I gotta vent, because this is outrageous.

[Tom Riker]

Whelp, I'm officially out of it, she's taking him back and working it out. When it all went down, since he met the girl at the race track, she to sell his race care and give up racing, which he's not going to do. So nothing is going to be resolved. he's going to see this girl every weekend when he goes to race.

Start the countdown for the next indiscretion. Took him 7 months since they day of the wedding the first time. I'll give him a year this time.

[Admiral2]

Tom Riker wrote:

---

So my wife found out Friday that her sister's husband has been cheating on her. they were married in October 2011 and the affair started in july 2012.

at first he told her it only happend once and that the woman "seduced" him and threw herself at him. Fine. An ooops I can forgive, but as it went on, it turned into a 5 month affair having sex dozens of times.

So at this point, i'm mad, I'm staying out of, letting them work it out. They are 22 are 24 years old. I'm not perfect, I'm not going to be smug and act like a saint.

But last night before bed I blew my stack. Her sister called and said they got more into it and he admitted to her that when he told his parents about it, his father said he didn't blame him for doing it because my sister in law is controlling and bossy.

Then.... and this is what has me posting here... and trying NOT to just go beat the fuck out of this ignorant white trash bumkin.... he told her the reason he cheated is because she is never on top during sex and won't do anal.

I didn't sleep last night. I think of this girl as a little sister and I just want to get my hands around this idiots throat.

Talk me down.

Talk you down? Screw that! Go take that dumb son of a bitch down!

[Tom Riker]

Admiral2 wrote:

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Talk you down? Screw that! Go take that dumb son of a bitch down!

Now we're in full Jerry Springer territory where if we say anything to her she's going to get mad at us. I've seen this a thousand times.

My own best friend went through this. I told him not to marry his girlfriend because I knew all the stories about her, he got mad at me and we didn't speak for nearly 5 years. Shortly after she had an affair and left him, 2 kids and a foreclosed house later, he lives in a small apartment and is dealing with severe depression.

People are stubborn things. And it makes me mad that they just won't listen to me !

[sonak]

Kestra wrote:

---

There's really no reason to reply like that. To many people, thirty marks a certain milestone. People are generally more established career-wise and financially, and are more likely to know what is important to them. It's not some hard and fast rule and I didn't say that I agreed that no one should get married before thirty. I believe that there are plenty of people who know what they want at a younger age. But I don't believe that the number is picked completely arbitrarily.

Discussion is possible without so much snark.

It was a rather mildly sarcastic response to the post, and hardly a reason to react in such a thin-skinned and defensive matter. But sorry if you were insulted.


And I believe that the trend of later marriages has little or nothing to do with "maturity," which often has little to do with age. It's about economics-high-school and college graduates can't rely on decent and secure jobs anymore, so they can't settle down to get married or start a family as early anymore.

[Kestra]

sonak wrote:

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It was a rather mildly sarcastic response to the post, and hardly a reason to react in such a thin-skinned and defensive matter. But sorry if you were insulted.


And I believe that the trend of later marriages has little or nothing to do with "maturity," which often has little to do with age. It's about economics-high-school and college graduates can't rely on decent and secure jobs anymore, so they can't settle down to get married or start a family as early anymore.

I think there's the trend, possibly for the reasons you've stated, but then there are also who believe that people should get married later for psychological reasons. I was speaking of people who were taking about "should" rather than the statistics of what actually happens.

[Brolan]

I'll share something I learned years ago. You cannot safely criticize a person's lover, no matter how close you are to them. I don't know if it is a biological protection or something, but people in love see the criticism as an attack on their lover and will react badly to the critic. It will drive a wedge between the closest family or friends. All you can do is hang on and hope they see it eventually.

[propita]

Actually, I was reading some time back that an increasing number of people postpone marriage but not children. They feel "ready" for one but not the other. Yeah, ridiculous. If you can't handle an adult, how will you handle a child?

Evidently, many young men want sex but are not interestd in marriage. You see that attitude in all the movies where the guy is 30yo but is trying to act 17.

At the same time, many young women want the big wedding they see in tv and movies, but think having a kid without some stable home life is just fine and don't want to wait to have someone in their life who loves them.

