Do you believe there is someone for every person?

[B.J.]

J. Allen wrote:

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Yeah, the idea that there is someone who fits perfectly isn't at all realistic, and even as a hopeless romantic I'm not deluded by the idea that someone who likes me is going to be exactly who I am looking for (preposition, sorry!).

CorporalClegg wrote:

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I admit I'm somewhat conflicted about this and had to think about it for a bit.

The rational skeptic in me says "No, of course not." Obviously, there are some people better suited than others, but as J. says, it's ultimately a roll of the dice.

However, I am an old-fashioned romantic to a fault. To that end, part of me believes there is such a thing as gooey-eyed love at first sight, and that, that person will love me unconditionally should I ever be fortunate enough to meet her.

Just to put another datapoint on all of this (and possible give J. some hope!), I do believe that there is the perfect person out there for some people, and I believe in love at first sight. That's because it's what happened to me. Met my wife 19 years ago next month, been married for 15 1/2, and still very much in love. We've never had a fight, hardly ever disagreed, and have frequently accused each other of sharing a brain. What's amazing to me is not that we really do fit perfectly together, but it's that we met by complete random chance. Had either of us been 5 minutes off, we would have never met.

[CorporalClegg]

Trekker4747 wrote:

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And... I just threw up.

Need a towel?

B.J. wrote:

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Just to put another datapoint on all of this (and possible give J. some hope!), I do believe that there is the perfect person out there for some people, and I believe in love at first sight. That's because it's what happened to me. Met my wife 19 years ago next month, been married for 15 1/2, and still very much in love. We've never had a fight, hardly ever disagreed, and have frequently accused each other of sharing a brain. What's amazing to me is not that we really do fit perfectly together, but it's that we met by complete random chance. Had either of us been 5 minutes off, we would have never met.

Awesome story!

[MacLeod]

The cynic in me says no, the romantic side of me says yes.

Of course reality is no doubt somewhere in between the two.

[Gul Re'jal]

I believe everyone can find someone. I don't believe there is one destined person. I refuse to believe there is someone written for each of us, including me, because: a) that means I didn't really love anyone before, which is BS, because each time I thought he was the one; and b) what are the chances of meeting The One with billions of people spread over several huge continents?

Generally, I don't believe in any "destiny" stuff. Love including.

[Mr Awe]

J., yes I do. In fact, there are multiple "someones" for everyone. What I mean by that is that there isn't just ONE special someone for you. There's a bunch of them around, even if you're particular, which you should be. Get yourself out there and meet people. That special someone is out there but if that person isn't already in your social circle, you'll have to expand it.

Mr Awe

[Shanndee]

B.J. wrote:

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Just to put another datapoint on all of this (and possible give J. some hope!), I do believe that there is the perfect person out there for some people, and I believe in love at first sight. That's because it's what happened to me. Met my wife 19 years ago next month, been married for 15 1/2, and still very much in love. We've never had a fight, hardly ever disagreed, and have frequently accused each other of sharing a brain. What's amazing to me is not that we really do fit perfectly together, but it's that we met by complete random chance. Had either of us been 5 minutes off, we would have never met.

I loved reading this B.J! It is very much like my relationship with my husband! We have been married 14 years (together for 18) and we are still very happy, don't fight, and often finish each others sentences. It wasn't completely random when we met...but it was accidental. So, never give up hope!

...and to the people who believe they will always be alone or don't believe in love...when you are that negative everyone around you can see it. No-one (including potential new friends) wants to be around that much negativity. It only brings them down as well. It then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I know it is incredibly difficult...but becoming a more positive person attracts people. (I speak from experience here...I used to feel the way you do...) It is not easy, but it is really important to be positive and to learn to like yourself.

I'll get off my soap box now.

[Gary Mitchell]

I believe it but my someone is now married to someone else.

[teacake]

Gary7 wrote:

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I agree with a lot of what has been said, but finding that person is mostly luck. But you can increase your chances by doing a few simple things:

1. Make yourself available. Sitting at home is the worst thing you can do. On-line dating is better than nothing, but pales in comparison to being out in the real world, meeting real people with few pretenses.
2. Show that you care about yourself, by making an effort with your appearance. BE CLEAN.
3. Be sociable, but leave desperation far away. Keep an eye out, but don't hunt like you're just dying to find someone.

Yes you won't have any luck catching fish if you don't actually go fishing. Also all that practice is going to help you when you do meet someone who likes you.

Really I think if you're lonely and not so young that you think you have plenty of time you need to work on meeting people especially if you're not in a super social job. If you're feeling the pressure of being alone, press back. A lot of people do not do this. They usually have lots of reasons why they don't get out there and try, none of which make a lick of sense.

