TNG Caption This! 305: I, Caption

[shivkala]

Worf: Personal Log: Today the Captain made Commander Riker stand for hours during his duty shift. He claimed Riker knew the reason why. This caused me to wonder what in the name of Kahless I must have done to have to stand at my station for the past few years.



Picard: Look at the nacelles on her!

Troi: Excuse me, Captain?

Picard: Ah, the ship, Counselor, I was talking about the ship.

Troi: Sorry, sir, I just thought...

Picard: You just...oh, oh no Counselor, that would be highly unprofessional of me. I wouldn't dream of making comments about you like that.

Troi: Sir, I can't apologize enough for my misunderstanding...

Picard: Think nothing of it, Counselor. Now if you could just stand there for a few minutes while I finish up...Oh man, and that saucer section, the things I could do to that!



Picard: Okay, seriously, this time I did lower the force field, you can touch the area in front of you without getting zapped. I promise.

Hugh touches it and gets zapped

Picard: Tenth time he fell for it, and it's still funny!



Guinan: Still think going as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to this year's Halloween party was a good idea, Captain?



Picard: Very nice work, Data.

Data: Sir, if I may inquire, what do you plan to do with it when we're done.

Picard: Don't worry, it'll go on the fridge like all the other schematics you've made for me over the years, Data.

Data: Promise?

Picard: Yes, Data. Now go be a good android and get yourself ready for your power-down cycle. I'll be in to tuck your cords in once I'm done talking to Geordi.

Data: Can Geordi and I have a sleepover, please, please?

Picard: No, Data, both of you have a duty shift early tomorrow.

Data: We will behave ourselves, I promise.

Picard: Data, don't push it...

[Nerys Myk]

TROI: I don't understand, why the sudden interest in how I payed for College?

PICARD: No reason.

[Vassa]

Riker: (jumps up from his seat, screams) The Borg? NOOOOooo!! (Runs toward turbo lift, as the camera follows, the doors open, Riker jumps in and spins around and screams) No! NO! NOOOOO! (Doors close, camera cuts to shot of crew, everybody sits in an uncomfortable silence for a moment then Worf walks down to stand next to Picard)
Worf: "The Borg, sir."


Picard: "Ahh, Counseler, you wouldn't have any idea what has happened to Number One's self-confidence would you?"
Troi: Do you know who has to listen to all his "Risa this" and "Risa that" crap do you? Every day, Captain. Every Damn Day!"


Picard: Well hello my little viral infection.


Picard: (Muffled by the towel)"Oh god does this remind me of how we met."


Picard: "That's it? "
LaForge: "Well sir I know it doesn't look like much but,..."
Data (interrupting):"It is a two dimensional representation of a four dimensional mathematical construct, sir. What do you want, Fireworks?"

[Triskelion]

Riker: Alien vessel! I am Commander Ugly-Bag-of-Mostly-Water, this is Captain Darmok-and-Jihlad-at-Tanagara, Counselor One-Moon-Circling, and Lieutenant Prune Juice.
Troi <whispering to Picard>: It was just a dare!
Worf <grumbling>: "Lieutenant Prune Juice?" I would kill him where he stands - if he were any other man.
Alien: Uh, nice to meetya, kthx. <ship pulls away>
Picard: Thank goodness I don't have to stand beside Captain Pectoralis from Planet Latisimus Dorsi IIX.




Picard: I want your opinion on the color of the carpet.
Troi: Why me, exactly, Captain?
Picard: Commander Riker said you were an expert on trimming -
Troi: I'm going to stop you right there, sir.
Picard: Sorry Counselor. It's not my fault. You see, the Borg implanted me with a microchip.
Troi: No, they didn't.
Picard: Maybe it was that Cardassian, then.
Troi: Or maybe it was Q.
Picard: Yes! Q.
Troi: Sigh - Is that all, Captain?
Picard: That is all, Counselor.
Troi: <Leaves> Stop watching my rear end, please.
Picard: Q!

Picard: Well then who's Third of Five?

LaForge: Yes.

Picard: I mean the fellow's name.

LaForge: Hugh.

Picard: The guy who is Third of Five.

LaForge: Hugh.

Picard: The Third of Five Borg man.

LaForge: Hugh.

Picard: The guy designated...

LaForge: Hugh is Third of Five!

Picard: I'm asking YOU who's Third of Five!

Picard: All I was trying to find out is what's the Borg's name that's Third of Five.

Guinan: No. Watt is Second of Five.

Picard: I get behind the transport enhancer to do some fancy shooting, Tanagara's scanning on my team and a heavy engineer gets up. Now the heavy engineer shunts the plasma flow through a multiphasic field. When he shunts the plasma flow through a multiphasic field, me, being a good captain, I'm gonna shoot the guy out at base camp. So I pick up the phase rifle and throw it to who?

LaForge: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Picard: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

Data: Oh. I see what is going on here.

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Hugh: No, no, Captain, just wait a minute...don't return me to the Collective, just let me demonstrate how much I've learned about humanity.

(pause)

Oppa Gangnam Style...

[Triskelion]

Data: As you can see, Captain, the apparatus is designed to redirect molecular cohesion by converting subspace anion flux around symmetrical triaxilating waveguide nodes. However I have detected that in application, the proposed elongation effects are offset by an inverse loss of girth.

Geordi: In short, it doesn't work.

Data: Is that not what I just said?

Picard: There's $29.95 down the sonic toilet.

[Honorable Ensign]

Riker hated when Picard made him apologize for seducing ambassadors' girlfriends.


Picard: It seems our supply of chocolate is unusually low. I want you to look into this, Counselor.

[LeadHead]

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