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Old September 10 2009, 09:40 PM   #46
Cakes488
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

JustKate wrote: View Post
Guns are comforting only if you're comfortable with them. On the other hand, pepper spray or a taser take little or no training, are extremely effective, and aren't likely to injure innocent passers-by.

Not that I'm actually advocating a weapon. I am advocating great caution, though. He is clearly NOT a normal person, nor is this a normal attraction.
I'm going to Modells when I get off the subway today. I'm buying the pepper spray. I just called them they don't have it.

Well I'm bringing my nephews this weekend so I have a buffer and it'll give me a minute to get this spray.
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Old September 10 2009, 09:43 PM   #47
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

^ The last time I bought some - I used to carry it when I walked after dark (I never felt it necessary, but my husband kind of does) - I believe I found it at a sporting goods store. It's not a highly controlled product. But you can for sure get it anywhere guns are for sale.
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Old September 10 2009, 09:45 PM   #48
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

BTW, I am sorry if we've freaked you out, Cakes. However, I do think...well, a bit of freaking out, if there is such a thing, is necessary. The whole situation just makes me really uneasy. He could still be a garden-variety clueless jerk - that is still a possibility - but even if he is, getting a little pepper spray won't do any harm.
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Old September 10 2009, 09:46 PM   #49
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

LOL...I'm in NYC Kate...we don't have guns for sale like that. Well unless you know somebody on the lower east side...LOL LOL.

I'll find some and another dear friend of mine mentioned a pellet gun...that could be fun and my brother owns one.
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Old September 10 2009, 09:49 PM   #50
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

I would also invest in a home-security alarm system (sounds to me, Cakes, that you live in a house). Suppose you did all the precautionary steps (warned the police, talked to the wife, etc.), but you don't know what his next move is (or worse, you do know his next move!) I'm no gun advocate myself and wouldn't feel comfortable having one around the house (except maybe for shooting birds for target practice). The authorities need to be alerted if your house is broken into.
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Old September 10 2009, 09:49 PM   #51
Cakes488
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

JustKate wrote: View Post
BTW, I am sorry if we've freaked you out, Cakes. However, I do think...well, a bit of freaking out, if there is such a thing, is necessary. The whole situation just makes me really uneasy. He could still be a garden-variety clueless jerk - that is still a possibility - but even if he is, getting a little pepper spray won't do any harm.
I know ya'll are more concerned than I was...but now I'm on board and I'm concerned. When you ask people's opinion and the large majority are saying get a restraining order or I've seen this before etc...it makes me go . But I rather be than ignorant with blinders on. Seriously when I hear a car coming I've ducked down on the deck a few times (that's how i saw him creepily staring at the property as he passed)...I cannot do that shit! I'm giving him control....
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Old September 10 2009, 09:51 PM   #52
Cakes488
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

Drone36929 wrote: View Post
I would also invest in a home-security alarm system (sounds to me, Cakes, that you live in a house). Suppose you did all the precautionary steps (warned the police, talked to the wife, etc.), but you don't know what his next move is (or worse, you do know his next move!) I'm no gun advocate myself and wouldn't feel comfortable having one around the house (except maybe for shooting birds for target practice). The authorities need to be alerted if your house is broken into.
I only live in a house 2 days a week and the rest of the time I rent a wretched apartment. I cannot afford any security system at this present time. This crappy house isn't even worth a security system...no there has to be another answer....Like my foot up his ass.
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Old September 10 2009, 09:53 PM   #53
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

Cakes488 wrote: View Post
What are you trying to say here....that he'll kill me before I make good on the threat?
Well, I'm honestly not trying to push that envelope, but in a word: yes. I've dealt with that kind of behavior on occasion. People who are obsessed and spurned can become violent. I know you've heard of the term "crimes of passion", well it doesn't have to be mutual. Just my opinion, I do believe you should inform the police, arm yourself with whatever you're comfortable with, and deny him all access to your home.


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Old September 10 2009, 09:53 PM   #54
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

Tell the cops, file a complaint and get a restraining order.



And get married!
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Old September 10 2009, 10:05 PM   #55
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

Be weary of any person who makes an unwanted advance and appears incapable of hearing "no." You don't know if he is dangerous or not, and his continual ask of "are you alone" or "are you going to be alone" is a red flag. In most cases, even the kindest adulterer wouldn't "keep grabbing you" or resort to stalking.

