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Old November 5 2013, 10:23 PM   #16
Kirby
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Hey man, just ask her out already. If she really likes you then she'll probably put some distance between her and that guy. If she doesn't like you, or you just don't do anything about it, then she will get with someone, whether it's this guy again or someone else. Either way, you really have no right to comment about her and what some guy may or may not be doing if you're not in the picture. And lose the hat.
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Old November 5 2013, 11:27 PM   #17
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Fedoras are for sixty-ish old men like me. Not for young guys.
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Old November 6 2013, 12:13 AM   #18
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Fedoras are for NOBODY.
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Old November 6 2013, 03:03 AM   #19
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

sidious618 wrote: View Post
Wanting to castrate someone probably isn't the healthiest thought.
Hallucinating Odin probably isn't indicative of good mental health either, do you think I was being completely serious about that as well?

teacake wrote: View Post
Do you really think Odin drank it chilled?

It was cold! SNOW. Etc..
Odin was a hallucination and his opinions carry no weight with me. Eve still, how he prefers to drink mead has nothing to do with how I prefer to drink mead.

teacake wrote: View Post
Also Kommander you are making a LOT of assumptions about a guy you do not know and a relationship you seemingly had no inside story about.
I don't make assumptions; I'm speculating. When I do so I typically like to speculate a worst-case scenario. I've found it's a good way to prepare for less-than desirable situations.

Mr Awe wrote: View Post
1) For someone into polyamory, you seem to have difficulties relating to people. Perhaps polyamory is a cover for this because you don't really have to bond with one person? I bet you are polyamorous in situations that are designed to promote polyamory so you don't have to do anything other than show up to get some.
Anyone who goes into polyamory thinking it's a good way to avoid connecting with people is going te be severely disappointed. Other forms of non-monogamy are much better suited to that kind of outlook. And no, I am not polyamorous because I want to be a man-slut. I could do that if I wanted without being polyamorous.

Mr Awe wrote: View Post
2) It's just a fact of life that you'll have to compete for most any girl. They don't live in isolation and will have pre-existing relationships. Don't be surprised by this. Happens all the time yet new relationships can and do form.
I'm not concerned about competition. If she decides to get back together with him and be monogamous about it, and she seems happy with the situation, I'll accept it and be her friend. If he starts being a dick and she tolerates it because she can't stand up for herself, it's a situation I'd probably be better off backing away from.

Mr Awe wrote: View Post
3) The reason for your "mysterious anxiety" is fairly obvious, it's requiring more interpersonal skills than you are used to. This eye contact communication is new to you. It's not the overt, set-up situation that you are used to. The anxiety is you just have to stretch to be able to interpret and work with this novel situation.
The anxiety is probably due to biological attraction and brain chemicals fucking with me. The effect will be less drastic the more I interact with her, and it already has. The eye-contact thing is probably just who I associate with; most of them aren't good with it. She's really good with it. So yes, some aspects of the situation are novel.

Mr Awe wrote: View Post
4) You seem fairly negative about many interactions. This isn't helping you!
I've known a lot of shitty people, and for most of my life fell victim to confirmation bias and attributed this to humanity in general. I realize now that my sample isn't representative and most people are decent, but realizing it emotionally is taking a lot of work and is in progress.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Your first problem was putting on a fedora. Your second problem was putting on a fedora. (Sorry, I can't help but associate fedoras with MRAs and bronies.)
Fedoras were still awesome when I bought it, but then a bunch of dipshits had to go and ruin it. Unlike them I actually can pull off wearing a fedora, but I've taken to only wearing it when I'm wearing nicer clothes.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
The curse of expectations. The key is to not have any, at least until things get more serious, which (I assume) they aren't. I can understand that kind of anxiety, though.
I really don't have any expectations. However, if I didn't think that dating this girl might be a good thing, I wouldn't bother. So, mild expectations, maybe.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Good call. Although one wonders why you didn't contact her sooner!
It has to do with being a chicken shit coward. I generally don't like asking women out. It's not a fear of rejection like for most people. As I've said, I'm attracted to women that are severely emotionally damaged, and this can lead to very unpleasant circumstances. Women have dated, and even had sex with me, in the past even though they didn't want to because they feared I'd react badly if rejected, and they didn't want to hurt my feelings. Because, apparently, leading me on for weeks or months and then making me feel like a sexual predator when it finally comes out is a much better way to accomplish this than simply saying "Not interested, sorry." On the rare occasion that a woman flatly turns me down, I thank her for giving me a straightforward response.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
What I'm hearing here is that if things don't work out with this girl, maybe you should give her mom a call.


Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
But you're right, pressuring her at a time like that would be poor form and probably doom whatever future chances you might have with her.
Yeah, I'm trying to think of a way to phrase "I'd really like to date you but now doesn't seem like a good time. How do you feel about this and do you have any ideas on how to proceed?" without sounding all awkward and therapisty.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Well, I can see why other people in this thread reacted the way they did. It does sound like he did what you think he did--crashed her party, tried to worm his way back into her good graces. If nothing else, you could talk to her about it. I'm not convinced he did it specifically to target you. You could well be nobody to him. It's possible he doesn't even know you exist. I would certainly recommend not taking it personally unless and until you're sure it was meant for you.
There's a good chance it wasn't aimed specifically at me. He may have just been saying to everyone "hey look, we're not really broken up! Look how happy we are! The bored, vaguely irritated look on her face is unrelated, true story!" He's probably seen at least some of my comments. If he was going to be a major, "this will involve the police at some point" problem, he probably would have said something to me by now. However, when I've dealt with possessive dipshits before and they usually start by waking a point of ignoring me. If he's going to be a problem he'll probably say something to me directly sometime soon.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
I'm trying to imagine how this works where a woman must have forced interactions with her ex (barring the presence of kids or something) to the point that he can ruin her new relationship(s). Do they work together? Why must she associate with him at all? I will say that if you end up in a relatively serious relationship with her, you would be within your rights to discuss cutting that guy out if he's a persistent obstacle to your relationship. But not until then.
In my experience, being attracted to the emotionally damaged, it has to do with the ex being a borderline abusive manipulative cockknocker and the woman giving into him. If it goes beyond guilt tripping the girl into continued contact, typically they live together and he refuses to leave.

With the current situation, this guy doesn't seem abusive. They don't live together as far as I know. They both work in the same field, but I don't know if they work together. She isn't really forced to associate with him. I don't care if she does, or how she interacts with him. I mean, if he's being a dick I'll probably say something but I'm not going try to make any decisions for her. However, if he tries to prevent or interfere with me interacting with her, that affects me directly and it becomes my problem.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
I'd probably say it more politely than that.
I probably will too. I'm typically more polite when attempting conflict resolution than I am in quasi-rage-fueled message board posts.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
I'm a little surprised this kind of bullshit seems so common, except it gives me pause that you are apparently the common factor in these situations. I don't know why this keeps happening to you, though I could speculate that maybe you are misreading signals, or you are getting involved with insecure women who are easily manipulated by their exes, or you live in an area with exceptionally jerkbag guys.
Oh, I understand perfectly why this is common for me, and yes, I am the common factor. I grew up in an abusive family and my first relationship was with an abusive partner, so I identify with women that have been in similar situations. Also, on some level, I think that, as flawed as I am, I'm much better than the men they typically date, and I'll be appreciated. Unfortunately, what actually happens is they expect me to be an abusive dipshit, and get confused when it doesn't happen. So, I've tried moving away from that type, and have ended up in progressively better but still shitty situations. Eventually I'll find a non-shitty situation or situations, but I'd like it to happen quickly.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
So, you want to have a relationship with this girl. I would think that entails you start with some dating. Yes, you talk, but have you gone out and done anything together? Doesn't sound like it. She's got a lot going on. So, you message her--privately--maybe get her on the phone. Tell her you know she's got a lot on her mind right now, but you want to be there for her, and ask if it would be possible for you to hang out sometime. Doesn't have to be anything fancy. You don't even have to call it a date. Just spend some time together. If that goes well, try something a little more organized, and go from there.
I'm going to, but I've been busy as well. School projects and dealing with the problem that I currently have $60 in my bank account and I don't get my next student loan disbursement until February. (Which reminds me, go to http://www.etsy.com/shop/KDRArmory for quality Kommander-made chainmail goods.)

