Yes, this is somehow a revelation for me. I apologise for this speech, because it’s ridiculously simplistic at its core, but I finally understand where I didn’t previously, and I wanted to share it. A good friend of mine once told me that in order to forgive others you first have to forgive yourself. I acknowledged her wisdom, but as is typical with me I failed to accept emotionally what I accepted intellectually. So I’ve been focusing on others and neglecting the damage I’ve been inflicting on myself. For some time, I had a sense that I'd wasted my life; that I was worthless for not achieving or creating anything (I’m only 21, but that apparently wasn’t an excuse. And the potential I’d shown throughout my youth meant nothing either. I ignored potential for the future and focused only on impossible goals, which obviously I fell short of. I suppose I wanted to be worthless). I wasn’t just failing to take care of myself, I was actively attacking myself. For instance, I would get “flashes” of memory, or impressions of memory, of those times when I’d hurt people or assumed I’d done so, and these would cause me an almost physical pain (psychosomatic, I assume). I became afraid of my own memories, my own life. I refused to see my own capacity for humour, for insight or creativity, or that there could be value in my company, simply because they didn’t match my self-concept. And I dismissed the perspective of everyone else if and when they did see these things. Then, blindly, I wondered why, despite my respect for them and desire to be with them, I kept feeling like I was mistreating other people. Evidently I’d forgotten that “Wherever you go, there you are”. No wonder I felt like I was detrimental to others, because I was neglecting to respect or care for the common link that allowed me to interact with and understand these people; myself. The dark humour in all this is that I had great respect and understanding for the idea that to hurt others is to hurt yourself...but I wasn’t smart enough to see that it worked the other way as well. Truly respecting others depends upon respecting yourself. Intellectually I suppose I understood all this, but, again, emotionally I couldn’t. It’s very much the case that for much of my childhood and early adolescence I was treated poorly by the people around me, but for some reason I let them define how I saw myself, and not all the people I later met who I’ve gotten along so well with. Who is mistreating me today? Nobody, other than myself. The only person out to destroy me is me. And he’s wrong to do it. I’ve been preying on myself for years. For some time now, I believe I’ve been taking steps to emerge from this strange self-loathing. Some of the side-effects have been difficult for me, like learning how to be angry with other people (rather than internalizing it) and how to do so appropriately, rather than lashing out randomly. Or learning first to stop depending on praise from others, earned through my talents or aid, and then to keep pursuing those talents and helpful actions even though their original “use” was no longer in evidence. But since I was always striving to be polite and friendly (though naturally I don’t always succeed), and I’ve never had any desire to hurt others, all I needed to do was be myself and be sensitive to others’ needs, which I usually am. And I realized that I was inevitably going to hurt others if I defined myself as the sort of person who did that; because sooner or later I’d feel the need on some level to do something to justify the self-image. I feel like I finally understand something I’ve been failing to see – or avoiding – for years. I’m still a little unsteady, so I’m taking it slowly, but I’m conscious that I’m young and most likely have a long time in which to pursue whatever I want to do. And I acknowledge that I’ve managed to achieve some reasonably admirable things already (a degree from a top university, for instance). I’ll try and take things a step at a time, rather than berating myself for not being somehow further along than I am. It doesn’t change how I was treated as a boy, but I feel less and less like it defines me. I can be what I want. And what I want first of all is to live, and to be myself. And embrace the people around me. I’m sure all of this has seemed strangely childish; after all, I’m explaining things that most people understand as self-evident. But as my signature says: “I was blind, and I cannot say that I had eyes to see the truth. I was a fool, and I cannot say that I had sense to know the truth. I was lost, and I cannot say that I could have found the truth. In the darkness, truth found me”. And that’s not me attacking myself again, that’s a simple acknowledgment of my error. Yes, I’ve been very foolish.
Not childish at all. You're recognizing profound things that took many of us long past twenty-one to figure out. Give yourself a pat on the back -- or a toast -- for that.
I actually felt the same way you did. I was severely emotionally abuse by my mother and molested by some guy, and I'm biopolar. When you were mistreated as a child, I think you don't really see the good side of you...the good in you. Everybody wants to be heard and matter, but it's hard when you feel iike you're garbage. There's no such thing as a bad person and you just have to wake up and see the miracle in the common everyday little thing because it is a miracle that we are here! Every thing in this universe has a purpose and reasons for being here. Without water there would no life and life couldn't exist without the sun. Without electorns, protons and nutrons there would be no atoms and no us. Sometimes I like to deal with my unhappiness with humor. I Try not take what others say to me way too seriously and always face the truth. Sometimes the truth is kindda funny and weird, but that's the way it is, so it can't be that bad, and no matter where I am there I am. There's nothing wrong with me or how I feel. A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval and the truth is nothing to be afraid of... And With a little ignorance, I can deal with anything if i use humor. Try not to let so many worthless informations get to you. Act like kid and just laugh it off and not take it way too seriously.
