The Joke Thread.

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One of them farts. The other one says "Hey! I'm eatin' here!"

[captcalhoun]

an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a pub.

the barman says, 'what is this, some kinda joke?'

[SicOne]

Three guys are in this boat in the middle of the Pacific, and the boat sinks but the guys are able to swim to a remote island. Only other people on the island are members of a tribe; war paint, bones sticking out of their noses, the whole nine yards. The tribe warriors drag the three guys before the tribe chief.

"You are invaders on our sacred island...and we give invaders a choice. Death...or boonda."

The guys look at each other, then one asks pensively, "Chief, what's boonda?"

"Boonda is where you get pronged up the ass by the entire tribe."

Taken very much aback, the three guys look over their shoulders to see the entire tribe amassed behind them, two hundred strong, not a female in sight.

Chief asks the first guy. "What is your choice?"

The first guy thinks a minute, then says, "Well...I don't wanna get screwed up the ass by two hundred big guys, but I don't wanna die, either, so I have no choice but to accept...boonda!"

The tribe yells, "YAAAAAAYYYYY!" and throws their spears into the air and hoots and hollers and forms an orderly line and nails this guy up the ass, big-time; all two hundred tribesmen. When they're finished, the first guy goes hobbling off towards the forest, all bow-legged, rectum bleeding, insides practically hanging out, a complete wreck.

Chief:"Second man, what is your choice?"

The second guy is in complete shock, having witnessed what happened to the first guy. But his life circumstances are a bit different from the first guy, so he rolls with it. "Well...clearly I don't want boonda, but if I choose death, that bitch wife of mine stands to inherit all of my wealth. I can have asshole-repair surgery when I get back to civilization and still retain my money, so I have little choice but to accept...boonda!"

"YAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!", yells the tribe, the spears go up twice as high, another orderly line forms, and they REALLY nail this guy up the ol' poop-chute, twice in one day, this is a banner day for our tribe! When they're finished, the second guy, his asshole completely ruptured, colon in tatters and his intestines dangling around his ankles, goes shuffling off towards the first guy.

Chief:"Third man, what is your choice?"

The third guy, being more macho and having lived a nice full life, had more time to prepare his answer. "Well, chief; when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil, I want to die with dignity. So I choose...death!"

"YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!", the tribe trumpets, and the spears fly up three times as high, and they begin to drop their loincloths and form another line.

The third guy takes a step backwards, clutching his asshole, and says, "Hey, hey, hey, chief! What's going on? I chose death!"

The chief drops his loincloth and says "Death...by boonda!"

[Ruaidhri]

A man is walking along a beach in California and comes across a glass bottle sticking out of the sand. As he wipes it off with his shirt a genie bursts from the bottle!

The genie is grateful, kissing the man's feet. "I can't thank you enough for freeing me from my prison! I will grant you one wish, anything you desire!"

The man impulsively blurts out "I want a bridge from here to Hawaii! I'm terrified of flying and would like to be able to drive there!"

The genie frowns. "Seriously? Man, that's gonna be a lot of work. That's thousands of miles, at least. Isn't there anything else you'd like?"

The man thinks harder this time, realizes that his love life has always been a shambles, and says, "I want the ability to understand all women!"

The genie frowns again.

"How many supports do you think that bridge will need?"

[Gil T.Azell]

captcalhoun wrote:

---

an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a pub.

the barman says, 'what is this, some kinda joke?'

hey now

"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean rather than the bay?















ANSWER: Because than they would be bay-gulls!

[Captain Ice]

Ruaidhri wrote:

---

A man is walking along a beach in California and comes across a glass bottle sticking out of the sand. As he wipes it off with his shirt a genie bursts from the bottle!

The genie is grateful, kissing the man's feet. "I can't thank you enough for freeing me from my prison! I will grant you one wish, anything you desire!"

The man impulsively blurts out "I want a bridge from here to Hawaii! I'm terrified of flying and would like to be able to drive there!"

The genie frowns. "Seriously? Man, that's gonna be a lot of work. That's thousands of miles, at least. Isn't there anything else you'd like?"

The man thinks harder this time, realizes that his love life has always been a shambles, and says, "I want the ability to understand all women!"

The genie frowns again.

"How many supports do you think that bridge will need?"

I've heard this one told many times with the last line being, "Do you want two lanes or four?"

[Finn]

^That's probably the more common variant.

[captcalhoun]

i think it's disgusting all those jokes about the manhunt and shootings in Rothbury. i don't find them Raoul Moat-ly fuunny.

[Chaos Descending]

So a sailor walks past a bar...

No, really, it could happen!

[trekkiedane]

Chaos Descending wrote:

---

So a sailor walks past a bar...

No, really, it could happen!

Must've been closed

sidious618 wrote:

---

"The Refrigerator" is hilarious.

Thanks, it's a classic but i think that version is very well written

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window of the plane when another sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the him.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained he was from the Commonwealth Police Drug Department and the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you how he works once we get airborne.
The plane took off,and once it had levelled out,the CPO told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle,and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy',turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,'replied the first bloke.
Once again, the Copper sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about,sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat,and this time placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said,'That man's carrying cocaine,so again I'm making a note of his seat number for the authorities.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Cop then got Sniffer to 'search' again.
So Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,sat down for a moment,then came racing back to his seat,and proceeded to shyyyte all over the place.
The first man was disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure why a well-trained dog would behave in such a manner. He asked the Policeman, 'What the hell's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied,
'He's just found a bomb.'

[captcalhoun]

lol.

how many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?

Darkness is irrelvant, light-bulbs are irrelevant. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

[trekkiedane]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller: "Why it change?
-Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty?
Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said: "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

.

[Mr. Laser Beam]

A woman is living alone with her pet cat. She finds a magic lamp and rubs it, and out pops a genie, who grants her three wishes.

- Her first wish is to be extremely rich.

- Her second wish is to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

- Her third wish is for the cat to be turned into a handsome man.

So all of her wishes are granted. She then takes the man-who-used-to-be-cat upstairs and asks him to make mad passionate love to her. The man says:

"You should have thought of that before you had me fixed."

[Wynterhawk]

A piece of string walks into a pub. He goes up to the bar and pounds his fist on the countertop.

"Hey, barkeep. Gimme a beer."

The bartender turns around and looks down at the string.

"Get outta here, mate. We don't serve your kind in here!"

The string stands up affronted and leaves in a huff. It then goes outside and around the back of the pub. There it messes up its hair and ties itself into a knot. The string then goes back into the pub. It goes up to the bar and pounds his fist on the countertop.

"Hey, barkeep. Gimme a beer."

The bartender looks down at the string.

"Oi, didn't I tell you to get outta here? Weren't you the piece of string who was in here before?"

The string looks around innocently.

"Who me? I'm a frayed knot."

(when said aloud, of course it sounds like, "I'm afraid not." )


Woo! I'll be here all week!

[Jonas Grumby]

Two guys are hiking in the woods when they suddenly find themselves face to face with a snarling grizzly bear. One guy immediately slips his backpack off, pulls a pair of running shoes out of it, slips them on his feet and starts hurriedly tying the laces.

The second guy says, "You fool! You can't run faster than a hungry grizzly bear!"

The first guy replies, "I don't have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you."