The Joke Thread.

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yes!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

[Gil T.Azell]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere
in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

[Gil T.Azell]

Paddy Murphy's Babies



Paddy Murphy went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.




Upon arriving, the Nurse says, 'Congratulations, your wife has had quins 5 big healthy baby boys.'

Paddy says, 'I'm not surprised, I have a willy on me like a chimney.'



The nurse replies, 'You'll need to get it cleaned then because the babies are all black.'

[Jack Bauer]

A guy is talking to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. When he is asked about the good things he's done if life he tells St. Peter about how he helped this woman who was being harassed by a biker gang. He explains that he went up to the biggest biker and told him to leave the woman alone. When the guy laughed at him he punched him repeatedly and ripped off his nose ring. St. Peter asks "When did this happen?" and the guy replies "Oh, just a few minutes ago".

[Omnius]

*dusts off thread*

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob, are you in Heaven?"

"No............I'm a rabbit in Surrey."

Letter of Recommendation
Trevor, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

EUROPEAN COMMISSION RULING ON THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Mr. Laser Beam]

On a cruise ship, a magician has a regular gig. Everybody loves the show, including the captain, who goes to the show every night. Unfortunately, the captain has a parrot, and the parrot speaks English and gives everything away ("Aawk, he's putting it up his sleeve!" "It's in his hat!" "He's got it under the table", etc.). So the magician and the bird, obviously, do not get along. Eventually the magician gets so frustrated with the bird that he takes out a pistol and shoots at it, but it misses the bird and hits a propane tank instead, thus exploding the boat into a billion pieces.

The only survivors are the magician and the bird. They're out there floating in the ocean and the bird says:

"All right, I give up, where's the damn ship?"

*********

There's these two guys taking flying lessons. One of them says to the other one that their instructor is an 8th-degree black belt and is hitting on him, and unless the guy submits to the instructor's sexual advances he'll have to jump out of the plane.

"So, did you jump?" the guy's friend says.

"Yeah, a little at first."

[The Borgified Corpse]

DISCLAIMER: This joke is totally un-PC and does not in any way represent the actual views of The Borgified Corpse or his assorted multiple personalities.

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you haven't already told her twice."

[SicOne]

A prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his adult life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. All the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. With all eyes staring at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

[Nardpuncher]

How about some Non Jokes?

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve mushrooms!"
So the mushroom says "Aw, c'mon...you fuckin' jerk!"



A string walks into a bar and the bartender says "Get outa here! We don't serve strings!'
So the string goes outside and gets his hunting knife and stabs the bartender in the face.

What do you call a Mexican flying an airplane?

A pilot you jerk.

[ares93]

A young boy and his parents move to Sweden from Iraq. First day of school the teacher asks the boy what his name is.
"My name is Ahmed Rashid" the boy replies.
The teacher looks at him strangely. "No, you live in Sweden, you're a swede. So from now on, your name is Sven Andersson."
Sven goes home when school is over and starts playing. His mother calls out for him that dinner is ready, but he doesn't care. Finally his mother gets angry and bursts into his room. "Ahmed! I've called for you three times already! Why wont you come when I'm calling for you?"
"My name is not Achmed anymore. I live in Sweden and I'm a swede. My name is Sven Andersson." he replies. Furious at her son's disobedience, she slaps him. When his father comes home he slaps him too.
The next day the boy goes to school. Terrified how the boy looks, the teacher ask him what had happened the previous day. The boy replies, "I hadn't even been a swede for two hours before two god damn arabs beat me up."

[scotpens]

A grandfather, who was visiting his six-year-old granddaughter in Florida, watched her playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was, and how she was seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. The grandfather went over to her to see what had captured her attention, and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Grandpa, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"It's called a Daddy Longlegs," her grandfather answered.

"So is the other one a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well," she said, "that may be okay in Vermont, but we're not having any of that shit in Florida!"

[Rhubarbodendron]

Omnius wrote:

---

EUROPEAN COMMISSION RULING ON THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

^Sadly, this is an almost exact description of the latest German spelling reform.

========================================

kindof a joke, but this actually happened at a friend's office:


Two secretaries work overtime. The guy who hands out fresh office supplies has already gone home when one of the secretaries runs out of paper.
She asks her colleague for a few sheets of paper. The other secretary unfortunately hasn't any left either but suggests: "how about taking some from the photocopier?"
"Excellent idea", the first secretary replies, walks to the machine and makes several copies of her last empty sheet of paper.

[trekkiedane]

Rhubarbodendron wrote:

---

Two secretaries work overtime. The guy who hands out fresh office supplies has already gone home when one of the secretaries runs out of paper.
She asks her colleague for a few sheets of paper. The other secretary unfortunately hasn't any left either but suggests: "how about taking some from the photocopier?"
"Excellent idea", the first secretary replies, walks to the machine and makes several copies of her last empty sheet of paper.

- But isn't that originally a blonde-joke?

[Rhubarbodendron]

presumably the colleague was blonde
There are blonde men, too: the other day I found two of my male colleagues bent over the electric bread slicer in the office kitchen, completely mystified why it wouldn't work.
I flipped the switch on the power strip into 'on' position.

[trekkiedane]

^Like the FAQ in a German users manual:

Q: Why is my device not working?

A: Ensure that the device is plugged in and the on/off-switch is set to the "On"-position.

Germans are nothing if not thorough