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Old February 21 2013, 07:25 AM   #136
Sector 7
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Mr. Laser Beam wrote: View Post
teacake wrote: View Post
So if a relationship goes bad, would that count as a 'warp core breach'?
teacake wrote: View Post
You'd have to eject it..
Mr. Laser Beam wrote: View Post
Ejection systems are off line.
teacake wrote: View Post
Then you're gonna die.

BREACH!!!!
J. Allen wrote: View Post
Life's a breach.
I had intended to post: You know you're a hopeless Trekkie when you look at that card and think of Warp Cores and Breaches. However, it looks like I am not alone in that regard.
Sephiroth wrote: View Post
what happens when your someone...dies?
Half of my heart died with him.

Speaking only for me, I'll go for a time being fine [several years later]. Then, something happens that brings it all back... like reading this thread. My biggest change is that I tell those I love, "I love you," every time we part. I realize it may be the last chance I have to tell them.
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Old February 21 2013, 09:42 AM   #137
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

I hope you don't mind a hug, Sector 7, because you're getting the closest one I can give.

*squeezes Sector 7 tight*
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Old February 21 2013, 10:33 AM   #138
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Kestra wrote: View Post
There are plenty of good people out there, with internet.
You should put that on a t-shirt. So many people would buy it.

Kestra wrote: View Post
bigdaddy wrote: View Post
Maybe, but they might live 10,000 miles away and you will never meet.
That's what the internet is for!
I thought the Internet was for porn, fanfiction, and the inevitable crossover of the two.


Sephiroth wrote: View Post
what happens when your someone...dies?
Only you can decide for yourself what comes after that, because advice will only get you so far. People are quick to say you can't stay stuck in the past, but what they never realize is that the past is as much a part of you who you are as any thing else. You can try to ignore it, forget about it, and even move past it, but you can never really get away from it, because the past brought you where to where you are right now. Without it, you're half a person.

That person that is gone, no matter how far you move on, they're always going to be there. I know.

In April, it will be seven years since I lost the woman I was madly in love with. She was the one and I felt lucky to have found her so early in life. She died of ovarian cancer and I continue to love her now as strongly as I did then.

Weeks will pass and I won't think of her at all. Then I'll see something that reminds me of her or hear a song, and she's right back there in my mind again for days...unitl the thought slowly passes. Oddly, I forgot her birthday this year, so maybe she's slipping further away. A good thing? I felt bad afterwards, but not so bad that it brought me down.

I haven't dated anyone since her,(not that I dated anyone before her either...dating has never been high on my list of priorities) almost begrudging the idea that someone could take her place. I acknowledge the fact I am alone...I get lonely, though I've always been independent, a loner if you will. I have no trouble keeping busy and entertaining myself. But I actively decided at some point not to date. I see my friends with their girlfriends, and wives, and now children, moving on with their lives and I can't help but think about the life I might have had, had things been different.

But on the other hand, I look at their lives and I don't want any of that, at least parts of it. Companionship is great, but I have no interest in having children. I know I'm not parent material, because I'm selfish...I like doing what I want with my time and get annoyed at things and people that interrupt whatever it is I'm doing. That's not a good parent, so better to make the call now and let my brothers shoulder the burden of fathering all those grand-kids and carrying on the family name.

It's gotten to the point now though where I no longer get invited to some group events with my friends because It's a couples night and I would be the lone single participant. We've even pointed this out to each other. Ok, understandable. The thing is though, I don't care about being the third wheel when there is a group of six people going to see a movie because I just want to hang out with my friends, but that's ok. You go ahead and see that movie. I've got work to do anyway. As you can probably tell, I'm not bitter at all.

So what does all this mean. Obviously, I have problems. Obviously. Beyond that? I have no idea. I really don't. Life is the worst RPG ever. The learning curve is far too aggressive, it takes too long to level up, and I ave yet to come across a single save point.

Human relationships are over rated. Buy a cat. they're far less work, generally fun to be around, sometimes...and the internet loves them. What more do you need, other than more sci-fi and snacks.

ETA:
Also, I suck at advice. Don't listen to anything I say about anything.
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Old February 21 2013, 11:34 AM   #139
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

we grew up together, when she died I became very violent for a very long period of time, was i always violent and she kept me calm, or did her death change me?
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Old February 22 2013, 06:52 AM   #140
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

J. Allen wrote: View Post
I hope you don't mind a hug, Sector 7, because you're getting the closest one I can give.

*squeezes Sector 7 tight*
Thanks, J. Allen! I've never turned down a hug.

Jimi_James and Sephiroth, I understand the special pain that comes from losing your one true love. I'll add you to my prayers.
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Old February 22 2013, 07:59 AM   #141
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Jimi_James wrote: View Post
I thought the Internet was for porn, fanfiction, and the inevitable crossover of the two.
So that's the "writing" that you've been doing, huh?

In all seriousness, I know you've shared your story with me before but I still appreciate you being open enough to share it with everyone here. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a loved one like that.

I'm dealing with being the third wheel nowadays which is so annoying because for so long my friends were single and I was with someone, and now I'm single and they're all coupled off. I still have faith in relationships, but having a cat is always an excellent plan as well.
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Old February 22 2013, 08:32 AM   #142
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Cats are always awesome to have around, except when they don't like you.
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Old February 22 2013, 09:32 AM   #143
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

"The art of recognizing the natural end of a relationship and discontinuing it without ill feelings toward the other is what makes a relationship ultimately successful in my opinion."

An important insight!

At the risk of sounding new-agey...

