TOS Caption Contest #157: No Time To Say Hello, Goodbye ...

Kirk vo: "Captain's log supplemental, after due consideration, and the sight of Uncontrollable Diarhhea McCoy walking out of the turbolift, putting his dentures back in, I have decided that a gloryhole on the bridge is a bad idea."

 

Kirk: "That was the chair leather again."
<Sulu and Chekov exchange looks, roll eyes.>






Sulu: "We don't have the NFL Network because you switched us back to cable."

 

Khan: "This crewman of yours...Chekov was his name...when I ordered him to bring me some brandy, he told me I should stand up in bed, bend over, and back up onto this rather pointy device on the wall behind me!"




Chekov: "Keptin! Meester Sulu is giving me 'that look' again!"

 

Kirk: [muttering] "Where the hell is that coming from?
[listens intently] *There is is again*
[listens intently] It's coming from the gods damned ship!! That music is buried in the frakkin' ship!"

 

Kirk (thinking): Genetically engineered and superior intellect, my ass! Once he gets that injection he'll be a friggin' mu-tant just like the rest of us!

 

"Keptin, I look over my shoulder, Mr Sulu looks over his shoulder, do you?"
"Only when you're not looking Mister."

 

KHAN: This material, it is not Corinthian Leather.

KIRK: Bubblewrap.

KHAN: Then, that was not me.

 

Kirk: "Mr Chekov researched old Earth entertainment and programmed this terminal to play the Russian Slim Whitman songs 24 hours a day."

Khan: "I admire your ruthlessness Captain."

 

Kirk: "...sixteen channels of gay porn as well. Oh, and the dildo is in the holder on the wall behind you."

 

Kirk: "Lt. Uhura, please contact Deck 14 and ask them to send someone up here with my hand."

 

KIRK: And these are our navigators: Bailey ...Farrell...Hadley...Riley...
Stiles...Latimer...DeSalle...Osborne...Painter... Leslie...Chekov

KHAN: Can't we do this later? I grow fatigued.

KIRK: No, this is important. Now, communications.

 

Kirk: Well? What do you think?
Khan: Hmm, my forehead is so big... give me bangs, big fluffy bangs.
Kirk: No, no, it looks fine.
Khan: Are you sure?
Kirk: Yeah, nobody's wearing bangs anymore.

 

Sadly, the dick was not in the door, but rather lopped off instantly when the surprisingly sharp-edged doors slide shut, leaving Kirk momentarily stunned.

Meanwhile, on deck 12, waiting lift patronizers were greeted to a most disturbing surprise.




In a stunning retcon, Paramount Studios adds a deleted scene where, digitally added on the comptuer screen, Khan is shown Chekov's face for no appearent reason.
Though Berman is no longer part of Trek, when reached for comment, he was "Very pleased".




Sulu: "But ... I have to go to the bathroom."

Kirk: "You should have thought of that before we entered intergallatic space. You know damn well, mister, starships don't have toilets."

 

KIRK: So, its nighttime?

 

Casual Stardate FRiday's.

 

Kirk: "What's a nice door like you doing in a place like this?"

 

Kirk: "Damn revisionist history."

 

Khan: "Yes I knew her, but thats not Sarah Palin it's Lisa Ann"





Kirk: "Shut up guys one more UFO in asteroids and I break my record..."



Kirk finally knew what embarrassment was by walking into the door with a hard-on and breaking his nose

 

Nimoy (on the other side of the door): "I have been...and always shall be...your friend."

Shatner: "You know, Nick, not to tell you how to direct, but maybe this would work better if the door was transparent?"