Voyager Caption Contest 122: Hedgehog Problems

Greetings Voyager Fans!!!!

Yaaaaay for the winnahs! The new contest was only slightly late this time! I'm getting better!

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Let's rip into our favorite furry ambassador chef leola-root-loving hedgehog.

 

RAMSEY: Enough of the f****** leola root!! There are a million f****** ingredients in this f****** kitchen!!! F****** pick another one!!!!!

 

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Janeway: "Taking over my dining room is bad enough, but I draw the line with you borrowing from my wardrobe."





Neelix: "It's Ensign Fieldsman isn't it, you're sleeping with him."

Kes: "Oh please, Fieldsman is one of the two people on the ship I'm NOT having sex with."

Neelix: "Oh really, and just who is the other ... oh right, it's me."

 

Neelix: Just act like you know a skill and they'll let you stay. I chose cooking.
Oxilon: But you're a horrible cook.
Neelix: They don't know that. They think lifeforms from our section of the universe eats the crap I make.

 

JANEWAY: Okay, I get why you commandeered my private dining room, but what's up with the hat?
NEELIX: Just a quick search for old timey chef hats in your cultural database, then I added a little colorful flair of my own. You like it?
JANEWAY: My... God...



TUVOK: I wouldn't worry. Given that our jobs have no overlap, it is logical to assume that the two of us will have little or no contact with each other.
NEELIX: Haha. Somebody isn't very familiar with the science of CHARACTERS WITH OPPOSITE PERSONALITIES!



DOCTOR: Listen carefully Neelix. Because of your Talaxian physiology, you are the only one immune to the horrible mind-affecting disease affecting the crew.
NEELIX: Me? But...that's never happened before. Shouldn't Seven be the one doing this?
DOCTOR: Yeah, we're probably screwed this time.



OXILON: I don't understand. The arrangement you have with Voyager sounds a lot like indentured servitude.
NEELIX: No, let me explain it again. It can't be indentured servitude, because Janeway is like, good.
OXILON: So you get paid?
NEELIX: No.
OXILON: So you are officially a member of the crew, and eligible for promotion.
NEELIX: Well, no.
OXILON: And if they get home, you have some kind of guarantee from Starfleet of your future, right?
NEELIX: Let me explain again. Janeway is NICE.



Kes explains Ocampan sex to Neelix.

 

Neelix: What can I do for you, ma'am?
Janeway: Well, I was, uh, sitting in Astrometrics on Deck 10 just now, skimming through the Sub Rosa mission report by Beverly Crusher, and I suddenly came over all peckish....

Ten minutes later:

Janeway: Neelix, have you in fact got any leola root at all?
Neelix: Yes, ma'am.
Janeway: Really?
Neelix: No. Not really, ma'am.
Janeway: You haven't.
Neelix: No, ma'am, not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, ma'am.
Janeway: Well, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to phaser you.
Neelix: Right-O.
Janeway: What a senseless waste of a hedgehog life form.




Tuvok: Know how to get a rise out of a space elevator?
Neelix: No, but I know how to get a rise in a space elevator.
Tuvok: Do not say -
Neelix: Viagara.




EMH: Now listen, Neelix. As Ambassador of the Fryalator you're going to see some horrible things. Borg babies. Protolizards. Seven and Chakotay. Stay strong! We need your comic relief and it will only cost you your manhood, your dignity, and your future usefulness. Oh, and you have to babysit.
Neelix: Why did I quit scrap collecting?
EMH: For a chick that goes psycho, and dumps you and this plane of existence before going psycho even harder.
Neelix: The hell, Karma! I recycled cans for a living!




Neelix: Ever get that 'not so fresh' feeling?
Wixiban: Yes.
Neelix: How do I add it to a stew?
Wixiban: Leola root.
Neelix: Genius.




Neelix: In the Delta Quadrant, mullets are still in style!
Kes: I'll believe anything!

 

Neelix: Want to hear the most annoying sound?
Tuvok: N-
Neelix: HHAEEEEIIIIAAAIIINNIINIIHHHEEEAA..... !!!

 

Neelix: "You have HOW many?"

 

Thanks for the win




Next time on Maquis is the new Starfleet; Red confronts Neelix about not putting Leola root in Harry's soup. Meanwhile, Chakotay reminds Tom about their relationship and how Tom left right after Chakotay's father died fighting Cardassians.

