Break The Bully

[Gul Re'jal]

I was bullied in primary school. Kids (boys) from older grades took me as a target to call me all imaginative ways that can be taken to one meaning: you're ugly like hell.

It had lasted for two years until I barked back to one of them (something like "you'd not that beautiful yourself") and he never did that again. For weeks I was spending my evenings, inventing replies to their attacks not to repeat any and one by one I freed myself from them.

That taught me one thing: they attack weaker and if weaker shows they are not so weak, the bullies either run in fear or don't enjoy it any longer. I learnt to fight back.

That also left me with one thing: I'm ugly. Sometimes I cry after accidentally looking into the mirror. I have to prepare myself mentally to look at that face, or I react to it very negatively. When people on a street laugh at something, I always think it's me and my horrible face. For years I didn't allow photos being taken of me.

Someone may ask why I never told anyone (teachers, parents). The answer is simple: it never occurred to me to do so.

[teacake]

It certainly never occurred to me to tell my teachers or parent about being bullied. If I'd told my teachers it would have lead to more bullying as soon as any culprits were reprimanded. If I told my mother all hell would have broken loose and she would have been screaming into the phone like a lunatic at the school and then it would never have been mentioned again.

This is before these things were out there in the atmosphere as things to be discussed and things to be dealt with so I have no idea if any less of it happens now. Zero tolerance for physical violence is common here these days which might have been some help.

[Gul Re'jal]

My mother would probably assume I deserved it or "asked for it" and reaped what I sowed I think I'd get more help from my teachers, if I told them.

[Rhubarbodendron]

yes, that's exactly the situation I was in: if I had told the teachers, I'd have been subjected to the revenge of the bullies and when I told my parents they just shrugged and said "well, then don't go anywhere near the bullies". They failed to tell me how I should achieve that, having to use the same bus and the same road from the bus stop to school.
In the end the prob was solved when one of the older pupils befriended me and the bullies were scared of attacking him as well since his mom was a well-known and influential person, but not all kids are that lucky.

SmoothieX wrote:

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How about we keep it simple and just do what people have done to bullies for years, pop them in the jaw. (I say this from personal experience.)

That works when it's only one bully and he/she is about your size. But what if you get bullied by a group, and if they are a good deal bigger and stronger than you are?


Cyber-bullies are easier to handle. You just have to make them ridiculous, then they will get bullied themselves. Fortunately, cyber-bullies are often a bit stupid in my experience and hence easy to pwn.

[teacake]

Rhubarbodendron wrote:

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That works when it's only one bully and he/she is about your size. But what if you get bullied by a group, and if they are a good deal bigger and stronger than you are?

Yes of course it doesn't work most of the time. I was a very tiny, very near sighted, very introverted child. I was hardly going to pop a gang of boys in their jaws which is what I had to deal with on the bus.

I remember there was one girl who made my life hell, she was the classically super popular girl. One time I finally told a favorite teacher about her (this was in the third grade) and she made up a massive lie about me on the spot which was backed up by all her groupies. I remember being actually dumbfounded that someone had the audacity to lie like that and come up with it so instantly.

Of the boys that I suffered bullying from I know two were arrested for burning their father's house down, one was in a terrible car accident and ended up with severe brain damage (driving drunk) and one spent time in prison.

So it seems these people had some of their own problems.

[Rhubarbodendron]

If you ask me, anyone who gets a kick out of bullying others does already have a severe brain damage..

Are you aware, Teacake, that you are trying to find excuses for your tormentors? You're falling back in the "it's all my own fault" stereotype. Don't! It's not your fault. It's their fault alone! They did not bully you because they already were on the way to being criminals, due to their social background. They became criminals because they started with bullying and then simply took it further.

A hard childhood / personal problems / poverty etc are no excuse for being or becoming an anti-social person (as imo bullies are). I've been massively mistreated and have grown up in poverty and still I've become a rather decent person with a sense for what's right and wrong. Nobody is forced by fate to become a bully. It's what they actively chose to be.