It's important to look beyond "can I find someone" and even beyond "can I keep someone" and begin to accept a more holistic idea of love and relationships in which there are a series of alignments where people wind up naturally connecting, but the flipside is that there are matching disconnects as well. It goes so far beyond the language "oh, he was a jerk" that people love to use after breakups, which is so often a form of self-defense. You can still have warm feelings for someone, but come to the realization that, in the broader sense, it's not the right fit. It could be for someone else, but not for you.

If you try to artificially force a connection to start or to keep one going when it's failing, you risk play-acting. It should not feel like you have to give up who you are, any of your beliefs, goals, or passions, in order to keep the other person satisfied. That's not love. When you start to feel like you're having to do a song-and-dance act, it's time to bow out as gracefully as possible, and that's what I just had to do.

It's ultimately about control. There are benefits in having a relationship we all want, but in order to get it, there has to be mutual interest. And so there's a helplessness to that which we all need to submit to, and that vulnerability NEVER ENDS. Even in the most intimate moments in the sack, it never ends. Some time down the road that person who has filled your memory banks with words of loyalty and commitment can come to you and say she wants to break up or she found someone new. That's the price we all have to pay.

There's a central part of us that might stay the same, but so much of what makes a person who they are changes day-by-day. I'm at an age now (42) where I look back on earlier stages in my life and I can see areas I can relate to, and others where I shake my head over the errors of my ways. It's easy to regret all your past relationships for the simple fact that they don't exist anymore, but they weren't all bad nor were they worthless.

The pain that lingers the most is not missing the person so much as the amicability of the breakup. I can only speak for myself, but the final words exchanged are what lingers. Things like "I was over you months ago". Words which feel so dehumanizing. I really think even when you're the one doing the rejecting that there is a high road one must travel. Don't disregard the other person's humanity or dignity.

If everyone did that, I think the world would be a better place.
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Old February 22 2013, 10:01 AM   #144
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

I think there's space in a relationship to give up a little of who you are and compromise on some things. I can't imagine anyone staying together otherwise. Adapting to the needs of another person is still love.
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Old February 22 2013, 11:27 AM   #145
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Sector 7 wrote: View Post
Mr. Laser Beam wrote: View Post
teacake wrote: View Post
So if a relationship goes bad, would that count as a 'warp core breach'?
J. Allen wrote: View Post
Life's a breach.
I had intended to post: You know you're a hopeless Trekkie when you look at that card and think of Warp Cores and Breaches. However, it looks like I am not alone in that regard.
No, definitely not!
Sephiroth wrote: View Post
what happens when your someone...dies?
I prefer not to think about it, though I did for quite some time when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. Then I was mostly angry, because a healthy young man shouldn't have to face possible death by cancer, and of course, for very selfish reasons, because I wanted to keep him in my life, very much alive.

When I was 20 my then boyfriend committed suicide. I always knew he was fragile, so even though I didn't expect it, it was in line with what could happen. I bawled for months, then I picked up the pieces and moved on, but a shrapnel of regret and grief will always be wedged in my heart.

Though I think we can fit with many people if we make the effort, sometimes it happens, you meet someone who you can't imagine living without. Not because he/she is a missing piece in a puzzle, but because that person gives you a different perspective and is someone to share the good and bad with. I can live without my husband, but I prefer not to because he brightens my day and challenge me to think.
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Old February 22 2013, 11:52 AM   #146
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

You just earned yourself a *HUGS!*
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Old February 22 2013, 01:59 PM   #147
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Thanks.
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Old February 22 2013, 02:24 PM   #148
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

The art of recognizing the natural end of a relationship and discontinuing it without ill feelings toward the other is what makes a relationship ultimately successful in my opinion."
I talked to my ex-wife for an hour last night, and it was comforting about some stuff bothering me. I can attest to that statement.
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Old February 23 2013, 07:45 AM   #149
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Kestra wrote: View Post
Jimi_James wrote: View Post
I thought the Internet was for porn, fanfiction, and the inevitable crossover of the two.
So that's the "writing" that you've been doing, huh?

In all seriousness, I know you've shared your story with me before but I still appreciate you being open enough to share it with everyone here. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a loved one like that.

I'm dealing with being the third wheel nowadays which is so annoying because for so long my friends were single and I was with someone, and now I'm single and they're all coupled off. I still have faith in relationships, but having a cat is always an excellent plan as well.

Well, to sort of tie in to your What are you working on Thread, I've recently realized how self destructive I've been in the past, granted nowhere near the levels of others with more severe problems, but still hindering my own growth and progress...so I'm working rectifying that and trying to moving on. No longer keeping everything bottled up and being honest with others as well as myself, particularly in sharing what I've hidden in the past, is part of that process. At least it's part of the process I've set up for myself.

Whether or not it leads to eventually being able to handle an actually relationship with someone, I don't know. But I do know that I no longer want to feel down and sorry for myself when I see other couples together.


Being the third wheel though is an odd thing, particularly when it's with a larger group of couples and particularly when the odd man/woman out, is single by choice. It creates some sort of weird social dynamic were the other couples are thrown off balance because of the one single person, regardless of the other people there. As I mentioned earlier, for me it's not weird...I'm not the one that has that feeling of being a third wheel unless I'm actually the third wheel with two other people and they've invited me along out of some sort of obligation or pity. The rest of the time, I just want to be around my friends. Any feelings of weirdness are on them, at least from my perspective. Maybe it is awkward for them. I don't know. Either way, I wish it didn't get in the way as much as it does. Stupid social etiquette.
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Old February 23 2013, 07:51 AM   #150
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

If you want to know what awkwardness really feels like--try being a single parent. Being single with no kids is not that tough in comparison. You'd think being a single dad would lead to Mr. Mom syndrome where all the women converge on you, but life is more complicated than that.
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