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Old November 17 2009, 05:12 PM   #1
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Gojirob's Avatar
Location: Going Super Diclonius 4...
Pun-ishment, PG, 1/1, All ST TV series, Drabble Humor

Title : Pun-ishment

Author : ‘Goji’ Rob Morris

Series : All, except for AOS, including Ancient Destroyer

Type : Drabble Humor series

Part : 1/1

Characters : From all 5 TV series, set at different times

Rating : PG/PG13 maybe

Summary : All I can really say is - I'm sorry. This series is exactly what the title implies.

By Rob Morris


Kira began to relate her intense dream about Bareil. Ezri listened intently, nervous that she would upset her new/old friend.

"He walked in, and he was my Bareil. He announced his intention to make sweet, gentle love to me. Then, the Mirror Bareil walked in, and he announced his intention to have wild, untamed sex with me."

Ezri nodded.

"So what did you do?"

Kira blushed.

"Ezri--I had them take me simultaneously. I did something I'd never dream of allowing while awake."

Ezri ended the session--badly.

"So in other words----they gave it to you with both Bareils."


Worf sat at the table in Quark's.

"Martok--must we truly undergo this?"

Martok nodded.

"After arguing with that Admiral and Sisko over celebrating victories, I feel like a weakling for my fear. But we must do this, Worf. It is tradition!"

Worf still felt uneasy.

"To--eat of Gowron's flesh--merely because he had been Chancellor. If someone had accused us of that, I would have killed him instantly!"

Quark brought the plate.

"Quite a grisly little meal, but here it is. Eat hearty!"

Martok openly winced.

"Was this--thing--truly once my fallen predecessor?"

Quark nodded.

"I Gowron-tee!"


That the Voles were fully sentient stunned everyone. But their leader had emerged, and asked for talks. Now, to celebrate the contact, a party was being held at Vic's bar, with Ah-ray, the leader of the newly recognized sentient species, as the guest of honor. Sisko enjoyed especially hearing that Ah-ray had never even considered letting the Cardassians know about their secret.

Vic fretted. He had to come up with a number to get things moving. He felt he'd found it at last.

"I dedicate this to the leader of a group we never saw correctly."

He began.

"Vooole Ah-Rayyyy......"



The Doctor winced to hear Ezri's words.

"That bad? Don't get me wrong. I've had to endure my creator's lack of social graces myself. Small wonder I disobeyed orders so often. Apples and Trees, as they say."

Ezri nodded.

"Julian likes you well enough, Doctor. But at that conference, Zimmerman dredged it all up again. Like Julian had a choice about his enhancements! I'm not even convinced he was slow. But your programmer---needs a manners chip, if you know what I mean."

The Doctor raised a concerned eyebrow.

"It seems Lewis Zimmerman is little more than a Julian Basher!"


The King of Vector-Sigma Eight was thanking the man who had saved his planet.

"Captain Picard's heroism demands a reward! He is granted the duchy of Alpha-Trion."

The cheers went up, and one and all, Picard's crew said appropriate words on behalf of a man not fond of public adulation. Finally, one he loved best of all took the podium. Beverly was beaming, and could hardly think straight.

"He has been to me, Jean-Luc----friend, and Jean-Luc---Captain. But now, I will address this good old son of rural stock as----"

She gestured broadly with her arms.



The situation infuriated Ben Sisko.

"You Zortnanians captured Gul Dukat, and you're just letting him go?"

Kira's opinion was obvious.

"He slips in here, where there's no extradition treaty, wearing women's clothing, hiding like a whipped dog, but you people are keeping to a fool's treaty."

The Zortnanian bureaucrat merely folded his arms. Dukat gloated heartily.

"Let’s face it, Captain, Colonel---"

He looked foolish in the dress and big brim hat he wore.

"---in your corner of space, I am a convicted multiple felon. But here--"

He shrugged and snapped his fingers.

"I'm a man---without convictions."


The man who appeared to be Lincoln spoke to the Enterprise's Communications Officer once again.

"Miss Uhura--I ask as I did before. Did my calling you a
'Charming Negress' upset you at all? You still seem perturbed."

Uhura shook her head, and raised her hand, shaking it as well, to alleviate the being's apparent concerns.

"Mister President—it’s as I told you. We in our time no longer fear words alone."

"Well, ma'am, just so we're clear on that."

"Now, can I get you a snack? Nuts, Cheese, Potato Chips......"

She grinned as she added one more selection.



The Ba'sa was a rigorous circuit of Vulcan training for talented telepaths, an answer to the Vulcan dilemma of fighting in wars. Its graduates, The Ba'sar, were highly prized by the Federation, for defense and espionage work.

Yet they had all vanished without a trace.

"Captain, we have the warp signature of a Klingon ship."

"Pursue them, Mister Sulu."

