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Old February 12 2013, 09:51 PM   #16
C.E. Evans
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

I do think there's someone for everyone but no guarantee that everyone will find someone.
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Old February 12 2013, 09:51 PM   #17
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

RoJoHen wrote: View Post
Unless you're some kind of psychopathic murderer rapist, there is someone out there for you. Sometimes they're hard to spot, and if you're not paying attention, they will probably pass you by.
Or you'll pass them by because you are a douche. Or so full of your ideals you don't see real people. Or welded to some beauty standard that dismisses 95% of everyone including yourself though you don't realize that.

Not you personally RoJo .. but really I think "how likable, flexible, able to allow another person into my life am I" is a question that many should ask. It's not about "where is MY SPESHUL PERSON?!" as much as "am I ready to be someone else's special person?"

And no reflection on the OP either, just the topic.
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Old February 12 2013, 09:54 PM   #18
J. Allen
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

auntiehill wrote: View Post
Lots of people could be potential mates for each other---however, people are often not willing to compromise; they expect perfection right off the bat and that simply doesn't happen.
Yeah, the idea that there is someone who fits perfectly isn't at all realistic, and even as a hopeless romantic I'm not deluded by the idea that someone who likes me is going to be exactly who I am looking for (preposition, sorry!).


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It's a weird way to frame it. There are different things at work. Is there someone who will find you attractive? Is there someone out there who will find you compatible for a long term relationship? And implied in these is that you reciprocate. It doesn't do you any good if someone is attracted to you if you aren't attracted to them, for example.

In terms of relationships, my views are obviously changing now. I mean, I know I can find someone who wants to be with me in the short term. But can I find someone who I am compatible with who is also mature and would make a dedicated long term partner? That gets into personality traits that you need for long term relationships independent of personal compatibility issues.

With so many people in the world, yes, there is probably someone out there who would be into you (general you). But like you said, it doesn't do you any good if they are on the other side of the world. So instead, we do things to increase our chances of compatibility. You work on making yourself more attractive to a wide range of people instead of a select few. You learn to be flexible and compromise in a relationship because no one will ever complement you exactly.

You can't go looking for someone to make your life whole. I've been on the receiving end of that and it's way too much pressure. Learn to be a whole person and attach your life to another's because you want to, not because you need to.
Yes. This.
I think part of it is just a roll of the dice. I've known couples who met, fell in love, and two weeks later were married, and they've been married 20 years and are still happy. It can happen.

I think rolling with changes is probably the way to go. Things happen, people change, lives change, that doesn't necessarily mean things have to end for that couple. It likely comes down to perception.

Now, I'll admit that one of the reasons I use the term "make whole" is because I'm a very lonely person, and I do feel that having a companion is a giant hole in my life. I don't live to find someone to fill it, but my life is very noticeably empty without that companionship. Also, sex.

I'm a very social person, giddily gregarious even, and I love to connect with people. I'm the most emotionally flexible person I know, and while I'm not the smartest person in the room, or the most handsome, I can hold discussions on a broad range of topics, my interests are many and varied, and I have a high level of empathy.

In terms of perceived wants, I fit the bill for many people. Of course what is perceived and what is achieved are two entirely different brands of macaroni and cheese. I think it comes back to beauty being in the eye of the beholder.

teacake wrote: View Post
RoJoHen wrote: View Post
Unless you're some kind of psychopathic murderer rapist, there is someone out there for you. Sometimes they're hard to spot, and if you're not paying attention, they will probably pass you by.
Or you'll pass them by because you are a douche. Or so full of your ideals you don't see real people. Or welded to some beauty standard that dismisses 95% of everyone including yourself though you don't realize that.

Not you personally RoJo .. but really I think "how likable, flexible, able to allow another person into my life am I" is a question that many should ask. It's not about "where is MY SPESHUL PERSON?!" as much as "am I ready to be someone else's special person?"

