RSS iconTwitter iconFacebook icon

The Trek BBS title image

The Trek BBS statistics

Threads: 144,653
Posts: 5,684,884
Members: 25,653
Currently online: 455
Newest member: jahcmoler

TrekToday headlines

Retro Review: Time and Again
By: Michelle on Apr 25

USS Enterprise Model To Debut
By: T'Bonz on Apr 24

Vulcan Nimoy Tribute
By: T'Bonz on Apr 24

Pegg Writing Kickass Role For Elba
By: T'Bonz on Apr 23

Galaxy Quest To Become A Series
By: T'Bonz on Apr 22

Mulgrew On Voyager Twentieth Anniversary
By: T'Bonz on Apr 22

Shatner Starts New Website
By: T'Bonz on Apr 22

Rumor Mill: Star Trek III Title
By: T'Bonz on Apr 22

Siddig: Getting And Playing The Role Of Martell
By: T'Bonz on Apr 21

Mulgrew: Why Born With Teeth
By: T'Bonz on Apr 21


Welcome! The Trek BBS is the number one place to chat about Star Trek with like-minded fans. Please login to see our full range of forums as well as the ability to send and receive private messages, track your favourite topics and of course join in the discussions.

If you are a new visitor, join us for free. If you are an existing member please login below. Note: for members who joined under our old messageboard system, please login with your display name not your login name.


Go Back   The Trek BBS > Lounges & General Chat > Miscellaneous

Miscellaneous Discussion of non-Trek topics.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old August 25 2014, 02:10 AM   #16
Squiggy
King of Kings
 
Squiggy's Avatar
 
Location: Up Squiggy's Coal Chute.
View Squiggy's Twitter Profile Send a message via ICQ to Squiggy
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

My wife and I were dating long term for 3 months before she moved to town. We defacto moved in together...staying at each other's place 6 nights a week pretty much as soon as she got here.

3 months later, we officially moved into together.

We were engaged 1 year after our first date.

We were married 1 year, 2 months, 13 days after that (828 days after we discovered the other existed)



That being said...sometimes moving that quickly works. Sometimes it doesn't.
__________________
ENOUGH OF THIS TURGID BASH WANKERY!
Squiggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 25 2014, 04:57 AM   #17
propita
Rear Admiral
 
Location: fresno, ca, us
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

We met at work.
A year and a half later, went out on our first date.
Kissed 2 months after that.
Had sex 2 months after that.
Moved in 10 months after that.
Got married 9 years, 2 months after that.
Been married 18 years, 3 months.
propita is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 25 2014, 12:16 PM   #18
FPAlpha
Vice Admiral
 
FPAlpha's Avatar
 
Location: Mannheim, Germany
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

TayLaLaLa wrote: View Post
We met on a Monday
Fell in love on a Tuesday
Married on a Wednesday
Fought on a Thursday
Grew worse on a Friday
Broke up on a Saturday
Divorced on a Sunday
That was the end
Will find a new love someday.

Taylor Swift might not be the best example when it comes to relationship advice

As others have said you can't put a timetable on a relationship. If it feels right for both sides it feels right and then it doesn't matter if you marry after a month or 10 years.
__________________
"Chewie, we're home.."
FPAlpha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 26 2014, 05:16 AM   #19
Kommander
Commodore
 
Location: Detroit
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

The only strict rule I have about the rate of change within romantic relationships is that I will not make, nor will I ask for, any serious commitments for at least two years. By "serious commitments," I mean long-term commitments that are difficult to back out of or or renegotiate, or that can have long-term consequences. I have two reasons for this:

1: The Honeymoon Period, (also referred to as New Relationship Energy). Early in romantic relationships, one's brain produces excess oxytocin as well as other hormones and neurotransmitters, causing one to view the relationship more positively than it probably actually is, and can cause one to overlook or dismiss potentially serious problems. Brain chemical production typically returns to normal a year to eighteen months into the relationship. In other words, one is not in their right mind for the first year and a half of a relationship, and making important decisions during that time is a bad idea.

