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Old August 13 2010, 04:49 PM   #1
ed629
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Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

You may remember when I posted this http://www.trekbbs.com/showthread.php?t=115944


So after I told her to get lost, she came back to me and we had a long talk. I gave her another chance which I know I shouldn't have.

Things were going well for months, but then in the last few weeks her behavior was starting to become out of control again. Two weeks ago we got into a small argument, when I tried to control the situation by trying to get to calm down and see what she was doing was not good for her, she responded by yelling at me, then hitting me. A week later she hit me again because of another argument and because I didn't want to go and buy some liquor at 11pm.

Yesterday I found out she used something she shouldn't have considering her probation for her DUI. When I told her that I wasn't happy about it and that she made me feel as she lied to me, she got upset again and kicked me pretty hard. i walked away from her because I felt hurt, used and humiliated by it. I initially needed just some time to deal with it before saying more to her about it, and that was when she kicked me. i told her to give me a little bit of time, 10-20 minutes but the kicking just did it for me. The worst part of it was we had her 9 year old niece with us. She just knew we were upset but by the end of it she was also upset as she was told she would never see me again.

When we got back to my house, we didn't talk much, just a few words. she called her mom to come get her, and packed up all her belongings and moved out.

I don't how to feel, part of me is relieved, part is angry that she would actually use physical force against me and a large part of me just feels hurt badly. I tried to help her work out her issues, and we actually had made progress on it, very good progress, I attended AA meetings with her, took her to counseling sessions and so forth.

I thank everyone who gave me advice before, and I should have listened to it but in the end my heart went out to her and now I just feel like she used me and abused our relationship. This has also cost me many close friends, I had a friend call me a few days ago to tell me that she had been talking to other friends in our circle and they no longer talk to have contact with me because of her. It's been a long and emotional ride, and I don't expect sorrow or condolences, I just had to get this out somehow.
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Old August 13 2010, 05:11 PM   #2
Australis
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

If I'd gone into that thread, I'd have said: Run. Don't look back.

But this is now.

Throw a party, tell all the friends you've fallen out with. They'll be cruel, but let them get it off ytheir chest, and it'll probably do you some good to hear it.

But, dude, don't take her back. Sorry to be harsh, but... it isn't worth the heartache. I speak from experience.
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Old August 13 2010, 06:37 PM   #3
Colonel Green
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

^ THIS

Congratulations, I couldn't be more happy for you! Getting out of a shitty/abusive relationship is something worth celebrating. Some might make the fatal mistake of sulking, but not you, you know better.

Throw yourself a motherfucking party, because you, sir, are the man.
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Old August 13 2010, 07:10 PM   #4
Robert D. Robot
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

You deserve better than this, ed629. Get on with celebrating life with someone who appreciates you and what the world has to offer.

Some people need professional help, as there is only so much a friend or family member can do. You can no more truly help this person any more than you could fix a person needing a tumor removed (unless you happen to be a surgeon!)
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Old August 13 2010, 09:39 PM   #5
Robert Maxwell
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

Everyone told you this was a bad idea from the start and you didn't listen. Now you've learned the hard way.

I hope that, next time you come for advice and you get pretty much the whole board telling you to run the hell away, you will listen.
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Old August 13 2010, 10:14 PM   #6
Mr Awe
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

I'm happy that this seems to be over. Make a pledge to yourself right now to not let it restart again should she attempt to contact you. This is likely.

Mr Awe
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Old August 14 2010, 01:06 AM   #7
ed629
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Everyone told you this was a bad idea from the start and you didn't listen. Now you've learned the hard way.

I hope that, next time you come for advice and you get pretty much the whole board telling you to run the hell away, you will listen.
I did take the advice, then she came back a while later. We did have a lot to talk about, and until recently she did keep her part of the agreement. But yeah... people can only change if they want to, and I wanted to believe she could change. It seemed like she was for months and then this.
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Old August 14 2010, 01:08 AM   #8
ed629
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

Mr Awe wrote: View Post
I'm happy that this seems to be over. Make a pledge to yourself right now to not let it restart again should she attempt to contact you. This is likely.

Mr Awe
She already did... and so did her mom to apologize for her behavior, she took my side on the issue and said that her daughter needs help and is grateful for what I have done for her. Even in the driveway she asked her what she did to me.
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Old August 14 2010, 02:08 AM   #9
Australis
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

You aren't her keeper. You don't have to pick up the pieces. IF she's left anything at your place, box it up and get someone else to drop it at her mother's.
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Last edited by Australis; August 14 2010 at 02:50 AM.
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Old August 14 2010, 02:12 AM   #10
MANT!
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

You're done with her..

remember, you're DONE with her... The less contact you have with her..the better you will be...


Don't rebound with someone else either... be yourself for a while...wrap your head around the fact that it's over first, before trying to find someone else...


Sorry it didn't work for you, but hopefully you've learned from this...
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Old August 14 2010, 02:13 AM   #11
iguana_tonante
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

You live, you learn.
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Old August 14 2010, 03:08 AM   #12
ed629
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

Today has been an interesting day, several people that have learned of what happened have all said pretty much the same thing. That they don't like her, that I can do so much better than her, that she will only drag me down and will end up affecting my own future. In a nutshell, she is toxic to those around her. Even a friend of mine that had a class with her, we didn't realize it, but once she found out who was, she said "Wow... I feel sorry for you. And that half the class didn't like her" and was known as annoying girl.
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Old August 14 2010, 04:46 AM   #13
propita
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

If you are ever tempted to speak with her again when she contacts you--and she likely will--YOU must seek some professional help. You need to find out why you're willing to be treated like dirt by someone who lies to you.

You're willingness to ignore what everyone around you says and what you yourself knows to be the best course of action speaks of some need to "save" others at your own expense.

I hope the best for you. What you have in your favor is that you DO know what's best (regardless of whether or not you follow your instincts), you have friends how may just stand by you after this, and you have a lot of people here willing to give you their honest opinions. That's better than being surrounded by a bunch of syncophants who'll let you destroy yourself.
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Old August 14 2010, 04:59 AM   #14
gturner
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

Don't abandon a relationship just becaue she gets physical. Instead, make yourself some Star Wars Stormtrooper armor and holler "Hit me now, bitch!"

Once she realizes that pummeling is useless against a Stormtrooper (unless you're a Wookie), she'll either abandon physical violence or build a lightsaber. Either way, you win.

ETA: Btw, from what I've read there's a high probability that her mother is also abusive, as children seem to adopt the relationship behaviors of their mothers, not their fathers.
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Old August 14 2010, 07:11 PM   #15
RJDiogenes
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Re: Update on an old issue... and thanks for the previous advice.

Don't beat yourself up for not taking the advice of TrekBBS. Aside from the fact that TrekBBS doesn't always know what it's talking about, you did the compassionate and optimistic thing, and that's to your credit. But now is really the time to put this all behind you and move on. Hopefully, this girl can get her act together, but that has to be done in the context of a new life.
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