Next time you feel uncomfortable, call the police. I wouldn't mess with this.
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Old September 10 2009, 10:17 PM   #56
Gryffindorian
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

Cakes, one other option to consider if you're uncomfortable with guns: Booby-trap your house. Watch Home Alone I and II and get some ideas from young Macauley Culkin.
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Old September 10 2009, 10:23 PM   #57
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

- Talk to the police, get all of the previous incidents on file no matter how insignificant you might consider them, and get a restraining order immediately.

- Talk to some trusted neighbors and let them know the situation. Even if you don't want to make waves or are embarrassed (which you shouldn't be), simply knowing that others are aware of the situation should give you some piece of mind and give you a safe place to go if you're outside alone and he starts bothering you. It also alerts the neighbors that what he's doing is not harmless flirting if they see him talking to you, and that they should come over and simply say "hi" and stand with you.

- Be absolutely firm with him in any future encounters and leave no doubt that you have filed a police report and do not want him to speak to you or come near you again. It would be preferable to have someone with you when you say this, but I know that's not always possible.

- Get some pepper spray or mace to carry around at all times, perhaps even a small knife if you're comfortable with that. But be conscious of local laws.

- Improve the security of your house as best you can. The large glass patio doors are a problem, but a long bar can prevent them from sliding open. He can still break the glass of course, but unless he's really determined (in which case he can kick in the front door or break a window too) usually not having a quick, easy, and quiet entry point will do the trick.

- I would avoid telling the wife. It sounds like the right thing to do to confront her with the information, but it could potentially open a big can of worms both for you and for her with a creep like this. He could get violent with you for "messing up" his relationship, because guys like this never take responsibility for their own actions. She could deny it and get on your case too or badmouth you around the neighborhood. She could confront him and end up getting beaten as a result, or worse. If he gets arrested for doing this again the cat will be out of the bag anyway.

- Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal, please take this very seriously. The fact that the guy keeps asking if you're alone and walks into a screened in part of your house is just a huge danger sign. I don't want to alarm you, but he really does sound like a rapist scouting out a new victim. If you can have someone stay with you for a while I would do it. It doesn't even necessarily have to be a guy, because just having another person there can act as a deterrent many times.

We could all be wrong and this guy could just be some creep with serious boundary issues and the inability to take no for an answer, and it won't go any further than that. But all the warning signs of something worse are there, so it's better to not take any chances and stay safe.
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Old September 10 2009, 11:13 PM   #58
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

1) Get a restraining order
2) Let your neighbors know and ask them to help keep an eye on things
3) Don't talk to the guy again, ever.
4) Don't be alone at this house until things are safer.

Chances are you're not the only one this guy is stalking. There may also be some open cases the cops are trying to resolve. Letting the police know is not just to your benefit but to the benefit of everyone in the neighborhood.

Whether or not this guy is married not relevant. From what you say he's stalking you and he could escalate.
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Old September 10 2009, 11:15 PM   #59
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

Just a couple of things that might also be helpful.

Do talk to the police, as so many people have already said here. When you're talking to them, outline the facts calmly and clearly. Have prepared in advance a factual account of how he has behaved, and your concerns about your safety or peace of mind. You probably feel quite confused and conflicted about this guy who you thought was nice if a bit of a git, and has now proved not to be, but don't feel guilty or self-dismissive in reporting the incidents. You're giving the authorities the facts as a fair precaution to help them and you should matters require their further intervention. You're not doing anything wrong, and you're not overreacting.

Keep a log of every incident that occurs, even if it seems inconsequential at the time. Note down the time, date, and what happens in a little personal notebook. This is useful for reporting future incidents to the police. It's also very helpful for keeping things in perspective for yourself so you can identify any patterns, or particular times of day when he's more likely to hassle you etc.

Have a network of friends you can call up or IM if you're feeling anxious. I admire how thoroughly fierce you are, but it's natural to get worried in this kind of situation. Like you said, he's looking for power in this situation by making you uncomfortable. Have somebody you can chat to - even come on here and chat to us - somebody who won't try to diminish your concerns or convince you you're over-reacting/imagining shit, but who also won't make you feel even worse by freaking out themselves.

There are further resources available online that might help you clarify what this man is doing and what your best options are for keeping yourself as safe as you can. Fr'instance the National Centre for Victims of Crime has a list of suggested safety planning, and Google turns up lots more local advice pages.

You can't control what he'll do, and that's a shitty situation to be in, but there are some pointers for things you can do to help feel more secure and safe.
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Old September 10 2009, 11:42 PM   #60
Jethro Elvis
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Re: Married Men -- no all Men I have question.

Cakes, once again I would like to apologize and thank you for not telling my wife.

Yer Pal,
Jethro (she just bought a gun) Elvis
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