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
Don't talk to her about her ex unless she brings him up or he intrudes directly while you are with her or something. That would be your opportunity to mention that you noticed he seems to be hassling her, and maybe suggest she just ignore him and avoid interacting with him at all. Anything further depends on how much you want to stick up for her yourself, but beating up exes is probably not a good way to build a relationship.
Previous relationships are usually something I like to discuss early, but yeah, I'm not going to be all "So, what's up with the douchebag ex?" or anything. Pretty much what you said, but I might prompt the discussion of previous relationships.

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
You should definitely discuss polyamory with her early, too. Set boundaries. Not everyone is into poly life, and she may want to be monogamous. Your approach of "sure, you can go fuck anyone you want, I don't care" sounds like an opening for no accountability or communication. It's fine to be poly, but everyone involved needs to be aware of what's going on. If you think her sleeping with her ex would be destructive, or encourage him to believe they have a future together, that's something you should probably discourage. If she doesn't like someone you are seeing, she has the right to say so, too. This is assuming you are in an actual relationship, of course.
Her and I discussed it already. I have an infinity heart tattoo on my left ring finger and she asked me about it. She was really interested in the topic. I started by pointing her to the Wikipedia article. I expected her to stop after the introduction, but she read the whole thing, and then she wanted to discuss it longer than I did. However, she didn't give any indication whether or not it appealed to her personally. She may have just enjoyed learning about me and my people.

Melakon wrote: View Post
You haven't even been on one date with her, and you're foaming at the mouth because this guy is going out with her? Sounds like jealousy to me, and anger with yourself that you didn't act when you had a chance. I've been there.
I'm foaming at the mouth because it entertains me, and it's prompting me to reflect on shitty past experiences. Also, he's not with her anymore, and it doesn't look like that will change. As for whether or not I have a chance, we'll see.

Jealousy is the fear of losing something. Whether or not I end up dating this girl, I like her, she apparently likes me, and even if a romantic relationship isn't on the table, I'd still like to pursue a friendship with her. If this guy is the possessive insecure douchebag I suspect him to be, he would probably prefer it if I didn't interact with her at all, and may take steps to prevent that interaction. If he does so, I would stand to lose something, therefore jealousy would be an appropriate response. As I'm anticipating that this situation may come to pass, I am feeling anticipatory jealousy. How I plan to deal with this jealousy is to either ask him to stop interfering and he does, wait for her to ask him to stop interfering and he does, or back away from the situation.

TremblingBluStar wrote: View Post
Like others said, it sounds like you are making a lot of assumptions about a situation you know next to nothing about.
I don't make assumptions. I'm speculating. The difference is, I have not accepted my speculation as concrete reality, only as a possibility

TremblingBluStar wrote: View Post
This is a major problem with young people who interact primarily online in that on social media sites you are only given a glimpse of what is going on in another person's life, so your imagination fills in the rest. If you are an especially negative person, you assume all sort of negative things which may or may not be true.
My past experiences are filling in the blanks, which may be inaccurate, hence why I don't make assumptions. I determined what I did from the pictures using inductive reasoning. In the 30 or so pictures she posted, she looks like she's having a good time, and the ex isn't in any of them. In the two that he posted, she does not look like she's having a good time, and he did not post any other pictures from that night. There's also the factor that he took the pictures himself. I've been to a lot of different bars on many occasions, and 99% of the time, people simply ask someone nearby to take a picture rather than opting for a selfie. People are usually willing, and it usually results in better quality pictures. The only advantages to taking a selfie in a crowded bar is that it gives others less of a chance to object to a picture being taken, and there's the possibility it wasn't be noticed. This is enough evidence to find him being guilty of being a douche.

