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Old September 21 2009, 10:46 PM   #31
Timby
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

I've had some pretty amazing experiences in the kitchen. A few years back, I learned the hard way that if you put the flame to an alcohol-rich sauce right after adding said alcohol, you'll get a cool little blue flame on the saucepan--but if you allow a few seconds worth of alcohol to vaporize while fumbling with the torch, you will get a column of flame in your kitchen that is truly spectacular. Holding a straight face while claiming "that's what I meant to do" was never so hard. That said, don't add alcohol to the saucepan directly from the bottle. The stream of booze can catch on fire, leaving you holding an exploding bottle, and picking glass shards out of your skin and mise en place.

I also tried to boil an egg in the microwave once. The egg exploded with enough force to blow open the door of the microwave and sprayed scalding hot egg goo in a six-foot radius. (I did later discover that you can poach eggs in the dishwasher, which is fucking awesome.)

I think my ultimate kitchen abortion came when I started frying up a pound of bacon, without washing the pan from the last time I made bacon in it. Stepped away for a few minutes, returned to the kitchen to see massive flames. I actually wound up chucking the flaming pan off my second-floor balcony. (Which was an awesome thought process, looking back: "Oh, shit, the pan's on fire ... what do I do? I know! Launch it off the balcony, possibly killing / immolating / bashing passers-by? Brilliant!")

Oh, and if you're going to be dicing habañeros (or other hot peppers), wash your fucking hands before you engage in carnal activities with the wife.
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Old September 21 2009, 10:52 PM   #32
Gep Malakai
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

Timby wrote: View Post
(I did later discover that you can poach eggs in the dishwasher, which is fucking awesome.)
Like, just put an egg in the rack and go? Because that's awesome.

Timby wrote: View Post
Oh, and if you're going to be dicing habañeros (or other hot peppers), wash your fucking hands before you engage in carnal activities with the wife.
What? I'd think that would spice things up!

...ow. Stop throwing things.
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Old September 21 2009, 10:53 PM   #33
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

Timby wrote: View Post
(I did later discover that you can poach eggs in the dishwasher, which is fucking awesome.)
Details?

Oh, and if you're going to be dicing habañeros (or other hot peppers), wash your fucking hands before you engage in carnal activities with the wife.
Indeed. Been there... done that...
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Old September 21 2009, 10:57 PM   #34
Timby
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

Gep Malakai wrote: View Post
Like, just put an egg in the rack and go? Because that's awesome.
Wrap it in foil (and I also recommend not using any soap in the cycle, just to be sure), put it in the rack and tally-ho.
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Old September 21 2009, 11:11 PM   #35
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

I watched my Mom poach a salmon that way. Wrapped it in tin foil (several times) and put it in the top rack and turned on the dishwasher. It worked, actually. No soap, no other dishes in it---just turned on hot wash.

My hubby, in his brilliance, decided to make meatloaf one night, even though we had NOTHING in the house but ketchup, one egg and ground beef. So, to make it stick together, he crushed up a whole box of Cheez-Its and used it instead of cornmeal or breadcrumbs. It was fairly vile, and I tease him about it to this day.

And then there was the time hubby wanted brined pork chops. No problem, right? Well, it was, when instead of putting in sugar and salt, I got distracted and put the salt in TWICE. And I didn't realize it until we were actually eating it.

BLEH.
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Old September 21 2009, 11:19 PM   #36
Timby
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

auntiehill wrote: View Post
And then there was the time hubby wanted brined pork chops. No problem, right? Well, it was, when instead of putting in sugar and salt, I got distracted and put the salt in TWICE. And I didn't realize it until we were actually eating it.

BLEH.
Reminds me of the time when, oh, I was ten years old or so, and put two cups of salt into mashed potatoes, instead of teaspoons.

Sweet Christ, that was horrible.
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Old September 21 2009, 11:24 PM   #37
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

Not quite as horrible, but when I was a kid, before learning the ways of notation, I took the "3/4 cup milk" instruction on the side of a packet of oatmeal to mean "3 or 4 cups." So I made oatmeal with 4 cups of milk. Yay.
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Old September 22 2009, 12:32 AM   #38
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

You guys have it easy. This is nothin', nothin', I tells ya.

Baked beans in tomato sauce.

How will we spice them up? says No 1 son. Oh, I know, says SO. Sweet and sour sauce.

Not a good day. The word inedible doesn't even start to describe it.

That is all.
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Old September 22 2009, 12:40 AM   #39
Gep Malakai
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

^It's odd. That sounds like it could work. My faith in food has been shaken.
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Old September 22 2009, 12:47 AM   #40
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

I can only imagine how bad the farts must have been that night.
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Old September 22 2009, 12:51 AM   #41
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

I've made some great spicy dipping sauce by mixing tabasco, ranch, barbecue and some extra red pepper flake and the 'italian' seasoning herb mix
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Old September 22 2009, 12:51 AM   #42
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

I'm surprised Timby has survived as long as he has. Yikes!
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Old September 22 2009, 12:58 AM   #43
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

I thought of something. My little sister used to make Lazy Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. She'd toast bread in the toaster, and then throw a slice of cheese in the middle and microwave it.
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Old September 22 2009, 12:59 AM   #44
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

My sister-in-law once roasted a Thanksgiving turkey with the neck and giblets package still inside.

Made for an ... interesting aroma and presentation.

thestrangequark wrote: View Post
I thought of something. My little sister used to make Lazy Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. She'd toast bread in the toaster, and then throw a slice of cheese in the middle and microwave it.
Young lady, in this house we will have croque-monsieur and we will use fucking gruyere, damn it!
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Old September 22 2009, 01:20 AM   #45
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Re: Cooking Abomination!! XD

thestrangequark wrote: View Post
I thought of something. My little sister used to make Lazy Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. She'd toast bread in the toaster, and then throw a slice of cheese in the middle and microwave it.
My parents used to do that. I would fight with them.
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