Well, this is an anomalously positive topic for Misc. Congrats, DN. I'm glad you're finding yourself in a better place. You deserve it-- you're a smart, funny and compassionate guy.
Be good to yourself, DN That's a good step to become happy. Being comfortable with and good to oneself can bring peace nothing else can offer. I know it made me calmer and happier.
You're welcome! And you're a great person! You never harm anyone or do drugs, or anything like that. You're strong that way!
Nasat, I'm glad you're happy. I have decided that my life is also worth living. Indeed, ALL life is. There is terrible pain in the world, I'm not denying that. Some people very close to me are in pain. I have no easy answers to help them. But there is no shame in not having the answers. All I can do - all any one of us can do - is let them know they are loved and they are not alone. It may not seem this way, but no one is ever truly alone. There is always someone willing to help. Reminds me of an old Peanuts cartoon where Charlie Brown says that we are all put on this world to make others happy. I agree with that very much.
Actually, many people do not understand what you have discovered as self-evident at all. Being honest with oneself and assessing how one can improve one's life is a difficult thing to do, and it's awesome that you've managed to do this. Keep on being awesome!
I've recently come to a similar realization . . . I have finally gotten over the bullying and teasing I endured in middleschool, and I finally feel comfortable talking to people I don't know, and I don't worry about what others think of me as much as I used to . . . it was so bad at one point in highschool that I couldn't get up the courage to go into a store to apply for a job. Now I enjoy talking to people of all sorts.
This is sooo not childish. I took until my forties to realize that ... maybe, just maybe ... I wasn't worthless after all. I so hated myself, it's amazing I'm still alive. I am so happy for you that you didn't take those extra decades. You've accomplished something that not everyone does. I truly admire you for your being able to do this so young.
The greatest challenge to living is being able to break through social conditioning and misconceptions picked up from others. The very few are lucky to be raised by parents who coach well, emboldening a sense of confidence and assurance that cannot be torn down by others. The rest of us must deal with the unpleasant aspects of humanity, and find our own way to rise above it. We live in an illusion of social prosperity. It is not a modern one, but a technologically advanced and highly comfortable one, compared to previous generations. Society still has a very long way to go. We haven't come all that far yet. Just consider... less than 70 years ago, there was World War II. About 100 years ago in the industrial countries, it was uncommon to have electricity in the average home (forget about 2nd and 3rd world). Parental deficiencies and educational inefficiencies have always been present but amazingly they still proliferate society. This is why we have the uncanny manifestation of highly educated prosperous people driven by greed to the point of taking great financial risks that can negatively affect millions of people. They should care, but they don't, instead being selfish, short sighted, and completely self-serving to themselves and their cohorts. How many people do we have in prisons? It's still so damned fucking primitive on Earth, even in the most prosperous nations. In kind, there is a large percentage of the population that is screwed up, having no restraint on being cruel to others. We shouldn't be allowing young people to be faced with "social survival of the fittest" any longer. But... like I said... we still have a long way to go. I took a long route to get to my point, but it's just to help support was DN has realized. The younger you are to make the realization, the sooner you can disarm anyone from having social power over you. Don't give a damned fucking shit what other people think about you, because it's NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. You do what you wish to please yourself and help the ones you care about. Don't show disrespect of others, even if they don't respect you. Always look at them as simply unenlightened and needing help. Congratulations on your early victory, DN. I wish I could have made these realizations 25 years ago. But... time is relative. I'm just thankful I'm not totally gray yet.
I turned 50 last month. I almost daily turn to this post, by a very young member, to draw strength from it.
Well, I'm very glad to hear that, jayrath. It makes me very glad that other people find their own strength and meaning from my posts regarding my personal struggles. As more recent threads show, this revelation was by no means the end of my problems, but this was where I started turning things around.
I second that! Quite a few people still not realize it after a whole lifetime. Also, this whole "you are nothing if you haven't achieved anything" is no universal rule. In my experience it's something typical American. Over here, we are less interested in people's financial or career advancements and more in their personal development. A good character is held in higher esteem than a large bank account.
Achievement can be so many different things! I consider some of my biggest achievements to be having made possible Hubby's becoming a pharmacist and taking care of people, and helping classmates succeed in school. Sometimes success is by being a catalyst for others to reach further, where you yourself could never reach, and which they could not have reached but for your help.