TremblingBluStar wrote: View Post
My advice is to stop fixating on this one girl. You are in college. There are plenty of women out there to chose from! Ask out other women. Go on a few dates. Work on improving your social skills. The best way to be less anxious about dating is to have plenty of options available.
Now who's making assumptions? The way people typically date does not work for me. I feel like a dipshit asking out women I've never talked to before. I need to get to know someone a bit, casually, without the expectation of romantic involvement, before I can decide if I'm interested in dating them. It doesn't work any other way for me. I'm not dating a bunch of women, but I am interacting with and getting to know several of them. I like the one this thread is about the most, but there are a few others. However, there aren't any problems with the others, so I didn't mention them. So, you're second paragraph is completely wrong.

Squiggy wrote: View Post
Also, Odin? Fuck that guy. He's a douche.
BLASPHEMY!!!

Kirby wrote: View Post
Hey man, just ask her out already. If she really likes you then she'll probably put some distance between her and that guy. If she doesn't like you, or you just don't do anything about it, then she will get with someone, whether it's this guy again or someone else.
Wow, that was simplistic and condescending.

Kirby wrote: View Post
Either way, you really have no right to comment about her and what some guy may or may not be doing if you're not in the picture. And lose the hat.
I will comment on whatever the fuck I want to comment on whenever the fuck I feel like commenting on it. Whether or not others are obligated to take my comments into consideration is a different matter. The "stay out of it, it's none of your business" mentality is common among abusers. If he actively tries to prevent me from interacting with her when she wants to interact with me, it definitely does involve me and is my business. Also, I will repeat once again, I am not trying to prevent her from interacting with him. This is about how he acts toward me insofar as it only affects me.

teacake wrote: View Post
Fedoras are for NOBODY.
Indiana Jones disagrees. Also...



I totally pull it off.
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Old November 6 2013, 03:28 AM   #20
sttngfan1701d
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

^ Nah. Not really. I mean in certain situations sure, I guess you could wear that getup and look good in context of the situation, but do you wear that hat all the time? It's not 1936. I mean, I appreciate dressing up just as much as the next man and I think men should dress well to make an impression. But you're making the wrong impression with that 1930's nightclub look.

Indiana Jones also didn't wear his hat all the time.

Take it from someone who fixated on girls in college who were kinda/sorta/maybe/maybe not into me and made assumptions about their "douchebag" exes....it's not worth it. There are tons of women out there. Get comfortable with knowing a lot of them and knowing that they all have guys around them whether you like it or not. But the guys aren't your problem. Just focus on spending time with her first, establishing a HEALTHY interplay, then date.

Also, quit the Facebook stalking. It does nothing but feed your negativity. De-friend that girl for awhile and interact with her in the real world more. Make her REALLY your friend.
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Old November 6 2013, 03:34 AM   #21
Timby
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Kommander wrote: View Post
teacake wrote: View Post
Fedoras are for NOBODY.
Indiana Jones disagrees. Also...



I totally pull it off.
Between the ill-fitted shirt collar and the jacket that's clearly too big, plus the fact that, well, you're a young guy living in America in the Year of Our Lord 2013 wearing a fedora ... no, you don't.
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Old November 6 2013, 03:50 AM   #22
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

I'm inclined to agree with Timby. Looks like something I'd wear for Halloween, not as a normal getup for actually going in public.

Sorry, dude.

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Old November 6 2013, 04:19 AM   #23
Kommander
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

sttngfan1701d wrote: View Post
Also, quit the Facebook stalking.
Facebook stalking is not a real thing. Even if it was, reading shit that comes up in my feed and occasionally looking at her page if something in my feed prompts me to pull it up wouldn't constitute it. Also, I haven't even logged into Facebook in like three or four days.

Timby wrote: View Post
Between the ill-fitted shirt collar and the jacket that's clearly too big, plus the fact that, well, you're a young guy living in America in the Year of Our Lord 2013 wearing a fedora ... no, you don't.
I was fatter when I bought the suit, and the shirt. Also, you forgot to point out that I don't know how to tie a half-windsor knot properly. That's actually a pratt knot but I still can't tie it worth shit.

