Does she by chance have any friends or former neighbours that went into a home or a seniorcommunity? It might be easier for her to settle into a place where there is someone she already knows.
It seems like you are getting some really good advice here and I can't really add add anything that may help. I'll just say that I am sorry that you have to go trough all of this, and please take some time to look after yourself as well. As has been indicated above, this is a good place to vent when you need to. Sending warm wishes your way.
^I am getting amazing advice -- more than I expected, and a lot to bring to my mom and sisters. Thank you everyone! I do have power of attorney, fortunately, we signed all those papers over the holidays. I also have direct control of about half of her finances. One of the ways she's tried to make up for my mother's childhood is by helping to support her now. My mom can't work because of her disabilities, but my grandmother bought her a house last year, and gives her an allowance which will be continued in a living trust. Right now I have power over that half of the finances, but my grandmother's businesses and investments are all over the place and I have no experience in these areas at all. She doesn't have any friends in homes that I know of, but she is very close to her brother and sister, and they actually all live next door to each other now. For awhile her brother and his wife were considering moving to a senior community, which would have made this so much easier because she would have happily followed them. They decided against it, though, and to make things worse, her sister's son moved in with her sister and brother-in-law to take care of them, which will make my grandmother want to stay where she is. I just don't see how that's feasible, though. Right now she's living in an apartment in a boarding house she runs, and the residents routinely take advantage of her (she's a horrible judge of character), and she's just not capable of getting by on her own any more. Unfortunately, I can't fly out to Seattle to deal with this stuff, because I work...so, again, the remote management is hard.
In terms of the business and investments, you need to find a local financial advisor to help you understand, manage, and plan for transition of those businesses and assets. Again, this is a referral situation; perhaps as you're interviewing facilities you can also ask if they have any advisors they prefer or that their residents work with. If your grandmother has been working with a CPA, that might also be a source for a referral. Unfortunately, at some point you will have to go to Seattle to deal with it. It sucks, but it's reality. I don't think one can make a decision like this remotely, and until you're actually in the facility and talking to the staff and residents, they're not "real". Being in the facility allows you to see, hear, and smell what's going on. Good luck
^Fortunately my sisters and mom can be my eyes and ears, I trust their judgement. I don't trust anyone my grandmother has ever hired, though. Like I said, she has terrible judgement (always has been a bad judge of character, even before she started deteriorating). She always goes the cheapest possible route, and doesn't research, when has led to horrible advice, sleazy lawyers, and scams. Right now I have to figure out what to do about her insurance policy: based on the bad advice of one of the people she hired, she bought a $300K life insurance policy, but she will lose it all if she lives beyond 87. She's 85 now, and both her parents lived till their late 90s. I want to restate how valuable all the advice I've gotten is, and thank you all again, since I won't have time to digest and respond to each of you immediately.
tsq, I've been there too. We moved my mother first into an assisted care facility that was wonderful, until her dementia and other medical issues became too much for their staff to handle. The nursing home we ended up choosing was not the most modern, nor was it the best maintained. There were scuff marks on the floor and some of the paint was pretty worn, but the staff was made up of the most incredibly caring people I've ever met. I used to visit mom at different times, and stand outside her room and listen while a staff member was in there - they spoke so sweetly to her and were very gentle with her care. Mom no longer knew who I was at that point, and visits were hard, but at least I was confident that she was where she could be helped. I don't envy you this task - but it's good to know that you're not alone.