DAMMIT!!!

I try to pretend certain things don't matter to me and at times feel like just giving up. I cannot help but feel that the most important thing to me isn't worth giving up no matter how bad things are stacked against me.

What is this important thing?

Finding someone that I can love with all my heart and be with the rest of my life. A partner, a friend, a lover...someone who IS my better half...the person that completes me.

I have this dream of finding the perfect lady(to me) and having the most beautiful wedding and living a life of pure joy.

I know life has it's ups and downs and nothing is perfect...but more than anything I want to enjoy life with a woman I can love unconditionally and have a family and not repeat the mistakes of those who came before me.

Am I asking too much to want a person I can love, honor and cherish for the rest of my life?

I just wish I was in the position to receive what I am hoping for.

You may now tear my little rant to shreds.

 

Sounds like you're trying to hard?

 

Oh, where to begin.

The problem is this feeling of dissatisfaction you seem to have. It doesn't matter what you achieve or don't achieve physically. The feeling is mental and it won't go away.

This incompleteness manifests in all sorts of ways and may have something to do with the women difficulties you are having. Surely you have observed that people find things when they stop looking for them?

"the person that completes me"

That's your problem right there. You need to change the way you see yourself.

 

Or isn't trying at all. I'm not having a go, I don't know the fellow, but sitting on a computer complaining about the fact that he is single isn't quite as constructive as going out and meeting new people.

 

I usually don't complain and now feel this thread was a mistake ...but have been feeling emotional since I talked to a guy I worked with who just got married...as he was telling me about everything...I was thinking...I don't have anything...as silly as it sounds. He has a career and now a wife which he loves...I was happy for him but I was upset with myself...don't know why...my current situation generally depresses me.

[edit] I don't need to meet new people...I know people...I am not in a position to do anything about it.

 

^ I feel like that all the time dude as I see everyone around me grow and change and feel like I've accomplished nothing.

 

This thread might not have been a mistake if it is the first step towards the resolution of your problem.

 

You self absorbed son of a-

Actually, let's talk. I want you to do two things:

1] Relax. Life is never as bad as we think it is, even when it's as bad as we think it is.

2] Change the height of your goals. You're never going to find someone who is perfect. No one can live up to the human idea of perfection. What you're looking for is someone compatible, someone to share your life for the good and the bad.

You're not asking too much, but you may be asking the right question the wrong way. Don't look for 'the perfect lady'. Just as an example, on this board there are hundreds if not thousands of women; All of them men (I'm kidding). They run the gamut of human experience; old, young, naive, seasoned, idealistic, cynical, etc., etc., and I wouldn't describe a single one of them perfect. They can't be perfect, because they're human beings; creatures with foibles and flaws.

With that in mind, lower your extremely high bar standard to a livable level. What would you do with a "perfect lady"? Fawn over her? Defer to her? Stare at her beauty every day? She's going to kick you in the crotch if you keep that up. Most women don't like being viewed as living Goddesses, too beautiful and wondrous to touch.

Oh, most women I know love to be admired and treated with dignity and respect, but seen as perfect? Nope. I repeat this because you need to keep in mind if you search for a perfect lady (to you), you will never find one, as your idea of perfection will not be compatible with the human species. Come down from that requirement of personal perfection. Descend from the clouds and play in the dirt.

It's good to have goals, but don't compare your life to others. All you'll find is that for some you're better off, and for others you'll never reach their level of success. Don't become vain, but don't become bitter either. Do what feels right for you. Measure your successes by those who love you and are loved by you, not by the ups and downs of other couples in other relationships.

Now, on to your ideal partner.

Presentation: Do you shower? Do you trim your nails and comb your hair? Brush your teeth? Do you wear clean clothes? Do you stand up straight when you walk? Do you sit up straight when you're in a chair? Do you look around and observe how others behave and react to one another? This is important.

Interaction: Are you looking? Where? In a social setting, are you open and engaging? Do you smile politely, do you let that smile reach your eyes? Speaking of eyes, do you give others direct eye contact? Don't stare! Along those lines, do you have some confidence in yourself? Are you comfortable with who you are? Are you willing to speak to her and make certain she gets the opportunity to speak in kind, again, giving her direct eye contact (without staring or not blinking! So many people forget this!)?

