VOY Caption This 98; Con and Conditionality

[Ln X]

The weekend starts here with the latest caption contest!!!

Our winners are...

Antni wrote:

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Chakotay: you ready Kathryn? We're already late.
Janeway: yeah just this last body to cremate then I'm all yours.

Triskelion wrote:

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Kellin: I'm on a Talaxian diet.
Chakotay: You only eat Leola root?
Kellin: I only eat Talaxians.
Chakotay: You're a week too late.

LeadHead wrote:

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B'Elanna: And so then, I reprogrammed your father to not speak at the dinner table ever again.

Wife and Children: THANK YOU!

Finn wrote:

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B'Elanna: Why do I smell lube on this pillow?

Tom: (OS) Sorry, I was working on the Camaro in the holodeck before coming home last night.

JirinPanthosa wrote:

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PARIS: So I replicated a Risan horgon, and showed it to Seven, and she took it completely the wrong way.

And now the special award:

R. Star wrote:

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EMH: What do you think of my family?
Torres: Your wife sets women's rights back 400 years, your son is going to grow up used to the feeling of daily wedgies and your daughter just makes me want to hurl.

AND, as a bonus we have an 'on theme' award, the theme being 'sense and sensibility'.

Triskelion wrote:

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We were hoping you'd promote one of us to First Officer. Look how wooden we can be!

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Our theme is con and conditionality, I'm too tired to explain myself so here's five more pictures below for you to get your captioning mitts on!

Also up for grabs is a 'on theme' award (and next time I'll provide a nice little picture for this award...).











Next caption contest is on the 18th of January!

Have fun!

[Ln X]

How to kill ones captain, give them a 'gift' of a strangulating plant...


Neelix: And for some extra merchandise, I'll keep silent about your clan trying to spike the captain's coffee during this meeting...


Doctor: He mated with a hologram! Isn't that great?


Janeway: A hyper-drive squishy machine? This is a joke right? Right... ?


Zombie Borg!

[R. Star]

Thanks for the win!



Plant: Lieutenant Vilix'pran reporting for duty. I'm afraid I'm budding again.



Neelix: Yeah that's right, I'm Captain Janeway's top negotiator every time she has to deal with a dangerous species that might kill her--- oh, now I get why I got the job.



EMH: After successfully providing Ensign Vorik with a holographic mate, I took the liberty of programing you one too Captain. He's waiting for you on holodeck two.



Janeway: TV seven? Aren't you a little more sophisticated than that.
Seven: Your taunting is irrelevant. I shall assimilate all information on the Sopranos.



Borg: I wish the Voyager writers remembered we're supposed to self-destruct when we die. That sure would beat sitting here, slowly decaying over the years and I swear that vulture is chewing on my genitals.

[Honorable Ensign]

Janeway: I'm sorry all of the fish in your aquarium died, Seven. Next time, try feeding them.

[Gil T.Azell]

Even the Borg got tired of waiting for the Leafs to win the cup.!

[Nerys Myk]

NEELIX: So...you got any weed?

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Janeway: I'm not Seymour and I'm not going to feed you. So there.



Borg: Welcome to another episode of Tales from the Collective Crypt.

[Finn]

Thanks for the win!




Have you ever wondered what happens when the Borg tries to assimilate a Talaxian Leola farmer?

[Triskelion]

Thanks for the wins, Ln X!Woo hoo!

Janeway to bridge, I need a volunteer to help me trim my bush.
...
Janeway to bridge, I need a volunteer to help me trim my bush.
...
Janeway to bridge, I need a volunteer to help me get rid of this plant.

<doorbell rings>




Neelix: ...but as it turned out, it was literally just a plant.

Kazon: This kind of thing happens to me all the time.

Neelix: Oh? Do you have these funny little miscommunications too?

Kazon: No. I force crewmen to shave my bikini area.




The bad news is that Vorik went through three holograms before he could initiate pon farr without crying.

And the good news, Doctor?

We've got the whole thing on video.




You don't seem shocked, Seven?

I am not. The Borg acquired knowledge of Smurf porn holography when we assimilated species 3521 on Stardate 23453.4.

This is no hologram, Seven.

Intriguing....



Chakotay: Looks like this Borg died with his pants around his ankles.
Seven: How do you shit in the woods, Commander?

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Janeway: "I thought the Leola root was disgusting. The Leola plant is worse. Security!"



Neelix: "Confidentially, between you and me. Her one flaw is that she keeps on and on about her pecan pie. How can one person be so obsessed about a foodstuff? But she's a fine Captain."



EMH: "He's attempting to learn yogic flying. I'll then give him a treatise on homeopathic medicine. I then intend to introduce him to the Church of Scientology. I want to see how much new age bullshit he takes seriously before he realises..."
Janeway: "And you're doing this why?"
EMH: "It's a bit of a laugh, really."



Janeway: "What is it?"
Seven: "It is... it is... it's blue."
Janeway: "You've been spending too much time in Engineering."
Seven: "Want a glass?"
Janeway: "Make it a double."



Kim: "Who is it?"
Paris: "Forrestal. A competitor. He was good, very good."
Kim: "I dunno Tom, this Idaho Smith and The Raiders of the Lost Vinculum program doesn't look as much fun as Captain Proton."
Paris: "Stay in character, Harry. Besides, we're just getting to the good bit."
Kim: "I've seen ahead to what happens to the sidekick. It's not a good bit for me."

[jespah]

That's the last time we recruit a Triffid commander.



You ever get that ... not so fresh ... feeling?



Captain, we'll be starting another session of Sex Yoga in 10 minutes, if you'd care to join Mr. Vorik and me.



Seven: Captain, I do not recommend ingesting the brown acid.



Chakotay: Now that we know this about the Borg, time to test our theory about the Pope's Catholicism, Harry.

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Borg: I used to travel the galaxy like you. Then I took an arrow in the ocular implant.

[NX-01]

Janeway - How could have I let my bush get so out of hand.
Paris (out of shot) - Snickering
Janeway - I don't see what is so amusing.



Neelix - Do you have any Talaxian Viagra? ... for a friend...



Doctor - I have programed the holodeck to produce a mate for him.
Janeway (smirking) - That is good.
Doctor - Captian, this is not funny!
Janeway - Of course not Doctor (Laughs out loud)



Captian- What is that?
Seven - A Vat of seamen I collected from the crew.
Captian - You collected?
Seven - Yes
Captian - Why....in fact never mind I don't want to know.

[Triskelion]

Neelix: Be advised that when the Captain offers you her "Pecan Pie" she is referring to her vagina.

Kazon: Is that some kind of housecat?

[Bry_Sinclair]

Janeway's first meeting with Ambassador Flora of Triffid IV didn't go as smoothly as she'd hoped.



Neelix: What can I get for a two year old Ocampa female?



Doctor: My holographic mate treatment worked perfectly, though as I understand it the holodeck was left in a bit of a mess.
Janeway: Doctor, that's to your 'treatment' regime, I have have five fertilised gelpacks!



Janeway: So this is what a Vulcan-gelpack hybrid looks like.



Drone: We are the Zombie Borg. We will eat your brains. Resistance is futile.