And no reflection on the OP either, just the topic.
BAM! Right on the money, when it comes to how I see things. I consider myself absurdly flexible in some respects, and I wouldn't force someone to contort themselves to my idea of perfection. Personally, I don't believe in a literal perfection, though emotionally I may consider someone "perfect".
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Old February 12 2013, 10:15 PM   #19
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

J. Allen wrote: View Post

teacake wrote: View Post
RoJoHen wrote: View Post
Unless you're some kind of psychopathic murderer rapist, there is someone out there for you. Sometimes they're hard to spot, and if you're not paying attention, they will probably pass you by.
Or you'll pass them by because you are a douche. Or so full of your ideals you don't see real people. Or welded to some beauty standard that dismisses 95% of everyone including yourself though you don't realize that.

Not you personally RoJo .. but really I think "how likable, flexible, able to allow another person into my life am I" is a question that many should ask. It's not about "where is MY SPESHUL PERSON?!" as much as "am I ready to be someone else's special person?"

And no reflection on the OP either, just the topic.
BAM! Right on the money, when it comes to how I see things. I consider myself absurdly flexible in some respects, and I wouldn't force someone to contort themselves to my idea of perfection. Personally, I don't believe in a literal perfection, though emotionally I may consider someone "perfect".
I agree...to a point. I am very open and accepting of most people, and as a result I have a lot of very good friends (more, honestly, than I ever thought I could have). But when it comes to finding one's "soulmate" or "life partner" or whatever, I think there is good reason to be picky.

Sure, I could be happy living with somebody and starting a family with somebody and probably be generally content, but I personally want something more than that. Being content is boring.
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Old February 12 2013, 10:45 PM   #20
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

I am "confident" but not "certain" that there is someone for everyone.
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Old February 12 2013, 10:57 PM   #21
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

J. Allen wrote: View Post
I do think in terms of rationality, but as I say, I am a romantic, and so there are romanticisms that make little logical sense that I like to entertain.
I'm a romantic turned rationalist. I used to believe in a one, but I decided: fuck that shit. Theree are so many wondeful people that surely there is high enough probability to make it work with several of those? I mean, not at the same time, I don't want to move to Utah or anything.
Kestra wrote: View Post
You can't go looking for someone to make your life whole. I've been on the receiving end of that and it's way too much pressure. Learn to be a whole person and attach your life to another's because you want to, not because you need to.
Also this. More parts of Kestra's post, but especially this. I did this. I defined my happiness with a relationship and basically lived for one girl. And that is dangerous as I found out.

Kes also make the point of making one self attractive to a wide range of people, and J. as you bring up you are aware of your "shortcomings". And that's a great place to start. I know that with certain types of women, I will never have a shot, for they will never see past my physique or my geekness. And while I'm totally fine with that, I wouldn't want to be with them anyway, it does also help me make boundaries of what I focus my energy on.

And J., you know I know what you mean with filling that hole in your life. That need for companionship. Also, sex.

I don't quite know what else to say except...bro hug?
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Old February 12 2013, 11:00 PM   #22
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

I don't believe for a minute. I don't even believe in love.
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Old February 12 2013, 11:26 PM   #23
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

I don't believe in this in a supernatural sense. I don't believe there are people who are going to be 100% like you or share 100% of your interests, BUT I do believe that in this highly populated world, that there is someone who'll closely relate and want to be with just about anyone, in every size, shape, gender(s) and color, this even includes psychopaths. I don't believe that they will magically come to you, you have to put yourself out there...sometimes it's as easy as a chance meeting, but more usually you'll have to work at it.

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Old February 12 2013, 11:42 PM   #24
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Bigjoe wrote: View Post
RoJoHen wrote: View Post
Unless you're some kind of psychopathic murderer rapist, there is someone out there for you. Sometimes they're hard to spot, and if you're not paying attention, they will probably pass you by.
I have to agree,so long as your looking for Love it will show itself to you.
I agree with a lot of what has been said, but finding that person is mostly luck. But you can increase your chances by doing a few simple things:

1. Make yourself available. Sitting at home is the worst thing you can do. On-line dating is better than nothing, but pales in comparison to being out in the real world, meeting real people with few pretenses.
2. Show that you care about yourself, by making an effort with your appearance. BE CLEAN.
3. Be sociable, but leave desperation far away. Keep an eye out, but don't hunt like you're just dying to find someone.

