They've already conquered the Gamma Quadrant, and now they're here to conquer your hearts! Put your hands together for this line up of lovely ladies representing the great, the powerful, the impressively knowing what you had for dinner last night Dominion! Look to your left. Now look to your right. The person sitting next to you could be a Founder. You could be a Founder, and we bet you wouldn't tell us. Without further fanfare or ado, let's introduce our beautiful contestants. #1 Miss Denorios Belt, Odo! Odo is graciously stepping in to represent the Founders. She knows that technically when push comes to shove, she won't necessarily side with the Dominion, but she says she can't deny her heritage, particularly after searching for it for so long. Odo decided to go for a daring look with her makeup. Too daring? It's not for us to decide. (Besides, she's sensitive, and we don't want to hurt her feelings.) # 2 Miss Valara, Laas! Not to be outdone by her shape shifting sister, Miss Valara says she is doing it for herself. We think she decided to go for a Vulcan look, or perhaps a Romulan. Clearly, she has no intention of walking in the footsteps or staying in the shadow of Miss Denorios Belt, and she hotly contests that blonds have more fun. #3 Miss Victory, a random Jem'Hadar. The Jem'Hadar are a stoic bunch. They don't have much to say. Actually, our contestant had nothing to say whatsoever when she showed up in her makeup and her...decorative headpiece. If you want to call the Jem'Hadar a "bowhead" you go right ahead. We'll stand over here, waaaay over here, and watch. Yep. She looks...healthy? And oh, yeah, kids, don't do drugs!! #4 Miss Tified, Broca! Broca wants to assure you that she is 100% loyal to the Dominion. She believes that her showing in their pageant proves it beyond a shadow of a doubt! Sadly, neither you nor I are the ones she needs to convince. We're a bit concerned for her safety, but she insists she has the utmost faith that if she somehow manages to win, no one will assassinate her and put a Founder in her place. (What-ev-er. ) #5 Miss Cloned # 6, Weyoun! We know, the numbering is a little confusing. Weyoun is our fifth contestant but the sixth Weyoun! We hope that clears things up a little. Weyoun wants you to know that Odo is the most beautiful contestant and that you should vote for her. She has...concerns...that if she gets the most votes, Odo will off her in a jealous rage. We'd like to tell her she's just being paranoid...but...she is #6. There has to be a reason for that, right? There you have them, all the intrepid ladies who were willing to step forward and represent the Dominion in the Alpha Quadrant. They've come a long way to be here, and they assure us they have no intention of going home any time soon. Isn't that a relief? Let's vote one of these ladies into the final round, getting closer by the minute.
You know, I think Miss DS9 Favorite is going to want to have a "word" with Miss Tified...and I would pay to see that!!!! But I would've called her Miss Taken Loyalties, myself. Anyway, I vote for Miss Denorios Belt. That was quite the shapeshifting job--the hair looks more natural than anybody else managed! And points for boldness for the makeup, too. Though for some odd reason, Miss Victory was also quite interesting...
It was a hard choice between Odo and Weyoun, but I settled on Odo. Partly Odo's awesome hair, partly the catty look on Weyoun's face. I was tempted to vote for the Jem Hadar, though. Love the bow. Funny stuff.
Oh my Founders, this time it is really hard to choose! Miss Denorios Belt and Miss Cloned are both so beautiful and feminine... should I give Miss Denorios Belt advantage because Miss Cloned is also lobbying for her? Decision, decisions... I need time for this...
My gods what's this! As the vicechairman of the subcommittee to represent the interests of miss Cardassian Union I feel contractually obliged not to cast a vote for our former oppressors (no matter how lovely miss cloned is.) We of the committee would also like to discuss with Miss Tified several recent and rather distressing tends in her behavour that we belive casts doubts on her entry in the 'miss deep space nine' contest...
Ahhh, Loki, you could always vote for Miss Denorios Belt--she has nothing to do with the Dominion oppressors... As for Miss Taken Loyalties--well, make no mistake...the successor of the Obsidian Order is watching very closely. VERY closely indeed. And may even have a plant or two in the pageant lineup.
Miss Victory gets my vote; very matronly, and unconventionally beautiful. That lipstick looks great. However, even though Miss Vctory wins my vote, Miss Denorios Belt is the best photoshop.
The competition is really heating up now, with Miss Denorios Belt and Miss Cloned #6 within a hair's breadth of one another. Will Miss Denorios Belt's amazing do overcome Miss Cloned #6's subtle feminine charms and modesty? Would winning drive Miss Cloned #6 over the edge of sanity? (And wouldn't we all secretly, or not so secretly, love to see that?) Hey now! Miss Tified hasn't shown up in the changing room today, and it's getting close to time for the talent competition. Has anyone seen her? And...was that Miss Cardassian Union I passed in the hallway a few minutes ago? What is she doing here? Hmmm...
But she was loyal, she believed in the Dominion... the wretched traitorous fool (after much consultation with the Committee we have agreed that as a proxy for said Committee (and in my duly appointed role as vicechairperson), that I shall cast my vote for Miss denorios belt for her efforts in maintaining law and order and her supreme courage in defying her people.)
I think I'll need to see the talent portion of the contest in order to make my final decision... What about the bikini competition?
Some of the contestants are complaining that the Founder representatives have an unfair edge in the talent portion of the competition, particularly with the ever-popular "Cardassian neck trick" and the performance art piece "Being Fog". In fact, though, some Klingons have expressed grave offense at "Being Fog". We're not sure why... The swimsuit competition has been canceled due to the belief that it is sexist. (And to spare the viewers from the threat of catastrophic apoplexy.)
Hm, I don't know, I think that such a competition might actually hurt Miss Denorios Belt's chances. Word in the street is that her talents in this particular field are bellow average, compared to most of her compatriots. This is why, after a long deliberation, I have decided to cast my vote for Miss Cloned, who is not just lovely, but should be rewarded for her syco.... I mean modesty, and her exceptional talent in her field of expertise. What she does best, she really is the best in. Many people can suck up to their bosses, but few can do it with such skill and devotion!
The poll is about to close. It looks as though we will have to have a run off competition between Miss Denorios Belt and Miss Cloned #6. We of the pageant committee will now retire into deliberations, explain to the frantic Miss Cloned #6 that no one is going to "off" her for this, and post the run-off poll later tonight. Excellent job, ladies! No other pageant thus far has been this close!
I have a message from the Cardassian Union. Watch Geck's vote very closely. He/she is strongly, STRONGLY encouraged to vote for Miss Denorios Belt. Or else.