Everyone gets nervous, but are you nervous because you want to look right, or because you don't feel right? There's a difference. Looking right is okay, but eventually people can see through it and knock you off the social rungs on the ladder. When you feel right, you believe that you are being yourself and being comfortable with who you are, and that can be seen and felt by others.

It's all in your mind, and it starts with you.

 

J. Allen

You read way too much into...

I know all about everything you posted...not your fault...but it is what it is.

Either way...I just feel like a heel after making this thread.

 

You'll notice that I referred to your perfect lady as a personal one. That means I'm aware that she's not the dictionary definition of perfect. My point still stands. As long as you're looking for anything "perfect", it will elude you.

By the way, next time you go out and look to meet someone in a club or social gathering what-have-you, I want you to remember this phrase any time you start to get nervous. Ready? Here is the phrase: "Women fart".

 

I am not looking for someone perfect...for me or other wise...poor choice of words.

[edit] J. I know you are trying to be helpful...but I feel like a jack-ass when people give advice...don't know why...but I don't get nervous around women...at-least to the point where it stops me...that isn't the problem...my problem is I am not in a position to be with someone...I don't have financial security, don't have my own home...or at-least a place I can call home...I am in horrible physical condition.

 

You lack balance, grasshopper. Get ye some martial arts and/or yoga instruction, stat.

 

Fuck that shit. Most people like to find partners who are financially stable and in great physical condition, but that's just not how it always works in reality. I see couples where one is thin and the other is fat, where both are poor, infinite diversity in infinite combinations.

If you can help your physical condition, do so. If you can change your financial situation, then do so. If you can't, if it's outside of your ability and your control, well then fuck it. There will still be someone to like you for who you are, and not what's in your wallet or at the end of your mailbox.

 

I wasn't too much heavier than I am now when I was with my last girlfriend...but I was also employed and things were great...but that just wasn't meant to be.

 

Nothing is ever "meant to be". If you're lucky, you live to a ripe old age with someone who loves you or at the very least tolerates you. Things that happen, happen. Things that don't, don't. I don't believe in fates or All Powerful Guides who bring two people together. There is emotional, intellectual and physical chemistry. Sometimes one of the three is enough. At other times it takes all three. At no point is there some invisible push for people to be brought together as if by providence. If you like somebody, go for it. There's not going to be someone with a giant "X" above their heads.

Don't waste time. You have a finite supply. Just start looking, and you'll find someone.

 

Jetfire it sounds like it's a bit overwhelming having several major things that you feel stand in your way. All those things would be good to work on for you, not just with the goal to meet a partner. One of them is probably more pressing than the others, if you don't feel like tackling everything at once be kind to yourself and give yourself one goal not 3 or 4.

 

The OP needs to have his illusions shattered. I recommend watching Charlie Brooker's How TV Ruined Your Life part 4, "Love".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjF932SFoCc

 

First, I want to wish you good luck in finding someone, truly.

Now, onto practicalities. Finding someone who completes you, while it sounds romantic, shouldn't be your goal.

What you need to do is complete yourself. By this, I mean, get yourself into a good place, make whatever changes you need to in order to be happy with yourself, find hobbies that you enjoy, etc. THEN, find someone who supplements you in your already positive state. There's a subtle difference there.

Basically, by "completing yourself", you'll be happier, more confident, etc and that will attract a similarly positive person. With positive changes in your life, you'll find that you'll attract more women and those women will be positive influences.

Easier said than done, I know. But, start by making yourself a great person.

Mr Awe

 

I can really relate to your post, Jetfire. I was in your shoes for years. Finally I began seeing a therapist to figure out what my intimacy issues were. It was hard work and painful to sort through all the ways I had been emotionally injured by my family-of-origin.

Now I'm happily married to an amazing woman.

I'm not giving you any advice; I'm just sharing what I did when I got tired of feeling the way you do now.

I wish you all the best on your journey.

 

This totally made my day.