Reasons I've personally heard:

They have some ideal whether romantic or spiritual that means the universe or jesus or karma is going to take care of them and bring that person right to their doorstep. Going out and searching would mean you don't have faith in the wonderfulness of whoever you think is looking out for you. These people talk a lot about patience and faith and real love being worth waiting for.

They are focused on not wanting to get hurt. They have been hurt before (usually this means they asked someone out and the person said "no") and they are not ready to risk that again. Sometimes they present this as being because they are just sooooo sensitive. Okay well for fucks sake you are not made of glass, get over it this is a human experience and not something that makes you too special to try. I'm not talking about people who had terrible things happen in serious relationships, I'm talking about people who talk like this about rejections and not being the hot looking one girls/guys like.

Feeling trapped by their current life circumstances. It's always a better job or living situation or losing weight or the dependance of their kids, parents, loser siblings.. whoever, SOMEONE who depends on them and so they really can't fit a relationship into their life until some huge long list of circumstances changes, but they are still lonely. I had an older friend who when I met her was like this about her young adult kids and is now like this about her grandkids so basically she'll never be in a place she considers spacious enough to include someone else even though she is desperately lonely.

Here's a fact: if you have been alone for a long time and relationships seem very hard then working on getting a relationship is going to mean getting out of your comfort zone. Even if we feel like our life is fucked in some way it is still our comfort zone because it seems that much harder to do something about it than to continue on in it. A lot of it is habit, you become comfortable with what life serves up to you without any effort on your part to obtain it. Doing something radically different is going to affect your comfort zone and it's incredible how possessive people are of that comfort zone, how they freak out that it might get altered in some way. But that's what an active, growing, dynamic life does, it alters. It's pretty hard if you've passively allowed life to happen around you for years to see that there are other ways of being, especially since those ways are going to have costs and risks.

I've had RL friends now who have spent over 20 years in these situations, all the time never making any direct moves to meeting someone. It's frustrating and sad. That is why I am lecturing you all now

[Gary7]

Gary Mitchell wrote:

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I believe it but my someone is now married to someone else.

Deja-vu... happened to me. Was smitten with this girl, she seemed really into me. We'd met at the end of my freshman year spring semester in college. I didn't have the guts to get her contact info to keep in touch over the break. When I came back, I'd mustered up the courage to ask her out. I'll never forget that day when I looked her up, she glowed with all of this enthusiasm in seeing me, and when I took the chance to ask her out I learned the horrible reality of doom. Over the summer she met a guy who went to our university. He got to her ahead of me.

We kept in touch via "group friendship" over the next couple of years. They stayed together and when I decided to head off for the USAF, the last I saw of them was their engagement party. Maybe the pent up anticipation I had over the summer made me desire her more than I should have, and the slam in the face of "you're too late" made it worse. I was so bitter with fate for quite a long time after that...

[Rageforthemachine]

I was alone, miserable, socially awkward, never on a real date, and unwillingly virginal for the first 29 years of my life and convinced I could not be loved and would be alone for the rest of my life. Next Thursday I am getting married. If you are willing to put yourself out there you can find someone.

[B.J.]

^ Congratulations!

[J. Allen]

Congratulations, Rage, may you have a long and happy life.

[Naira]

Of course there is someone for every person. Actually, I believe there are many other persons for each of us. However, each such "candidate" has to be at the right time/space point for you to find them.

[Emher]

rageforthemachine, that's great! Congrats man!

teacake, I know exactly my excuse. And I'm trying to work with it. I'm afraid. Afraid of jumping into a scene I don't really know. To work with my social anxieties and just try and be relaxed and flirtatious.

Also...a quick question. Tomorrow morning I will be having a meeting with a woman regarding another matter...we've only met once before but I find her absolutely mesmerizing. Is asking her out for a cup of coffee completely insane? Or should I just be a bit flirtatious? Sorry for scarce details, gotta go to work at the moment.

[J. Allen]

Emher wrote:

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rageforthemachine, that's great! Congrats man!

teacake, I know exactly my excuse. And I'm trying to work with it. I'm afraid. Afraid of jumping into a scene I don't really know. To work with my social anxieties and just try and be relaxed and flirtatious.

Also...a quick question. Tomorrow morning I will be having a meeting with a woman regarding another matter...we've only met once before but I find her absolutely mesmerizing. Is asking her out for a cup of coffee completely insane? Or should I just be a bit flirtatious? Sorry for scarce details, gotta go to work at the moment.

Just my opinion, of course, but I think you should ask her out for a cup of coffee. You don't know until you try, and a simple cup of coffee is a great place to start, presuming she likes coffee, of course.