20 YEARS AGO TODAY: "But I'm Not Even Supposed to BE Here Today!"

After I watched Jay and Silent Bob on Netflix the other day I saw Phantoms is on IFC and set the DVR.

 

Jay: "What the fuck is the Internet?"

Holden McNeil: "The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another."

 

And that was like 12 years ago, the internet had only really been a thing for a few years at that point.



"Well, do unto others. That's what the Book says."
"Wait a minute--you follow the Book, too?"

 

The scene where Jay and Silent Bob type the angry response to the Bluntman & Chronic critic on the Mooby's Internet kiosk....crude, but epic.

Fun fact: a deleted scene from the film revealed the author of the anti-Jay and Bob post as ”Darth Randal.”

 

I still want Randal's "Ranger Danger and the Danger Rangers" t-shirt he wears in the film. I kind of hope Kevin does something with this concept either as an animated series or a comic via Dynamite Comics. For some reason I was always drawn to it.

 

Here's one from somebody with the chick magnet netname of Wampa1...

And yeah I watched it again yesterday...

"You are the ones who are the ball-lickers."

 

Steve-Dave: "Why can't Hollywood ever make a good comic book movie?"

Walt: "Tell 'em, Steve-Dave!"

Steve-Dave: "Will you STOP saying that!!"

 

Me and my brother watched Dogma today. He's been rewatching all of Kevin Smith's movies for the first time in years and I just so happen to have Dogma on Blu-ray so I watched it with him. I'm not a religious person in the slightest, but I still love this movie. Kevin made religion interesting. Not enough to change my mind, but still very interesting.

This movie was so ambitious. It felt epic, even though there was a poop monster in it. This was really the first time that Kevin had to step up his directing abilities. The previous three were very simple movies that focused a lot on people talking. But Dogma was an adventure that required a little more creativity with the camera than before and I think he did a great job. He always said that he passed on Green Hornet because he didn't consider himself to be an action director, but I think he could've pulled it off.

It was jarring to see Alan Rickman share scenes with Jay and Silent Bob. But this movie proves that he can be funny if he wants to. This and Galaxy Quest.

I'm assuming most of you know that Kevin protested at the theatre that was playing Dogma in New Jersey and he ended up on the news. Well, here it is:

http://youtu.be/wvuJuiTE9do

 

I love Dogma. It's one of those movies where you have to suspend all disbelief and just accept the bizzare events taking place on-screen, otherwise your head will probably explode like the guy in Scanners. What's not to like about a movie that has Alan Rickman, Jay and Silent Bob, George Carlin and a poop monster?

The TV edits of the film always edit out the poop monster scenes so if you've never seen the uncut theatrical version it might come as a huge and hilarious surprise from the director who just a few years earlier gave us the often serious story of a straight man falling in love with a lesbian and the consequences it had on his relationship with his best friend. Kevin sure knows how to make his audience go: "The hell?!"

 

"Dogma" is awesome. One of my favourite roles of Chris Rock's.

 

Rufus: "What do you call this shit?"

Bethany: "Egg-a-Mooby Muffin."

 

That's one of my favorite lines. It's such a ridiculous sounding name, but Bethany says it so straight.

I love Jay going a mile-a-minute after Alanis shows up and blows Bartleby to pieces:

Jay: What the fuck is this shit?! Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?

Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

Jay: What the fuck is this? The Piano? Why ain't this broad talkin'?

Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.

Jay: (throwing his hat to the ground) What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guys head?

It kills me every time the way he finally notices Bartleby's body and his eyes bug out of his sockets when he says that last line.

 

Clerks II didn't have much charm to me on rewatch. Maybe it's intentional that the manchild thing has gone too far but it was just kind of sad.

Still I'm curious enough to want to see Dogma again which I haven't seen since the theater.

 

The lengthy, emotional exchange between Dante and Randal in the jail cell towards the end of Clerks 2 always gets me. Kevin was always impressed and touched at how Jeff Anderson knocked that dialogue out of the ballpark and did it with such believable emotion and body language. The jail sequence shows how much Dante and Randal really love one another as friends even if one wants to strangle and kill the other from time to time.

And of course, when Jay and Silent Bob offer to give them the money to reopen the Quick Stop, there's the line from a deleted scene that explains why they can afford to do so:

Jay: "No, we got movie money!"

(*awkward pauses*)

Jay: "What the fuck? Doesn't anyone remember they made a movie based on me and Silent Bob once?"

 

That scene is hands down my favorite scene from any of Kevin's movies. The directing, writing and acting were, in my opinion, perfect, and could not be improved upon.

 

The jail cell scene is also my favourite scene in the film. Everything in the film basically leads up to this crucial emotional moment in the movie, and everyone nails their lines perfectly. I wasn't the only one in the theatre that was tearing up during that scene and it still gets to me. The final scenes of the film are great as well. It's gonna be a hard film for Smith to top, but from the excitement in his voice when he talks about what he has planned...I have a feeling that he just might pull this off.

 

This never, ever fails to make me misty-eyed. Perfection.

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGE6-zXkB3I[/yt]

 

I love all of Smith's View Askewniverse films, but for me it all comes down to Dante and Randal. As much as I love his other films, Clerks is the one that I keep coming back to. I enjoyed Clerks II as well, but it wasn't what I was expecting; on a reviewing though I enjoyed it more, now I just need to add it to my collection.

I absolutely cannot wait for Clerks III, be interesting to see what they're up to in there forties now.

 

My guess: aside from Dante having the responsibilities of a little kid and a wife? Basically the same as always. And we wouldn't have it any other way.

 

And Dante does own the Quickstop now. Maybe they'll come full circle and he'll be stressed out by two slacker clerks that work for him now, with Dante trying to get them in line and Randal egging them on.