There isn't *ONE* person for each person out there. Multiple candidates exist. The "best" one will never be known, because you can't corner a handful, date each one, then pick your favorite. Life just doesn't work that way.

I knew a guy once who moved to Manhattan, the lower east side. He got into the dating scene and kept at it for years. He had dates, a few short relationships, but everything kept coming up short. Then while taking a flight for a trip, he was stopped over in Atlanta. He made idle chit-chat with a girl in the waiting area. Turned out their seats weren't far from each other on the plane and when the woman sitting next to him saw their brief attempts at communication, she offered to switch seats. So they sat together on the flight, talked and talked. She was living in the NY area too (Brooklyn). They started dating, things worked out, they married (I wasn't close enough friends with him to attend the wedding), and moved to Seattle where I presume they're living happily ever after.

So... while living in a densely populated area doesn't guarantee success, it will certainly increase your odds!
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Old February 12 2013, 11:45 PM   #25
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Honestly, no. I have a very hard time believing that there is someone out there for me that can love me despite my numerous faults. I've long been resigned to the thought of remaining alone for the rest of my life.
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Old February 12 2013, 11:53 PM   #26
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

OdoWanKenobi wrote: View Post
Honestly, no. I have a very hard time believing that there is someone out there for me that can love me despite my numerous faults. I've long been resigned to the thought of remaining alone for the rest of my life.
Same here, mostly. I mean, I hate the idea of it but I'm afraid it is what is going to happen.
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Old February 12 2013, 11:59 PM   #27
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

J. Allen wrote: View Post
Now, I'll admit that one of the reasons I use the term "make whole" is because I'm a very lonely person, and I do feel that having a companion is a giant hole in my life. I don't live to find someone to fill it, but my life is very noticeably empty without that companionship. Also, sex.
I guess I just see it differently. I definitely miss the companionship of being with someone, although there are nice things about being single! But while my life may have a missing piece in it, I don't believe I do as a person.

RAMA wrote: View Post
I don't believe in this in a supernatural sense. I don't believe there are people who are going to be 100% like you or share 100% of your interests, BUT I do believe that in this highly populated world, that there is someone who'll closely relate and want to be with just about anyone, in every size, shape, gender(s) and color, this even includes psychopaths. I don't believe that they will magically come to you, you have to put yourself out there...sometimes it's as easy as a chance meeting, but more usually you'll have to work at it.

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Old February 13 2013, 12:05 AM   #28
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

Kestra wrote: View Post
J. Allen wrote: View Post
Now, I'll admit that one of the reasons I use the term "make whole" is because I'm a very lonely person, and I do feel that having a companion is a giant hole in my life. I don't live to find someone to fill it, but my life is very noticeably empty without that companionship. Also, sex.
I guess I just see it differently. I definitely miss the companionship of being with someone, although there are nice things about being single! But while my life may have a missing piece in it, I don't believe I do as a person.
That's great that you feel that!
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Old February 13 2013, 12:07 AM   #29
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

I admit I'm somewhat conflicted about this and had to think about it for a bit.

The rational skeptic in me says "No, of course not." Obviously, there are some people better suited than others, but as J. says, it's ultimately a roll of the dice.

However, I am an old-fashioned romantic to a fault. To that end, part of me believes there is such a thing as gooey-eyed love at first sight, and that, that person will love me unconditionally should I ever be fortunate enough to meet her.
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Old February 13 2013, 12:28 AM   #30
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Re: Do you believe there is someone for every person?

CorporalClegg wrote: View Post
I admit I'm somewhat conflicted about this and had to think about it for a bit.

The rational skeptic in me says "No, of course not." Obviously, there are some people better suited than others, but as J. says, it's ultimately a roll of the dice.

However, I am an old-fashioned romantic to a fault. To that end, part of me believes there is such a thing as gooey-eyed love at first sight, and that, that person will love me unconditionally should I ever be fortunate enough to meet her.
And... I just threw up.
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