Also, when I said I totally pull it off, I meant compared to people like this guy:



Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
I'm inclined to agree with Timby. Looks like something I'd wear for Halloween, not as a normal getup for actually going in public.

Sorry, dude.
I have worn that same outfit on Halloween, and I wore it to an ICP concert because I didn't want to be there but my friend Katie asked me to go with her and I have difficulty saying no to strippers, and I wore it to the last day at the collection company I worked at because it was Downsizing Day and I knew I was getting fired. The day the picture was taken I was going to a wedding.
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Old November 6 2013, 04:38 AM   #24
Ho Ho Homeier
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Well, if you insist on a fedora, you might as well also get a trenchcoat and old-fashioned Zippo flip-up lighter so you can emulate this guy. It's a lot of fun posing under a streetlamp to light a cigarette.
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Old November 6 2013, 04:51 AM   #25
Kommander
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

^ I have a trench coat. It's a black leather one because of course it is, but is still a trench coat. I have a Zippo too but I haven't really used it since I bought a Colibri, because Colibris are the best lighters ever.
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Old November 6 2013, 07:15 AM   #26
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Kommander wrote: View Post
My past experiences are filling in the blanks, which may be inaccurate, hence why I don't make assumptions. I determined what I did from the pictures using inductive reasoning. In the 30 or so pictures she posted, she looks like she's having a good time, and the ex isn't in any of them. In the two that he posted, she does not look like she's having a good time, and he did not post any other pictures from that night. There's also the factor that he took the pictures himself. I've been to a lot of different bars on many occasions, and 99% of the time, people simply ask someone nearby to take a picture rather than opting for a selfie. People are usually willing, and it usually results in better quality pictures. The only advantages to taking a selfie in a crowded bar is that it gives others less of a chance to object to a picture being taken, and there's the possibility it wasn't be noticed. This is enough evidence to find him being guilty of being a douche.
You say this is not "assumption" but "inductive reasoning" and elsewhere you say other things are not assumptions but speculation.

Speculation this may be, but it is negative hyperbolic speculation. It is over analysis. I'm going to assume you see your over analysis tendencies as a personality trait based on other posts you've made but honestly it is not doing you any favors. It is not some kind of neutral thing because it has affected your emotions, gotten you all worked up AND has allowed you to feel free to label some guy you do not know a "douche" all because you have inductively reasoned him to be via a convoluted story you have constructed from some photos. I bet if you were secretly in love with the guy you could have constructed a story from those photos that was completely different.

I know you are most likely to answer defensively and tell me why this is all wrong as you told most people why they were all wrong in your replies. But I hope you will think about how over analysis works. Though it can be a fun game to play once you are actually worked up about it and judging others based on it you are losing your grip on your brain wheels spinning too fast. It's clear you have very little information about the woman, her past relationship or the ex boyfriend and your mind is trying to fill in all the blanks. You may well think this is fine because you intend to replace your "inductive reasoning" facts with any new facts that come along and disprove them. And as I said, if this was all a 'what if' game it wouldn't matter but the fact is it's made you angry and worked up and caused you to dislike someone and label them a douche and maybe abuser.

It can be very peaceful and freeing to say "I don't know anything. I will just ask." You are worried about how that comes across, well if any woman had a glimpse of this whole thought process you reveal here believe me that would come across a whole lot worse. If someone else is freaked out by you simply saying, "hey I like you, what's the deal with the ex? and can we go out sometime?" then obviously it's not going to work out anyway.

As to anxiety asking women out, I would say to anyone always understand that there is no way to tweak the setting and situation for asking someone out so that it is within your comfort zone. Accept that it is going to take you outside of your comfort zone and it's going to cause some stress and possible hurt and then just walk forward and do it.
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Old November 6 2013, 07:48 AM   #27
sttngfan1701d
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

I will say one more thing on the matter. In college, any woman that's halfway attractive or social is going to be surrounded by men as part of her everyday social/interactive group, be it in class, after class, going out, whatever. You may assume that 50% of these guys have romantic designs on her in one way or another. That's generally the way it works.

