TOS Caption Contest #284: Journey to Caption

Redshirt #1: "So, this is the new 'Redshirt Lounge', eh? How come I hadn't heard of this being on the ship, and why is the entrance locked, with a Red blinking light above the door."

Redshirt #2: "Don't know. The instructions say we need to wait until the blinking stops; and the doors open. Then we can go in."

Redshirt #1: "Who in the hell designs a lounge like that?"

Redshirt #2: "They say Star Fleet got the design from a Mr. Anan 7 of Eminiar VII."

 

Redshirt #1: Are all the diplomats gone now?
Redshirt #2: No, the light's still red.
Redshirt #3: Had I known it was gonna be so long, I would have accept to put this goddamn full dress.
Redshirt #2: And be killed by the Orion assassin or the kamikaze ship?

 

Scotty: "The red light means 'Occupied'. You'll just have to hold it a little longer, guys."

 

Sarek: Look at the sexy bowl haircut on that maintenance technician.
Kirk: I'm gonna need more booze.




Scotty: Nookie lamps! In my day we had to walk three miles barefoot in the snow to hang a sock on the doorknob.





Kirk: Is Davy Jones still on the bridge?
Uhura: You mean Chekov? Yes sir.
Kirk: Whatever.
Uhura: He says the British Invasion was a Russian invention, sir.

 

KIRK: ..and Lieutenant Uhura will be pleased to join us...
UHURA: I'd rather be naked in the desert than wear that goddamn dress uniform at a diplomatic reception.

 

Kirk: "Uhura, I just woke up in Engineering wearing my dress uniform. I have no idea why."
Uhura: "Captain, we've been searching for you for the past two days!"
Kirk: "The last thing I remember is being in the transporter room getting ready to beam down to Wrigley's Pleasure Planet with Mr. Scott."

 

KIRK: How is it I've been in engineering a hundred timse and have never noticed this console mounted monitor before?

UHURAL There's a console mounted monitor in engineering?

 

Uhura: "Bridge to Engineering. Acting Captain Scott orders Acting Chief Engineer Kirk to perform a full engine plasma flush."
Kirk: "That wasn't part of the bet!"

 

UHURA: By the way, did you find my personnal Acting Yeoman Spock?

 

Leslie: Hey, you guys ever heard the term 'grenade bait'?


Kirk: I'm going to need more than this to survive a night of Vulcan platitudes. Maybe some Romulan ale...


Kirk: Spock, you pointy-eared hobgoblin, you've seized control of my ship!
Spock: Doctor McCoy, your voice-throwing has improved considerably.


Uhura: Sir, you have a long distance message from a Carol Marcus; something about a paternity issue?
Kirk: Damn it, Uhura, not during my performance review!


Spock: Your new nurse, doctor.
McCoy: She looked younger in her online profile!

 

SAREK: A Rosé, Captain? Just when I thought you humans were an advanced civilization.

 

Sarek: "It is the best we could do. I hope you approve."

Kirk: "Strawberry lemonade is a great choice. (soto voice) Next thing you know prune juice will be thought of as a 'warriors drink'."




Red Shirt #3: "Did anyone actually ask what the Captain meant by 'target practice'?"



Uhura: "I don't care if they have credits falling out of their pockets, it'll be a cold night in the desert before you see me give a fan dance, sir."




McCoy: "So yer tellin me, Spock, that its not just you, but all Vulcan males are bifurcated?"

Amanda: "It's true."

McCoy: "But.."

Amanda: "You get use to it. Mmmm."

Spock: "MOM!"



Kirk: "Nice work Spock. Looks like everything is back to normal."

Spock: "Good to have you back Captain."

Chekov: "But vere is Sulu?"

*zip - slurp*

Helmsman: "Oh my."

*pop*

Sulu: "That's my line."

 

RICKEY: So who do you think has taken over the ship this time? 20th Century supermen? Space Hippies? Kids? Androids?

BOBBY: My money's on God like alien, been a while since one of them took over the ship.

RICKEY: You'd think there'd be a team of specialists who could prevent that sort of thing.

BOBBY: Yeah, you'd think.

 

Sarek (thinking): He'll never notice the backwash.
Kirk: (thinking): What the ... ??

 

Sarek: Enjoy the wine, Kirk. I stomped the grapes myself.

...

This morning.

 

UHURA Captain, we just realised that Lieutenant Sulu isn't here!

 

Sarak (to bartender): "I see the captain is trying a Tellerian Fizz. Since I already know better, I'll have a Tom Collins."

 

KIRK: Whoa! What's that stuff! The Ambassador is now Tenshinhan preparing a Kikoho.

 

Kirk: Uhura, I just left the bridge a minute ago. What do you want?
Uhura: How about some mother-effing labels for some of these mother-effing buttons so I don't call a mother-effer cause I pushed a yellow blinky light instead of a mother-effing amber, mother-effer?
Kirk: Kirk to Spock - code aunt flo, I repeat, code aunt flo. This is not a drill.

 

SAREK: I am glad to see that and to see you can use logic, Captain.
KIRK: Yeah, nights are usually cold in the desert and there's always at least one desert in the universe where it's the night.