A sort of sequel to One Lousy Ship. It took me ten years to write a sequel... impressive! Feedback welcome, as this is the first time I've released it! Not saying it's word perfect, but it's out there! "RAMMING SPEED!" The lieutenant winced in pain, toppled forward and fell to his knees. "That is NOT funny," he said getting to his feet, rubbing the backs of his legs. "Oh get a sense of humor Ensign," she said as she zoomed forward in her wheelchair. While one arm operated a joystick to move the wheelchair forward, she reached out with her other hand and slapped the young lieutenant's ass. He let out a small yelp as she whizzed off and went around a corner into another room. He stared after her, still rubbing his sore legs. Janeway whizzed forward and stopped in front of Tuvok who was seated drinking tea. "Tuvok, my old friend," she cackled. "Kathryn." "Ah ah" she chided, holding a finger aloft in warning. Tuvok frowned. "Sorry, Supreme Commander Janeway." "That's better. Show some respect to your ex-commanding officer." "I see you are distressing your security detail again," said the Vulcan, attempting small talk. "Oh, that pussy? Bah. He'd wet himself if any sign of trouble came along. My Starfleet security staff is made of good-for-nothing, wet-behind-the-ears kids that aren't even good enough to die in the war with the Klingons." She spat on the floor beside her wheelchair. "I have Hannika here to protect me," she said, motioning towards a gun made out of spare Borg parts - freakishly adorned with a solitary eyeball on the top of it. Tuvok raised an eyebrow, but knew better than to say anything. "It is time we went Captain." "This is what's affectionately known as the Janeway Manoeuvre," said Naomi Wildman to the Starfleet cadets and motioning towards the display. It starts with the captain imbibing approximately a litre of whisky or other suitable spirit, then pulling down the pants of the alien captain. She takes his penis -- or the closest thing to it -- and places it in her mouth. Janeway often found this diffused tensions with alien parties. Are there any questions?" "Don't you have to be a woman to do this manoeuvre?" said one young male cadet. "Not at all. And if you do prefer women, you can of course adapt this procedure for female commanders. Many of them have even used the Janeway Manoeuvre for the purposes of promotion. It's a very adaptable manoeuvre—" she was interrupted by a beep at the door. "Oh, here she is now." The door opened, and Janeway whirred in followed by Tuvok. "Please everyone, welcome—" "Oh shut up spine head," interrupted Janeway. "You have no idea what this girl was like on my ship. An utter pain in the captain's ass, that's what I say!" The statement illicited roars of laughter amongst the cadets and left Naomi blushing. Putting her hand to the side of face and speaking in a mock whisper, she added “She even fucked a Borg.” There was more laughter, and then Naomi stormed out of the classroom. "So, enough of this shit." Janeway pressed a button and a door opened on the side of her wheelchair revealing a mini-bar. "Come on kids. None of that Synthehol shit." The cadets rushed to get a drink. Janeway looked at a particularly cute cadet. "You can come sit on the captain's knee, if ya want." The cadet looked startled that someone who looked like his great grandmother was flirting with him, and he scarpered. "Captain, he is 18 you are 81. Even on Vulcan that would be a taboo." "Oh fuck off," she said absent mindedly as she stared at the cadet's ass. "Oh why did they ban Rohypnol in the 22nd century..." "Admiral Nog, we're detecting an unidentified ship on long range sensors". The Ferengi's daydreaming was brought to an abrupt halt at Starfleet Command. Very little happened, an infestation of Klingon bees was the most excitement they'd had all month. So, an unknown ship? "Identify, ensign," he said. "Sir..." "What?" "It's... the Borg". "So then, I said: 'That's your COCK'? And he was so offended his started his self destruct!" Tuvok looked on disapprovingly as Janeway was having a whale of a time, whisky in hand while regaling the young cadets with antics of her days in the Delta Quadrant. He was just raising his eyebrow when the room started to go dark. The room fell quiet, and they looked outside as day turned into night. Janeway put her glass down, then operated her wheelchair to move to the widow so she could look up at the sky. "What is it Supreme Commander?" asked Tuvok. "Oh fuck," was all Janeway had to say. "Admiral Nog, they're jamming all communications channels. "Call in the other admirals." "I said the communications channels were blocked!" "You have legs don't you, you fucking Hu-man!" The Ensign looked like she was going to cry, and darted out of the room. Another officer looked towards Nog, with a look of "What are we going to do?" "We, are the Borg," came the communication to Starfleet Command. "You will surrender, and return Component 7453". Nog looked perplexed. "Component 7453?" "Ignorance is irrelevant. You will return component 7453 stolen by Human