B: Rushing commitment is something abusive people do. It's more difficult to leave a bad relationship if a couple cohabits or have a child together than if they live separately and/or have no children, and many abusers try to get these things in place as early as possible. I've had enough abusive people in my life at this point.

I picked two years as the threshold for serious commitment to create a grace period for New Relationship Energy. If the relationship hasn't fallen apart six months after NRE has definitely worn off, it's likely to last a good deal longer, and serious commitments are probably okay.

Other than that, it's not so much when that's important, but why that's important. Dating for a certain length of time is not a sufficient reason to cohabit or marry. Although, I date solely to form and explore connections with other individuals without specific goals in mind, not to find a life partner like most people do. Dating with a specific end-result in mind doesn't make the slightest bit of sense to me, but apparently it does to most people, so whatever.
Kommander is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 26 2014, 05:18 AM   #20
Squiggy
King of Kings
 
Squiggy's Avatar
 
Location: Up Squiggy's Coal Chute.
View Squiggy's Twitter Profile Send a message via ICQ to Squiggy
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Will you make an exception for me?
__________________
ENOUGH OF THIS TURGID BASH WANKERY!
Squiggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 26 2014, 05:21 AM   #21
Kommander
Commodore
 
Location: Detroit
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

If by "make an exception for you" you mean state that making serious commitments during the NRE phase wasn't a bad decision in your case, no, I won't do that. It was a bad decision. However, bad decisions don't always produce bad results. At this point, I'm pretty much an expert at making bad decisions that turn out okay. I know very little about your relationship with your wife, so I can't determine whether or no you fucked up. You have to decide that for yourself. You seem pretty happy about how things happened, so... you didn't fuck up? Either way, not my problem.

if by "make an exception for you" you mean make serious commitments to you before two years have passed, only if your wife is okay with it. I'll fax the affidavit for her to sign to your office tomorrow morning.

Last edited by Kommander; August 26 2014 at 07:53 AM.
Kommander is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 26 2014, 05:41 PM   #22
Robert Maxwell
Knives Out, 24/7/365
 
Robert Maxwell's Avatar
 
Location: NJ Chapter
View Robert Maxwell's Twitter Profile Send a message via ICQ to Robert Maxwell Send a message via AIM to Robert Maxwell Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to Robert Maxwell Send a message via Yahoo to Robert Maxwell
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

What the hell are you doing??
__________________
Not affiliated with those other white knights. I'm the good kind.
I has a blag.
Robert Maxwell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 26 2014, 05:55 PM   #23
Jedi_Master
Vice Admiral
 
Jedi_Master's Avatar
 
Location: A great place to live and visit
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Kestra wrote: View Post
I don't think there's a set timeline for something like this. You make the best decisions that you can with the information that you have. I believe in verifying certain things, like the person is at a basic level who they say they are. I'd want to meet other people in their lives. But at the end of the day, you can be with someone for seven months or seven years and still not know everything about them. You and I have both learned this the hard way!

I also agree that in general these timelines are often shorter as you age. If both parties know who they are, what they want, and what they're willing to give, then there's no reason to draw things out.
I agree. There is no "perfect" time for a relationship to move to new level.
__________________
Why does what I put here even matter?
Jedi_Master is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 26 2014, 06:00 PM   #24
Squiggy
King of Kings
 
Squiggy's Avatar
 
Location: Up Squiggy's Coal Chute.
View Squiggy's Twitter Profile Send a message via ICQ to Squiggy
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Oh, I agree. The decision to fly straight into a serious relationship immediately after the two of us had gotten out of disastrous serious relationships was probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done. Had that also turned out bad... I don't know what I would've done.

That being said, affairs of the heart don't always involve the head. Like you said, people make bad decisions that work out great (like me - I've never been happier) and people make good decisions that turn out badly (Hitler?).

