TNG Caption This! 292: Unexpected Situations

[Ln X]

Picard: Computer, display directions to the dominatrix room!


Laughing gas works on Klingons to...


Guinan: I don't know why but I can just sense a youthful resurrection happening soon...


Riker: (o/s) What's the matter with Data?
Geordi: Android orgasm.
Riker: (o/s) What?


Riker: Psst! Let's barge into Worf's quarters and wake him with a Klingon pain stick!

[The Laughing Vulcan]

Picard: "Toilet... toilet... where's the damned toilet?"



Klingon moobs are surprisingly soft... and sensitive...



Picard: "Okay, who's the idiot who swapped the red alert bulb for a lava lamp?"



Geordi: "What's that weird flashing light you have there, Data? It's curiously... it's quite... it's... ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNODROID!"




Riker: "... and these here are Ensign Ro's quarters... I shagged her too."

The last time Commander Riker showed visiting dignitaries around the ship...

[Merlanthe]

PICARD: Captains log...our exploration of the planets surface had to be cut short after a local life form mistook the shuttlecraft for its mate...now the interior is covered with fluerescent fluid stains that smell weird. Recommend that Wesley cleans it out.

[Merlanthe]

PICARD: Ah the Enterprise...every inch of her interior systems exposed...naked...I can see everything!




PICARD: Captains log...our attempt to explore the planets surface and collect samples was cut short when the away team was attacked by a rare cloth eating virus that caused our clothes to disintegrate...there were spare uniforms aboard the shuttle and the girls are all properly attired once more...but I've seen everything!

RO: ...does he realise that we can hear everything he says?

PICARD: ...I've seen everything!



RIKER: The locking mechanism on your door is broken? Dont worry Deanna even if the Captain does mistakenly walk in whilst your undressed he's already seen everything.

TROI: ....?

[Isis]

Picard: "Beverly, is it necessary that you project Data's MRI on the bridge? We all believe his claim that he's fully functional and programmed with multiple techniques."

Crusher: "Jean-Luc, what are you talking about?"

Riker (entering bridge from turbolift): "Like my MRI, Captain? Pretty impressive, huh?"





Picard had yet to learn that if you want to impress a starship crew-woman on a first date, you don't take her to a planetarium.





Data: "Is this my best angle?"

La Forge (to self): "Maybe this wasn't the best time to activate his vanity subroutine?"





Riker: "That Picard is a pompous windbag. I'd make a better captain than him any day."

<brief pause>

Riker: "Well, how did everyone like my totally fictional dramatization?"

Riker (sotto voce): "He's right behind me, isn't he?"

[T'Girl]

Picard:
Only the most obvious features of the ship are labeled.
An arrow to the engines, labeled "engines."
An arrow to the bridge, labeled "bridge."
An arrow to the deflector, labeled "deflector."
Who in God's name labeled this thing?

LaForge:
Councilor Troi.

Picard:
Ahh, now it makes sense.

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "Picard to Riker. Commander, I want you to look into assigning Commander LaForge and his staff some additional duties. I'm looking at the master situation monitor in Engineering and, unless we have a giant mouse on Deck 10 and a sports car parked in the main shuttle bay, they have entirely too much free time down here."

[Holdfast]

Triskelion's "Farrah" photoshop last week was hilariously brilliant!





PICARD: So if I'm here... that must be the Magic Kingdom must be over there... so the Epcot Centre is this way!





DIRECTOR (offscreen): "And... Freeze Frame for the last shot of the episode right there!"





PICARD: I don't recall ordering a underwater landing, Ensign.





DATA: You really don't want to know where it plugs in, Geordi.





FRAKES: My career? It went thataway!

[Triskelion]

Computer, make a note: we need more lemon pledge.




Picard: You haven't experienced the ruins of Pompeii until you've seen Floyd at Pompeii.
Ro: I can hear my ridges.
Guinan: I control the lights with my mind, man!
Keiko: Is that the cops?



Geordi: Data, about your new hobby...
Data: You're a tigress, baby, yeah! Scratch me baby! Perfect! Make love to the camera baby, yeah!
Geordi: I don't think a calendar of history's hottest Vulcan philosophers is...culturally sensitive.
Surak: Rowr!



No, crewman, I didn't steal your panties. Must have been out-of-phase Wesley Crusher, here.

[Mistral]

Skywalker wrote:

---

Picard: "That's all there is to the ship? Geez, I could have built this in my backyard!"

[Nerys Myk]

CASHIER: Would you like a drink with that?

PICARD: Make it soda.

[Triskelion]

Picard: I notice you use picture buttons. In my century, we've evolved beyond that - we use blinky buttons.

Girl in line: I always get behind the readers. He wants the number one!

Picard: Yes, make mine - Number One. Tee hee!

[Isis]

Head usher: "So sorry, but someone just took the last seat for Wesley Crusher's violin recital 30 seconds ago. We wanted the entire crew to attend, but we underestimated the number of seats you'd all need by two. It was absolutely our error, and we apologize profusely. Sorry we can't do more, but would each of you accept an extra week's salary?"

[Ln X]

CASHIER: Earl Grey? What the **** is Earl Grey? This is McDonalds baldy not some uptown joint!

[Holdfast]

Nerys Myk wrote:

---

PICARD (looks at his burger): See, this is what I'm talking about. Look at the photo behind you: it's plump, juicy, 3" thick. Now look at this sorry thing; can anyone tell me what's wrong with it? Anybody at all?




(pace Michael Douglas... )