Short Attention Span Theater

[JiNX-01]

I'm borrowing this idea from another Trek forum I belong to.

This Ain't The Valentine

Opening teaser: NX-01 Bridge
Ensign Sato: The captain is so humble. He won't even take credit for founding the Federation.
Ensign Mayweather: Yeah, humble.
Lt. Reed: That's enough out of you, Mr. Mayweather!
Surgeon General Phlox (over the comm): I heard he isn't even taking credit for writing his speech!
Riker: This is bull****. I'm outta here.

NX-01 Bridge: CAPTAIN Archer enters.
Ensign Sato: Captain, you're being hailed.
Capt. Archer: I TOLD you I'm not taking credit for founding the Federation!
Ensign Sato: Sir, it's Admiral Shran. He wants to meet with you.
Capt. Archer: He's an admiral?!
Ensign Sato: He was promoted years ago.

NX-01: Ready room.
Capt. Archer: Shran, I thought you were dead!
Admiral Shran: NOT. DEAD. Just hiding. My daughter has been kidnapped by my former partners in crime. They think I've stolen the Jewel of the Nile.
Capt. Archer: We'll use the protein resequencer to make a phony jewel and trade it for your daughter.
Admiral Shran: That's it? That's the entire plot? For a series finale?!! I wanna talk to Braga!
Commodore Troi: No, that's not the entire plot. After you save your kid, Trip will kill himself trying to save Captain Archer.
Admiral Shran: Just Archer? Shouldn't he at least be saving the ship or a planet or an orphan trapped in a burning building? I wanna see Braga!
Lt. Porthos: Braga's working on "Threshold."

Rigil Kent X: Cantina
Chief Petty Officer Jahmel: Daddy! You came to save me!
Admiral Shran: I want you to go with the nice Vulcan lady.
Kidnapper: It's faaaaake!!!!
Archer (from catwalk): Set weapons on stun. FIRE! (Lots of shooting). We won't see them again! Now I have to get back to my speech.

NCC-1701-D
Riker (viewing pictures of dead Pegasus crew): I'm so sad. My friends are dead. And Supreme Ruler Pressman is forcing me to lie to my captain, because I don't have any Free Will. Hee. No pun intended. ... So, Deana, you up for dinner?
Commodore Troi: I'm dating Reg and he's the jealous type.
Riker: I thought you were dating Worf.
Troi: Nope, Barclay ran him off.

Ship's Mess Hall:
Captain Archer: To The Next Generation. If it hadn't been for the incredible success of that series, we wouldn't be here.
Commander Tucker: That's true. We be in a finale written for us.
(Over the comm): Reed alert! Reed alert! All security personnel and MACOs are confined to quarters!
Captain Archer: Guess we'll have to handle this one. Hope I have time to rehearse my speech!
Commander Tucker: Shall we stop by the armory?
Captain Archer: Nah. We can handle it.

Sickbay:
Surgeon General Phlox: His lungs have been completely cooked.
Captain Archer: Well, I guess it's time to break out "Bartlett's Famous Cliches."

Trip's quarters:
Subcommander T'Pol: Trip said I wouldn't miss my mother so much after a few years.
Captain Archer: Time heals all wounds. So you up for some dinner? I'll read my speech to you.
Subcommander T'Pol: I would, but Trip is the jealous type.
Captain Archer: Uh, Trip is dead.
Subcommander T'Pol: I got an advance copy of "The Good That Men Do." Trip is NOT. DEAD.
Captain Archer: Sorry to hear that,
(T'Pol storms out of the room).
Captain Archer: Damn. Did I say that out loud?
Lt. Porthos: Yes.

Galley:
Chef Riker: So what do you all think of Trip?
Hoshi: He was an ignoramous who could barely speak English. And he learned about engines by working on engines.
Malcolm: When I met him I thought he was a hick. Now I realize he was bumpkin.
Phlox: He spurned my second wife. He's a puritanical nitwit.
Travis:
T'Pol: He is awesome in bed. And the sex is great, too!
Archer: Bummer.
Lt. Porthos: Frankly, I liked Sim.

At Charter signing:
Reed: Our seats suck! Archer is going have his pick of assignments. I plan to follow him like a crazed stalker wherever he ends up.
Hoshi: I'm just grateful to be here.
Travis:

Riker: Deana, I know what to do now. When Enterprise is trapped by the Romulans inside the asteroid, I'll tell Capt. Picard that we have a way out using the cloaking device from the Pegasus.

[Sector 7]

Poor Richard had it right, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

[sojourner]

I don't get it!?!

[Mr. Laser Beam]

"Lt. Porthos"

[Shatnertage]

Made me laugh. You captured the pith of the episode (better than the episode).

[Nardpuncher]

sojourner wrote:

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I don't get it!?!

You don't get it?!!? What about me!?!?!?
No, seriously, I don't get it either.

[SPCTRE]

JiNX-01 wrote:

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Travis:

[...]

Travis:

Reminiscent of http://www.fiveminute.net/

[TiberiusMaximus]

I liked Travis' part best.

sojourner wrote:

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I don't get it!?!

This sorta thing is kinda like Monty Python. Either you laugh, or you don't.

[M'Sharak]

SPCTRE wrote:

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Reminiscent of http://www.fiveminute.net/

More than a little, yes.

[JiNX-01]

My apologies. I should have explained: The idea is to take a Trek episode and write a a truncated version while having fun with the plot.

[RandyS]

sojourner wrote:

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I don't get it!?!

Your attention span is too short.

[Nardpuncher]

RandyS wrote:

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Your attention span is too short.

Or not short enough!

[Gary7]

TiberiusMaximus wrote:

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This sorta thing is kinda like Monty Python. Either you laugh, or you don't.

That's a good way of putting it.

It had some funny moments.

[The Wormhole]

There were parts where I chuckled. Though here's what I don't get: if this comes from another Trek forum, why does it have the "Not. Dead" gag? Didn't that originate here on Trek BBS?

[barnaclelapse]

Heh. Funny stuff.