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Old July 22 2010, 11:14 PM   #1
freakishdane
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The Joke Thread.

LoB kinda suggested that we have a joke thread here.

Why not see if it could work, I figured.

I suggest that we tell one joke each (at a time) -to keep the ones we post some of the very best we know.

I'll start the happening by copypasta: A classic.....

*drumroll*

Ladies and gentleman, I give you:




The Refrigerator.
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."
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Old July 22 2010, 11:27 PM   #2
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Thanks for starting this.

An oldie but a goodie:
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

- Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

- Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

- Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

- Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

- Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
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Old July 22 2010, 11:32 PM   #3
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Re: The Joke Thread.



Brilliant LoB!

That's what I'm talking about!

Oh, and I have a request: there's a joke about some (east?) European professor of mathematics going on a train journey... counting luggage.

I'd really like to read that one again!
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Old July 23 2010, 12:00 PM   #4
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Lady's in a gynecologist's office, with her feet up in the stirrups. Doctor says, "I don't mean to be rude, don't mean to be rude, but you've got the biggest hole I've ever seen, I've ever seen!"

She says, "Why did you say it twice?"

He says, "I didn't, I didn't"...
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Old July 23 2010, 12:04 PM   #5
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Re: The Joke Thread.

^ So she's a little brought down by this news, and goes home. Hubby's at work, so she is standing naked in front of the full-length mirror, trying to look up inside there to see how big this hole really is.

She can't quite get the angle on it, so she takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and straddles it, bent at the knees, peering down (and up) into herself.

Her husband walks in the door, briefcase and suit jacket in hand, and freezes. "Honey," he says, "just what in the world are you doing?"

A tad embarassed, she fumbles for an explanation. "Oh...I'm just doing some special stretching exercises."

He gestures towards the mirror. "Well, be careful you don't fall in that fuckin' hole!"

Thank you very much, you've been a great crowd! :0
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Old July 23 2010, 02:15 PM   #6
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Why did Darth Vader have to search through the entire Galaxy to find Princess Leia?

He was looking in Alderaan places.
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Old July 23 2010, 02:30 PM   #7
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Re: The Joke Thread.

A man hears the doorbell ring and goes to answer it. He opens the door and finds a snail on the front porch. So he takes the snail and throws it into the distance as far as he can.

Five years later, there's another doorbell ring. The man opens the door and it's the same snail.

"What the hell was that all about?" the snail says.
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Old July 23 2010, 06:01 PM   #8
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Re: The Joke Thread.

A woman in a mink coat is walking down the street.

An animal rights activist stops her and asks, "Do you know how many animals died to make that coat?!?"

She says, "No. Do you know how many animals I had to fuck to get it?"
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Old July 23 2010, 08:16 PM   #9
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Re: The Joke Thread.

René Descartes was sitting in a bar, drinking and chatting with the bartender about the nature of existence. As they were talking, Descartes got to the end of his beverage. The bartender asked him if he would like another one. Descartes mulled it over for a moment before saying, "I think not."

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Old July 23 2010, 08:35 PM   #10
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Adolf Hitler, Karl Marx, and Albert Einstein all walked into the same bar at the same time in Vienna. They all sat at the same table side by side for hours on end looking at their shoes.
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Old July 23 2010, 09:02 PM   #11
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Re: The Joke Thread.

^ I don't get it...

A man hears a voice in his head one day. The voice says: "Quit your job, take all your money, and go to Vegas." At first he ignores it, but the voice won't shut up. It just keeps saying the same thing, "Quit your job, take all your money, and go to Vegas."

So one day the guy can't take it anymore and listens. He does exactly what the voice says - he quits his job, takes all the money out of his bank account, and flies to Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says "Go to Caesar's Palace." So he does.

"Make your way to the roulette table." The guy does that.

"Put all your money on red 17." The guy puts all his money on red 17.

The wheel spins...and comes up black 10.

The voice says, "Fuck."
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Old July 23 2010, 09:43 PM   #12
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Re: The Joke Thread.

"The Refrigerator" is hilarious.
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Old July 23 2010, 09:50 PM   #13
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Re: The Joke Thread.

two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says:


i'll drive, you shoot!
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Old July 23 2010, 11:23 PM   #14
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Re: The Joke Thread.

OKAY, I'll see if I can reconstruct it - not an easy task, considering it's from before the age of Google and came in a bunch of similar stuff (anecdotes and jokes about science and the people of science)...


So, erhm, the notoriously distraught mathematics professor Vaclav Something-or-other of the university of Prague(?) And his wife were going on a train journey.

Arrived at the station his wife knew better than having professor Whatshisname go and buy the tickets and therefore merely wanted him staying where he was so she told him: "Vaclav dear, keep an eye on our ten suitcases while I go and get the tickets."

...

Some minutes later when his wife returned with the tickets the professor asked her: "why did you say we had ten suitcases whwn there are clearly only nine?"

Quickly counting the luggage she turned to her husband and said: "You are wrong dear we do have ten suitcases!"

"No, no" the professor said, pointing to the suitcases "count them with me: zero, one, two, three...
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Old July 24 2010, 02:39 AM   #15
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Re: The Joke Thread.

Mr. Laser Beam wrote: View Post
^ I don't get it...
All three lived in the same part of Vienna at the same time. The joke is that three of the men who shaped the twentieth century had nothing to say to one another. Or at all.

***

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling “Gama Su!, Gama Su!”. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterward went to sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, “Gama Su! Gama Su!”
Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese men turned to him and asked “Wrong Hole? What do you mean Wrong Hole?”
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