When they caught up with the ship, Kirk had Uhura contact its captain. A smiling Kor appeared.

"Kor--did you kidnap those Ba'sa telepaths?"

"Yes, Kirk. As of now--"

He pointed to his prisoners.

"All Your Ba'sar Belong To Us!"


Neil went looking for his girlfriend, Belinda, as well as his Academy roommate, Jim Kirk. He began to think that he wouldn't find either of them, but in fact he found them both. He just really wished he hadn't afterwords.

"Neil, darling! This isn't what it looks like!"

"Neil, I swear, she never told me you two were serious!"

Brokenhearted and mocked, Neil resigned from The Academy.
For solace, he started again writing poetry.

"Belinda was mine; Till the time that I found her; Holding Jim; And Loving Him..."

Former Cadet Diamond would find more than solace in this poetry.


In the endless debate, T'Pol made an allowance.

"If I for the moment choose not to dispute time travel as a possibility, I must still gainsay your escape from a future bereft of technology, save that you had on you."

Archer shrugged.

"Understood. But one thing turned the tide. It was an invention of Doctor Phlox's meant to safely discharge energy from equipment. It can hold a tremendous charge, and then process it back again very efficiently."

T'Pol nodded.

"So what you are saying is that time travel is entirely possible, if in fact one is using the Phlox Capacitor."



Before the worst of their campaign against The Order Of The Ancient Destroyer, Peter and Saavik Kirk frolicked and relaxed in the warm waters of the small string of islands just off of Florida.

"Peter--I believe that I have found something, in the surf."

Peter Kirk walked over to the other half of his being.

"What is it? It’s badly worn."

Saavik examined it.

"It appears to be an ancient dispenser for salt."

Peter tried to discern something.

"Is that engraving on it?"

Saavik nodded.

"Yes--I believe that it says...."

She shook her head.

"Property of James Buffett?"


The early 21st Century 'Blade' series of films were playing as a curiosity in Gymnasium Three. Most took them for what they were, and enjoyed them on their own merits. But Ensign Crusher found that he could not, and made his distaste known.

"Oh, like any of this could really happen. A vampire virus that no one in history has ever heard of. A dark side he always conveniently manages to keep barely under control. A sword that can cut through anything. Foes that laugh stupidly."

Data looked back at the obnoxiously loud youth. He made an observation.

"Wesley snipes."


Jake shrugged at his friend as they ate.

"Well, you're a better man than me."

Nog looked up from his meal.

"What do you mean?"

Jake shook his head.

"With all the garbage she's pulled, I just don't know that I would have saved 'Her Eminence' from those Jem'Hadar. But you didn't even hesitate."

Nog seemed noncommittal.

"Well, she's not my favorite person. But that is my sworn duty, and besides, it’s what Captain Kirk would have done."


Nog nodded.

"Absolutely. At the Academy, Professor Kirk told us all that his uncle just didn't believe in The No-Winn Scenario."


"What's wrong with the holo-suites this time, Rom?"

"It’s the perspective/ratio subroutines, Chief! They're completely out of alignment, annnd my brother wouldn't shell out the extra half-bar to cover their recalibration."

"So just what happened?"

"Molly and the other children accessed the Hanna-Barbera program, but nothing was right. Bedrock was large as a province, and as they walked toward Huckleberry Hound, he just got farther away!"

"Anything else?

"Yes! Yogi Bear was only half a meter tall, while his little companion was over thirty meters in height and width."

Miles sighed.

"It seems like Quark made a reeeallllly big Boo-Boo."



**The Dominion has escalated from nuisance to imminent threat. Their approach to conflict is clear-thought, but still they shall be rendered irrelevant.**

**Telepathic Omnivore, the overlarge organic, shall meet the bulk of the Jem'Hadar forces. A series of cubes will lead Federation forces toward Betazed and Vulcan, false targets to keep our secondary foes engaged.**

**Inside the Dominion itself, our recovered voice Locutus shall assimilate world after world, reducing the vital supply line for our primary foes. This one is uniquely qualified to accomplish this. For in the matter of acquiring vast cosmic real estate, everything is Locutus, Locutus, Locutus.**




Arridor grinned.

"Kol, we only have to answer this trivia question, and that batch of trans-Olympics tickets are ours!"

Kol shook with pleasure.

"Arridor, think what we'll fetch at auction for those!
But let’s not anyone else see our question, and try to claim our profits."

"Already taken care of. That secured room over there is all ours."

The Ferengi entered the room, and then unsealed their trivia question.

"This doesn't make any sense!"

Arridor said it aloud, while Kol heard the sound of cracking knuckles.

"What angry starship crew, recently returned from the Delta Quadrant, is standing right behind you?"


Odo shrugged in apparent confusion.

"The Vulcans want a rematch? But they won that baseball game."