Kathryn Janeway immediately. Or you will be assimilated." "Janeway!"exclaimed Nog. Janeway, Tuvok and the Academy recruits watched the viewscreen -- seeing Nog and the Borg's communications, the room still dark from the Cube. Tuvok turned to Janeway, and raised an eyebrow. "WHAT?" she said. "Supreme Commander? What did you do?" Janeway averted her eyes. "What do you know of the Borg's demands"? enquired Tuvok. "Well..... "Supreme Commander!" "Well... MAYBE I 'borrowed' something from a Borg cube I found one time..." "What?" Janeway operated her wheelchair, and wheeled away with her back to Tuvok. "Supreme Commander!" "Fuck off you pointy-eared prick!" "But sir, the Borg are threatening to assimilate Earth!" "Enough already! Well, I kind of used the component in... in..." "Yes?" "Eduardo." "Eduardo?" "Yes..." Janeway opened a hatch on the side of her wheelchair, and brought out a huge sex toy. Its head was pulsating, twirling and throbbing and saying in a computer-like voice "Yes Kathryn, yes Kathryn, oh yes Kathryn". She put it away in her wheelchair, closed the hatch... and the muffled computer voice could stilled be heard from her wheelchair. Tuvok was speechless, and the class laughed quietly. "There's no way I'm giving them Eduardo," said Janeway defiantly, sipping from her Whisky bottle. "Over my dead body.... or at least a few of their bodies," she said, gesturing at the young recruits. Their laughing stopped. "What shall we do?" prompted Tuvok. Janeway gave a serious face, resting her chin in her hand. "Hmm. Let me think... I know!" "What?" enquired Tuvok. "Wake me up when this shit is over!" said Janeway, and wheeled out of the room. TWO DAYS LATER "Supreme Commander... Supreme Commander." Tuvok got increasingly louder, nudging Janeway. Janeway started to wake, and looked around. She was holding Eduardo close to her chest. A human lied to one side asleep, a Bolian on her other side. Three empty bottles were scattered around on the bed. She looked up to Tuvok. "WHAT?" "Supreme Commander, things have not gone well. The Borg have destroyed all Starfleet vessels sent to defend Earth, and they have taken out Earth's defence grid. Over 176 million people are dead. We are...” "Defenceless?" "Indeed." "Hmm... got a fag?" Tuvok gave what, for a Vulcan, could only be described a disgusted look, and left the room. Janeway watched him walk out. The war raged on, and as much as Janeway tried to not care, the dust being thrown up from the planetary bombardment was making her cough. She sat in her wheelchair, staring into the mirror and thinking. "It's going to take days to get this dust out of my hair," she muttered quietly to herself. She turned herself around, and called for Tuvok. "Tuvok. Tuvok!" she said getting more insistent. He walked in slowly, in his usual cool Vulcan manner. "Well hurry up, we haven't got all day! The old Cap'n has a planet to save." "You wish to now help Earth, after so much damage has been done?" "Well, I was devising a... plan..." said Janeway defensively. “With your esteemed ‘colleagues’ no doubt’” he said, indicating the two men still passed out in her bed. “Oi, less of the lip!” she chided. “I apologise. What is your plan?” "I... forget. I need my closest political ally... the one that I've relied on for years. Who has seen me through thick and thin. Who has the mind of a tactician, and the body of a god..." Tuvok looked, if it was possible for a Vulcan, slightly smug. "Why thank...." -- he was cut off mid-sentence by Janeway. "Get my Ambassador Neelix!" One of Tuvok's eyes quivered, and it was all he could do to not explode with anger. "NEELIX!!" Janeway squealed, as the Talaxian entered the room. It had taken 12 hours (and another 7 million fatalities) to get him to Starfleet headquarters due to the attacks, but Janeway was delighted that he was here. "Cappy!" squealed Neelix in return. He approached her, lent over and kissed her first on one cheek, then the other. "Sexy as ever," teased Janeway, playing with his grey whiskers. "And you are as drunk as ever!" said Neelix, with a quick retort. Janeway roared with laughter. Tuvok stood watching, slightly disgusted. "So, take a seat," said Janeway. They chatted for what seemed like ages. Recalling their times in the Delta Quadrant, Eduardo, Neelix's Leola Root Stew ("Do you remember when you found it helped your fungal infection Cappy?" reminisced Neelix), how they'd ended the Romulan war, and the Military Academy that they both opened together. Good times. Six hours in, and numerous bottles of booze later, the conversation started to slow and the mood started to turn serious. "So what do we do?" was all Janeway said. Neelix dropped his head... and pondered. They met each other's gaze, and a moment of understanding was shared between them. Janeway simply nodded... they'd been comrades long enough to know what had to be done. At Starfleet Command, things were going badly. Starfleet was close to surrender, and Nog hadn't slept for 3 days. "Is there anything left? Anything?" asked Nog. "I'm sorry sir," said an Ensign. Nothing. No