TOS Caption Contest #170: Scotch and a Vodka Chaser

Quit arguing about what season it is (it's baseball season, BTW), because it's time for another caption contest. First, let's give a 21-gun salute to...



In between this and the Movie Caption Contest (that one being completely unintentional), I've seen more Looney Tunes references around here than ever and our first winner heartily jumped on the bandwagon...

For pointing (get it?) out a couple of flaws in the cover story, our dual winners are...

Captain Kirk was never one to pick up on the signs, as demonstrated by our next winner...

And our Photoshop winner, who's starting to make me wonder what "Voodoo Child" or "All Along The Watchtower" would sound like if sung by Shatner...

Congrats, everyone. This week, we shine the spotlight on Scotty and Chekov. First, after seeing the new standard issue Starfleet razor, Scotty considers growing a mustache. Second, Chekov's finally had enough of all the Monkees jokes. And finally, Scotty and Chekov wonder why the Starfleet guys at the next table over at staring at Lieutenant Freeman. Enjoy:

 

Scotty: "Man, they're strict on this planet."



Sulu: "I've seen bigger."



Freeman: "That guy in the blue shirt over there. I swear that's Dr. Gaius Baltar."

 

Scotty: That's the knife I use to cut meh haggis, lad.



Chekov: See no hair. So don't worry, Hikaru, it's just an old Russian wives tale.



Freeman: You said there'd be women here. It's nothing but a sausage fest in here.

 

]

SCOTTY: Funny, Ed Ames didn't look Jewish, either.

 

SCOTTY:I was hoping for Rabbi Gornstein. He's known to be merciful.



SULLU: Look newbie, on this ship we dont do the "slow clap" when a red shirt
beams back from a planet.

 

Chekov: "Please. You do not impress me Sulu. In Russia, ve have sexual predators with equipment thees big."

Spock, off screen: "Yes, ensign, but were they bifurcated?"

Sulu: "Oh my, I believe I'm catching a case of the vapors!"


.

 

Sulu: I told you that we didn't have a "Clapper" hooked up to the ship's phaser control!"


.

 

It was a close shave for Scotty on Argellius II.




SULU: Sing "If You're Happy And You Know It" one more time and it's out the airlock with you.




FREEMAN: I think we've stumbled into a gay bar!
SCOTTY: Klingon bar.
CHEKOV: Same difference.

 

Freeman: "This house band SUCKS!!!"

Scotty: "Are ye daft man? These guys kick ass!!! HEY!!! PLAY SOME HENDRIX!!!"

Kirk: "I believe I heard someone request 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' in here!"

Entire bar: "Oh God, not again."


.

 

Worf: "I'll ask you one last time: Who the fuck threw that tribble at me?"

Chekov: "Giggle."


.

 

Scotty: It's a lovely custom, Miss, and it's verra generous of ye to offer, but I actually prefer 'em unshaven."




Chekov: "Okay, I'll admit it. The keptin's got a nice ass. Happy now?"




Scotty: "Hey, Pavel...I saw you slipping out of Mr. Sulu's cabin this morning!"

 

Scotty: "That's not a knife.You should see Lt. Dundee's; now that's a knife."




Chekov: "Sulu, what did she mean when she said that I was all hands?"



Scotty: "There was a bar in Boston where everyone knew your name."

Chekov: "I know that place; it was managed by a woman from Wulcan."

 

Scotty: "Chateau Latour, 1870??? I should kill you where you stand for offering me that horse piss!"

Kirk: "Ah, Scotty, ixnay on the illingkay."


.

 

Scotty: "Why don't you come with me little girl, on a magic carpet ride."


.

 

SULU: No, no, that's not how you do "Jazz Hands". Think Fosse!

 

SULU: The Captain tells me you've been to Trillius Prime.

CHEKOV:I've also been to Draylax and both the Denebian moons.

SULU:I've heard the women on Draylax have.

CHEKOV: Three. It's true.

SULU: You know that first-hand?

CHEKOV: First-hand, second-hand, third-hand.

 

Chekov: You should have seen it Sulu. Lieutenant Uhura bent over to pick up her Padd stylus she dropped on the floor and Mr. Spock took one look at her booty and he got two bulges just like this. It looked like he had antlers in his pants.

 

Hengist: "We shall now begin the Ritual of Bifurcation."

Scotty: "Wait, wait, wait.. the what of what???"


.

 

Freeman: "I must insist that you tell us where Mr. Scott is."

Chekov: "Yes, either tell us where he is, or... "

O'Brien: "How 'bout I buy you guys some drinks?"

Chekov: "errr.... Let's not worry about Mr. Scott. He probably went back to the ship to read his technical journals."


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