TNG Caption This! 312: Bring on the comedy

O'Brien: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
Data: What, the force fields?
O'Brien: No, not the force fields, lad.

 

LaForge: "Ah, here's the problem! Someone has changed the settings in her timekeeping subroutines. I'll just set them back to the default..."
Data: "And that will stop her from sticking out her tongue and chirping 'Cuckoo!' every hour on the hour?"
LaForge: "It should, yeah."

 

And now, a new contest!



Picard: Her.
Riker: Acknowledged, sir. Ensign Ro, you'll join me, Data and Worf on the hostile planet.
Ro: Can I resign now, sir?



Crusher: It would appear Dr Soong programmed her in multiple techniques.
LaForge: I should've gone into robotics.



Worf: Intruder alert. Subject looks like the captain in a cheap tupee!
Picard: I'm not amused, Mr Worf. Now change this burnt out light bulb in the turbolift.




Second Officer's Log: Chief O'brien has been tutoring me in a genre of human sexuality called bondage. My first attempt on Counselor Troi has thusfar met mixed results, but the Chief assures me that the lasses enjoy playing hard to get.




Picard: What's up Butthead?
Ktarian: Picard, you dumbass! Put a crappy blond toupee on you and you'd make a convincing Beavis!

 

Picard: No one leaves this bridge until I have all your monthly performance reports on my desk in my readyroom.

 

After her latest on-screen Space Invaders defeat, Picard found himself holding back an inappropriate comment involving the futile combination of weapons, aim, and Bjorans.



Captain's Log, Supplemental: Newest policy: Away team candidates will be identified by the successful completion of a game of "Red Light, Green Light" before entering the bridge turbolift. An unanticipated consequence has been the regular elimination of necessary "red shirts" through this process. Will reconsider policy.

 

Picard: "That...isn't Wesley."

Riker: "Very good, sir. I think you are beginning to come down."

 

^


Picard: Jim. Your name...is Jim.
Riker<taps com>: Dr Crusher to the bridge.

 

PICARD: Number One, is Ro being contacted by the Prophets?
RIKER: I think she's just spaced out.
PICARD: Good. Last time I went to Bajor it was super awkward.



Riker: Geordi, if you were that desperate for a girlfriend we could have just had a double date.



When the crew of Relativity found out about Riker's holodeck recreation of Enterprise, they decided it was worth breaking the temporal prime directive to preserve the dignity of the Federation.



Picard: We've decided to let you go, if you promise not to tell anyone we were saved by Wesley again.

 

Dorn: Dammit! And I still have to stay later than everyone else removing makeup! I should have been a redshirt.

 

LeadHead, TFTW.



LaForge: "Gentlemen, we have some good news and some bad news. Unfortunately, we haven't yet been able to repair this android's positronic brain..."

Crusher: "...but we've made her hair perfect."





Worf: "OK, who ordered the life-size Captain Picard blow-up doll?"





Announcer (OS): "This wouldn't have happened if they had used Windex instead of the bargain brand."

 

Riker (whispers to Data): "There is a bit of a resemblance. Maybe if he tinted that hair red, Geordi could finally get that Dr. Crusher jones out of his system!"
Crusher: "I heard that!"

 

Picard: ..And Ensign Ro here is a Bajoran, yet another species who mistook me for a God at one point. Of course, I just told them straight up I wasn't this Emissary they were waiting for and that they should open their minds to science and rationality. And I'm sure every over starfleet officer would do the same in those circumstances.




Data: Geordi?

Geordi: I'm sorry Date, I've no idea how she has normal looking skin whilst you're left looking like a bad case of jaundice.




Captain's Log Supplemental: I really need to send another memo reminding crewmembers about the turbolift by the ready room so as to avoid queuing.




Sirtis: The Enterprise cast really don't want me on their show do they?




Picard: And this is where we start captioning you.

 

Troi: "Mosquito netting?"
O'Brien: "You wish! Tiberian Bat-flys!"
Data: "They'll bite your head off, man!"

 

*silence*

Worf: Captain?

Picard: I'm going to be in the ready room. You have the bridge, Mr. Worf. If you hear some sobbing and banging noises coming from the ready room, don't come in until I ask you to.

Worf: You finally had the talk with the Doctor, didn't you?

 

Picard: I don't trust Ensign Ro, so Number One I want you to personally assess Ro's suitability to serve onboard this ship.
Riker: I'll give her a good stripping down.
Picard: Make it so!



Riker: It must be terrible seeing your mother in this state Data.
Data: She dumped my father, even if I could express emotions, I would feel nothing.



Picard took yet another trip on the turbolift.



Troi: Curses! We're trapped!
O'Brien: And I'm here for what again?



Etana Jol: Sing 'In the Navy'.
Picard: Yes master.



Captain's log supplemental: In an attempt to quell Ensign Ro's insubordination, I threatened her with facing the Prophet's wrath for not following the Emissary's -- a fine Starfleet officer I might add -- example. To my surprise I found out that Ensign Ro was an atheist and a true oddball of her race.

 

Picard: Is Wesley going through puberty?
Riker: Ensign Ro, sir. Wesley is a male.
Picard: WHAT????

 

DATA: What's going on?
RIKER: Well, she said it would take a lobotomy to make her go out with me...

 

O'Brien: "I just had a thought. I wonder who was the misanthropic bastard who designed a force field that only becomes visible after you bash into it."

 

Troi: "I can sense a changeling harrumphing somewhere."