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Old December 15 2009, 04:00 AM   #1
Graywand2's Avatar
Location: Graywand2
Another Warhammer 40k Funny I found

This is something a fellow board member on The Last Airbender boards came up with. It's funny as hell. It satirizes the races of 40k.

The Space Marines

-Do you love the Emperor? Excellent.
-We've just stuffed your body with gills, infrasight, zero-g lungs, a cloacha, two back-up spines, half a dolphin's brain, and a whole galaxy of endocrine enhancements. Do you still love the Emperor? Excellent.
-Here's your gigantic suit of strength-boosting armor, complete with jetpack and kitty-powered death boots.
-As long as you've got that, here's a gauss gun that launches explosive uranium shells.
-You do still do love the Emperor, right? Yeah?
-Aw, you're a champ! Take the chainsaw sword while you're at it.
-Good, good, you're all set. Say, do you mind joining an ornate intergalactic fraternity, enslaving whole planets to feed your war machine?
-At this point, I'd like to remind you that you do, by your own admittance, love the Emperor.
-Now that that's all sorted, go forth and making every sacrifice, accepting every cost, burn the heretic, kill the mutant, and purge the unclean. Planets are not an object.
-And remember, as you love the Emperor, so the Emperor loves you. Die for his love.

The Eldar
-Space elves, b^tches!
-Pheonix Lords, b^tches!
-Warp spiders, b^tches!
-Doom riders, b^tches!
-Psi-witches, b^tches!
-Fire dragons, b^tches!
-Swooping hawks, b^tches!
-Shining spears, b^tches!
-Dire Avengers, b^tches!
-Oops, we forgot the part where our incredibly advances technology and spiritual understanding keeps our anachronistic civilization from collapsing. Dang.

Imperial Guard
-One day, a spaceship designed like a gothic cathedral comes to your backwater little world.
-You are immediately shanghaied by big scary men you may or may not think are gods and taken off world.
-They yell at you, a lot, and then give you a t-shirt and a flashlight.
-Eventually, you ask what the Heck just happened. Somebody hands you a copy of The Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer.
-It answers none of your questions and you a very, very scared.
-They dump you on a different backwater little world and tell you to defend it against the orks/dark eldar/chaos marines/tyranids/necrons.
-You say no and the commissar shoots one of you in the face. Suddenly, you're very patriotic.
-Eventually, you figure out how to work the giant artillery pieces they left with you and things go pretty well.
-You run out of ammo.
-You die. Hopefully quickly.
-It's a man's life in the Imperial Guardsmen.

Dark Eldar
-You're just like the Eldar.
-Except that all bills will be paid in Rape Dollars.

Chaos Marines
-You're just like the Space Marines.
-Well, except that the Emperor's a pussy and Horus was totally metal.
-Also, you're constantly surrounded by demon chicks with giant knockers. This is scientific proof that everybody else, not you, is the gay one.
-Also also, Khorne left you his shopping list.
-Mr. Blood God needs more blood.
-Also, he totally needs more skulls for his throne of skulls.

-We shall all work for the Greater Good!
-The Greater Good is how our unified race went from banging sticks together to traveling faster than the speed of light in just under 2000 years.
-Our technological leap had nothing to do with pheromone mind control.
-The Greater Good is why we don't need psychics like everybody else.
-The Greater Good says that everybody should share in the Greater Good.
-Our imperialistic outlook has nothing to do with pheromone mind control.
-The Greater Good inspires us to arrange into castes that delegate and share responsibilities.
-Our caste system has nothing to do with pheromone mind control.
-We are ever so short. But our robots are ever so big.
-That's just how the Greater Good likes it.
-The Greater Good has nothing to do with pheromone mind control.

-That steady soulless buzz your hear?
-That one resonating from the robotic skeletons?
-That is the sound of hungry Death Gods.
-It merely echoes through their minions.
-Trust me about this.
-I read it all in an issue of Heavy Metal.



Ork behavior is dominated by the Waaagh!, a gestalt psychic field they generate that affects the Ork psyche, as it allows Orks to instinctively recognise who is 'bigga' and therefore in charge. All Orks generate this field, and it grows stronger as the Orks enjoy themselves, generally while fighting. The Waaagh! helps give momentum (and the name) to the Orks' planet-crushing Waaaghs. These Waaaghs are a cross between a mass migration, holy war, looting party and pub crawl, with a bit of genocide thrown in for good measure. (This one apparently taken whole from the Lexicanum because there's really nothing you can add at that point).
"Don't worry, Captain, we'll buff out those scratches.

-Spongebob Squarepants.
Graywand2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old December 15 2009, 07:18 AM   #2
Location: everywhere
Re: Another Warhammer 40k Funny I found

love the Chaos Space Marines, Space Marines and Tyranid ones
captcalhoun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old December 15 2009, 09:52 PM   #3
Graywand2's Avatar
Location: Graywand2
Re: Another Warhammer 40k Funny I found

My favorite is the Imperial Guard one.
"Don't worry, Captain, we'll buff out those scratches.

-Spongebob Squarepants.
Graywand2 is offline   Reply With Quote


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