I gotta vent, because this is outrageous.

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Loretta Lynn (the country singer) got married at 13. She stayed married to the man until he died.

As for this situation: I would stay out of it. I don't see how confronting the guy directly could ever help. Just take the sister-in-law aside in private and explain things to her. That's really all that can be done. Oh, and give her some mace to use - just in case.

[Grey]

auntiehill wrote:

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^Which explains a lot about why the sister married that dick in the first place.

If you want to help, offer the sister some support if (and, with any luck, WHEN) she decides to leave his sorry ass.

This is what I would have said.

While it scares me that people like your sister in law sometimes choose to stay with assholes because putting up with abuse is better, in their minds, then being alone...well, there is no way to make that choice for other people. Let's hope she can see the way out of this!

But good for you for caring so much, and being there to support her! Keep reminding her that what happened wasn't her fault and that she deserves better!

Sorry to hear you're all going through this.

[teacake]

Tom-- Just don't get mad at the sister if she doesn't leave and/or takes him back. Most people take quite a few practice runs to leave a jerk like that. Always have your door open, always let her know she can rely on you for somewhere to stay and for financial help leaving. These kinds of situations have their own timetables and though it's easy to look at it from the outside and see that she should leave him it's not as emotionally easy for some people to do it.

[Captain Ice]

Tom, I don't have any sage advice. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Were I in your shoes, I would be hard pressed not to put this asshole in the hospital myself, distance be damned.

Just curious though, what is your wife's take on this? Since it's her sister, she should take the lead in dealing with it and you should support whatever she decides to do.

[Tom Riker]

Frosty the Snowman wrote:

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Tom, I don't have any sage advice. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Were I in your shoes, I would be hard pressed not to put this asshole in the hospital myself, distance be damned.

Just curious though, what is your wife's take on this? Since it's her sister, she should take the lead in dealing with it and you should support whatever she decides to do.

Mad and disgusted. Doesn't want anything else to do with him. She's very protective of her sisters and it took a long time for her to approve of someone dating her and then he turns around and not only cheats but blames her for it.

[sonak]

siskokid888 wrote:

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22 and 24 and they got MARRIED? Ridiculous age to even consider it, and you see the result. People have to start wising up and wait until they reach real maturity before they even consider marriage. Simply put, this is the kind of thing that happens when kids get married.

um, what? 22 year-olds have often either been working full-time for a few years, served in the military, or are about to finish college. As recently as thirty years ago, it was probably around the average age to get married.

[DanCPA]

I would stay out of it. They will likely stay together and in the end it will only cause a wedge in her family.

[Kestra]

Wishing the best for your sister-in-law and everyone involved.

sonak wrote:

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um, what? 22 year-olds have often either been working full-time for a few years, served in the military, or are about to finish college. As recently as thirty years ago, it was probably around the average age to get married.

In the past few years I've seen many people say that people shouldn't get married before thirty.

[teacake]

eh, why get married at all. But people do it.

[Dream]

teacake wrote:

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eh, why get married at all. But people do it.

I thought people only got married for the tax benefits?

[Deckerd]

There aren't any tax benefits these days.

[Kestra]

teacake wrote:

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Tom-- Just don't get mad at the sister if she doesn't leave and/or takes him back. Most people take quite a few practice runs to leave a jerk like that. Always have your door open, always let her know she can rely on you for somewhere to stay and for financial help leaving. These kinds of situations have their own timetables and though it's easy to look at it from the outside and see that she should leave him it's not as emotionally easy for some people to do it.

I just wanted to second this advice. I'm dealing with something similar, not as bad, thank goodness. It's really stressful to confide in anyone because I am always worried that they'll see me as weak or get mad at me for not getting out sooner. Or not standing up for myself. There's a strong sense of "Well, you're the one staying in that situation so you're not going to get support if you choose to remain there." I'm not talking about abuse or cheating mind you, but things aren't great.

Anyway, one of the best things is that everyone in my life is supportive of me and isn't just trash-talking my relationship or making me feel stupid. Sometimes you just want to know that people support you even if they don't agree with you.

As far as abusive relationships go, it definitely takes several attempts before someone actually leaves. That's pretty common. I saw it a lot when I was at the DV shelter and it's a decision they need to come to on their own.

I don't know if there's abuse going on here, but it sounds like emotional abuse at least. I wouldn't suggest that you personally get involved, but support your wife. And as a sister, I'd want to try to remind my sister of her positive qualities and serve as a counterforce to all the negativity she's probably hearing. Nothing over the top, just enough to give her some perspective and realize that his opinion of her isn't the only valid one.

If abuse is suspected, I'd open up a dialogue where she might feel free to confide in me. If she wanted to stay with him, I'd suggest making a safety plan. Also just practical things like keeping an eye on finances and all.

I know it's a difficult situation but you can't force anyone to change.

[Robert Maxwell]

Deckerd wrote:

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There aren't any tax benefits these days.

There are here in the US!

My tax bill has been much more unpleasant since I started filing single again.

[sonak]

Kestra wrote:

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Wishing the best for your sister-in-law and everyone involved.

In the past few years I've seen many people say that people shouldn't get married before thirty.

as long as we're picking arbitrary numbers out of the air, I say people shouldn't own a car until they're 27.

[Kestra]

sonak wrote:

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as long as we're picking arbitrary numbers out of the air, I say people shouldn't own a car until they're 27.

There's really no reason to reply like that. To many people, thirty marks a certain milestone. People are generally more established career-wise and financially, and are more likely to know what is important to them. It's not some hard and fast rule and I didn't say that I agreed that no one should get married before thirty. I believe that there are plenty of people who know what they want at a younger age. But I don't believe that the number is picked completely arbitrarily.

Discussion is possible without so much snark.