TNG Caption This! 300: Captain, we're passing 300 contests!

[JirinPanthosa]

CAPTAIN: What? No, we were happy for you that you got the powers of the Q. We were just messing with you. Don't tell me you actually turned them down!



PICARD: Beverly, how did you know it was my birthday?



BEVERLY: Captain, Commander Riker has been trying to replicate my pheromones so he can spray his girlfriends with them. That's just creepy and...he's staring at me right now, isn't he?



FRAKES: Patrick, you're a 49 year old actor playing a 60 year old who looks like he's 70. How is that even possible?



WORF: Oh crap, the targ I smuggled aboard got out of my quarters. I mean, erm...look at the hallucination, everyone! It's a klingon targ!

[Herkimer Jitty]

Picard: "Commander, Starfleet is not in the business of interfering with other cultures."

Riker: "Since when?"



Picard: "Blast! I totally forgot it was Tutu Tuesday!"



Crusher: "Captain, I've had the chance to scan the patient. It doesn't look good. There are squiggly computer graphics in his belly."



Picard: "Good lord. I can't stand to look right at your glossy chin. Its shinier than my head, for heavens sake!"



Worf: "My pet targ! That or a feral kra'pla, a hostile predator that looks exactly like a targ."

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Good to see someone with respect for the classics. I don't get modern dancing.

[inflatabledalek]

FTW and congats on charting our mental degeneration 300 times.



Picard: This is my handle, and this is my sprout.



Picard: Nobody likes a show off.



Crusher: And this graph shows how much Commander Riker needs to cut back on his eating.



Picard: I think you're over reacting Number One. He may wear what looks suspiciously like a track suit and be very interested in the boy but I doubt The Traveler is a time traveling Jimmy Savile.




Worf: The smugness of this blueshirt offends my honour.

[hux]

Riker: Sorry Sir, but you know the rules......who ever smelt it, dealt it

[Holdfast]

PICARD: No, you're doing it all wrong. Watch carefully; this is how you do "I'm a little teapot, short & stout".





PICARD (thinking): The Dancing Doctor has snared another recruit.





CRUSHER: Look, on my salary, I have to go to Supercuts, OK?!





RIKER: But have you seen Dr Crusher's hair today?
PICARD: Yes, frightening, I know. It is a good argument for giving her a pay rise.




SCIENCE STATION ENSIGN (thinking): If every time Worf shouts at me, I press this button and give him an electric shock, I wonder how soon he'll learn...

[NX-01]

Crusher - Hey Jean-Luc!! I didn't distract you on your go!! I have to remove the butterflies!!!

Picard (Chanting) - Choke Choke Choke!!!!

Riker - OMG! These are the people I trust my life to!!!



Picard - I want a new 2nd officer. I am sick of that know-it-all....

Riker - Erm Captian...

Picard - Don't interupt me Number 1. I mean he is so annoying with his billions of calculations per second....

Riker - Captian...

Picard - Shush Number 1....

Riker - I REALLY need to stop you there...

Picard - Damn it he's behind me isn't he.

Data - Yes sir.



Picard (Thinking) - I's always ballet and classical music, what I wouldn't give for a good old rock concert...



Crusher - Now commander, this won't hurt too much. I will need to instert this into your urethra and extract a fluid sample.

Riker - And there is no less invasive way of doing this?

Crusher - No this is the only way to check for Rician Syphilis.

Riker - Will it hurt?

Crusher - Not compared to the pain Deanna will inflict on you when she finds out.



Riker - I have been informed I have to tell everyone I have been initimate with that I have Rician Syphilis......You should get yourself tested.

Picard - Not again. This time Number 1 I mean it when I say we are not drinking Romulan Ale together again.

Riker - (Sighs) Yes sir.



Worf - Wesley!! Put your penis away!!!

[The Mole]

Patrick: Where's Brent?

Jonathan: He can't make it. Don't worry, the boffins in FX said they can add him later

Patrick: Really? They can do that?

Jonathan: Yeah... providing they don't run out of budget. Then it would be pretty crappy.

[NX-01]

^ OMG Love it!!!

[NX-01]

Picard - She said no...

Riker - I am sorry to hear that.

Picard - That stupid Ferrengi Salesman said I would be irresistible to woman and that no body would notice. She said no and everyone is laughing at me!!

Riker - Notice? Notice what?

Data - Comander I believe he is refering to his tupee!

Picard - SOB!!

Data - I find it quite dashing sir....

[Triskelion]

Geordi: I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself, sir. You really can win a staring contest against multiple opponents!

Riker: That's why he's the Captain.

Picard: It's all in the catheter.




Picard: Computer, has this crewman qualified for bridge operations?
Computer: Negative, she has a life.
Picard: That explains the douchebags I get stuck with.




Don't worry about the STD's ruining your life, crewman. Some people go on to become First Officers with far worse cases than this.




Picard: If you call dibs on Troi, you can't call dibs on Tasha.

Riker: Geordi called dibs on Tasha.

Picard: Be serious, Number One.




Who gave me a ritual suicide knife for Klingon Valentine's Day?

[ThankQ]

I love your new hair, Doctor. I'm serious, I've never seen anyone who can rock the "wet dog" look quite like you can.



Riker: Actually, Captain, Troi and I were going to the holodeck to check out "These are the Voyages..."

Picard: That one is crap. Put that off till you've seen the rest. Oh, you should check out "Shockwave, Part II". Sato gets her shirt ripped off crawling out of a Jeffries Tube and opens the door with her arms crossed like this. It's the dogs bollocks, Number One.




I protest! Klingons do not "vibe gay"!

[captain crow]

[Worf lets out a wet chunky fart]

Worf, quitely: Oh, man.

[Worf starts to shuffle walk stiff legged towards the bridge head]

Blue Barry, not looking away from console: You sharted didn't you?

Worf, unconvincingly: NO.

[uberfalcon]

Picard: Computer--increase age, lose the eyebrows, and add a ridiculous hat... Save program as "Picard-Bartender-Delta."

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Riker: Doctor, I need some primal laughter therapy. Please, say the word "croissant"...just once.