

"We have to have sex now!"
"Why?"
"My trousers are too tight! Logic says its the only way!"

One of the best things about having a Vulcan missus is that quiet contemplative meditation thing they do. She might actually shut up while I'm watching the telly, unlike my other half.....
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Old May 25 2011, 04:22 PM   #13
HAL.9000
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

The_Baron wrote: View Post
Yep, very easy.

"We have to have sex now!"
"Why?"
"My trousers are too tight! Logic says its the only way!"

One of the best things about having a Vulcan missus is that quiet contemplative meditation thing they do. She might actually shut up while I'm watching the telly, unlike my other half.....


I have to admit, as much as I like to beleive we are all different, we all (especially men) seem to share the same stories regardless of where we live on the globe.
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Old May 25 2011, 04:54 PM   #14
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

Bear in mind.. that humans have a distinctive odor that Vulcans find slightly repulsive.
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Old May 25 2011, 05:06 PM   #15
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Re: Why I would not want a Vulcan girlfriend.

sojourner wrote: View Post
I think it would be very easy to make a logical argument for having sex based on the physiology of the human male.
Vulcan girlfriend: "You must have sex now or... what? That is illogical. Your blood is iron-based. How could they be BLUE?"
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