Sisko nodded in apparent bemusement.

"They're even importing one of the few professional baseball officials in existence. They called you biased."

Odo chuckled derisively.

"My heart breaks. Is this person fair?"

"I'm told that so long as she's well-fed and relaxed, eminently so. I want you to set up the Deluxe Endless Food Bar service at Vockneias's for her, as well as a holo-suite to take her on a horse-drawn snow-carriage ride. You have all that?"

Odo nodded.

"Sure. Buffet The Umpire, Sleigh Her."


JULY, 2365


After Beverly's final beam-out, Wes slowly walked off. Data asked a question.

"Captain, is it wise to keep Wesley in those large quarters? I am told this can reinforce loneliness."

"Data, our new CMO prefers smaller quarters, and Wesley's transition will be harsh enough as it stands. Still..."

Outside the Crushers' door, Picard pointed.

"Data, listen for sobbing or pain. Privacy aside, he must not be let alone."

Data did just that, and then reported.

"I hear music, sir. A ballad offering instruction."

"What kind of instruction?"

"It seems that Wesley is to take some old records off the shelf."



Captain Kirk recorded words of praise for his crew, regarding the events involving Sybok.

"Captain Spock kept a level head despite it all, and that is what Spock does."

"Commander Chekov created a superior distraction, enabling us to at least engage Sybok temporarily."

"Captain Scott's jailbreak at least put us back in the game, and the game got decidedly ugly."

He stopped, and realized that she would be angry, to say the least. Kirk fought down a chuckle.

"But while we all did our part, down on Nimbus Three, it was Commander Nyota Uhura who really pulled it all off."



Spock described the odd effects of having deliberately ingested the Scalosian water.

"Just as quickly as Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel became as statues to me, my perspective shifted. I was immobile to their blurs. As I first saw Scalosians around a corner, I felt myself become immobile once again, first to them, then to the crewmembers, and oddly, even to myself. I was gravely concerned, at least initially, about becoming permanently immobile in all three zones."

McCoy's scowl was all but inevitable.

"In English, Spock?"

Spock attempted to do just that.

"At first I was afraid I was petrified..."
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Old November 17 2009, 05:14 PM   #2
Rear Admiral
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Location: Going Super Diclonius 4...
Pun-ishment, PG, 1/1, All ST TV series, Drabble Humor



Each time the dream about the ringing phone replayed, Data found himself under verbal assault by a different past Enterprise crewmember. Tasha had questioned his 'functionality'. Wesley had shoved him into an exploding shuttle-pod. Now, he found himself the target of Miles O'Brien.


Data looked all around, since the phone was now always in a different place. Oddly, Data saw that his uniform boots had been replaced with standard office-wear black shoes from the 20th and 21st Centuries. Seizing upon the oddity, Data answered the ringing shoe. He also apologized.

"Sorry about that, Chief."


The sequence of dreams associated with the cellular parasites seemed to be reaching its end. But Data still found himself passing the cake-ified Counselor Troi in the dream Ten-Forward.

"What do you want, Data?"

But he could never answer until consulted by the real Counselor Troi.

"Data, it’s your dream. Tell her to leave. But do it how you normally never would. Dreams have their own logic, and so your normal phraseology may not work in them."

Next time, Data looked at the disturbing image, made temporary phrasing adjustments, and made his wishes clear.

"Don't come around here no more..."



O'Brien pointed to the runabouts.

"See, Odo. Each one is named for a river. Since rivers are as temperamental as a baby, I base which one I use on how my infant son is acting that day."

Odo nodded, not understanding the need for the ritual, but comprehending its whys and wherefores.

"What if Yoshi is colicky?"

"Then I take the Amazon."


"Then I go down the ramp to take the Orinoco."

"Yes, well--what if he's all happiness and giggles?"

Miles pointed at the upper levels.

“When my baby smiles at me, I go to Rio De Janeiro.”



Hoshi stormed into Malcolm's quarters.

"You slime! You told them about my shirt!"

Reed raised his hands.

"Hoshi, I've neither told, nor written it down. Fact is,
I was glad to be rid of that bra my cousins snuck into my things as a joke."

She shook her head.

"You must have told! Look what Tucker cooked up for the ship's pot luck."

Reed then asked a question.

"Hoshi, did you truly read this list, or merely glance at it?"

"Well, I think what it says is pretty obvious. Err--why?"

"Because this says Mister Tucker is serving *Hush* Puppies."



Secretly, Kai Winn beamed into the Ferengi Quark’s establishment.

"They say you have books on the most specific subjects."

"For a price. What do you need?"

She threw up her arms.

"I can't sleep. In nightmares, Bareil chains me to a desk. What can I do?"

Quark checked his inventory. He smiled.

"It just so happens I have a book on helping guilt-ridden female Kais in the late 24th Century get over sleeping problems."