I understand this is a generalization covering only a (hopefully) small portion of the population. But it's...unsettling.

[teacake]

propita wrote:

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Actually, I was reading some time back that an increasing number of people postpone marriage but not children. They feel "ready" for one but not the other. Yeah, ridiculous. If you can't handle an adult, how will you handle a child?

These relationships are completely different and not really comparable. It would be like saying if you can't commit to another adult in marriage how can you be a dutiful and loving daughter to elderly parents?

Marriage breaks down far more frequently than does child and parent relationships.

[sonak]

propita wrote:

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Actually, I was reading some time back that an increasing number of people postpone marriage but not children. They feel "ready" for one but not the other. Yeah, ridiculous. If you can't handle an adult, how will you handle a child?

Evidently, many young men want sex but are not interestd in marriage. You see that attitude in all the movies where the guy is 30yo but is trying to act 17.

At the same time, many young women want the big wedding they see in tv and movies, but think having a kid without some stable home life is just fine and don't want to wait to have someone in their life who loves them.

I understand this is a generalization covering only a (hopefully) small portion of the population. But it's...unsettling.

this is a media stereotype of the "wandering guy" and the "ready to settle" girl. I just recently read an article that pointed out how inaccurate it is. Yes, as an overall trend men are more likely to want many partners before settling down(for obvious biological reasons), but the vast majority of men are interested in love with one partner, and settling down with a family.

Those kinds of stereotypes annoy me, because they're usually at the service of showing the more mature or responsible woman vs. the immature guy. It's lazy, and of course it doesn't divide that neatly by gender.

[propita]

Ah, but the young women weren't being shown as more mature and ready to settle,. On the contrary, they had stars in their eyes about a WEDDING where they're queen for the day, but realize they can't afford it. So they have a kid, thinking it'll lead to a happily ever after life. Not mature.

Maybe not entirely their fault (or the guys), since pop culture has Ben leading tand pushing them in that direction for quite a while. Anyone who can't or chooses not to think and plan their life a bit is vulnerable to just following along.

[Drago-Kazov]

teacake wrote:

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These relationships are completely different and not really comparable. It would be like saying if you can't commit to another adult in marriage how can you be a dutiful and loving daughter to elderly parents?

Marriage breaks down far more frequently than does child and parent relationships.

I know plenty of people with divorced parents who took the whole thing easy and were not emotionally crippled by it.

[SeerSGB]

Drago-Kazov wrote:

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I know plenty of people with diverced parents who took the whole thing easy and were not emotionally crippled by it.

Hell, there's those of us (raises hand) that would have had a far better life had their parents got divorced instead of staying together in a loveless (at times violent) marriage out of some sense of (1) not letting the other one "win" (2) "You don't get divorced, that's not proper".

[Kirby]

SeerSGB wrote:

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Hell, there's those of us (raises hand) that would have had a far better life had their parents got divorced instead of staying together in a loveless (at times violent) marriage out of some sense of (1) not letting the other one "win" (2) "You don't get divorced, that's not proper".

My parents finally separated during my senior year in High School. It never got violent, but the non-stop arguing was awful. Of course by the time they did separate, I had school, sports, a job, car, girlfriend so I was hardly home anyway, but when I was home, it was quiet.

[siskokid888]

sonak wrote:

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um, what? 22 year-olds have often either been working full-time for a few years, served in the military, or are about to finish college. As recently as thirty years ago, it was probably around the average age to get married.

That's fine, but it has nothing to do with making a lifelong committment to another person. Of course there are very mature 22 year olds. There are a hell of a lot more immature 22 year olds. I dont have the numbers, but I;m sure they would show a correlation between age and length of marriage. In today's world, I wouldn't even think of marriage until I was 30, at least.

[E-DUB]

Guys who are into anal are into causing pain, if she's up for it, fine. If not, that's her call. As for the "getting on top" thing, well that should be up for negotiation.

But guys who stray are looking for something that they're not getting at home and if he's out putting it in strange places, he's going to bring home something besides flowers, if you catch my drift.

Having said that, however, there's not much you can do other trhan make it clear that you're there to be supportive if and when she decides to leave the guy.