Great. Just look me up on the interwebs. I'll have my assistant fax it back to you once my wife can find a notary.
__________________
ENOUGH OF THIS TURGID BASH WANKERY!
Squiggy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 26 2014, 10:32 PM   #25
Pingfah
Admiral
 
Pingfah's Avatar
 
Location: Keeping an eye on TBBS
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Pondwater wrote: View Post
Pingfah wrote: View Post
Moving in, 15 years, and must have my own lounge & bedroom.

Marriage, never.
Right on!

Every case is different.
I could probably move on the 15 years, for the right person. Definitely need my own space though, I've tried living with women before, and I just can't do the 2 become 1 thing, which seems to happen to a lot of people.

In all seriousness, I'd marry to make someone happy. It's just not something I personally place any value upon.
__________________
So it goes.
Pingfah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 26 2014, 10:46 PM   #26
Pondwater
Rear Admiral
 
Pondwater's Avatar
 
Location: Middle of Nowhere
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Pingfah wrote: View Post
Pondwater wrote: View Post
Pingfah wrote: View Post
Moving in, 15 years, and must have my own lounge & bedroom.

Marriage, never.
Right on!

Every case is different.
I could probably move on the 15 years, for the right person. Definitely need my own space though, I've tried living with women before, and I just can't do the 2 become 1 thing, which seems to happen to a lot of people.

In all seriousness, I'd marry to make someone happy. It's just not something I personally place any value upon.
Same here...almost to the tee.

I lived with someone before and got stiffed $3 K. I won't let that bitterness ruin the next. However, if I were to be serious about someone to move in with them and/or marry them. I'd have to have my own space. There are days to where....I just like space.
__________________
~Pondwater
Pondwater is online now   Reply With Quote
Old August 26 2014, 11:24 PM   #27
Mr. Laser Beam
Fleet Admiral
 
Mr. Laser Beam's Avatar
 
Location: The visitor's bullpen
View Mr. Laser Beam's Twitter Profile
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Pondwater wrote: View Post
I lived with someone before and got stiffed $3 K.
oh crap, I am so sorry to hear that

I won't let that bitterness ruin the next.
See, you have already proven you're better than them, just by that one statement.

However, if I were to be serious about someone to move in with them and/or marry them. I'd have to have my own space. There are days to where....I just like space.
I have never lived with anyone in a romantic sense. Hell, it's been 20 years since I even *had* a romantic sense. The way I look at it is, I've learned patience. As for space: Hell yeah. I like my personal space as well. And that's in normal day-to-day life, let alone romance.
__________________
Scotty, don't beam me up yet! I'm taking a sh
Mr. Laser Beam is online now   Reply With Quote
Old August 27 2014, 01:04 AM   #28
Kommander
Commodore
 
Location: Detroit
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Robert Maxwell wrote: View Post
What the hell are you doing??
Squiggy and I have something real, and magical, and I will not entertain your pessimistic nay-saying on the issue.

Squiggy wrote: View Post
Oh, I agree. The decision to fly straight into a serious relationship immediately after the two of us had gotten out of disastrous serious relationships was probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done. Had that also turned out bad... I don't know what I would've done.
Well that's good, both how things turned out and the realizing that I'm right thing.

Squiggy wrote: View Post
That being said, affairs of the heart don't always involve the head. Like you said, people make bad decisions that work out great (like me - I've never been happier) and people make good decisions that turn out badly (Hitler?).
I had many examples growing up of how bad commitment decisions can go terribly wrong, so I have the opposite problem. I've only recently gotten to a place mentally and emotionally where I'm even capable of making serious commitments. Other bad decisions, I've made plenty. When I've made bad romantic decisions in the past, it wasn't so much that I thought they were good decisions; I realized they were bad decisions, I just didn't care, because love. Setting a time table doesn't fix the issue. The NRE phase isn't the only time people make poor relationship decisions, it's just the time when people are the most capable of making bad decisions. Even if serious commitments are put off for a few years, people often go through with them against their better judgment out of fear of hurting the other person, because the relationship is familiar, the sunk-cost fallacy, or any number of other reasons. In short: relationships are hard.