ships, no Earth defenses... there's nothing left." "Then signal the Borg...." "Sir!" "Yes?" "A shuttlecraft has just launched from Earth... it's... Admiral Janeway's personal shuttle." "What the...?" The Federation shuttlecraft 2Cool4U docked into the Borg Cube. As the door from the shuttlecraft opened, Borg drones approached. Janeway wheeled out of the shuttlecraft, down to the drones. She pulled a key fob out of her pocket, pressed the button and the shuttlecraft’s lights flashed once. "Okay boys, take me to your leader." They led her into the depths of the cube, down to a central area. From there, the Borg Queen emerged from a doorway. “Thank god I didn’t have to put up with that convoluted Borg Queen building crap,” said Janeway. “Seriously, you have no idea how tedious it got to see you built from about 85 pieces. What was it the last time we met... about 45 minutes of you being pieced together...? Bor-ing!” The Queen ignored her comments. "So... Kathryn..." "Borg." "We believe you have something of ours," said the Queen, in sultry silky tones. "This?" said Janeway, showing her walking stick. The Queen looked at the monstrosity quizzically. "No," she replied. There was silence, then Janeway Kathryn begrudgingly held up Eduardo, who was pulsing and vibrating. The Queen said nothing, trying to analyse the device and its purpose. "You have destroyed component 7453!" "Well, not quite Queeny. Although it destroyed something of mine..." said Janeway laughing, holding her groin, then winking at the Queen. The Queen stared in silence. "Well, no wonder you're so damn frigid!" said Janeway. "You need an Eduardo." All of a sudden, the Queen gained understanding. "You have used component 7453 for... for... primitive sexual pleasure?" "Damn right I have darling." The Queen was clearly angered. With a flick of her wrist, the drones started moving towards Janeway to take the device. "You will pay with your life Janeway. Then we will assimilate Earth. You have failed." "Eh eh eh. I wouldn't do that if I were you...." said Janeway, wagging a finger disapprovingly. "Or what?" said the Queen. Janeway sighed, dropped her head to her chest. "I tried... all I wanted was some fun. Some booze. And Eduardo. But no... you can't stay in the Delta Quadrant. You want it all. You want --" "Get to the point!" She was cut off by the Borg Queen. Janeway sighed again. "I didn't want to do this." The queen stared at Janeway. Janeway slowly pressed a few buttons on the side of her wheelchair. A hatch slowly unfolded showing Janeway's alcohol selection. "You do realize I never go anywhere unprepared?" asked Janeway. The Queen looked alarmed. "Time's up!" said Janeway. She hit a button on her wheelchair. It drove forward, fast. It smashed through a railing, and Janeway flew over with her wheelchair and down into the depths of the cube. "NOOOOOOOO!" shouted the Queen. But Janeway tumbled, with her wheelchair... full of alcohol. So much alcohol, compressed into such a small space using folding space technology..... it hit the bottom of the Borg cube, and a huge explosion occurred... Tuvok looked up to the Sky, as the Borg cube exploded. A fierce ball of flames lit up the sky, and then diminished. "Sir?" asked a young recruit. "What happened?" Tuvok sniffed. He waited a moment. "Do you smell that cadet?" The cadet sniffed. "It smells like... whisky sir?" "Yes, cadet. That is the smell of a hero. She sacrificed herself, and her alcohol supplies, to save this planet." "She's... dead?" "I believe so, cadet." The ensign fell silent, lowering his head as if in respect. "Sir..." he said meekly. "Yes ensign?" "Does this mean I can take my butt plug out now sir?"
I suspect you are going to offend some readers. I, however, do not offend over such topics and found it fairly funny.
Offended, no. Bewildered ... yeah. (I think the only comment I have here is that I can't decide if the level of detail you put into this is indicative of a great love for Voyager, or a deep and burning hatred.)
Is the "R" at the end meant to be a rating? I thought this board was strictly PG-13 or whatever the US TV rating is. Not that I'm offended by a bit of swearing or "adult themes"/sexual references, I'm just under the impression this place played it kiddy friendly.
I will. This was revolting. I believe there is an adult version of fanfiction.net for crap like this.
Maybe a bit of both... but more due to my like of the show. Can't write about something I don't care about. Although VOY's very serious nature, where it takes itself seriously, makes it ripe for parody. The fact that everyone seemingly hates Neelix with a vengeance is why he is the *only* character to not get lampooned in both the first and second story is deliberate. I always liked him too. Tuvok is the long suffering comrade of Janeway, putting up with her antics for decades and whatever trouble she's getting into... I like that thought. Also some of my favourite things sort of inspired the story (like Bubba Ho Tep came to mind... a washed up person who returns to grace). Janeway is a Hero Drunk.