You can't assume they're all douchebags bent on taking her away from you. You can't assume they post photos on Facebook to mark their territory. If you assume that, it makes YOU look like a douchebag. They aren't your problem, man. They're just in her sphere of influence. Cut them out of your picture. Focus on her. Accept that they're there, but just do your thing. Even if one is her ex, if he's still in her life, as YOU said yourself, that's her problem.

Anger isn't attractive to women. Lashing out at guys you don't know just makes you look possessive and crazy, which will send most of them running for the hills.
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Old November 6 2013, 09:42 AM   #28
Kommander
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

teacake wrote: View Post
You say this is not "assumption" but "inductive reasoning" and elsewhere you say other things are not assumptions but speculation.
Splitting hairs is a hobby of mine.

teacake wrote: View Post
Speculation this may be, but it is negative hyperbolic speculation.
No one disputes this.

teacake wrote: View Post
It is over analysis. I'm going to assume you see your over analysis tendencies as a personality trait based on other posts you've made but honestly it is not doing you any favors.
I see it as an extremely annoying personal trait that I wish didn't exist within me, but it is just how my brain works, is unavoidable, and I just try to live with it.

teacake wrote: View Post
It is not some kind of neutral thing because it has affected your emotions, gotten you all worked up AND has allowed you to feel free to label some guy you do not know a "douche" all because you have inductively reasoned him to be via a convoluted story you have constructed from some photos. I bet if you were secretly in love with the guy you could have constructed a story from those photos that was completely different.
I could probably construct the same story not being secretly in love with him, I just don't want to. I don't think he's a complete douche with zero redeeming qualities, but I do think he is a douche. When I receive new evidence, like, if I actually talk to him or meet him, I may change my assessment. It's possible that, despite being a douche, I might actually like the guy. I find a lot of douchey people to be also likable.

Even if he is a douche and becomes a problem, I've dealt with violent, controlling, abusive, stopped taking his Seroquel, seriously considering killing me, once put a gun to my head douchy asshole exes before. And this guy is my friend now. (He's on medication and has been for yeas and have made a lot of improvements and progress.) I can probably handle anything this guy can throw at me.

teacake wrote: View Post
I know you are most likely to answer defensively and tell me why this is all wrong as you told most people why they were all wrong in your replies.
Aside from some hair splitting, I've pretty much agreed with you.

teacake wrote: View Post
But I hope you will think about how over analysis works. Though it can be a fun game to play once you are actually worked up about it and judging others based on it you are losing your grip on your brain wheels spinning too fast. It's clear you have very little information about the woman, her past relationship or the ex boyfriend and your mind is trying to fill in all the blanks. You may well think this is fine because you intend to replace your "inductive reasoning" facts with any new facts that come along and disprove them. And as I said, if this was all a 'what if' game it wouldn't matter but the fact is it's made you angry and worked up and caused you to dislike someone and label them a douche and maybe abuser.
Mostly true, based on the evidence I've provided you with in this thread. In reality, I was only angry about this situation for maybe a minute and a half. My over-analyzation tends to override anger. Really, the core of the issue is that I doubt my own judgment. I've demonstrated bad judgment as to who I become romantically involved with in the past, I realize it, try to correct my mistakes, get involved with someone else, and then discover that I fucked up again. Once again, I'm thinking that I finally got it right. Then, at the slightest hint that there may be a minor problem, I over-react. I start thinking of all the other times when I realized I fucked up and would have backed away from the situation if I was smart, but I don't back away because I've become attached. In reality, my judgement is pretty good. The problem is, I don't trust my own judgment, but I do trust my ability to over-analyze. What I should start doing is trust my judgment and doubt my over-analyzation.