 

"'What's for Lunch' you ask, Captain? Well, I'll tell you:
It's Hot. Brown. And there's plenty of it ..."

 

Thanks for the win, Captain Kathryn!


Janeway was shocked the day she walked in on Neelix and discovered how he made his "Special Sauce".


After they were separated following the transporter accident that had fused them together, Neelix was delighted to discover that they had swapped genitals. Tuvok, less so.


Neelix: No! You can't! I only have one left!
Doctor: I'm sorry, Mr. Neelix, but I'm afraid Kes needs your other lung!
Neelix: But can't someone else donate one?
Doctor: Well, she specifically requested yours.
Neelix: Um...okay. Why does she need it?
Doctor: She didn't say.


Neelix: Now listen to me very carefully. There's only room for one ridiculous-looking alien on this ship. Either you leave quietly or I'll serve you to the crew.


Kes: Neelix, for the last time, I don't want to have a staring contest.
Neelix: ...
Kes: I think we should see other people.

 

Neelix: Waving his hand furiously in front of his friend's face, Neelix sees no reaction as Wixiban is stone still, unmoving.
"You see Wix, we have nothing to fear from those dealers. We just have a little parley with them first at which I suggest we all have a drink before proceeding. Nothing wrong with a drink before business. What they won't know is the drink will be Potak cold fowl that's gone bad. I found out by accident a while ago and saw that it has this impact on an alien's physiology, well a human's anyway. Now it looks like that effect is a universal one that will stop those brigands in their tracks.


Neelix: His brow beginning to furrow somewhat, " Now it did take a little while for Mr. Paris' paralysis to wear off. How long was that? Hmmm........

 

Thank for the wins

Neelix: You're how old!!!

Neelix: Captain what do mean what am I wearing? I copied my apron from an image I found on Voyager's database.
Janeway: Yes Neelix but normally the witty slogan on the front says "Kiss the COOK"!!

 

- And thank you Captain Kathryn FTW!



Janes: Neelix, why do you have a Flotter doll laying under a precariously-positioned meat cleaver in the day care room?
Neelix: Hm? That's not mine.
Janes: We don't eat children, you know.
Neelix: What?? Of course you don't, I would never....
Janes: Then why is that recipe book turned to the page titled "Crispy Toddler?"
Neelix: What?? I don't know what that....
Janes: Oh Neelix, we can't stay mad at you.
Neelix: It's just a cultural...holiday thing....




Neelix: Know how I know you won't have sex for years?
Tuvok: Because I am a Vulcan?
Neelix: You're a Vulcan?




EMH: Now listen to me, Neelix. I have to perform an emergency leisure-suit-ectomy.
Neelix: Is that a thing?
EMH: Oh, it is now.




Wix: There's a rumor around the sector that you've been dating a blonde. Is she dumb?
Neelix: Her boss is a projector.
Wix: Ouch.
Neelix: That's nothing - she talks to the projection.




Neelix: METREON CASCADE!
Kes: MY GIFT TO YOU!
Janeway: THERE'S COFFEE IN THIS NEBULA!
Vorik: I despise Burrito Tuesday.

 

Whilst playing footsie under the table Kes discovered that not all species keep their genitals in the same place.

Whilst watching Neelix put the holes in the ring doughnuts Janeway discovered that not all species keep their genitals in the same place.


Whilst firmly shaking hands with Neelix for the first time Tuvok discovered that not all species keep their genitals in the same place.

Neelix: Oh and Wix be careful out there. These Alpha Quadrant people have no idea where we keep our genitals!

 

Doctor: Don't try any funny moves Talaxian. I am a doctor...I know where you keep your genitals!

 

Janeway: I appreciate that ingredients and preparation are likely going to be different here in the Delta Quadrant. But Mr. Neelix, I feel that I have to point out to you that the crew will be less than sanguine to find out that you're adding such a personally special touch to your recipes!!!!

 

Neelix: Wanna hear what I just heard round the water cooler Jen, uh, Kes? I'm staying on Voyager longer than you are!!!! Nonny Nonny Boo Boo!!!!

 

*Bump!*

Can a mod sticky this new contest and unsticky the old one? Thanks!