The Kai closed her eyes and teared up.

"I must have it. What is it called?"

Quark read the title out loud.

"Winn Doze For Adamis."



Janeway chose.

"I don't care if the Doctor's undergoing recalibration--activate him!"

Kim shrugged.

"Okay, but he'll be missing some non-medical info."

The Doctor was indeed 'rezzy', so Janeway told him what was going on herself.

"Be’lanna decided to try a Klingon aphrodisiac, and as a result injured Tom."


"Tom Paris."


"Torres, Doctor. Be’lanna Torres, his wife."

“I'll see what I can do."

The EMH reported back.

"Yes, Captain. Tom Paris received a very tender injury from his wife, Be’lanna--"

"Torres, Doctor. Tor---res."

The Doctor raised his voice.

"Tore--his? Why, she nearly ripped it off!!!"



His human journey now done, Q nodded.

"Now, this isn't the first time I've been exiled."

"Why does that not surprise me, Q?"

"Ahh, Jean-Luc. You and Riker are no smarter than my beloved dum-dums."

Riker shrugged.


"Primitive hominids I was assigned to grant moronic wishes to. I appeared to them as a sprite. Idiots, but they had heart. They no more appreciated my humor than you, Kal, or Reed. Well--Ta, Humanity. I'd like to say it’s been fun--but...."

Riker then looked at Picard.

"What do you say to that, Captain?"

"Say, Number One?"

Picard bellowed.




Riker continued his tale of time travel.

"So this apple-stealing Keystone constable declares the control device a 'gentleman's cane' --and evidence."

Worf nodded.

"Of course said evidence would be kept in his house, for his use."

Data raised a concern.

"Commander Riker, it seems probable that Mister Clemens based his last novel, about a future time traveler, on me. Yet I know that this story existed before my journey. Could history now have two distinct Samuel Clemens?"

"Well, Data, I wouldn't worry. If that is the case, then they each occupy separate realities, so never the Twains shall meet."


After dealing with Thomas Riker, O’Brien was now facing a
Keiko bitter for no apparent reason.

“No anniversary. No birthday. The refresher seat is reset. I picked up Molly. So why?”

“Oh, Miles! You KNOW what you did!”

He grabbed and kissed her.


“That, my love, is for not being your envious transporter duplicate.”

After he left, she opened the walk-in closet. There,

Leiko Ishikiwa saw that her ‘sister’ from the ‘re-aging’ process aboard Enterprise was still bound and gagged. Plans to duplicate ‘their’ husband would have to wait.

“He’s good. But I can see for Miles and Miles!”



The Agita-Xindi were fully telepathic, speaking only by thought.

"Discrimination from our brethren has made them our enemies."

But Captain Archer had his doubts, and swore that, every so often, the Agita-Xindi would speak to him verbally, though no one else heard this.

"You will break and be doubted by your own people."

But even Tucker was leery of Archer's accusations.

"Sir, there's just no way they're saying anything at all. We'dve heard. We still have ears."

"Trip, they're playing with me."

"Cap'n, all they can muster verbally is a hoarse grunting."

"But I'm telling you, the hoarse can talk!"


DS9, Quark's, 2373

Worf downed yet another prune juice.

"I was forced to erase my brother's memories in order to keep him from destroying himself."

The ensouled vampire called Angel downed enough non-synthehol bourbon to fry a man's brain.

"I was forced to erase my son's memories to keep him from destroying himself and others."

Duncan Macleod just sat and let the ice melt in his vodka and gin as he stared ahead.

"In order to defeat a great evil, I was forced to take my own kinsman's head."

Worf looked at the others.

"I am without Kurn, while you are without Connor!"


Earth, The Time Of The Eugenics Wars

Khan held a news conference.

“This philosophy is a distillation and summary of the beliefs that have shaped me. The Tao Of Khan Noonien Singh, so to speak.”

“Khan, isn’t this philosophy just for your own gene-spliced overmen?”

“Not at all, my friend. Being a superior man is far more than a mere accident or even a design of birth. It is a choice. I firmly believe that what is true for me is true for the entire planet. In fact...”

He stretched out his arms, as though to embrace the Earth.

“I’d like to teach the world Tao Singh...”


2283, Ancient Destroyer Universe

Senior Cadet Kirk and Captain Kirk each thought the other was being impossible.

"Outside of Academy sponsorship, when have I ever asked you for anything?"

"Peter, the Enterprise is not a given for anyone. It’s not even a given that you and Saavik will serve together."

"We have a rep, you know. We saved every..."

"I was there, and the look on Cartwright's face was priceless. But what am I doing to my ship if I take aboard officers who, for some reason, don't have what it takes?"

Peter dropped his attitude.

"We had a dream we'd go traveling together..."
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