Thank you, that was helpful. Probably not in the way you meant it to be, but it is what it is.

teacake wrote: View Post
It can be very peaceful and freeing to say "I don't know anything. I will just ask."
I can do that and over-analyze at the same time.

teacake wrote: View Post
if any woman had a glimpse of this whole thought process you reveal here believe me that would come across a whole lot worse.
True. However, if it weren't for my excessive analysis tendency, my tendency to be a cocky bastard probably would have been a problem and I would have been all like "what's up with the douchey ex who is a douche?" to her. That would be worse still. Better I vent to Internet strangers than at her. As I said before, my original post was full of exaggerations and me trying to be entertaining. And, well, you've seen other threads about women I'm interested in and how people respond. It's possible I'm subconsciously trolling at this point.

teacake wrote: View Post
If someone else is freaked out by you simply saying, "hey I like you, what's the deal with the ex? and can we go out sometime?" then obviously it's not going to work out anyway.
This has happened to me before. But, well, I guess it's to be expected when one is attracted to batshit insanity. Although, really the worst reaction I've gotten in the past few years is non-committal responses and a constant canceling and rescheduling of dates. It's really just frustrating more than anything else and I end up thinking "Dammit, just tell me you're not fucking interested already!" It's really nothing to be afraid of.

teacake wrote: View Post
As to anxiety asking women out, I would say to anyone always understand that there is no way to tweak the setting and situation for asking someone out so that it is within your comfort zone. Accept that it is going to take you outside of your comfort zone and it's going to cause some stress and possible hurt and then just walk forward and do it.
The anxiety thing is really only with this girl. I generally hesitate, but I don't feel particularly anxious about it. Stress and being outside my comfort zone are things I'm used to.

sttngfan1701d wrote: View Post
I will say one more thing on the matter. In college, any woman that's halfway attractive or social is going to be surrounded by men as part of her everyday social/interactive group, be it in class, after class, going out, whatever. You may assume that 50% of these guys have romantic designs on her in one way or another. That's generally the way it works.
This doesn't bother me. In fact, it's a good thing sometimes, especially with polyamory. At first, I get into friendly competition/collaboration thing with the girl's boyfriend or other guys she's dating and it pushes everyone to be better. I have fun with it. Then the other guys get all pissy and starts accusing me of trying to make them look bad, and then i find out they do nothing but talk shit about me behind my back, and I'm like "what the fuck just happened?" Some poly people act like polyamory is some enlightened way of doing things, but the reality is that we suck at relationshipping just as much as everyone else.

sttngfan1701d wrote: View Post
You can't assume they're all douchebags bent on taking her away from you. You can't assume they post photos on Facebook to mark their territory. If you assume that, it makes YOU look like a douchebag.
I generally don't, and I'm mostly calling this guy a douche because I like calling people names. Also, no one said I'm not a douchebag. It's possible that I am. I mean, there is a can of Axe Body Spray sitting on the shelf next to me. That's enough evidence for a conviction by my standards. I'm probably not the best person to judge this kind of thing. We should do a poll. Some will say "yes," some will say "no," and an overwhelming majority will say "TEH BABA."

sttngfan1701d wrote: View Post
They aren't your problem, man. They're just in her sphere of influence. Cut them out of your picture. Focus on her. Accept that they're there, but just do your thing. Even if one is her ex, if he's still in her life, as YOU said yourself, that's her problem.
True, but some people are really persistent and difficult to ignore.

sttngfan1701d wrote: View Post
Anger isn't attractive to women. Lashing out at guys you don't know just makes you look possessive and crazy, which will send most of them running for the hills.
This is not universally true. A great many women are attracted to this kind of alpha male bullshit. Generally those women aren't my type, so it's probably best that I not do those things.
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Old November 6 2013, 10:22 AM   #29
Collingwood Nick
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

I'm not sure that getting angry and lashing out at other guys is characteristic of an alpha male.
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Old November 6 2013, 11:07 AM   #30
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Re: Angst-Ridden Dating Rant #17

Women are attracted to confident men, not always the alpha male. The alpha male characteristics they DO like include: going after what he wants, taking charge, and showing her that he can handle her as well as himself and she's not going to be his mother. I don't know any woman that finds possessiveness to the point of anger and lashing out attractive.
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