Squiggy wrote: View Post
Great. Just look me up on the interwebs. I'll have my assistant fax it back to you once my wife can find a notary.
For the record, I do actually have Primary Partner Extra-Relationship Romance Release Forms.*

*This is a lie, verbal consent is sufficient for the time being. However, once I am a licensed sexologist, I will likely have some available for clients.

Pingfah wrote: View Post
I could probably move on the 15 years, for the right person. Definitely need my own space though, I've tried living with women before, and I just can't do the 2 become 1 thing, which seems to happen to a lot of people.

In all seriousness, I'd marry to make someone happy. It's just not something I personally place any value upon.
I find the idea of combining my life with someone else's to be abhorrent. At minimum I require my own bedroom, at least one computer, and at least one vehicle that are solely mine. I'd also like either basement and/or garage workspace that is mine, space permitting. I'd only agree to a joint bank account if it's a secondary account and there are no automatic deposits.

Marriage I will not agree to until multiple partner marriage is legal.
Kommander is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 27 2014, 03:45 AM   #29
sidious618
Admiral
 
sidious618's Avatar
 
Location: New York, US
Send a message via AIM to sidious618
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

There have been some studies done on time tables, some saying as long as seven years before you truly know someone, but they tend to differ and I imagine it's difficult to study these things so put stock in them as much as you'd like.

Personally, I don't like the idea of marriage. Cohabitation might work for me. No children, though. That's a definite no for me.

In general, I say there's no reason not to take things slow. Rushing into things can end up putting more importance on the events (moving in, engagement, marriage) than on the relationship itself. It's impossible to state a hard and fast rule, though.
__________________
We've met before, haven't we?
sidious618 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old August 27 2014, 06:56 AM   #30
wulfio
Captain
 
Location: Ontario, Canada
Re: The Pace of a Relationship

Spot's Meow wrote: View Post
About how long have you or would you want to be in a relationship with someone before you start considering the major things like moving in together, getting engaged, married, etc.?

I could say I'm not asking for any particular reason, just wondering.

I have always thought that people who eloped after two weeks or moved in together right away were absolutely crazy. I mean, I was in a past relationship for seven years and although we talked about and planned our future together, we never got married or even engaged. We moved in together after about two years of dating.

I always had the attitude that, well, could you ever really be sure about someone so soon? Or ever? I probably would have said that you should wait at least a year before moving in together, and at least two years before getting engaged.

My attitude has changed on this recently, not unrelated to a certain someone entering my life. I feel 100% sure about him and have since the day I met him. Now things that seemed absolutely crazy to me before suddenly seem to make sense...however, to other people, those things still seem crazy.

I do think that age plays a factor in this as well, as those who are younger should probably wait longer before moving in together or getting married, but the older I get the more confident I have become in what I like, who I am, and what I want, so I feel that I could do with shorter waiting periods now. I assume that this trend would continue as I continue to age.

So what would you consider a reasonable period of time before jumping into these things? Have you ever done something crazy like run off and get married to someone you just met? Did it end in terrible disaster? Do tell me your experiences.
I think that's pretty much it. Some people do things for the sake of doing them(a lot actually). And some do it because it's right.

Time doesn't matter, but I think rushing in after like a few months or something is like playing russian roulette. Ya there's some success stories. But the rest, I see people staying together for the kids, people dreading going home, people not really having anything in common with their spouses and are forced to let go of their passions because people are supposed to "compromise".

That's just my opinion anyway.
wulfio is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump



All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:52 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.6
Copyright ©2000 - 2015, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
FireFox 2+ or Internet Explorer 7+ highly recommended.