Things you'd like to say at work from time to time, but hesitate!

1. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a f**king people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

Things that I won't say at work, but really want to.

- Fuck off
- We don't do 'deals' here, fuck off
- Don't waste my time asking me what I recommend, decide for yourself or fuck off.
- No we don't deliver to you, fuck off.
- We're closed, fuck off.
- If you think we're too expensive, fuck off.
- There's a pizza hut down the road, fuck off.

I am definitely not in the right industry.

 

-Pay fucking ATTENTION next time.
-Learn to tell time, nitwit.
-I don't care what you think.
-You're paid to apply the rubric, not invent one of your own.
-Stop goofing off and wasting time. Can't you at least PRETEND to care?
-Learn to use a computer, you knuckle-dragging half-wit.
-You have a PhD? How nice. And yet you still little ole' need me to tell you that what you're doing is obviously, painfully, WRONG. Hmm.
-Read it. Score it. Move on. Why is that so fucking hard?

 

-Shut the fuck up and stay the fuck out of my way and it'll get done sooner
-If I have to hear one more goddamn time about your stupid thing i'm gonna drive your worthless ass out to the desert and make you dig your own grave
-No, I'm NOT gonna wire it up wrong, I've wired a million of these up, without any mistakes, and I've only been wiring shit up since as 10

 

One thing I'm dying to say to my new colleague (and shan't say because, alas!, I am too polite) :
Would you please stop asking me all kinds of stuff that's not in my line of work and ask those people responsible for your problem? You don't go for the baker to buy a pair of shoes, after all, do you?

 

When you're a radio DJ/news anchor, there are quite a lot of things you'd like to say that you can't ever, ever say on the air.

 

I can imagine. It's rather enlightening when they forget to mute the micro at my local radio station. I remember one scene rather lively:
"Aarrgh! My peach! He pinched my peach! Can't one leave anything lying around in this studio without it getting devoured?!" - "I can't help it - I'm a Capricorn. You know, they are a kind of goats - eat everything" - "Very well, then eat my script!" rustling of paper and muffled squeaks, then, somewhere in the background: "ahem - gentlemen! you're on air!"
I swear I could hear them blush over the radio *snicker*

 

My name is not "Hey!"

 

"Why did you do that? Who even told you to do that?"
"I wrote instructions for a reason. You were supposed to read them."
"So, rather than read the email I sent you that more than adequately answers your question, you're just going to ask it again?"
"I am not an expert on every single tool and program we use here. Figure it out for yourself."
"I'm sorry to hear the program is 'not working.' I'm even more sorry that you didn't bother to explain what you mean by 'not working,' because that means I can't help you even one fucking bit."

 

The classic way to see if someone follows instructions is :-

1.>Read this in full before starting.

List of steps

last step>Ignore everything above and do it like this.

Can catch quite a few people out.

 

I actually called someone a "fucking asshole" to his face. Twice. In front of other people. All of whom agreed with me.

I also told an ex-boss, when he was apologizing for having gone batshit crazy on me 18 months earlier, that I had wanted to kill him at that time. That unnerved him for some reason.

I, uh, had a problem with filtering my emotions and spoken statements. Yet, when I went back to school, people were surprised to hear that. They only saw me as being nice. Talkative, but nice. I told them I have an awful temper that I try to keep in check. Sometimes, I don't try very hard.

 

- A lack of planning on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on mine.
- The work-around is to use the system properly.
- I may appear unoccupied to you, but at the molecular level, I'm really quite busy.

No. 35 of the OP's directly applies to my cube-mate. She wears this nuclear waste product she calls perfume which I refer to as "ode de urinal cake". Seriously - that is exactly what she smells like and she must swim in that vile shit for an hour every morning. It makes me want to wretch every time she breezes in (at around 10am and leaves at 4pm - don't think she's put in a single 8-hour day since she arrived over a year ago). Another coworker seems to think it's some kind of hair product. Thank God she's leaving at the end of the month. If I can just...hold...on...

 

I have a difficult time placing/maintaining a filter on my mouth at work. People know this. Some people appreciate it. My boss probably prefers that I be a little nicer, but she knows that I am awesome at my job, so I think she gives me a little leeway to be a sarcastic ass to people (so long as I don't go too overboard).

 

I worked at a welfare office for 3 years, made statements to this effect all the time. Explaining how a client's "crisis" was entirely predictable and avoidable was my favourite part of the job.

 

RTFM!
(read the fucking manual)

 

The majority of mine involve the F-word.

Also:
"I think you're mistaking me for someone who would speak to someone like you."

 

"You have a Ph.D., huh? I had no idea they were just giving them out on street corners now."

But other than that, they're a lovely group.

 

Grandma is faster than you and she's dead.

 

"No."

 

"No, you better tell your Mama to come and clean up this s---, 'cause I'm sure not going to."

"Sooo...I heard you got your promotion by literally bending backwards for the boss. After hours. In his office..."

"Anyone born after 1990 can't tell me nuthin'."