[Kestra]

Gul Re'jal wrote:

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That also left me with one thing: I'm ugly. Sometimes I cry after accidentally looking into the mirror. I have to prepare myself mentally to look at that face, or I react to it very negatively. When people on a street laugh at something, I always think it's me and my horrible face. For years I didn't allow photos being taken of me.

This is something I still struggle with, though not to the same extent. Well, I've made strides in the past several years. I hope you find a way to form a more positive self-image.

[Gul Re'jal]

Kestra wrote:

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This is something I still struggle with, though not to the same extent. Well, I've made strides in the past several years. I hope you find a way to form a more positive self-image.

Thanks

I realise my perception is warped and I'm probably not as horrible as I imagine I am, and I try to fight this perception, but it helps little. So far I managed not to be so obsessed about it and not to spend evenings crying... that often.

Parents of my students, complaining that I don't smile and scare their children, don't help, though

[Kestra]

Gul Re'jal wrote:

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Thanks

I realise my perception is warped and I'm probably not as horrible as I imagine I am, and I try to fight this perception, but it helps little. So far I managed not to be so obsessed about it and not to spend evenings crying... that often.

Parents of my students, complaining that I don't smile and scare their children, don't help, though

Well I'm a bit biased because I love smiling and do so often, but I would encourage you to do so more as well!

[Gul Re'jal]

I do when I feel like smiling. My kids like me and that's what's important for me

And a faked, forced smile - THEN I'm really ugly 'Nuff to look at 'please smile' photos

[Rhubarbodendron]

don't worry about your looks Even the most beautiful people grow all wrinkled and shrunken after a few decades. What really counts is the character because that doesn't ever wrinkle. I'd much rather spend my life with an ugly but kind and gentle man than with a handsome egomaniac.

I'd still try that smiling bit, though Most people look a good deal better when they smile.

How about telling your pupils why you don't smile much and how having been bullied does still affect your life? They would begin to understand you and that would make them stop being afraid and start liking you. Plus they'd begin to think about what bullying can do to people and how it can be prevented.
You could use that anti-bullying video by breaking27 as a starting point to introduce the topic and then explain to them your personal experience. This would make them less inhibited and they'd perhaps start to talk about their own experiences. This way you could protect your pupils from having to make similar experiences as you had.

[teacake]

The thing with not smiling (and I'm not a natural smiler, I've learned this and applied it, YMMV) is that people see you not smiling and they fill in the blanks. It's like being quiet around very extroverted people, they fill in the blank (your silence) with assumptions that you don't like them, or think you're too good for the conversation, or that something is wrong. When you don't smile in situations that society expects it people assume something is wrong or you are cold or uninterested in them.

[Gul Re'jal]

The thing is I smile and laugh a lot with my students. We joke a lot and have fun (they range from 4 years old to 11). It's the parents who think I'm all serious and scary and it takes time before they learn from their kids what fun we have in the class (unless they eavesdrop and hear us laughing in the classroom ).

So the problem is with my vertical wrinkle between my eyebrows, making me look angry, not with my lack of making the kids laugh

And the kids of that age don't care whether I'm ugly or not. For them I'm just magical: not black hair, not black eyes, a long and narrow nose, etc. (I teach local kids in Hong Kong).

[Rhubarbodendron]

@ teacake:
exactly. And that's why I think it might be a good idea to explain that to your pupils. They must learn to realize that being different doesn't necessarily have to be negative and that they must accept it and try to understand it, rather than build their own theories and fall into the stereotype trap. (and that being different is no reason for bullying)

@Gul Re'jal:
ugly or not ugly depends a lot on the cultural background, in my experience. I am too plump for a caukasian, but my ex BF (African American) thought I was too thin

[Gul Re'jal]

I'm trying to learn to smile when I "should" but it doesn't come naturally to me.